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DUKE CANNON KNOWS THAT WEALTH TRICKLES DOWN, UNIONS AND ABORTION ARE SINS AGAINST GOD, AND THAT RICH PEOPLE PAY TOO MUCH TAX
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Feb 17, 2019 05:21
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DUKE CANNON ONLY HAD A COUPLE OF BEERS. HE WENT TO THE BAR TO WATCH THE GAME BECAUSE OBUMMER BROKE HIS TV.
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Feb 17, 2019 05:22
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DUKE CANNON KNOWS THAT WOMEN GET THEIR HAIR DONE, MEN GET THEIR HAIR CUT. DUKE CANNON IS SAD ABOUT THIS DUKE CANNON WOULD LIKE TO FEEL PRETTY
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Feb 17, 2019 05:26
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DUKE CANNON HEARD ABOUT PHONE SEX APPS. HE'S EXCITED ABOUT THE RETURN OF PHONE SEX.
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Feb 17, 2019 05:34
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DUKE CANNON HAD TO DO HIS BREATHING EXCERCISES YESTERDAY AFTER A TACO BELL REMINDED HIM OF MEXICO
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Feb 17, 2019 05:35
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DUKE CANNON ORDERS MILK AT RESTAURANTS AND DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT. HE'S NOT SO EASILY OFFENDED.
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Feb 17, 2019 05:54
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DUKE CANNON THINKS IF HE SHOUTS ENOUGH AND DRINKS ENOUGH BEER HE CAN QUIET THE VOICE IN THE BACK OF HIS HEAD THAT KEEPS TELLING HIM TO GO DOWN THE DOCKS DRESSED AS A WOMAN. DUKE CANNON IS WRONG ABOUT THIS.
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Feb 17, 2019 06:00
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DUKE CANNON THINKS THAT IF HE DRINKS ENOUGH BEER AND SHOUTS ENOUGH HE CAN STOP HEARING THE SCREAMS OF THOSE KIDS AT DA NANG. DUKE CANNON IS RIGHT ABOUT THIS, BUT ONLY BECAUSE OF THE FIST-SIZED TUMOUR HE HAS ON HIS LIVER THAT'S ABOUT TO MAKE LIFE REALLY SUCK FOR DUKE CANNON.
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Feb 17, 2019 06:32
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DUKE CANNON IS GOING TO CALL HIM CASSIUS CLAY BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HIS MAMA NAMED HIM, AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR DUKE CANNON. DUKE CANNON DOESN'T NEED ANY OF THAT HI-VIZ FAIRY YELLOW CRAP. DUKE CANNON HAS 20/20 VISION AND THE REFLEXES OF A JUNGLE CAT. DUKE CANNON ISN'T GOING TO LET SOME SNOB IN A WHITE SMOCK TELL HIM WHAT TO EAT. DUKE CANNON KNOWS THAT CRIPPLING BOWEL OBSTRUCTIONS ARE SOMETHING A REAL MAN HAS TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH. EVERY MORNING DUKE CANNON WAKES UP AND OPEN-PALM SLAMS A DVD DOWN INTO THE TRAY. IT'S CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK, AND DUKE DOES THE MOVES ALONGSIDE THE MAIN CHARACTER. SOMETIMES THE MOVIE IS SCARFACE OR PAYBACK STARRING MEL GIBSON. MOVIES LIKE THOSE ARE HOW DUKE LEARNED TO BE A MAN. SOMETIMES IF NO ONE ELSE IS IN THE HOUSE, THE MOVIE IS TERMS OF ENDEARMENT.
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Feb 17, 2019 06:42
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BIG FLUFFY DOG posted:DUKE CANNON HAD TO DO HIS BREATHING EXCERCISES YESTERDAY AFTER A TACO BELL REMINDED HIM OF MEXICO This one is really doing it for me 
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Feb 17, 2019 06:49
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I'm not funny enough to partake, but I'm glad to have posted the catalyst for the amazing last couple of pages. And for those wondering, while it's gone now that text was just copied straight from the website. Capslock and all
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Feb 17, 2019 07:00
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Platystemon posted:Wait, that’s not satire? Not really. It's from the Legend of the Mall Ninja. http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/ Basically the insane fantasy of a security guard with dreams of being a high speed tactical operator. Honestly it gets even more insane. DUKE CANNON DOESN'T APPROVE OF WOMEN IN CONGRESS HUMILIATING THE PRESIDENT BUT IT DOES GIVE HIM A LITTLE CHUBBY WHEN HE IMAGINES IT HAPPENING TO HIM.
