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Engineer Lenk posted:We're about a week into December - how come you're already halfway through your discretionary (or 2/3 through if you set it to $150 apiece)? 1) Went out to dinner once 2) Donated some money to some poor Goon for charity for Christmas 3) Couple fast food runs when we were still getting everything back to normal after the run 4) $30 on a hobby
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Dec 9, 2014 00:27
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Knyteguy posted:
I give up.
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Dec 9, 2014 00:28
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April posted:I give up. You seem to really stress this baby stuff here. I feel like sometimes you give useful advice, but like Rhythmic said a lot of it is just you getting mad. Can you tell me what you see about my particular statement that bothers you instead of this? I don't understand how no way to enter expenses = same situation as the baby. I'm not trying to be "smug" I really want to know.
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Dec 9, 2014 00:31
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Knyteguy posted:Plus I think it sucks you don't think I've been making progress ala the Slo Mo thread. I absolutely do think you're making progress. You remind me of myself, but replace finances with weight control. I do pretty well for a few months, get cocky, busy, stressful, and fall off the wagon. Then I try and ignore a month (stop counting calories or pretend that month didn't exist) get back on track (rinse repeat). At the end of the day everyone has problems and vices. My effort post saved itself in a closed tab so see below: I think the hostility boils down the fact (and this has been reiterated countless times) that you haven't gone a full fiscal quarter (aka 3 months) without some sort of flair up. And you always have an excuses. And you're always certain it's not going to happen again. It's one of the reasons I recommended you do a "year to date" analysis on yourself. What goals did you set at the beginning of this thread? How close are you to achieving those goals? Are you on track? What goals did you set for yourself in May (your go to date for when things started going right)? How close are you to achieve those goals? Are you on track? How close are you to saving up the $20,000 you need for your matching house down payment? At one point you were certain you could do this in a year. (I think? Maybe it was 2 years) How close are you to paying off your car? At one point you were going to have this paid off in 1-2 years. How close are you to having 6 months emergency fund established? Where did you think you would be on all of those goals at the beginning of the year? In May? Are you much better off than when you started this thread? Absolutely. You walked into this thread saying you hardly spend money on video games and then talked about how you bought a PS4 and wanted a 3DS because some games were coming out. However don't use your past self to justify falling short of your current goals.
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Dec 9, 2014 00:33
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Why not set a budget for dining out rather than having a large discretionary budget that you draw from? I realize there's a limit to how many categories you want to manage but if you have one for bicycle costs it seems like you'd have one for dining out. Also, what's with a +$50 number in the outflows of your emergency fund? I'm not familiar enough with YNAB to know if that's a bad thing, I just don't understand how it happens.
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Dec 9, 2014 00:37
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Knyteguy posted:And yes all of my old clothes that got replaced were Kirkland brand and they were the ones that I had to replace after like 3 months of use. Easychair Bootson posted:Why not set a budget for dining out rather than having a large discretionary budget that you draw from? I realize there's a limit to how many categories you want to manage but if you have one for bicycle costs it seems like you'd have one for dining out. The +$50 for the emergency fund means they transferred money to the efund, because its an off budget account. (Correct me if I'm wrong, anyone, I think I'm right.) Also, it does appear that we haven't seen a reconciliation for October, either. September was the last full month recon'd. Knyteguy posted:10/5/2014 Knyteguy posted:10/24/14 SiGmA_X fucked around with this message at 01:04 on Dec 9, 2014 |
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Dec 9, 2014 00:57
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Knyteguy posted:You seem to really stress this baby stuff here. I feel like sometimes you give useful advice, but like Rhythmic said a lot of it is just you getting mad. Can you tell me what you see about my particular statement that bothers you instead of this? I don't understand how no way to enter expenses = same situation as the baby. I'm not trying to be "smug" I really want to know. Because every time it's pointed out to you that you generally handle stress in financially irresponsible ways, you act like we have no idea what we are talking about. Your attitude is "well, yeah, I didn't handle THIS thing well, but now I know what I'm doing for THIS thing, so no need to worry." We've all pointed out that you let things fall apart after the stress of a move, and your response was: quote:A baby coming should have none of those problems, so it's not a very accurate practice run. Babies are thousands of other problems, and I can guarantee that if every parent here made a list of 20 things they had to deal with unexpectedly the first year, they still wouldn't cover 50% of the things you'll deal with. We all keep saying "you don't handle stress like a responsible adult, and you frequently plan to meet certain goals and don't follow through" and your response is "a baby is nothing like moving!" We're pointing out a destructive pattern of behavior, you are choosing to take the most basic, literal comparisons and using the obvious differences to justify ignoring what everyone is saying. But as long as you have lots and lots of baby stuff, it's all good I guess.
