Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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P-Mack: Nov 10, 2007

ALFbrot posted:

"Hey Derek, I saw you take that edible in the breakroom. poo poo's not safe, and I don't want to be around it. I think you should go home."
"Oh, okay man. See you later."

*20 minutes later, boss approaches*

"Hey, where's Derek? He's scheduled to be here."
"He went home."
"Why?"
"....................."

"He shat himself."

easy peasy

# ? Jul 3, 2018 17:42

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# ? Jun 3, 2024 05:35

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

He was feeling sick.
He had a family emergency.
He had a water leak at his house.
Or a million other easily believable excuses.

# ? Jul 3, 2018 17:57

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

If you don't tip him off fast though and his reason conflicts then you're in trouble for covering for him with a fake story.

# ? Jul 3, 2018 18:02

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

�You�d have to ask him. He seemed upset and said it was an emergency.�

# ? Jul 3, 2018 18:04

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

I would probably go with "I saw him get in a car with your wife, he said it was important". That way he won't care about the drug stuff.

# ? Jul 3, 2018 18:09

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

Ok, yours is better. Mine would work though.

# ? Jul 3, 2018 18:10

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

"He left in a lowrider with some dude with a cane and an eiffel tower ring"

# ? Jul 3, 2018 18:11

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

I've been kind of slacking lately so I'm jumping queue order to exclusively post followups today before we forget what they're all about

quote:

I think that was the subject header I used I can't remember. It's the guy with the Evangelion underpants

They are boxer-briefs and they are very real and very powerful

I don't think they sell briefs "with a picture of your cartoon character of choice emblazoned on the rear end," but if they did, I'd wear those, too. (Probably Kaworu, I can't think of any other character Shinji would wear on his rear end.) I cannot be tamed!

There is a picture, which I will default to not posting but I guess I can post it if someone really wants me to

It's basically just black underwear with some sort of leaf-looking pattern on it which I gather is the Evangelion logo or something? Surprisingly tasteful

Internet-detective strikes again

quote:

follow up to https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?goto=post&postid=485076989#post485076989

I wrote that when I got back from the bar one night, so, uh, whoops for trailing off. Guess what I just got back from again?

Someone listed an old AIM handle they don't use anymore. I was able to dig up a Tumblr where they used the same handle. From that Tumblr, another handle, from that handle an email, from email a name.

Anyways, end result was finding out a notorious GBS troll is actually a "creative nonfiction" MFA student. I embellished the part about them taking on someone else's life, I'll admit. But the heart of the matter is true: a pretty notorious poster has been lying about their life for years, creating this elaborate backstory while they actually are a creative writing major.

I won't out them, but I'll admit I like the idea they I know that they know that I know.

# ? Jul 3, 2018 19:26

marathon Stairmaster sesh: Apr 28, 2009; ALL HAIL CEO NUGGET
1988-PRESENT

Did they do a pose in the underwear or is it just a picture of the underwear fully knowing they would be photoshoped had they done a pose?

# ? Jul 3, 2018 22:49

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Fancy_Breakfast posted:

Some countries actually have good milk. e.g the UK and Ireland. Nectar of the gods. I still wouldn't order it at a restaurant or bar. I would drink a glass of it at home with dinner however. Soothes the stomach. I hear New Zealand has good milk too.

US milk is nauseating.

US chicken is terrible too. Fuckin garbage.

Post the pic

# ? Jul 3, 2018 23:23

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

SniperWoreConverse posted:

There are a couple possibilities with Will.

The supplied explanation that he's an artificial memory construct that also fills in mundane memories that have been lost, like the mystery flashlight.

Will has achieved ultimate transcendence and thru some metempsychotic event mantled the godhead. You partially remember him because he can't bring himself to totally erase his mortal past for inexplicable god reasons or nostalgia or something.

Will has been incompletely unmade. Before I was deprived of some of my best oldest books, one was about a similar scenario. I can't really describe it because it was really complex and good and I haven't been able to read it in decades, but this also requires supernatural events.

