Achewood Thread 12: Hey, Look! We're Back! What Happened?!

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > BSS: Bisexual Super Son > Achewood Thread 12: Hey, Look! We're Back! What Happened?!

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Dunny: Jul 11, 2022; On that secret Taco Bell menu since small times

(Thanks for the Achewood collection, dude)

theironjef posted:

I would also like all that stuff.

Feel free to grab it, it's available to all.

# ? Jul 12, 2022 20:58

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# ? Jun 10, 2024 00:18

ColdPie: Jun 9, 2006

You know, this would make a decent book.

# ? Jul 13, 2022 02:33

Dunny: Jul 11, 2022; On that secret Taco Bell menu since small times

(Thanks for the Achewood collection, dude)

ColdPie posted:

You know, this would make a decent book.

There are plenty of self-publishing places on the web that will print you a one-off. It's expensive but might be worth doing. I'd not put the whole lot into one volume though - 2004 alone weighs in at what, about 450 pages? The whole thing would be a mammoth tome.

# ? Jul 13, 2022 10:41

panko: Sep 6, 2005; ~honda best man~

googling up the FARE THEE NOT WELL panel led me to this:

Trials of Honor Wiki - Cymulon Tenebron

who�s responsible?

# ? Jul 14, 2022 18:50

Halloween Jack: Sep 12, 2003; I WILL CUT OFF BOTH OF MY ARMS BEFORE I VOTE FOR ANYONE THAT IS MORE POPULAR THAN BERNIE!!!!!

There used to be a Great Outdoor Fight wiki, but it's been gone for years.

# ? Jul 14, 2022 19:31

palamedes: Mar 9, 2008

i'm seeing a lotta layoffs from oni press on twitter. now we're DOUBLE not gettin that book. the curse... it's real...

# ? Jul 14, 2022 20:23

Dunny: Jul 11, 2022; On that secret Taco Bell menu since small times

(Thanks for the Achewood collection, dude)

Halloween Jack posted:

There used to be a Great Outdoor Fight wiki, but it's been gone for years.

https://web.archive.org/web/20080922002914/http://greatoutdoorfight.com/index.php/Main_Page

There's a lot missing but most of it is findable if you skip around the dates a bit. I'm currently collating it all so I can add it in as an addendum to the 2006 volume.

# ? Jul 14, 2022 22:26

drrockso20: May 6, 2013; Has Not Actually Done Cocaine

Reading through the 2003 volume and there was a missed opportunity in the Subway arc, Philippe mentions that Todd has a Subway franchise but unlike the ones Lyle, Vlad, or Pat have we never see it on panel, probably could have gotten a good gag or two out of someone like Todd trying to run a Subway

# ? Jul 14, 2022 22:56

Zefiel: Sep 14, 2007; You can do whatever you want in life.

All operating out of a Dr Martens box

Zero regards for food safety

# ? Jul 14, 2022 23:09

Phy: Jun 27, 2008; Fun Shoe

So, barely distinguishable from every other Subway

# ? Jul 14, 2022 23:18

hexwren: Feb 27, 2008

Zereth posted:

Definitely

You don't mention the subscriber stuff from around the time of roast beef's wedding on that one weird site which I don't think exists anymore, though? I forget the name of it

I absolutely do not want to get anyone's hopes up, and I'm at work for several more hours, so I can't go looking until late tonight...but I might have this stuff.

I remember taking the bullet and paying for it to download the stuff and post it on a private (obviously now long-defunct) forum connected to the irc server i used to hang out on.

the question becomes "did I save this in a manner that meant it got backed up like three or four computers ago." I'll let you know.

# ? Jul 15, 2022 02:28

Halloween Jack: Sep 12, 2003; I WILL CUT OFF BOTH OF MY ARMS BEFORE I VOTE FOR ANYONE THAT IS MORE POPULAR THAN BERNIE!!!!!

Zefiel posted:

All operating out of a Dr Martens box

Zero regards for food safety

It seemed to give him energy.