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Dec 9, 2014 01:14
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April posted:Because every time it's pointed out to you that you generally handle stress in financially irresponsible ways, you act like we have no idea what we are talking about. Your attitude is "well, yeah, I didn't handle THIS thing well, but now I know what I'm doing for THIS thing, so no need to worry." We've all pointed out that you let things fall apart after the stress of a move, and your response was: I'll get back to everyone else's points tonight. Look on the baby stuff that's an unfair quip because you specifically said we probably have like 1 thing. I was simply replying to you there. I'm really trying to analyze what you're saying here. To debate this statement a little bit before I draw any further conclusions, I want to bring this up (again just as a debate): According to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, having a baby is actually less stressful than a pregnancy, let alone moving and having a pregnant wife at the same time.  Moving isn't far below that. Now we've been affected by almost a lot of those items in the past year that this thread has been around (there's more if you click the link I posted), including many of them concurrently. Now my best guess after reconciling YNAB (again without the details, but the final result) it looks like we broke the budget by about $500, and again that's because I didn't plan on buying lawn tools when I initially drew up the budget, and those were $220 (and again they already paid for themselves). It also includes $100 that my cousin unexpectedly wanted as payment for helping me move (again the original deal was my electronic drum set) and taking him out to lunch. There were also some things we needed for the house. I'm being sincere here. If that's the worst a pregnancy AND moving can do to us, do you really think we'll go nuts and spend everything we have when the baby comes looking at that stress scale? That's of course assuming I will continue to be accountable here on the forums. I'm not trying to be a jerk by asking that, I'm really trying to figure this out. Because after seeing that I feel like we can handle it fine, again as long as I keep posting here. I don't think I would have broken the budget if I had asked for a little moving advice here as I think HawkGirl mentioned a week or two back. I want to write more but I think I hit the points well enough and I need to get some work done.
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Dec 9, 2014 01:56
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Knyteguy posted:I'll get back to everyone else's points tonight. What I keep pointing out is that you assume that if you have all the external stuff (a modest savings account, some frozen meals, baby equipment), you'll be fine. You need to look at the INTERNAL stuff, figure out why you always kneejerk, develop some better coping strategies... Oh. OH. You posted a stress scale. I totally didn't see that. Oh yeah, you're fine. FYI, I don't think "gaining a new family member" means "becoming a parent", but OK. As long as the scale says it's easier than moving, you're good, and whatever insights people who have kids want to offer is just silly. Carry on. April fucked around with this message at 02:07 on Dec 9, 2014 |
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Dec 9, 2014 02:04
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Knyteguy posted:I'll get back to everyone else's points tonight. This is a very good example as to why laypeople shouldn't use professional diagnostic criteria; this test is about measuring the impact of overall level of stress on health across a population. A pregnancy is not twice as stressful as moving; stress cannot be quantified in that way. What books have you read? Try to pick up Baby 411 if you've not read anything else.
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Dec 9, 2014 02:16
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April posted:What I keep pointing out is that you assume that if you have all the external stuff (a modest savings account, some frozen meals, baby equipment), you'll be fine. You need to look at the INTERNAL stuff, figure out why you always kneejerk, develop some better coping strategies... I have started to develop some better coping strategies. That's one of the reasons I decided to start riding my bike to work. The answer to "better coping strategies" is pretty much "I should get more exercise" and that's coming from a professional. See I tried my best to level with you here and you get all snarky and have an attitude for some reason. The chart if you had bothered to read it actually said moving is less stressful than having a baby of course. Maybe the pregnancy is the "having a baby". I was trying to listen to you and the people with kids here, thanks. You get frustrated too easily if I actually challenge what you're saying to try to understand it. Maybe some stress coping strategies would be good for yourself as well because I feel like you're projecting here, just based off how you're talking. I haven't discounted anything anyone says, but I may start discounting what you say if you can't speak to me on the level of a "responsible adult". I am a grown man and I would appreciate it if you would stop being condescending and sarcastic. I'm truly not even sure what you're up in arms about because I keep asking and you keep ignoring my question for some examples. Edit: and just so you know that I am actually hearing you: yes I know I kneejerk, but I don't think I do it to the extent that you mention. If you can give me some examples of why you feel like I kneejerk so badly I would really like to hear them, so that I can better understand exactly what I'm doing. Can be blind to your own actions sometimes, ya know? Knyteguy fucked around with this message at 02:28 on Dec 9, 2014 |
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Dec 9, 2014 02:16
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How about those lions KG? Figured I would give you one post that was easy to answer.
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Dec 9, 2014 02:17
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PCjr sidecar posted:This is a very good example as to why laypeople shouldn't use professional diagnostic criteria; this test is about measuring the impact of overall level of stress on health across a population. A pregnancy is not twice as stressful as moving; stress cannot be quantified in that way. OK for real quick last post: we have the book. The chart was just found on a google search of "stressful life events" to try to get an idea here. spwrozek posted:How about those lions KG? Ah yea I was wondering what you were thinking about the Lions. Doing great right!? Cheering em on big time here in Reno. There's more Lions fans around here than I thought. Haven't missed a game yet! If you missed it check out the "LIONS BITCH" thread in the football funhouse; pretty entertaining stuff.
