Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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marathon Stairmaster sesh: Apr 28, 2009; ALL HAIL CEO NUGGET
1988-PRESENT

*First confessor's wish is granted as a monkey's paw finger curls in the frame*

# ? Oct 12, 2018 22:10

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# ? Jun 7, 2024 20:38

MarcusSA: Sep 23, 2007

loquacius posted:

I think at this point you've done a lot of the due-diligence you have to do before you hit your threshold honestly

Do you know what your kids think about her? That's an important piece which seems to have been left out.

Yeah man you have done all you can.

Don't let your self live like that anymore. Its not easy but you'll be happier in the long run if she is unwilling to change.

# ? Oct 13, 2018 03:19

thoughts and prayers: Apr 22, 2013; Love heals all wounds. We hope you continually carry love in your heart. Today and always, may loving memories bring you peace, comfort, and strength. We sympathize with the family of (Name). We shall never forget you in our prayers and thoughts. I am at a loss for words during this sorrowful time.

MarcusSA posted:

Yeah man you have done all you can.

Don't let your self live like that anymore. Its not easy but you'll be happier in the long run if she is unwilling to change.

She's already decided her fate, all she needs is for you to be the one to leave so she can say 'SEE I KNEW YOU NEVER LOVED ME I FEEL SO ABANDONED'

and make you take 100% of the blame for the whole thing

Just brace for that, and you'll be fine

# ? Oct 13, 2018 17:35

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

thoughts and prayers posted:

She's already decided her fate, all she needs is for you to be the one to leave so she can say 'SEE I KNEW YOU NEVER LOVED ME I FEEL SO ABANDONED'

and make you take 100% of the blame for the whole thing

Just brace for that, and you'll be fine

Yup. This. Talk to your kids, talk to a lawyer, then move on. Divorced in shape older guys are in high demand as well. Your life will be a lot better.

# ? Oct 13, 2018 18:13

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

thoughts and prayers posted:

She's already decided her fate, all she needs is for you to be the one to leave so she can say 'SEE I KNEW YOU NEVER LOVED ME I FEEL SO ABANDONED'

and make you take 100% of the blame for the whole thing

Just brace for that, and you'll be fine

�Are you having an affair?�
�No, but I will unless you sort yourself out� :colbert:

# ? Oct 13, 2018 22:58

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

therattle posted:

�Are you having an affair?�
�No, but I will unless you sort yourself out�

Fat wife goon needs to cheat on her asap. Unless that would hurt his chances at child custody later on. Then, don't do that!

# ? Oct 15, 2018 21:36

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008; Can't post for 28 minutes!

Skipping a long faux-supervillain monologue about trolling subreddits for rape/abuse survivors, although it did contain the sentence "I identify strongly w/ JD" like JD from Scrubs which I thought was pretty funny

quote:

I've co-opted the "me too" movement to sleep with a bunch of twenty somethings and I regret nothing.

Basically, my company hosts a lot of interns. There are two very well ranked CS schools nearby which operate on the quarter system, so interns come throughout the year, not just in the summer.

I've gotten it down to a system WRT to loving their hot co-ed friends.

A lot of them can be a weird combination of flirty and needy, so I pick the one who seems the best combination of hot and low-self-esteem, and make an effort to be nice to that once. I also lead social events for the interns - trips to ball games, the zoo, happy hours, etc.

Sometimes, stuff happens. I've been good about redirecting employees who make the interns uncomfortable, and encouraged interns who have weird incidents to go to HR. This has caused abit of a whisper networtk that I'm an "ally".

Well, anyways, every crop of interns I pick one to bond more with. I hint that I'm going through a rough patch, depressed, etc. I let them develop a crush, but keep clear boundaries. Inevitably they come to me at the end of internship bar crawl/party and flirt heavily, and I usually tell them something along the lines of "I don't want to blur work and romance, and besides I'm not really looking for a relationship,,.