# ? Jul 15, 2022 03:38

Zereth: Jul 9, 2003

Hey speaking of books
https://twitter.com/AchewoodPlus20/status/1547822562503102466

# ? Jul 15, 2022 08:44

xiw: Sep 25, 2011; i wake up at night
night action madness nightmares
maybe i am scum
Cpig Haiku contest 2020 winner

Zereth posted:

Definitely

You don't mention the subscriber stuff from around the time of roast beef's wedding on that one weird site which I don't think exists anymore, though? I forget the name of it

I have the email updates for this from #71 through #300 or so and some random later ones - i should see what I can do to extract them. A lot o them are just images which are long gone but there are also reasonable chunks.

From Sep 2, 2010:

quote:

Achewood Premium Updates #817 :
From the Desk of

Pat Reynolds

Well, I was having a little fun last night, and I came up with an idea
that made Rod and me laugh. It�ll make you laugh, too. Sure,
it�s based on popular culture, which is always a losing bet, but I
think for now it�s ok to put it out there. Not everything I write
needs to be kept for the ages (although I am sure future scholars will be
able to extrapolate anthropological value from this).

There is a television show called, �So You Think You Can
Dance.� Rod and I, I hate to admit, watch it on a weekly basis. The
base appeal is obviously that it, like most popular television, allows us
to act as judge and jury over those who are more wealthy and more
attractive. Also, everyone can tell at a primal level if Jeverson or
Bainicca is �on� during a particular routine, but my personal
deep background in swing dancing makes it all the more interesting to me
and those who watch with me. Any dolt can tell who has �it� and
who doesn�t right away, but on top of that, if you have my knowledge,
or access to it, you can see who�s actually been paying attention
during their lessons, and who�s just phoning it in because their
agent got them the gig and their career is otherwise on life support.

Well, why let the big networks have all the fun? Rod and I thought it
would be a great idea to host our own version of the show, on local cable.
I got a legal pad, he mixed himself a big Fernet-cucumber spritzer, and
pretty soon we had the outline�as well as a sizable guest
list�firmly in place. �Soy You Think You Can Dance� was
born! (�Oh, it�ll be a scream!� Rod shrieked. I am not a
big fan of faggy overspeak, but it did put a little wind in my sails to
hear his enthusiasm.)

The premise serves a bit of an agenda, I will admit. In this program, our
guests are paired with vegan dance professionals (or yogi, in some cases),
and their lumbering, beast-swollen, unctuous physicalities are brought into
sharp contrast with those of their more healthful partners. The program
would be sponsored by my new line of agave-agar macerated Anachazi berry
�Soothies�,� a nutrio-negative, guiltless, spoonable
room-temperature treat that comes with a sachet of hand-mellowed Kordacha
pistils. Win-win. Time to do a few dry runs.

As I would be serving as head judge, I couldn�t just dance with Rod,
so I recused myself and called on my dumb old friend Ray, as he has modest
physical abilities and is typically not doing anything of importance. I
told him we were throwing our own dance contest show and, prima donna that
he is, he agreed to come right over and cut a rug. Sure, he�d be
dancing with Rod, but that hardly matters to a dancer of skill. Rod does,
in fact, do everything I do but backwards and, yes, often in heels. He did
on my birthday, anyway.

Ray came over and quickly surveilled the situation.

�Where the women at?� he asked. �I ain�t just
gonna moonwalk while you turn kale into weak clear bones, yo.�

�You�ll be dancing with Rod,� I replied, ticking a few
items off on my clipboard. �Don�t worry, you�ll lead. He
follows like a shadow.�

�We�re dude-dancin�? You didn�t say nothin�
�bout that on the phone, hoss. You sure you ain�t just mad at
me, in some kind of way?�

�There will be women that you can smell and ogle, Ray,� I
assured him. �Don�t worry. This idea is very new and we
didn�t want to lose steam while we waited around for females to get
ready.�

He paused at this. �Good thinkin�,� he then said.
�You tell some woman she�s gonna be on TV, she�s gonna be
in the bathroom for two weeks pluckin� god knows what from god knows
where, and when she comes out, she�s only gonna seem like three bucks
nicer.�

�Exactly. So, do you have a musical preference for your practice
number?�

�Drop the needle on Fat Bottom Girls, G, and I�ll take your
eyes to heaven,� he said, pretending to slap a fat-bottomed girl, and
then fluttering his hands to the sky.