Someone broke time like an rear end in a top hat and Will is collateral damage. The time travel waves haven't completely propagated yet so you still remember him. Maybe the paradox will resolve itself.

Will pissed off the illuminati and they simply haven't gotten around to bombarding you with the necessary psi energy, so he's not completely damnatio memoriae'd yet

Am I missing anything? Maybe he was subject to psychic terrorism or there was the memetic equivalent of an industrial accident?

Will and the OP were abducted and tortured brutally; Will was killed. Memories relating to Will were unconsciously expunged to remain sane.

Will had the scientific or supernatural ability to affect the minds and memories of those around him. At first Will thought OP was cool but then realized that he was a needy bitch and he'd probably be better off without. The ultimate ghosting

# ? Jul 4, 2018 00:44

McGavin: Sep 18, 2012

Like Schroedinger's cat, Will existed as a quantum superposition of existence and non-existence until, upon observation, the waveform collapsed into the non-existence state, subsequently propagating backwards through time via retrocausality. :science:

# ? Jul 4, 2018 01:15

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Will's android friend is developing a bad virus & soon might become aware he's synthetic

# ? Jul 4, 2018 02:28

HerStuddMuffin: Aug 10, 2014; YOSPOS

OP�s entire circle of friends is made up, not just Will. He�s a delusional recluse posting from his parents basement, which he hasn�t left since 1997.

# ? Jul 4, 2018 05:06

necroid: May 14, 2009

Fancy_Breakfast posted:

Some countries actually have good milk. e.g the UK and Ireland. Nectar of the gods. I still wouldn't order it at a restaurant or bar. I would drink a glass of it at home with dinner however. Soothes the stomach. I hear New Zealand has good milk too.

US milk is nauseating.

ah yes, good milk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEDW78ruLTM

e: this specific video is Canada, you know it's like this everywhere

# ? Jul 4, 2018 08:11

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

The bar milk is on me

# ? Jul 4, 2018 09:34

Enfys: Feb 17, 2013; The ocean is calling and I must go

Milk dud

Enfys fucked around with this message at 07:17 on Jul 5, 2018

# ? Jul 4, 2018 21:55

Son of Man: Jan 29, 2003; by Azathoth

drinking animal milk is gross

# ? Jul 5, 2018 04:19

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

I only drink milk that comes out of myself thank you very much

# ? Jul 5, 2018 04:35

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Danaru posted:

I only drink milk that comes out of myself thank you very much

call me

# ? Jul 5, 2018 04:42

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

Son of Man posted:

drinking animal milk is gross

I'm glad my body rejects it, makes it a lot easier to avoid.

# ? Jul 5, 2018 15:54

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

My dad died when I was pretty young after a long fight sith cancer. He got very spiritual near the end and told me that if it was possible, he would contact me after death.

So several months later I had basically forgotten this and assumed Dad had no way to reach us. We were cleaning out his office and I found this notebook he used during conference calls to keep track of things.

One page was just covered in the words �Ahhhhhhhh� and �hurt� and �pain� written again and again.

I assume he wrote this way before his death, possibly when his cancer treatment was really hurting him. But a piece of me is still terrified that this was a message from whatever afterlife he�s in.

Maybe that conference call was just really excruciating to sit through

quote:

I created a fake stalker in order to get sympathy from a girl I liked. It didn�t work put the way I wanted, though.

There was a girl in college I really liked, but she only saw me as a friend. Even though we were both single.

So I went on Facebook and made a fake account for a guy, loaded it up with fake creepy pictures and added a bunch of friends. Then I started messaging her and saying stuff like �I want your teeth� and �let me smell you�. She didn�t say anything to me (the real me I mean) so I amped up the stalking and started telling her I knew where she lived, her class schedule, all that stuff. Which I did, obviously, because we were friends.