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Dec 9, 2014 02:20
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I'll say again, having a healthy baby isn't that bad. It's hard, but it's not as bad as it's being made out to be. Some of the difficulty is offset by the fact that it's a happy time, and nobody ever mentions that here. New baby is a celebratory time, even if the rest of life is stressful. They are cute and you hold them, and they sleep on your chest, and it's nice. The fatigue is hard. Being tired will sap your willpower. Be cognizant of that for sure. If your baby is premature or there is anything wrong the stress is as bad as anything possible. I had a baby in the NICU for a week and it was the most stressful week of my life. Can't even think of what would be runner up, it was bad. But if your baby is healthy, you'll be fine.
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Dec 9, 2014 02:34
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Knyteguy posted:OK for real quick last post: we have the book. The chart was just found on a google search of "stressful life events" to try to get an idea here. You're telling multiple people that their lived experiences which they have shared with you in detail are wrong based on a 30 second Google search and 15 seconds of Wikipedia, but you think people aren't taking the time to engage with you fairly? quote:Ah yea I was wondering what you were thinking about the Lions. Doing great right!? Cheering em on big time here in Reno. There's more Lions fans around here than I thought. Haven't missed a game yet! If you missed it check out the "LIONS BITCH" thread in the football funhouse; pretty entertaining stuff. It's amazing how many diehards in Honolulu Blue suddenly appear if the season goes well.
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Dec 9, 2014 02:34
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Your prepaid birth plan seems to count on a natural birth. What if that doesn't happen? How much more will the c-section and hospital stay be?
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Dec 9, 2014 02:35
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PCjr sidecar posted:You're telling multiple people that their lived experiences which they have shared with you in detail are wrong based on a 30 second Google search and 15 seconds of Wikipedia, but you think people aren't taking the time to engage with you fairly? Again I will get to everyone's posts tonight; I'm just answering the ones I can at the moment. I'm answering this one because I don't want everyone getting their feelings all hurt. I am not trying to tell anyone they're wrong at all, and I'm really not discounting what they're saying, and if that's how anyone took it then I'm sorry if it came off like that. What I'm trying to do is get a feeling for just how stressful this baby will be compared to my current experiences so I can approach the impending birth the best I can. However I think April has had a chip on her shoulder towards me for a few months now since we decided to move and I'm guessing it's because she feels burned by me or perhaps more importantly her brief faith in me, when I wasn't trying to do such a thing.
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Dec 9, 2014 02:52
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^^^ A baby is about 10x more stressful as the most stressful event in your life to date. ^^^Knyteguy posted:...It's a little demotivating, and it's that kind of ignorant stuff said in there that drives me crazy... Which is it? The biggest difference between you and SloMo is that he calls his detractors "haters" while you just whine and look for sympathy from the posters who still have some kind of faith in you. PCjr sidecar posted:You're telling multiple people that their lived experiences which they have shared with you in detail are wrong based on a 30 second Google search and 15 seconds of Wikipedia, but you think people aren't taking the time to engage with you fairly? KnyteGuy is just as arrogant as SloMo in his own way. (Cue whining while feigning indifference.)
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Dec 9, 2014 02:54
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Quantum Finger posted:^^^ A baby is about 10x more stressful as the most stressful event in your life to date. ^^^ This. It is very stressful and time consuming. Not without the up times but sleep is a rare commodity early on. You will get through it but just don't go impulse spending.
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Dec 9, 2014 03:00
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Knyteguy posted:I have started to develop some better coping strategies. That's one of the reasons I decided to start riding my bike to work. The answer to "better coping strategies" is pretty much "I should get more exercise" and that's coming from a professional. You posted a chart that didn't even list "having a baby" as a stressful event to prove how capable you are. You still don't think that was dumb. There have been examples throughout the thread. Moving to a lovely apartment with five pets instead of thinking it through and coming up with a better plan. Hell, having five pets. Getting a high-maintenance super-active dog with nowhere to exercise it. Buying a kindle just a few days after setting a new tighter budget. Buying gardening supplies in December. Moving again to somewhere more expensive when you still haven't managed to live within your budget for two months in a row. Calling your wife out in a public forum for not knowing months before the baby is born whether she'll work afterward. Getting a secured credit card for $300 after a whopping 40 minutes of research. These are just off the top of my head. Someone with more patience than I can probably comb through the thread and find more. Once again - ignoring everything that people with kids tell you because "I totally moved with a pregnant wife (because I couldn't wait another few months) so a baby isn't a problem!" and then whining that you're being treated like a child.
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Dec 9, 2014 03:04
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I mostly just lurk BFC but I've been reading your thread from the beginning. I was also hoping that some of the parents would give you some examples of what they did. I'm having my first baby in April and I can tell you the financial things my husband and I have done to prepare. 1. Term life insurance (20 years): Increased husband's to 10x income, mine is through work and about 3x now but will increase it to 10x once I'm no longer pregnant and back at work. 2. Made trial budgets: For some of the new financial sinks we plan to face. Daycare, lower pay for some of maternity/paternity leave, 529/ESA contributions, baby expenses. We're not really spenders and in no debt, so we don't live on a zero-based monthly budget and I'm a little worried about impulse spending. 3. No missed payments: I usually handle the credit card/bill payments but I've put alerts on both of our calendars to remind us when things are due. I like to audit the charges myself to make sure there are no errors, but I might just put everything on auto-pay in March. 4. Make a will. Other than that, I'm just assuming that we'll be completely overwhelmed by the baby and having the equivalent of our dumbest financial month for at least a few months. Hope the rest of your wife's pregnancy goes well! It's been frustrating to read your thread at times (^^^April does a good recap of why) but I'm rooting for you.