�You know I don�t have any Queen, Ray. How about something
else.�

�Well, you dig on Fela Kuti?�

I have to admit, I do have a tiny bit of pop music in my collection, and
Fela Kuti is one of the rare allowances. However, I more enjoy his music
intentionally, rather than out of any genuine joy that it creates for me.
It just seems responsible to own some. I put the album on, started the
turntable, and Fela Kuti�s �Zombie� began to make its way
through the speakers.

Ray began working a strut in a tight backwards circle, his arms crossed,
his mouth open in a wide smile, and Rod fanned into the room wearing his
latest favorite kimono (the tacky one with the hibiscus print obimakura
that is anything but slimming). You could tell that Ray didn�t really
want to engage him, but Rod fell into his arms like water and worked his
remarkable energy off of him in such a smooth way that you could tell
Ray�s inhibitions were melting. Ray did, I admit, develop a repartee
of some pretty clever energies of his own, and they clearly understood one
another. At the end of the six minute song, Rod squealed and skipped off to
change into a fresh kimono while Ray did a victory moonwalk around the
room.

�Come on, Pat!� he yelled, clapping above his head as he
continued to moonwalk, now in a figure-eight. �Join a brother!�

I put the needle down once again and took the challenge. I�d wear
him out, and prove my concept. We engaged, and then I spun a 15/12-step
Geithner�s Arabesque around his stationary Roger Rabbit (ugh, please)
and met him dead in the eye with a perfectly stuck heel-toe finial.

Ray was undaunted, and had yet to break a sweat. �You know,
Pat,� he laughed, �If you had some thumpin� aftermarket
titties, I�d suck �em!�

He was trying to put me off my game with �field talk.�
I�d have none of it. I spun three rat-a-tat pirouettes (Salzburg
modified, right lead, 270-270-180), stuck the finish with perfect balance,
and pointed directly at his face, my other hand holding the back of my
head. He made a silly grin and �comedy farted.� God, the
omnivorous. How they can summon such things up on demand. How we suffer
them.

In response to my carefully-studied and precise steps, he performed a move
that can best be described as �lying down on one�s chest and
cavorting like a leaping dolphin.� It seemed to derive from the
cardboard floors of the hip-hop sidewalks and abandoned parking lots. When
he was done, he clapped his heels a few times�with his hands behind
his back�and then, with surprising agility, launched himself backward
onto his feet. His energy only seemed to grow with this successful move. I
could not let it go un-bested, though at this point my old knee injury was
starting to sear like a mentholated rug burn and my strength was flagging a
little (had the protein index in Tana and Jimruth�s carrot-rubacha
bars gone down due to some fluctuation in the sun patterns over their plant
beds?).

I prepared to launch into my best swaggering Harlem coat check quad-step,
but then he began clapping in syncopated Brazilian half-beats, which
distracted me. I took a moment to gather my thoughts, then made my first
quad box, doffing an imaginary fedora and handing it to the coat check
girl, to whom I winked. I even mimed that I didn�t want gum. Despite
the quality of my choreography, he kept clapping, and screwed up my rhythm
to the point where I had to save the routine with a little low-knee
off-time d�nouement. It was elegant, but obviously a pit stop rather than a
victory lap. I excused myself to the kitchen for a Brita, and he kept on
dancing. He was thumping around so hard I thought he�d tear the
carpet and loosen the floorboards. I nearly yelled at him, but held my head
and found composure at the last second.

While I was recovering with spirits of ammonia and some highly dilute
agave, Rod came in and felt my forehead. �You�re so clammy,
baby,� he said. �You really should sit down.� I told him
I was having none of it, but then he checked my pulse (he has a friend
who�s a phlebotomist, and I�ve seen them practice together) and
found that I was dangerously �under.� He immediately went to
the cupboard above the bean spices and grabbed my sucro-gluactin tablets,
which we reserve for emergencies. Within moments of swallowing them, I was
feeling a little more stable, and my left eye stopped twitching. I also ate
five peanuts, as a precaution. Rod guided me to the bedroom, and I must
admit, I did keep my hand against the wall the whole way to ensure my
balance. He tucked me in, velcroed the blackout curtains, and set the white
noise machine to �waterfall,� my personal favorite and one that
I can only use when he�s not around (he says it brings back unhappy
memories of a different time).