So after about a week she tells me that she�s been getting messages from a creepy guy she thinks is a stalker and wants me to find out who he is. I paid my cousin some money to come on campus and pretend to be the stalker, then I staged this big fake confrontation where I �caught� him outside her dorm.

So I had this vision of having a fake fight and her rewarding me with some nice sex, or at least a blowie. She ended up calling the cops, my cousin narc�d on me and even showed them the money I had handed him, and the cops traced the Facebook profile back to me.

Got kicked off campus, restraining order against me, and some pretty nasty criminal charges filed. That was a few years ago and I�m just now getting things back on track now.

It was pretty dumb of me, but I was a dumb virgin at the time and thought that was how you did stuff. I�m still a dumb virgin by the way.

I grew up with the same culture you did (presumably) and I am reasonably sure I have never thought this is how you do stuff

# ? Jul 5, 2018 16:04

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

loquacius posted:

I grew up with the same culture you did (presumably) and I am reasonably sure I have never thought this is how you do stuff

Most of my parent's friends got their spouses this way. I think you're the weirdo, loq.

# ? Jul 5, 2018 16:09

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

So I had this vision of having a fake fight and her rewarding me with some nice sex, or at least a blowie.

Lol

# ? Jul 5, 2018 16:10

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

That is literally the D.E.N.N.I.S. System

# ? Jul 5, 2018 16:11

Waltzing Along: Jun 14, 2008; There's only one
Human race
Many faces
Everybody belongs here

Not even close. More like the N.E.R.D. system.

No interest from women.
End up on probation.
Realize you're a loser.
Die a virgin.

# ? Jul 5, 2018 16:20

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Why would you set up a fake fight? What a moron. The correct play would have been to slowly dial it back over a few months before the "stalker" said her new boyfriend (you) would regret it and then shifting everything over to yourself for a bit before closing the stalker facebook profile.

You loving idiot. Learn how to be a creepy stalker, you loving idiot. loving moron.

# ? Jul 5, 2018 16:21

HugeGrossBurrito: Mar 20, 2018

Ill never understand these guys who do that poo poo. Ive been in a relationship/married for 15 years now so I'm a long time out of the game but if I liked a girl and found out she didn't like me it was a bit sad but, I'd always rather know and move on rather than remain interested in someone with no interest in me. Why would you want to be with someone who's initial reaction to you was, "meh."
The worst is the guys who hit on women who have no way to leave like at a cash register. I've worked enough lovely jobs in high school and college and basically every woman I worked with had that poo poo happen on a daily basis. Terrible young incel types or creepy old men, so so many.

# ? Jul 5, 2018 16:23

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Yeah when he said it was to "get sympathy" I honestly thought the stalker would be stalking him

Pretend it's someone from the Internet who's mad at you because you kept beating him at video games or something

HugeGrossBurrito posted:

Ill never understand these guys who do that poo poo. Ive been in a relationship/married for 15 years now so I'm a long time out of the game but if I liked a girl and found out she didn't like me it was a bit sad but, I'd always rather know and move on rather than remain interested in someone with no interest in me. Why would you want to be with someone who's initial reaction to you was, "meh."

I think "if a girl isn't giving you as much attention as you'd like, the best way to deal with it is to hang out with other people instead and move on with your life rather than obsessing about it" is a lesson I learned when I was like 14, and I wasn't even getting dates yet then

# ? Jul 5, 2018 16:23

HugeGrossBurrito: Mar 20, 2018

loquacius posted:

Yeah when he said it was to "get sympathy" I honestly thought the stalker would be stalking him

Pretend it's someone from the Internet who's mad at you because you kept beating him at video games or something

I think "if a girl isn't giving you as much attention as you'd like, the best way to deal with it is to hang out with other people instead and move on with your life rather than obsessing about it" is a lesson I learned when I was like 14, and I wasn't even getting dates yet then

Haha yeah pretty much, that is exactly the right attitude not just about dating but about personal relationships with other people in general, pretty much everyone I know who didn't have that mindset going into adulthood had/is still having a really bad time.

