loquacius posted:

Yeah, if you approach this from a creative-writing perspective that was undeniably a foreshadowing device known as "Chekhov's strapon"

sneakyfrog posted:

when you get stabbed by your soon to be ex wife, I will laugh at you dorky mcdickdipper

Nocheez posted:

https://forums.somethingawful.com/dictionary.php?act=3&topicid=1639

edit: wasn't a fesh, was a series of threads in GBS.

wesleywillis posted:

That strap on is for her to gently caress your wife.

wesleywillis posted:

That strap on is for her to gently caress your wife.

DeadMansSuspenders posted:

Dude you were supposed to finish the story anonymously not spoil the ending!

quote:

so a few months back I became a local hero on accident and it's ruined my terrible lifestyle and I hate it

To set the scene for you guys: I live in a tiny bumfuck nowhere town. I won't specify where exactly because I have no clue if anyone here has an account and I don't want them to read any of this poo poo. Suffice to say though, not a lot of people here. My family is local nobility, my dad's rich as hell and keeps talking about how he's gonna run for state senate but then not running because obama or some loving excuse, mostly actually because he's gotten lazy and fat and hasn't done any actual work in 20 years. I also am lazy and fat and haven't done any work in 20 years, and I'm only in my 20s. I'm the disappointing member of the family, I live by myself in my dead aunt's house who left it to me because she thought I needed the help. I flunked out of state college and do lovely manual work at an extremely low degree of actual usefulness. Pretty sure my dad pays my boss not to fire me purely so that he can say that his son has a job. Anyway I'm a loving recluse, I don't go out and my house is a loving hoarder hole because I take out 2 weeks worth of garbage every 3 weeks. This is all fine, I liked it this way, I'm a social outcast and living in a garbage shack with rock bottom expectations is what suited me best.

but I hosed it up and I accidentally did a good thing. Few months ago I get home work and get drunk, as I do. I steady drink for like 6 hours and then go to sleep at around midnight. around 4am I am woken up by a loving godawful shouting match going outside. Just 2 people loving hollering at each other. I am loving absolutely furious because I'm tired as hell and kinda drunk still, so I decide to go out and shut them up. I put on my pants and I stomp out the front door. While I'm doing this the 2 people yelling become 1 person yelling and 1 person screaming, which I don't notice at the time. So I lumber outside and I find the girl who lives next to me out on her lawn in her jammies and her ex-boyfriend standing out at his truck in the road, and he's yelling at her and she's screaming. I figure it's the guy's fault and he doesn't live here so I start walking up to him, yelling at him to shut up and gently caress off. I'm wearing my work pants so I actually have a wrench on me and I grab that in order to make the message more clear, and I'm a huge loving dude so I figure that should be enough to make him go. To my surprise he, despite being about 200 pounds lighter than me, doesn't seem to be bothered by this, and he starting yelling at me that I should gently caress off. At this point I get absolutely gently caress-rear end mad and club him with the wrench. He drops like a sack of potatoes, silence falls, and I go back into my house. I call the cops, tell em a guy has been clubbed. I call my dad, tell him that I hosed up. Then I go to sleep, because my uncle's a judge and I figure that unless the guy died he and dad will smooth things over and the guy looked like he was at least still twitching so things are probably good.

That's my genuine honest account of the night from my perspective. The video footage taken by the cellphones of like 4 or 5 other people on that street and shown to the police show something else. They show a crazy rear end ex-boyfriend that the girl had dated at a university in California ranting at her on her lawn in the middle of the night after driving for like 3 days to get here. Then when she comes outside to get him to leave and tells him that no, she's not getting back with his crazy rear end, he pulls a loving gun on her and starts shouting threatens and waving it around. Then, I come out, confront the guy. He points the gun at me and I don't even miss a step in walking up to club him in the head. Then I just turn around and go back inside.

i didn't even loving see it. A guy literally pointed a gun at my face from like 5 feet away and I didn't loving notice. And he expected it to stop me in my tracks to the point where, when I totally ignored it, he was so surprised that he forgot to shoot. Now everyone thinks I'm loving jesus when the truth is my loving caveman ape-brain was so soaked in booze and sleep-deprived that I forgot what guns are. Now everyone's trying to help me, and I hate it. Now it's not all bad, I get cut more slack for being a loving loser but the general populace and that old bitch 2 doors down has stopped leaving those passive aggressive letters on my porch threatening to have me fined if I don't cut my grass, but now my family have loving renewed expectations of me, dad wants me to go to rehab and dry out and go back to college, uncle's trying to get me to get in shape and become a cop or something I don't know, my loving sister started talking to me again even though I was perfectly loving happy when she decided to cut contact with me for being depressing. gently caress, it was all fine.