I had just nestled into a blissful pre-sleep state when they started
playing the Fela Kuti again and dancing together. The whole house shook
with the weight of them, and it seemed to go on for hours. Through the
bedroom door I could hear Ray call Rod his �sister from another
mister,� and Rod moan something about ordering chicken marsala for
two (this was followed by what I can only deduce was a high-five). This
gave me the pique and I rolled over angrily, which made my left arm fall
asleep. As I was stretching it out and mentally composing a strongly-worded
email to Tana and Jimruth about their quality control, I drifted off into a
fitful resting-state and awoke two hours later to the sounds of silverware
clinking against plates in the dining room.

I�m going to start over with Soy You Think You Can Dance tomorrow,
when I can have Glacier Bee from The Yoga Chalet serve as Ray�s dance
partner. My chakras are just too out of alignment right now for me to
continue; I�ll attack the project with full prana after I find an
alternative alternative energy bar.

# ? Jul 15, 2022 09:03

hexwren: Feb 27, 2008

yeah, I've got the images. also with them are a few small pdfs. lemme see about a way to upload this stuff. it's like six megs.

e: I have never done google drive stuff, tell me if this is inaccessible: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1SjSeWLYbZQNAhXqIfrBPbJwG93mNWEwT?usp=sharing

at least I assume this is the right stuff? there's a little bit of overlap with what's been mentioned as already been had, but I am not an achewood expert

hexwren fucked around with this message at 09:27 on Jul 15, 2022

# ? Jul 15, 2022 09:18

Shaman Tank Spec: Dec 26, 2003; *blep*

MizuZero posted:

googling up the FARE THEE NOT WELL panel led me to this:

Trials of Honor Wiki - Cymulon Tenebron

who�s responsible?

I never got the sense that Trials of Honor was a fantasy series, it more seemed like a very dry historical thing set in the early modern period or something.

# ? Jul 15, 2022 10:27

Jerusalem: May 20, 2004; Would you be my new best friends?

xiw posted:

From Sep 2, 2010:

God, I miss Achewood so much.

# ? Jul 15, 2022 11:10

DACK FAYDEN: Feb 25, 2013; Bear Witness

Shaman Tank Spec posted:

I never got the sense that Trials of Honor was a fantasy series, it more seemed like a very dry historical thing set in the early modern period or something.

I agree with this, but I don't mind the Trials of Honor wiki having the joke that Ramza Beoulve is a character.

# ? Jul 15, 2022 11:37

Dunny: Jul 11, 2022; On that secret Taco Bell menu since small times

(Thanks for the Achewood collection, dude)

xiw posted:

I have the email updates for this from #71 through #300 or so and some random later ones - i should see what I can do to extract them. A lot o them are just images which are long gone but there are also reasonable chunks.

hexwren posted:

yeah, I've got the images. also with them are a few small pdfs. lemme see about a way to upload this stuff. it's like six megs.

e: I have never done google drive stuff, tell me if this is inaccessible: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1SjSeWLYbZQNAhXqIfrBPbJwG93mNWEwT?usp=sharing

at least I assume this is the right stuff? there's a little bit of overlap with what's been mentioned as already been had, but I am not an achewood expert

Oh my days. This is excellent and thankyou. I'll find the proper places (probably appropriate years' appendices) and get them into the books. I'll update the thread when done. Any texts from emails, any images. It all goes it if it's official (and some not so official, but segregated from the rest) it's in.

Thanks guys!

# ? Jul 15, 2022 11:44

Strange Cares: Nov 22, 2007

hexwren posted:

yeah, I've got the images. also with them are a few small pdfs. lemme see about a way to upload this stuff. it's like six megs.

e: I have never done google drive stuff, tell me if this is inaccessible: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1SjSeWLYbZQNAhXqIfrBPbJwG93mNWEwT?usp=sharing

at least I assume this is the right stuff? there's a little bit of overlap with what's been mentioned as already been had, but I am not an achewood expert

There is balm in Gilead

# ? Jul 15, 2022 13:13

ABen: Jul 11, 2008; Look - we need to have a stiff upper lip about this Black Death business.