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Dec 9, 2014 03:07
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Baja Mofufu posted:1. Term life insurance (20 years): Increased husband's to 10x income, mine is through work and about 3x now but will increase it to 10x once I'm no longer pregnant and back at work. Baja Mofufu posted:3. No missed payments: I usually handle the credit card/bill payments but I've put alerts on both of our calendars to remind us when things are due. I like to audit the charges myself to make sure there are no errors, but I might just put everything on auto-pay in March.
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Dec 9, 2014 03:27
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SiGmA_X posted:I have never looked, but can you get more term now, while preggo? It would be very difficult if you died during labor and had inadequate insurance. Sorry to be morbid, but it happens... No it's totally ok, it's a good point and I'm still looking into it. My employer's rate becomes pretty uncompetitive if I want more coverage, which I found out last month during open enrollment. I've called a couple of companies who won't issue policies during pregnancy (even pregnancies without complications), but I've heard that some will. I tend to assume the worst is going to happen financially—that I won't be able to get a policy until after I recover—but I just need to keep calling around.
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Dec 9, 2014 04:36
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I do think you're being a bit stubborn about this, Knyteguy. You say that these extra circumstances won't be there during the baby, but that's not really true is it? Things happen, maybe not the exact same thing but something unforeseeable. What everyone is trying to get you to see (and similar to how you finally saw the wisdom of a good emergency fund) is that you need to do what you can now to minimize the impact of anything unforeseeable. If you're not prepared, it's not just your life that it's effecting, it's your child's too. If something were to happen during the birth, something which ramps up your costs or puts your wife on disability and you have to take care of your child on your own. What will happen? I get that April's delivery isn't always the best, but you can't use that to brush aside really good advice. Her post here: April posted:Because every time it's pointed out to you that you generally handle stress in financially irresponsible ways, you act like we have no idea what we are talking about. Your attitude is "well, yeah, I didn't handle THIS thing well, but now I know what I'm doing for THIS thing, so no need to worry." We've all pointed out that you let things fall apart after the stress of a move, and your response was: was solid. And instead of digesting it and taking it seriously, you (by your own admission) looked up a scale that's really inapplicable to your situation in a 15s Google search. Do you see how that's a bit disrespectful and may cause the bite in her response? It's exhausting to have to debate you to death on every point and it's frustrating for you to not trust the advice of people who are clearly invested in your success who have tons of experience with what you're going through. You have expressed several times that there's hyperbole here. And, well, yes if you're talking about what will happen on average. But this is your life, your wife's life, and now your child's life on the line. Do you really want to plan for what will happen 50% of the time, or do you want to plan for a reasonable worse case scenario so that when it happens (as per Murphy's law) you won't have your world crashing down your ears?
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Dec 9, 2014 04:42
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Baja Mofufu posted:I mostly just lurk BFC but I've been reading your thread from the beginning. I was also hoping that some of the parents would give you some examples of what they did. I'm having my first baby in April and I can tell you the financial things my husband and I have done to prepare. Glad you posted. Congratulations - I'm hoping for a great birth for you. 1) Definitely 2) We've sort of done this but I think we should revisit it 3) Yep autopay setup on everything we have, and I have YNAB automatically enter the expenses every month to the budget too. 4) Nevada is community property, meaning my wife gets everything in the case of death. Would you still recommend a will? More posts incoming.