And basically, I get them to be my wingman and find me someone to hook up with... Every. Single. Quarter.

I dunno... is... respecting women, listening to their problems, coaching them on their careers, and standing up for their right to not be harassed pick up artistry? I'll admit I probably don't mentor the young men as much... maybe I'm also generating some jealous incels? Maybe I'm chad?

Anyways I admit this post is a bit of a humblebrag, but honestly it's just awesome. I've cultivated this "weird old guy who likes weed and shows at the elbo room" persona and it's really paying dividends. I didn't gently caress much in hs/college or even grad school but now I'm hooking up with solid 8s/9s on a semiweekly basis.

Thanks feminism!

The above one isn't real (I edited it slightly to remove a "calling card" I've seen before) but honestly for this to really qualify as puppetmaster manipulation I'd have to know how he gets them to steer him at their hot friends, because in the baseline case this is just, y'know, getting work acquaintances to wingman for you which plenty of people do :shrug:

Am I not thinking of this correctly? Steer me right if I'm wrong.

quote:

I somehow didn't see island goon's fesh. I hope someone will post that link.

I have to admit, sometimes on my bad days, I think about taking a plane to Norway and shooting some nazis or waiting for some bully to start a barfight and slicing his throat. After all, apparently all they'd do is give me a 1BR apartment and a playstation. I'm a simple guy, I can live with a PS2.

I don't want to go into detail but my life shouldn't be as lovely as it is and I'm tired of having Lucy yank the football away. Sometimes I feel like that might be the only chance I have at a stress free life. I know it's hosed up, but that's why it's a confession

PS: I'm not an incel, my issues are professional. Thanks to all the ladies of Tinder who bought that my apartment is "messy" and not "in my parent's basement"

Honestly, our country kind of loving sucks for a lot of people in this same way, but I assure you you have other options than getting yourself into a foreign penal colony. Try going back to school if necessary -- you're already living with your parents, after all, so it's possibly doable even if only in a community-college setting. And as usual do your best to find meaning in other parts of life -- get a hobby, hang out with friends more often, stay on Tinder.

# ? Oct 15, 2018 22:00

Poldarn: Feb 18, 2011

I like how the Me Too co-opter fesh boils down to a sweet plan for getting laid once every three months.

# ? Oct 16, 2018 01:03

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

Also anyone over the age of 30 with a working dick shouldn�t feel accomplished for banging twenty somethings, it�s like the entire point of surviving your 20�s as a male

# ? Oct 16, 2018 01:35

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

I'm pretty sure Norway would just deport you.

also don't murder norwegians, most of them are cool.

# ? Oct 16, 2018 01:54

My Linux Rig: Mar 27, 2010; Can't post for 6 years!

loquacius posted:

Sorry to break this to you but "the support of your friends" is kind of understating the kind of poo poo Kav had going for him

That said, though, if you're not currently gunning for a seat on the Supreme Court it won't take that much so congrats on getting away with sexual assault I guess

lol anonymous tech support

Dude just make a burner Reddit account and ask on r/chromecast or something

Feminist liberals are the real rapists!!! *anonymously admits to raping a woman and pushing a handicap kid down the stairs* This liberal forum has made me so lonely :saddowns:

Looks like my dislike for chuds is completely reasonable.

# ? Oct 16, 2018 03:05

soy: Jul 7, 2003; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

My Linux Rig posted:

Looks like my dislike for chuds is completely reasonable.

Your casual dehumanization is showing!!

# ? Oct 16, 2018 06:40

Gibbon: Feb 22, 2004; chang chang!

There's lots of remote places that are desperate for people to go live there, you don't have to commit a crime to do it and they aren't entirely inhabited by pedophiles. You can just move there and work in a shop or something...

# ? Oct 16, 2018 06:48

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

Gibbon posted:

There's lots of remote places that are desperate for people to go live there, you don't have to commit a crime to do it and they aren't entirely inhabited by pedophiles. You can just move there and work in a shop or something...