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Feb 17, 2019 07:00
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DUKE CANNON IS NOT ACTUALLY A DUKE BUT HE IS A CANNON HE IS SO MANLY HE BECAME AN ACTUAL WEAPON
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Feb 17, 2019 07:04
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BIG FLUFFY DOG posted:DUKE CANNON SUPPORTS LOW TAXES FOR THE RICH More like Duke Keeshond
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Feb 17, 2019 07:31
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DUKE CANNON USED TO READ PLAYBOY FOR THE ARTICLES, BUT THEIR WRITING REALLY TOOK A NOSEDIVE AROUND THE SAME TIME THEY STOPPED PRINTING NUDE PHOTOS.
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Feb 17, 2019 07:48
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Didn't Playboy go back to nudes because nobody wanted it without them?
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Feb 17, 2019 08:02
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Ghost Leviathan posted:Didn't Playboy go back to nudes because nobody wanted it without them? Disappointing if true, but not entirely unexpected 😞
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Feb 17, 2019 08:08
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If you think the internet is stiff competition for porn, just wait til your product is hot take culture articles by upper-class twits.
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Feb 17, 2019 08:12
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Duke Cannon is Duke Nukem's late medieval era ancestor, descendant of Duke Trebuchet and Duke Ballista. Duke Mustard was a controversial figure and never really talked with Duke Armored Infantry.
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Feb 17, 2019 08:51
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DUKE CANNON MAKES IMPULSE PURCHASES WHEN THE CASHIER ANNOUNCES A $6.66 TOTAL.
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Feb 17, 2019 09:04
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DUKE CANNON NEVER HESITATES TO MAKE A SCENE IN STARBUCKS WHEN HE IS TOLD HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
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Feb 17, 2019 09:35
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Panfilo posted:DUKE CANNON NEVER HESITATES TO MAKE A SCENE IN STARBUCKS WHEN HE IS TOLD HAPPY HOLIDAYS. DUKE CANNON WANTS COFFEE FLAVORED COFFEE GOD DAMNIT
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Feb 17, 2019 10:07
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DUKE CANNON IS REALLY CONFUSED ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS, BUT HIS PHONE SUGGESTS AN ENDLESS STREAM OF VIDEOS. THEY ARE ALWAYS RIGHT; THEY ALWAYS TELL IT LIKE IT IS. IT'S JUST ONE MORE PIECE OF PROOF FOR DUKE CANNON. ONE DAY DUKE CANNON WILL SLIP THE SURLY BONDS OF SOCIETY AND ROAM FREE. AS GOD INTENDED. GOD SHALL WEEP. IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS,
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Feb 17, 2019 10:11
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DUKE CANNON DOESN’T BELIEVE IN SEAT BELTS. DUKE CANNON READ ONCE THAT SEATBELTS COST MORE LIVES THAN THEY SAVE, AND DUKE CANNON BELIEVES IT. DUKE HAS TO WEAR A SEATBELT OR THE NANNY STATE WILL WRITE HIM A TICKET, BUT DUKE GETS HIS PAYBACK BY MAKING SURE TO NEVER PROPERLY SECURE HIS INFANT’S CAR SEAT. EVERY TIME DUKE CANNON PASSES A COP ON THE HIGHWAY, HE SMIRKS TO HIMSELF, KNOWING THAT HE’S STICKING IT TO THE MAN. DUKE CANNON IS DROWNING IN EXISTENTIAL DREAD, BUT DUKE CANNON KNOWS HOW TO DEAL. HIS AGGRESSIVE AND ANTAGONISTIC EXTERIOR KEEPS DUKE SAFE INSIDE. EVERY TIME DUKE GIVES SOMEONE THE FINGER IN TRAFFIC, OR SCOLDS A WAITER FOR TAKING TOO LONG TO BRING HIS FIFTH DIET COKE, DUKE FEELS A TINY LESSENING OF THE DREAD, BECAUSE DUKE. IS IN. CONTROL.