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Dec 9, 2014 05:30
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Quantum Finger posted:^^^ A baby is about 10x more stressful as the most stressful event in your life to date. ^^^ Please don't act like you know all of the details or even what I've gone through to get to this point. I'm not "looking for sympathy" and stop calling me a whiner. I get that having a baby is really, really freaking hard. I'll address this in another post below. Easychair Bootson posted:Why not set a budget for dining out rather than having a large discretionary budget that you draw from? I realize there's a limit to how many categories you want to manage but if you have one for bicycle costs it seems like you'd have one for dining out. +50 in outflows in Efund is what I used to pay our emergency fund back from my discretionary, since we had a couple unplanned expenses like the vet bill. I was just doing my best to keep the budget copacetic. I don't really want to set a budget for dining out just because I'm worried it will encourage eating out which is contrary to multiple goals of mine right now. I could be wrong there of course? Bugamol posted:I absolutely do think you're making progress. You remind me of myself, but replace finances with weight control. I do pretty well for a few months, get cocky, busy, stressful, and fall off the wagon. Then I try and ignore a month (stop counting calories or pretend that month didn't exist) get back on track (rinse repeat). At the end of the day everyone has problems and vices. Shoot man you can do it! I was once 230lbs, and I ended up getting down to around 165lbs. I don't know your whole backstory with it but it's worth it once you're there. I'm struggling right along with you here too. Here's a recipe I recently found that... admittedly isn't a culinary masterpiece, but it makes a huge pot and it's filling: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/cabbage-fat-burning-soup/detail.aspx?soid=home_pins_1 What goals did you set at the beginning of this thread? 1) To get out of debt 2) To save up for a house How close are you to achieving those goals? Are you on track? I think that as a whole we are on track, yes. The baby detracted our financial goals somewhat, but I'm OK with that. A rental house right now is as good as a permanent house until they start school. Then having a permanent place will be very important. We've had some speed bumps along the way... but since we came back in May I feel like we've been doing good. There's room for improvement of course. What goals did you set for yourself in May (your go to date for when things started going right)? Correct on the go to date. Pay off the car by February, as Gma was going to give us $5,000 for doing so. How close are you to achieve those goals? Are you on track? Unfortunately that became unrealistic, and I don't know if we could have done that even eating rice and beans. She set that February requirement. Other than that I think our goals have pretty much stayed the same. If we had been wiser and chosen a more comfortable place to live in, rather than the apartment... I think we'd be much closer to our goals than we currently are. It sucks that I put our family willingly into a situation where our would we be almost for naught. Other than that I think the last paragraph goes into why we are on track. How close are you to saving up the $20,000 you need for your matching house down payment? At one point you were certain you could do this in a year. (I think? Maybe it was 2 years) 2 years. $200 at the moment, but it's simply a vanity fund until we meet our more important goals like paying off debt and getting through this pregnancy. Same with our Vanguard account ($60/~$2000) How close are you to paying off your car? At one point you were going to have this paid off in 1-2 years. Not at all, but that's at the advice of the forum. We probably could have dumped $5,000 into by now; however I understand the advice against doing so which is why we took it. The pregnancy has some potentially unexpected costs, but interest and car payments are fixed payments. How close are you to having 6 months emergency fund established? If all of our savings HAD to be an emergency fund we would have around $3,000 right now. Also our HSA has $2,500 we could use with a 20% tax penalty if necessary (I think the tax rate is correct). So... about 1/3rd of the way to give a clear answer barring a complete disaster. Where did you think you would be on all of those goals at the beginning of the year? In May? ... further than we were, admittedly. At the beginning of the year I was thinking we'd be way ahead with like "$50,000 in the bank!" But I think that's more of a problem of my somewhat unrealistic expectations which I think we covered heavily in the thread? See man not ignored. It's just hard to find an hour or two to sit down and do this sometimes but it doesn't mean I lose the point. More posts coming. E: removed something a little too personal to share with someone being antagonistic. Knyteguy fucked around with this message at 07:20 on Dec 9, 2014 |
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Dec 9, 2014 06:01
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Rurutia posted:I do think you're being a bit stubborn about this, Knyteguy. You say that these extra circumstances won't be there during the baby, but that's not really true is it? Things happen, maybe not the exact same thing but something unforeseeable. What everyone is trying to get you to see (and similar to how you finally saw the wisdom of a good emergency fund) is that you need to do what you can now to minimize the impact of anything unforeseeable. If you're not prepared, it's not just your life that it's effecting, it's your child's too. If something were to happen during the birth, something which ramps up your costs or puts your wife on disability and you have to take care of your child on your own. What will happen? I'm not trying to be stubborn, I'm trying to find a frame of reference Rurutia. I feel like the input I've been getting is "babies are hard", without much more than that. Someone else in the thread said it well "he (me) know's he's having a baby." Also I hear you regarding Murphy's law. That's a good point, and I do need to reflect a little bit on this stuff. I wasn't trying to be disrespectful to April. Here let me put some quotes directed towards me here to show you something: quote:You live in a mildew apartment, excited to "rent" a house, and are financially and irresponsibly ready to have a kid. Keep to your own miserable thread. quote:That's pretty awesome, now you're definitely nothing like Knyteguy! quote:Also Slomo deserves more props than Knyteguy, since he's just pissing money away instead of bringing a baby into a hosed up animal hoarder situation and thinking he can solve his problems with a home dropshipping business. quote:This quote:You're a loving joke. Justify, justify, while my net worth increases and yours goes into the shitter because you have no capacity to plan ahead for the future. quote:Being substantially in debt and having a child sounds like a far worse idea than anything SloMo has done, including Opera Drugs. And that's just recently. There've been way more. It's easy to get defensive or even upset, especially when there's hostility in the post as I feel like April likes to do. Don't get me wrong there's good posts too: Horking Delight posted:If people didn't care about you and want badly for you to succeed, they wouldn't be getting angry. They'd just laugh at you and egg you on. Nocheez posted:This. Knyte has hope, Slow Motion is lost. Veskit posted:It's pretty funny that there's more of that than in the Slow Motion thread. Hey Knyte at least this is a good sign that people.... care about you? Veskit posted:You know I love you. moana posted:(paraphrased) moana saying I'm an alright dude, pretty much But seriously guys I'm not loving Slow Motion here. I didn't loving ask to be berated, I didn't ask for this thread really to even be an accountability thread. I'd like to say it again: it's really loving hard putting every detail of my life out there and then getting called poo poo for it. Yea maybe Quantum Finger is right maybe it does loving bother me. It's the internet so that's stupid right? loving take it easy though eh? I'm tired of people talking poo poo and being condescending, and gently caress off if you think I'm wrong for feeling that way about it. One more post incoming. Knyteguy fucked around with this message at 06:44 on Dec 9, 2014 |
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Dec 9, 2014 06:20
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Knyteguy posted:4) Nevada is community property, meaning my wife gets everything in the case of death. Would you still recommend a will? We live in a community property state too. Our main reason for making a will was to name a personal and property guardian for our baby in case we both die. We have family members who would probably fight over guardianship and only two of them are viable options to us.