He could move to the Pitcairn Islands. Pretty much everyone is a sex offender, but not necessarily a pedo.
Just think how high falutin' he'd be. "I ain't no sex criminal"!!

The Bitches would flock to him.

# ? Oct 16, 2018 11:33

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Can't post for 21 hours!

Gibbon posted:

There's lots of remote places that are desperate for people to go live there, you don't have to commit a crime to do it and they aren't entirely inhabited by pedophiles. You can just move there and work in a shop or something...

Generally there's a reason these places are desperate for people to live there.

# ? Oct 16, 2018 11:51

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

wesleywillis posted:

He could move to the Pitcairn Islands. Pretty much everyone is a sex offender, but not necessarily a pedo.
Just think how high falutin' he'd be. "I ain't no sex criminal"!!

The Bitches would flock to him.

The bitches are also sex offenders

# ? Oct 16, 2018 12:09

Drunken Baker: Feb 3, 2015; VODKA STYLE DRINK

Check out Dennis Reynolds there! With his master plan of "making friends" to meet people.

loquacius posted:

The above one isn't real .

Intentionally ignoring this so I can make Always Sunny jokes.

# ? Oct 16, 2018 12:46

Gibbon: Feb 22, 2004; chang chang!

Ghost Leviathan posted:

Generally there's a reason these places are desperate for people to live there.

haha yeah of course, I wouldn't want to live there - but there's also a few reasons people don't want to live on pedophile island

# ? Oct 16, 2018 13:09

TheJetCityFix: Feb 3, 2004; Errday I'm Russellin'

Holy poo poo 486 pages down!

Confession: I haven�t worked in the three weeks since finding this thread 😂

# ? Oct 18, 2018 19:38

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008; Can't post for 28 minutes!

poo poo I should probably post some goddamn content then :shobon:

Followup from the guy who was very obviously about to make an extremely correct decision w/r/t his hot young drama-queen coworker

quote:

I hosed up. Sorry if this is long and rambling but I just need to say it to someone.

In my first confession, I talked about the new young hot office manager at the very small company that I work for and how there might be some chemistry between the two of us. Me, being a typical married middle aged guy, was really flattered by the attention that I thought I was getting from this girl. It was hard to figure out whether or not she was flirting with me, or if it was just how she naturally acts with everyone. I've be married for over 20 years, so I'm really rusty on how to pickup on cues that look like attraction vs. a coworker that's just being nice to me. Also, she's dating a guy who's a few years older than I am, which made me both relieved and sort of pissed at the same time. Here I was, every bit the same as this other guy she was seeing, and I get nothing. Which is stupid, since I'm married and the hot office girl knows that so she probably would never make any moves based on that.

Also, as mentioned in the previous confession, she lost her license for a few months due to a couple of duis that finally caught up with her. So I've been driving her off and on to and from work and stuff. This gave us a lot of time outside of work to just talk. As luck would have it, we're really similar in our sense of humor and we have great conversations where I'm just parked outside her place for a few minutes and we're still talking. This was about middle of last week when I noticed this. One time, her bf came out of the house to watch us. She's been really hesitant to introduce me to him. I found out why a little later.

Friday rolled around, and I had a lunch meeting with a vendor that fell through. Since we both work for a very eclectic and profitable small company we get to leave at noon on Fridays. We also live close to the coast in California, so the beach is only a 20 minute drive from work and home. My lunch meeting fell through, and I was already giving the office girl a ride home. On impulse, I mentioned that I wanted to check out this easy hiking trail over at the coast, and invited her to come if she didn't have anything else to do. Even as I was saying it, there was a little voice of common sense in the back of my mind telling me to stop. Naturally, she thought it was a great idea and we headed over to the coast.