Lmao that Chris could probably take those PDFs, send them to a printer, and basically just print money (or maybe not, Achewood has been functionally dead for about 8 years and I have no idea how well it would do).

Pay Dunny a solid fee for doing the actual work, and just get it done. I guess he could make an artisanal soda to pair it with, if he felt like he needed to contribute.

# ? Jul 15, 2022 16:02

Sweaty IT Nerd: Jul 13, 2007

Oh wow a Fela Kuti reference

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHtDr5gZNfw

# ? Jul 15, 2022 17:54

Halloween Jack: Sep 12, 2003; I WILL CUT OFF BOTH OF MY ARMS BEFORE I VOTE FOR ANYONE THAT IS MORE POPULAR THAN BERNIE!!!!!

Pat, Who is an rear end in a top hat posted:

He made a silly grin and �comedy farted.� God, the omnivorous. How they can summon such things up on demand. How we suffer them.

This, from a vegan with a cabinet full of "bean spices?"

# ? Jul 15, 2022 18:09

withak: Jan 15, 2003; Fun Shoe

I�m pretty sure that Pat�s reasoning for having a Fela Kuti album applies 100% to every Fela Kuti album sold in America.

# ? Jul 15, 2022 18:11

Halloween Jack: Sep 12, 2003; I WILL CUT OFF BOTH OF MY ARMS BEFORE I VOTE FOR ANYONE THAT IS MORE POPULAR THAN BERNIE!!!!!

Shaman Tank Spec posted:

I never got the sense that Trials of Honor was a fantasy series, it more seemed like a very dry historical thing set in the early modern period or something.

Same here, but I appreciate the extended lampoon on GoT.

# ? Jul 15, 2022 18:21

palamedes: Mar 9, 2008

ABen posted:

Lmao that Chris could probably take those PDFs, send them to a printer, and basically just print money (or maybe not, Achewood has been functionally dead for about 8 years and I have no idea how well it would do).

Pay Dunny a solid fee for doing the actual work, and just get it done. I guess he could make an artisanal soda to pair it with, if he felt like he needed to contribute.

dunno, the current Oni Press mess could make it more complicated than that. i've seen tweets/rumors that their standard contract automatically renews publication rights every 5 years or so unless the author revokes in writing a few months before renewal. add that to the rumors that Oni is turning from a for-real publisher to an IP rentier. but it's probably fine, Onstad is probably totally on top of the laborious bureaucracy involved

# ? Jul 15, 2022 18:23

theironjef: Aug 11, 2009; The archmage of unexpected stinks.

Pat sucks, so one thing I'm always wondering when I read his blogs is if he's actually good at swing dancing or if it's all in his weird delusional head. Also I guess in this case he hosed around and found out about Tim Simmons, the dude that has no mercy.

# ? Jul 15, 2022 18:24

palamedes: Mar 9, 2008

theironjef posted:

Pat sucks, so one thing I'm always wondering when I read his blogs is if he's actually good at swing dancing or if it's all in his weird delusional head. Also I guess in this case he hosed around and found out about Tim Simmons, the dude that has no mercy.

you'd stop wondering if you ever bothered to try some of his swing-themed Eco-Friendly Bestitutes. like Waxless Zout Suit Riot. or Daddy-Poppin' Cherries.

# ? Jul 15, 2022 18:29

Nessus: Dec 22, 2003; After a Speaker vote, you may be entitled to a valuable coupon or voucher!

theironjef posted:

Pat sucks, so one thing I'm always wondering when I read his blogs is if he's actually good at swing dancing or if it's all in his weird delusional head. Also I guess in this case he hosed around and found out about Tim Simmons, the dude that has no mercy.

Pat appears to be legitimately capable as a person and is maintaining a meaningful relationship with a gay pornography star, who presumably could have his choice of men. He is competently supportive during the situation with Ray's Magritte dog.