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Dec 9, 2014 06:24
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Courtesy of an IM chat with Sigma. April I THINK this is what you were getting at? You seriously do have a chip on your shoulder with me sometimes so it's hard to tell if I should be getting defensive or not. Anyway: quote:Sigma: I think they really want you to see the impact of impulsive decisions under stress. Tuyop did it big time. And after a long while he saw and brought it around. When you said 'its too hard to reconcile the month because the move happened', it worried people. I wouldn't sweat it too much, just reconcile and look for ways to plan around the potential unknown. Is that what you were trying to tell me? Because if so I then I can get behind working on that. I was having trouble getting what you were trying to communicate to me.
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Dec 9, 2014 06:26
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Baja Mofufu posted:We live in a community property state too. Our main reason for making a will was to name a personal and property guardian for our baby in case we both die. We have family members who would probably fight over guardianship and only two of them are viable options to us. Oh, I see. For the baby. OK good idea we should probably get that straightened out here ASAP. We can draw up something informal for now, and then maybe try Legalzoom for something official once he is born.
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Dec 9, 2014 06:27
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KG, I think October looked good, and you are making some improvements. Getting a better job was huge, and congrats on that. However, I also feel you tend to get a blind spot to your weak areas and dismiss people trying to help you see patterns. How many times have you found yourself saying that yeah you made a mistake but you've learned from it and everybody should just let it go? What does it mean that you keep having to say that? Yeah, okay, people are snarky assholes. Do you know what site this is? You really should work out a few sample budgets for baby time. Do expected and conservative. You should be doing this a lot. Also consider power-saving a baby fund from now until the birth so you have funds to draw from that aren't emergency savings. You don't want to be stressed that you have to go get something and where is the money coming from. You just want to be able to get it and relax and focus on the baby. ... To people confused by YNAB... The numbers in parenthesis in the left column with the line items are just KG's recommendation to himself. It's not the actual budget. The first column of numbers is the budget for the month. The second column of numbers is the expenditures for the month. There could also be a positive in here if you get reimbursed for something, or if you assign interest in an on-budget savings account to a category. The third column is carry-over from previous months plus the budget for this month minus the expenditures. So October was pretty much on target. YNAB encourages you to massage numbers, but it wants you to stay under your income. The whole point is to have an idea of how you're slicing the pie, even if you rearrange some pieces. ... But holy poo poo $510 for a Corolla?
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Dec 9, 2014 08:28
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I feel like most of the negative stuff in this thread is intended as motivation, but it doesn't seem like you're the kind of guy that gets motivated by being poo poo on. Some people really blossom under that sort of thing, but here it just seems to be a negative feedback loop: You get a lot of poo poo, so you lay out why you don't deserve all that poo poo, and then people give you poo poo for that because it looks like you're defending your behavior, then you defend yourself again, etc. I don't have kids but it's obviously one of those things that you can't wrap your head around until you have kids. There's not much sense in explaining to you or me what having kids is like, because it's just too life-changing. I don't know if you're ever going to get a straight answer on why baby-having is loving crazy, and I don't think it's because people are trying to be all smug about being expert kid-havers and not sharing their experience. It's like explaining to someone what playing an instrument is like, it's like just go and try out an instrument then you'll get it. Totally senseless to try explaining it. I think the "smug"ness is in your somewhat overconfident language. Like a page or two ago you said something like "we have the right attitude" when defending something. That's a red flag to me. It should be more like "we have the right attitude right now" or maybe even "do we have the right attitude? Maybe I should sit down and reflect on how I'm doing." A good financial attitude is not something that you earn and keep forever, it's something that you have to constantly re-evaluate and revise to keep on the right track. I bet that seems really really tiny and petty but I feel it is not. I don't feel like you should feel obliged to reply to everything everyone posts. I think every post in this thread is useful in some way, so I'm not recommending ignoring things. But if you read a post and all it feels like is an attack, why respond? It only feeds that loop I mentioned earlier. You might find that if you revisit posts you didn't respond to at first, some of them might be less of an attack than they seemed at first.