We get to the coast and get out of the car at the trail head, and there's still a layer of fog that's kept the temperature chilly. Out of habit, I grabbed my hoodie from the trunk and gave it to her so she wouldn't be cold. It was something I always did for my wife, but she doesn't really like doing outdoor stuff anymore. Office girl put it on and said it, "smelled like me" and "made her feel safe". That little voice in the back of my head was screaming to stop, but there was another part of me that was pushing on like this was some kind of inevitable thing.

Out on the hike, the sun finally shows and she's wrapped my hoodie around her waist. We're talking about work, and our relationships, but mostly belly aching about our SO's and stuff. Her guy is kind of a loser and is already mooching off her for money and it sounds like he treats her bad. I mentioned that my wife doesn't like to hike anymore and office girl, out of nowhere, says that I "deserve better". I stopped and turned to her and said the same to her. We stood there looking at each other for a couple of seconds, and then she moved in to kiss me. I can't remember what happened for the first couple of seconds, I might have blacked out. But, the next thing I remember was that I was hover handing her torso while we she was trying to stick her tongue down my throat. She took my hands and put them on her hips, and we just kept kissing. I stopped once out of guilt, and told her that we had to stop and that I was married. She said something like, "It's already done, so why stop now?" and we started kissing again. I can't lie, it was loving awesome! Like I said before, she's hot and we get along really well together. We finish the hike, but now we're both holding hands like a couple of loving teenagers and I can't stop smiling. I don't know what the gently caress happened.

I dropped her of at her house, and her bf was standing out in the front yard wearing a wife beater and swim trunks. She mentioned something about how he's always dressed like that and she hates it. When she got out of the car, she almost leaned over to kiss me I guess just out of instinct and I had to stop her since her bf could clearly see the both of us.

So, that's where we left off for now. I've been sending texts to her occasionally over the weekend, and she wants to break up with her boyfriend now because he's a deadbeat. I told her that I don't want to rush things, mainly because I'm almost certain that my marriage is now circling the drain and I need to figure all that out. She just wants to keep it casual, and she said that she doesn't want to breakup my family. She mainly wants to breakup with her bf so we can have a place to "get to know each other better" in her words. I don't know if I can go through with that. I figure my marriage is already hosed, and why not jump all the way in since I'm here already. I know, some of the goons said that this was a daddy issues thing on her part. It probably is. All at the same time I feel really happy, disgusted with myself and also on edge and anxious about everything.

Also, since I work with her full time and we're usually the only people at the company there's likely to be stuff happening at work as well. I guess I'll have a better perspective on Monday.

tl:dr; stupidly invited hot office girl on a hike and ended up making out with her. I regret everything and nothing at the same time.

Y'know what

Divorce your wife because you're obviously desperate to (not because of office girl but because you're unhappy), and once that's done, go ahead and have an office fling. Why not? It's probably terrible advice, but work is pissing me off today and at this point my gently caress-it meter is just as full as yours.

quote:

Wait... a confessor said both that they're some weird twisted edgelord... and they identify with JD? Are you sure you read it right?

Please post that because I think it's unintentional edgelord gold

That could have been a post in the thread honestly

Alright, at least one person asked for it, so, here's the edgelord troll fesh

quote:

I'm a sadist.

It's taken a while to acknowledge it, but I know it to be true now.

One of my favorite activities is trolling. I've perfected it to an art form. For example, I was able to gain access to /r/rapeprivate through one of my many burner accounts. (I have a cache of accounts that I make milquetoast comments with on askreddit + random city subs so they look normal)

I started PMing with some of the women, getting them to share details. Explicit details - rape, incest, beatings, the works. Then I PMed each of them and told them I'd JOed to their stories, and picked them apart piece by piece. (Ex: one posted in a "Sugar baby" sub - I told her it wasn't rape, just shoplifting. Another posted in a sub for escorts to exchange safety tips. I trolled her and told her I loved that FOSTA made it so I can find hookers who can't vet me, and that I read the forum to make selecting my victims easier. She believed it, the dummy!)