Pat is not a waste of a human being. He is just...

An rear end in a top hat.

# ? Jul 15, 2022 18:30

Deathlove: Feb 20, 2003; Pillbug

palamedes posted:

you'd stop wondering if you ever bothered to try some of his swing-themed Eco-Friendly Bestitutes. like Waxless Zout Suit Riot. or Daddy-Poppin' Cherries.

Daddy-Poppin' Cherries is my favorite Rod Huggins film.

# ? Jul 15, 2022 19:38

The Voice of Labor: Apr 8, 2020

Nessus posted:

Pat appears to be legitimately capable as a person

like that time his dad came out as gay and pat moved him to a different town

# ? Jul 15, 2022 20:04

KICK BAMA KICK: Mar 2, 2009

His folk rock has been praised as "highly melodic" and "HELLA emotional".

# ? Jul 15, 2022 20:24

Zefiel: Sep 14, 2007; You can do whatever you want in life.

Pat built a craft that was capable of taking Beef all the way to the moon

# ? Jul 15, 2022 20:25

Phy: Jun 27, 2008; Fun Shoe

Shaman Tank Spec posted:

I never got the sense that Trials of Honor was a fantasy series, it more seemed like a very dry historical thing set in the early modern period or something.

KQED is a real PBS station, so the falcon thing must be the publically funded version of how every Saturday morning cartoon opening had as many animation frames as the rest of the entire episode

E: Trials of Honour almost certainly did the Legend of Galactic Heroes thing where the best episodes are just 30 minute Wikipedia dives about the histories of the nations involved

Phy fucked around with this message at 20:49 on Jul 15, 2022

# ? Jul 15, 2022 20:37

Schwarzwald: Jul 27, 2004; Don't Blink

Phy posted:

KQED is a real PBS station, so the falcon thing must be the publically funded version of how every Saturday morning cartoon opening had as many animation frames as the rest of the entire episode

Every PBS original show had an opening that was ten times more interesting than the rest of it.

# ? Jul 15, 2022 20:48

drrockso20: May 6, 2013; Has Not Actually Done Cocaine

Nessus posted:

Pat appears to be legitimately capable as a person and is maintaining a meaningful relationship with a gay pornography star, who presumably could have his choice of men. He is competently supportive during the situation with Ray's Magritte dog.

Pat is not a waste of a human being. He is just...

An rear end in a top hat.

Yeah he's probably only an rear end in a top hat like 60 to 75% of the time at the most(otherwise I imagine even Roast Beef and Ray would have given up on him by now) we just mostly only see his rear end in a top hat moments because that's where the funny is

# ? Jul 15, 2022 21:02

theironjef: Aug 11, 2009; The archmage of unexpected stinks.

Everyone knows that on Pat's regular days he tries to figure out how to protest a balloon store then ends up renting gay porno in halting German.

# ? Jul 15, 2022 22:58

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

As someone who has gotten way too involved with Health Products lately, I appreciate Pat's Soothies being described as "nutrio-negative"

# ? Jul 16, 2022 00:18

Zereth: Jul 9, 2003

Nessus posted:

Pat appears to be legitimately capable as a person and is maintaining a meaningful relationship with a gay pornography star, who presumably could have his choice of men. He is competently supportive during the situation with Ray's Magritte dog.

Pat is not a waste of a human being. He is just...

An rear end in a top hat.

Yeah, he's definitely not a waste of a human being.

He's a cat. :haw:

# ? Jul 16, 2022 01:58

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# ? Jun 10, 2024 00:18

Android Blues: Nov 22, 2008

theironjef posted:

Pat sucks, so one thing I'm always wondering when I read his blogs is if he's actually good at swing dancing or if it's all in his weird delusional head. Also I guess in this case he hosed around and found out about Tim Simmons, the dude that has no mercy.

I think it's funnier if he's actually good. Ray clearly respects his moves despite them being tonally offensive.

# ? Jul 16, 2022 02:53

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > BSS: Bisexual Super Son > Achewood Thread 12: Hey, Look! We're Back! What Happened?!

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