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Dec 9, 2014 08:45
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Looking at your OP, I sadly can't see too much to trim. It's easy to say to cut the discretionary, but you don't have any line items for entertainment expenses, so that doesn't seem too bad. But maybe cut it to $100/each for a while? The big thing of course is the animals. It's easy to say get rid of them, but there's no goddamn way I'd ever have gotten rid of my cat even when I was on the verge of homelessness. But it really sounds like your latest dog is a very needy breed, and it doesn't sound like you knew that going in. You will have ZERO time for your animals once the baby arrives. Are there any family members who can take some of these off your hands? Again, I get it, but drat you have a lot of pets. Seriously consider what can be done here. My wife's cat was gotten as an adult from someone who couldn't care for him, and the little dude is happy as can be. I hope you're not planning on holiday gifting for all the relatives. They understand you have a baby on the way. It's gonna be really tight for a long time. Best of luck.
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Dec 9, 2014 08:49
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Knyteguy posted:I don't really want to set a budget for dining out just because I'm worried it will encourage eating out which is contrary to multiple goals of mine right now. I could be wrong there of course? I guess the bigger theme is that I like to keep as small of a discretionary fund as is reasonable. Booze, hobbies, and dining out get their own categories. A candy bar comes out of the "spending money" budget.
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Dec 9, 2014 14:00
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Knyte, both Cornholio and Tuyop had similar parts to their threads. You're facing reality and it's scary, it's challenging everything you thought you knew. You feel like you've already figured everything out. I mean, you *are* an adult, right? But part of being an adult is learning how to deal with ideas outside of your normal thinking. Your normal thinking/actions have led you to where you are now. Are you in serious trouble at this moment? No. Are you one major incident away from ruin? Possibly. What we're trying to do is point out the flaws in your thinking and planning. No one is perfect, not even the BFC Hivemind. The BFCH is really great at helping out, but you have to be willing to try some new ideas. Sometimes it's a simple change, like biking to work, that is very easy to implement and you see results quickly. Other ideas, like making a realistic budget and sticking to it, are a huge change in one's mindset. When you come across something that seems difficult or expensive, try to find a way of doing it without breaking the bank. I personally think you should consider re-homing some of your animals and that you moved into the house too quickly and expensively, but only you know if it was worth it. You, your wife, and your child are going to have to deal with it, and that definitely is a tough burden to shoulder. Make sure you're not doing things to keep up appearances. To put my personal junk out there: My in-laws tend to give me crap about being frugal, driving an old car, not wanting a huge house in the 'burbs with a formal dining room, etc. I always tell them that if they want to pay for it, they can get whatever they want for me. But since I pay the bills, I'm going to live the way I choose. That means staying in my little home for a few more years and socking away cash for when we truly are ready to start our family. We're on track to have 6 figures in the bank at that time, and that's going to make the whole moving/having a baby combo much easier on us. This is also considering that I'm changing jobs to one where I make less, but will not have to work as many hours or be stressed all the time. It's a little scary thinking about our take-home pay being less than it was, but we already live basically on one income as it is. We have a higher discretionary spending line in our budget than most would, but we have no debt outside of our mortgage. It took a long time, a lot of planning and reconciliation, and a lot of budget adjustments to get where we are now. Do I still want expensive toys? Of course! For some stupid reason, I keep pricing out 70" TVs like I want to buy one. I even went to Best Buy to scope out the latest and greatest ones. But I already have a large enough TV, and I really don't even play games or watch much TV anymore. Even though we can easily afford it, I've decided that just pretending that I'm looking for a TV is fun enough. I'm happy to enjoy what I already have. I only bring these things up because you are fully capable of being in the same position. Analyze your decision-making process. Figure out what is *really* important in life. Toys, brand-name clothes, electronics, etc are just noise in our lives. Sure, everyone needs an outlet, but you should be able to find things that are relatively inexpensive to do for fun. Etch glassware, buy cheap paintings at Goodwill and paint over them, learn a new coding language, etc. You can do it, you just need to stop making excuses for why you didn't do what you are capable of doing.