Someone reported me, but I was careful that my messages didn't curse or threaten violence. I actually got 2 different rape "victims" who told me to kill myself permanently suspended from Reddit.

They're closing the "safe space" now due to trolls... well, one troll.

Now that the account is "burned" I've been having fun being just blatantly lovely to as many people as possible, but after 3 days running roughshod over reddit, not a peep from the admins.

I wish it didn't have to be this way, but things haven't been going well for me lately. I live by White Rose's mantra: Your success will always follow mine.

I truly believe that if I have a bad day, I'm not able to utilize time effectively. Luckilytrolling is asymmetrical - I can troll 10 people so bad they need to take a xanax and reteat to their hugbox in the time it takes to watch an episode of "Scrubs" on Hulu. (I identify strongly w/ JD).

It sucks it has to be this way but if I can give 10 "victims" panic attacks that makes up for my lack of productivity on a bad day.

So be kind goons. You never know who you're pissing off.

PS: Good luck tracing this I used 7 proxies

It's probably a trollpost about trollposts but the Scrubs line was pretty funny yeah

Oh, and because it's short, here's a followup to the Norwegian-penal-colony saga:

quote:

please tell "Yeah I eat rear end" that the Norgays couldn't deport me - it's illegal under EU law to extradite someone who would face the death penalty. LOL OWNED. TIME FOR SOME SPYRO!

so you're doubling down on the whole committing-a-horrible-atrocity-to-play-ps2-on-a-Scandinavian-island thing, specifying that it'd be a death-penalty-qualifying offense

You know you can probably just move to a Scandinavian island and bring a ps2 with you, right? Don't even have to commit any unforgivable crimes against God and man that way.

# ? Oct 18, 2018 20:00

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

I honestly can't think of any downsides of starting an office romance while still married.

# ? Oct 18, 2018 20:07

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008; Can't post for 28 minutes!

Solice Kirsk posted:

I honestly can't think of any downsides of starting an office romance while still married.

Yeah there is absolutely a proper order to these things which I emphasized in my post, and you must maintain to everyone involved that the two data-points of divorce and office romance are in no way related to each other, and if you can pull that off this whole clusterfuck will stay constant at 75% complete-catastrophe instead of 100%

# ? Oct 18, 2018 20:10

Burning_Monk: Jan 11, 2005; Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to know

Ask your wife for a threesome and just forget to invite her.

# ? Oct 18, 2018 20:11

DogsInSpace!: Sep 11, 2001; Fun Shoe

Solice Kirsk posted:

I honestly can't think of any downsides of starting an office romance while still married.

I can�t either and he should never wear a condom as those things are for sailors and prostitutes... and this is could be the romance you have always sought. Fo reals yo. Confessor, be sure to let us know what city you are in so we Goons can enjoy the upcoming wedding announcement. Everything will go super great I am sure.

I truly hope this fesh is real.

# ? Oct 18, 2018 20:19

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Show up to work in board shorts and a wife beater. It'll be funny.

# ? Oct 18, 2018 20:29

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Good luck office romance goon

I don't think it's real because the guy has given very little information about his wife. You'd think there'd be a moment where he'd acknowledge his feelings about his wife or how she might be affected by all this but she's kind of an afterthought. Regardless of the guy's opinion of his wife, there ought to be *something.* Also supposedly her bf is a carbon copy of the fessor but also a wifebeater-wearing deadbeat? Come on now.

# ? Oct 18, 2018 20:50

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

At this burn rate, office romance goon will be living out of his car by the end of the month.

# ? Oct 18, 2018 21:05

Modus Pwnens: Dec 29, 2004

Von_Doom posted:

I can’t either and he should never wear a condom

Hell yeah, why even bother if you're not even going to feel it?

# ? Oct 18, 2018 21:14

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

Modus Pwnens posted:

Hell yeah, why even bother if you're not even going to feel it?