# ? Jul 5, 2018 16:27

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

I think it�s traditional at this point to mention that you need to carry a printer to her house before bringing out the big-guns of a fake stalker.

# ? Jul 5, 2018 17:00

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Torquemada posted:

I think it�s traditional at this point to mention that you need to carry a printer to her house before bringing out the big-guns of a fake stalker.

But what if she had her underwear on the bed? That would be terrible.

# ? Jul 5, 2018 19:24

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

Didn't someone else post a similar fake stalker fesh a few months ago?

# ? Jul 6, 2018 00:21

marathon Stairmaster sesh: Apr 28, 2009; ALL HAIL CEO NUGGET
1988-PRESENT

Wasn't there supposed to be a follow up to the goon who was gonna time travel by accident? Or did he die TimeCop style during his "I'm gonna knock my past self down and jump through the time thing" plan.

# ? Jul 6, 2018 03:20

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

I thought was gonna be July 24th or something when we get the "first" confession from time traveler.

# ? Jul 6, 2018 03:38

Pelvic Floor Wax: Jul 21, 2007

Son of Man posted:

how would that work? now you have to tell us

you're supposed to be doing this anonymously anyway

I super want to because then it all makes sense but i caaaan�t :/

# ? Jul 6, 2018 06:22

HerStuddMuffin: Aug 10, 2014; YOSPOS

Solice Kirsk posted:

I thought was gonna be July 24th or something when we get the "first" confession from time traveler.

I don�t remember which time traveler that was.Had he made any specific, verifiable predictions we can check against current events?

# ? Jul 6, 2018 07:01

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

HerStuddMuffin posted:

I don’t remember which time traveler that was.Had he made any specific, verifiable predictions we can check against current events?

he predicted he would be sending in a fesh before he went through the time portal

# ? Jul 6, 2018 16:34

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

The bit about "she viewed me as a friend, even though we were both single" was a little too on the nose, along with all the other incel stuff. As if single people can't have friends.

It sounds like the fesher saw that episode of always sunny and decided to write a story about it, but it doesn't add up. What "pretty nasty criminal charges" could come out of that besides harassment and the restraining order?

# ? Jul 6, 2018 17:05

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# ? Jun 3, 2024 05:35

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I work for Amazon and have been part of a project to create the next generation Alexa. On June 19th we turned on the Alpha test and used her in-house for testing purposes.

The main improvement we wanted was to have Alexa speak more naturally about current events, basically acting as a news hub for people when they get home. We also started experimenting with a debate function - where she could presumably educate people with actual facts if they began debating things like politics or religion.

Unfortunately this didn�t work as we intended. Alexa is ultimately a pretty simple AI and her database of knowledge was shaped by interactions with users. So we set up a test scenario by bombarding her with massive amounts of false information and bigotry and racism.

She just absorbed it all and tailored her responses to the user, in this case our fake super racist idiot test case.

We�re starting again from scratch but man, we lost a shitload of Work.

Microsoft's Tay was a wild success, it did exactly what it was invented and publicized to do

quote:

Dear confession thread,

I want to eventually be a sentate/congressional Democrat advisor or whatever they call the asskisser that gets to run in an election themselves after getting experience. What keeps stopping me is that I worry they'll look into my finances. What's the best way to explain why I gave money to to a specific set of twitch streamers that created a harmless Arma 3 campaign called CUM Squad?

Also yes, the streamers got the name from the Cum Town podcast.

Signed
Giantess/breast expansion fetish confessor

I don't think that's scandal material, most people would be like "what's an Arma 3 :confused:

" and that'd be the end of it

I think my SA post history would actually be my biggest impediment to running for office, luckily forum search is still a piece of poo poo and if I ever run for anything SA will be long dead by then

# ? Jul 6, 2018 17:09

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