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Dec 9, 2014 14:52
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I feel that there has been a good amount of specific baby advice, but since we’re still at the “hey I know they’re hard but no specifics” stage, I will try to make a comprehensive post of things you can think about now so you don’t get blind-sided: Feeding: This is often overlooked, because until you have a baby you don’t appreciate how hard breastfeeding is. So many things seem to go wrong, and it is a sure-fire way of tanking a new mom’s confidence. What you can do: have your supplies ready (bottles, nipples, cleaning brush, etc.) and look into getting the breast pump before the birth. Also, see if the hospital you are delivering at has a breastfeeding coach on hand (they have another title that escapes me right now) – they can be invaluable in the first days. Otherwise you just have to be flexible – breastfeeding doesn’t work out for everyone, and you may have to fall back on formula. In the early days it’s the liquid-ready stuff, which is worth its weight in gold, and after that you can go to powder, which is worth its weight in silver. Start looking for where you can get the stuff on sale now so you aren’t caught flat-footed and just buy at the nutso regular price. Sleep: As I may have pointed out, especially with breast feeding, your wife will be looking at 1+ h feeding every 2-3 hours. This schedule plays havoc on your brain. Luckily it’s not permanent, but it sure feels like it. This will ultimately affect your decision-making abilities, and kill your motivation to do anything but take care of the baby and sleep. Depression: There is a good chance she will only have the “baby blues”, but you have to be on guard for post-partum depression. It is hard to spot (take it from someone who has first-hand experience) – you can’t decide where sleep deprivation ends and depression begins. Account for the scenario where she will have to see a doctor and get anti-depressants. Feeding (yours): As I said, your motivation to do anything beyond work and sleep will be nil. Talk to family and ask they bring food when they visit (stuff you can freeze and reheat). Or gift cards for nearby restaurants that have take-out (thanks Mom and Dad – we had a ton of Swiss Chalet cards and they saved us a ton of cash). Have as many meals prepped on your end as you can. Extra work (for you): This will really depend, but as we had twins my workload at home went from shared to doing almost everything: laundry (holy poo poo, the laundry…), cat litter, cooking, garbage, cleaning, etc. etc. You have five animals that will probably become your prime responsibility as well. It’s going to suck, and there isn’t really any way to prepare for it other than to resign yourself to the fact that free time will become a distant memory. And this is just the everyday stuff off the top of my head – there’s also illness (more doctor visits/meds), growth spurts (food consumption increases rapidly), thrush (I don’t know the odds but if it hits your wife it’s murder), and probably a dozen things I’ve blocked out in the intervening years. In closing, I will add to the chorus of agreeing that while you think you are being conciliatory, you do tend to brush off weaknesses while maintaining the mantra “we have the right mindset it will work out.” Hey, maybe it will, and all to the good. But you can’t live your life long term hoping it’ll all come out alright in the end. What the thread is looking for is some real introspection, humbleness and humility in the face of people who have the experience and know what they are talking about. Also agree that stress chart is rubbish and having a baby will be at least 10X worse than anything you’ve gone through to date.
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Dec 9, 2014 15:13
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Aagar posted:Also, see if the hospital you are delivering at has a breastfeeding coach on hand (they have another title that escapes me right now) – they can be invaluable in the first days. "Lactation Consultant" Even if you breastfeed most people switch over to formula at some point (and this free's up mom as well). Sam's Club has good cheap formula, we'd just buy 2-3 tubs at a time (they expire in 3 months or so if I recall correctly). Kids more than anything change your routine. It's not easy to go get groceries anymore, for the first 2-3 months you will feel chained to your house since the baby is sleeping or eating. You can work around it, but you're planning a lot for each trip. Lots of emotions and instability that makes everything harder. Everyone goes through it, and it will of course get easier and better as you become adjusted. Your life will revolve around the new baby for at least the first 2-3 months, and that's alright. I think that's why people are saying the budget/saving needs to be habit/reflexive.
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Dec 9, 2014 15:56
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To add and clarify:Aagar posted:breastfeeding coach on hand (they have another title that escapes me right now) Lactation Consultant. Aagar posted:breastfeeding doesn’t work out for everyone I have a friend who pulled me aside at one point (she has a 11 year old son) and said she just wanted to stress ONE thing to me and that one thing was, "Do not beat yourself up or let other people get under your skin if you can't breastfeed. It happens more often than you think and the stigma is awful." I bring this up because you have mentioned your plan is to breastfeed, which will save oodles of money and also be the best option. But if it ends up not working out for your wife, not only do you need to not have that be a financial death sentence but you need to make sure your wife knows it's not her fault and not make her feel guilty that it's not happening for her. Aagar posted:cat litter By the way, she shouldn't be changing the litter anyways. The risk is toxoplasmosis and she is vulnerable while pregnant. Aagar posted:But you can’t live your life long term hoping it’ll all come out alright in the end. What the thread is looking for is some real introspection, humbleness and humility in the face of people who have the experience and know what they are talking about. This is probably the most succinct way that the frustrations of the thread is being summed up (at least, this is my frustration too). I think we want introspection and detailed thoughts/budgets/plans and what you give us is, "Why are you giving me poo poo, I'm totally prepared" with nothing concrete past, "We have some baby gear."
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Dec 9, 2014 15:59
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Hey Knyteguy, you're an alright dude, pretty much. Keep your chin up and follow the good advice being posted!
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Dec 9, 2014 16:56
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MrEnigma posted:"Lactation Consultant" Hellooooo new business card!  Knyteguy - yes, you need a will. This helps ensure that in the event of your demise your wishes are carried out. Since you're starting a family you want to make sure that they are well cared for no matter what happens. At this stage of the game, it's pretty easy - "my wife gets everything". The form doesn't take long to fill out and it isn't expensive to get notarized. http://www.daveramsey.com/store/us-legal-forms/cUsLegal.html This sorts out a lot of stupid bullshit that your wife would otherwise be left with when you pass on.
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Dec 9, 2014 18:02
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