Bets on he goes raw dog in the office girl, and he ends up giving his wife vd.

# ? Oct 18, 2018 21:41

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Rad-daddio posted:

Bets on he goes raw dog in the office girl, and he ends up giving his wife vd.

I'm gonna guess he'll get rear end herpes on his mouth or something.

# ? Oct 18, 2018 22:17

DogsInSpace!: Sep 11, 2001; Fun Shoe

Rad-daddio posted:

Bets on he goes raw dog in the office girl, and he ends up giving his wife vd.

How dare you! This girl is just misunderstood and with the Wrong Guy. If she got with a better guy, a guy who she is meant for, all will be well. Our Confessor will also be so much happier without that dead weight ex. She�s like a millstone around his neck!
shhhhh - don�t ruin this

# ? Oct 18, 2018 22:18

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

Rad-daddio posted:

Bets on he goes raw dog in the office girl, and he ends up giving his wife vd.

I call, knocks her up, and she threatens to send pics/evidence of future bastard child to his wife unless he pays for abortion or just flat out leaves her.

:f5:

This could be the best serial we've had since therapy goon.

# ? Oct 18, 2018 22:23

Kosmo Gallion: Sep 13, 2013

Norway isn't a member of the EU

# ? Oct 19, 2018 11:18

TheJetCityFix: Feb 3, 2004; Errday I'm Russellin'

fesh plot twist: He steals office girl's wifebeater and boardshorts boyfriend.

# ? Oct 19, 2018 15:49

Fintilgin: Sep 29, 2004; Fintilgin sweeps!

Breitbart Is Rightbart posted:

Norway isn't a member of the EU

NOW you tell me.

# ? Oct 19, 2018 16:12

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

Honestly, I think living at some remote island in Norway and working some menial job to get by just so I could play Gran Tourismo from 13 years ago sounds pretty cool.

It would be like My Summer Car, but more chill and good.

# ? Oct 19, 2018 16:18

sugar free jazz: Mar 5, 2008

I told you that cutting your dick off was the right move confessor. Now you may be thinking �wow it�s too late all is lost� but you would be wrong! There�s still time to chop it off and save your marriage!

# ? Oct 19, 2018 17:22

discarded box: Oct 15, 2008

i dont get why so many people think virgins with a huge complex and mental issues over being a virgin loving a hooker is such a bad idea. it worked for me, and i think $200 for removing this aura of desperation and thirstiness was a steal. im even married now!

fuckin a hooker crystalizes this abstract concept youve built up in your head to the point of fantasy and will make you realize a whole lot about sex and how its really not as big a deal as you think it is. also i probably wouldnt go around saying hookers arent real girls, this will not help you

discarded box fucked around with this message at 19:29 on Oct 19, 2018

# ? Oct 19, 2018 19:25

DogsInSpace!: Sep 11, 2001; Fun Shoe

TheJetCityFix posted:

fesh plot twist: He steals office girl's wifebeater and boardshorts boyfriend.

Now that�s a fesh I can get behind! :getin:

# ? Oct 19, 2018 19:41

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# ? Jun 7, 2024 20:38

Kamikaze Raider: Sep 28, 2001

discarded box posted:

i dont get why so many people think virgins with a huge complex and mental issues over being a virgin loving a hooker is such a bad idea. it worked for me, and i think $200 for removing this aura of desperation and thirstiness was a steal. im even married now!

fuckin a hooker crystalizes this abstract concept youve built up in your head to the point of fantasy and will make you realize a whole lot about sex and how its really not as big a deal as you think it is. also i probably wouldnt go around saying hookers arent real girls, this will not help you

Because, much like basing your sexual expectations on nothing but a steady diet of pornography, thinking sex with a sex worker is entirely analogous to doing it with someone who isn't a professional is a bad idea.

# ? Oct 19, 2018 20:23

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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