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Feb 17, 2019 10:39
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DUKE CANNON DRIVES BETTER WHEN A LITTLE TIPSY. DUKE CANNON, FOR THOSE TIMES WHEN YOU JUST NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THE "OL' BALL 'N CHAIN," AMIRITE? DUKE CANNON ASKS THE ARBITER TO "STEP OUTSIDE AND DEAL WITH THIS LIKE MEN" WHEN HE DISAGREES WITH THE TERMS OF THE DIVORCE
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Feb 17, 2019 10:53
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DUKE CANNON KNOWS THAT HIS WORLD VIEW IS THE CORRECT ONE AND PEOPLE WILL STOP THIS NONSENSE EVENTUALLY.
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Feb 17, 2019 10:55
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Segmentation Fox posted:DUKE CANNON WANTS COFFEE FLAVORED COFFEE GOD DAMNIT DUKE CANNON ASKS, "WHERE ARE THE CHRISTMAS CUPS, GODDAMMIT!
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Feb 17, 2019 11:01
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DUKE CANNON WANTS TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER. DUKE CANNON TELLS THE BARISTA DUKE’S NAME IS JESUS CHRIST. DUKE SMIRKS WHEN HIS NAME IS CALLED. HE KNOWS THE OTHER CUSTOMERS ARE CLAPPING IN THEIR HEADS. DUKE CANNON PEES WITH HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS. DUKE CANNON BOUNCES ON THE BALLS OF HIS FEET WHEN HE’S DONE. DUKE CANNON HAS SMEGMA. DUKE CANNON HAS SOME OLD-FASHIONED IDEAS ABOUT TOUCHING HIS PENIS. DUKE CANNON HAS NOTHING AGAINST BLACK PEOPLE. DUKE CANNON IS JUST TRYING TO PROTECT HIS PROPERTY VALUE. DUKE CANNON KNOWS YOU UNDERSTAND.
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Feb 17, 2019 11:12
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I interrupt this Duke Cannon for an important message: THIS IS A REAL VIDEO MADE BY A PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY encouraging their marketers and sales people to do illegal poo poo. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dJHp4qmM4Q Edit: A sex toy shop makes an anti-violence Valentine's Day ad using a most unfortunate spokesperson. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTSiRIpx3bU The MSJ has a new favorite as of 13:12 on Feb 17, 2019 |
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Feb 17, 2019 11:45
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The MSJ posted:I interrupt this Duke Cannon for an important message: DUKE CANNON CANNOT BELIEVE THE poo poo HE IS SEEING. AS A WHITE MAN WITH MONEY, DUKE CANNON GETS HIS DRUGS THE RESPECTABLE WAY: BY DOCTOR-SHOPPING.
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Feb 17, 2019 12:03
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Duke Cannon has had an injury AND CAN NOT CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HIS VOICE, THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING.
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Feb 17, 2019 14:08
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DUKE CANNON ONCE TOOK A GIRLFRIEND TO GET AN ABORTION BUT THAT WAS DIFFERENT BECAUSE WE WERE YOUNG AND MADE A MISTAKE AND NOT BABY MURDERERS LIKE THOSE OTHER PEOPLE.
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Feb 17, 2019 15:16
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DUKE CANNON KEEPS GETTING OLDER, BUT THE GIRLS STAY THE SAME AGE.
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Feb 17, 2019 15:19
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DUKE CANNON IS DUKE CANNON AND SERIOUSLY THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH OK?
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Feb 17, 2019 16:21
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DUKE CANNON HAS OPINIONS ABOUT CHILDREN'S CARTOONS.
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Feb 17, 2019 17:50
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Ghost Leviathan posted:Didn't Playboy go back to nudes because nobody wanted it without them? I mean, when you get rid of the only thing people gave a poo poo about in your product, it can’t be a surprise when they don’t buy it
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Feb 18, 2019 03:50
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNOyI9V2RfE
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Feb 18, 2019 03:55
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This is probably one of our better derails.
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Feb 18, 2019 05:18
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DUKE CANNON NEVER WANTS MORE THAN 20 PAGES PER BOOK, BOTH COLLECTIBLE AND HARDCOVER.
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Feb 18, 2019 05:27
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Hey, the DUKE CANNON thing has its own thread in GBS now.The MSJ posted:I interrupt this Duke Cannon for an important message: God drat. On the plus side, I know the first song in every playlist on Patton Oswalt's Spotify account.
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Feb 18, 2019 05:37
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