that's not the worst part though. the worst part is the girl. I made the biggest loving mistake ever: I hosed her. god I'm loving stupid. I'm 350 pound and pig ugly so ever since it became clear that I wasn't gonna be a conduit to dad's money(which was when I was like 19) I haven't had any female attention I hadn't paid for and I hadn't had the cash to pay for it in a while. the girl started coming around and knocking on my door and wanting to talk to me and thank me a few days after and cause I was still dumbfounded at what I'd actually loving done I mostly just sat there and listened to her instead of being my usual self and I guess I came off as being quiet and attentive or some poo poo and then eventually she said I should come over to her place and we hosed. And then I learn that she was a virgin before and the reason she dumped the guy was because she wanted to save it for the man she was gonna marry and he was real pushy about it, and apparently me saving her was like a sign from god or something. Now she's always coming over and trying to clean up my house and get me to lose weight and go out and do stuff. Normally I'd just blow people off like I did with my parents but the girl went through a lot and I'm not enough of a shitheel to do that to her so at this point mostly I'm just going along with what she says but I miss my loving lifestyle and the no expectations. My family's pushing on me but it's worse with her. Now I feel like I trapped the poor girl and then she trapped me also. my mom has started asking me when I'm gonna marry this girl too. I just wish things would go back to the way they were and I wouldn't have to deal with this.

quote:

The "Assange is a serial killer" theory gains steam, as A Hacker Named Matt Blaze dog whistles to the theory:

https://twitter.com/mattblaze/status/1063500798238314497

We should all recall that Assange's "Madsen-before-murder"esque vibing OKCupid profile featured two things: a love of all things Russian, and noted love for "slicing brains". Who writes that on a dating profile? I believe that the early days of social media were telling, as people didn't fully grasp what could be inferred. They didn't have their guard up and "jokes" can reveal a lot.

Think: What could the Russians have on Assange that would make him abandon his chaotic good "leak all the things" path to only target the USA? They can't charge an Australian with treason, since 5 Eyes remains a criminal conspiracy, not a formal nation yet.

They have something on him. Something in America. Something bad.

When someone reveals their true self to you: believe them. Take yes for an answer.

sugar free jazz posted:

CUT OFF YOUR DICK

sugar free jazz posted:

lottery goon cut off your dick

sugar free jazz posted:

my advice? cut off your dick, that's a good ice breaker with the ladies they'll wanna know what happened then you're in works every time

sugar free jazz posted:

Goon with overly friendly husband, cut off your dick

sugar free jazz posted:

Be an adult and talk to her about it in an honest, open manner. Be appreciative of her planning, but be honest. Emotional vulnerability is hard but you can do it. also, you could try cutting off your dick n balls?

sugar free jazz posted:

Jnco goon try cutting your dick off to make room in there

sugar free jazz posted:

they should just cut their dicks off imo

sugar free jazz posted:

let her cut off your dick it’s the only answer here

sugar free jazz posted:

Re: cutting own dick off confessor

sugar free jazz posted:

no, definitely chop your dick off too

sugar free jazz posted:

depressed goonette: as you do not have a dick of your own to cut off I have no advice for you, and I am sorry

sugar free jazz posted:

cut your dick off and your sex problems fix themselves

sugar free jazz posted:

if you cut off your dick a: your fiancée won’t want to marry you anymore (intimidated) and b: the side chick will no longer be interested (intimidated) so it solves all your problems

sugar free jazz posted:

if you cut off your dick your first lover will not laugh at you, I guarantee it 100%

sugar free jazz posted:

hey yeah, sorry, your dick my dude it seems to be causing you some really intense Doing Rape problems, so simplest + easiest solution? just chop that sucker right on off

sugar free jazz posted:

Sex addict goon: just cut your dick off man, problems solved ezpz.

sugar free jazz posted:

Couch goon: for a wild new kink, try cutting off your dick. It’s varsity level stuff but you might be able to handle it. Good luck, have fun, and as always be safe!

sugar free jazz posted:

porn goon cut off your dick, videotape it and save it in 4K, 60fps+ for future nostalgia tours

sugar free jazz posted:

the best drug is endorphins from responsibly cutting off your own dick, try it it’s a great high and completely safe/natural

sugar free jazz posted:

Cut off your dick and your rear end bleeding won’t be that big of a problem anymore

sugar free jazz posted:

Overweight goon, try cutting your dick off. do it at the wedding, make it look like an accident. Slipped and fell in the kitchen sorta thing. Sue the caterer, get a big settlement, suddenly you have all this money and that’ll help you lose weight and better yourself

sugar free jazz posted:

Definitely cut your dick off penance goon. Either it absolves your sins (nice!) or solves other problems you might be having (relationships etc) there’s no downsides really

sugar free jazz posted:

OKCupid goon, you may want to try cutting off your dick. If you do, you’ll only have kids if you really, really want to. Children aren’t a choice to take lightly!

sugar free jazz posted:

Grizzly goon, try cutting your dick off. It would be both healthier and less gross than dipping

sugar free jazz posted:

Scared goon who can't do things that need to be done, consider chopping off your dick (if your'e a dude). Decisiveness will no longer be an issue as you follow through on a difficult but ultimately good and meaningful decision and you learn to harness your inner strength.

sugar free jazz posted:

having sex with guys but not gay goon: try cutting off your dick. If you don't have a dick, most gay men (i've been told?) are generally not that interested as they're into those. This will solve that problem right away. Now the women you can just perform oral sex on and say you're just into getting them off, ezpz my dude good luck!

sugar free jazz posted:

Cult goon, don't immediately reject cutting your dick off, hear me out here. If you're in a cult, they're looking for real serious dedication. Your outer god overlord is similarly looking for dedication, if they exist. Now I'm not sure what would be a better way to show that you're in for the long hall than cutting off your dick for the cause. This would also seriously impress the hot girl, because no doubt she doesn't want some wishy-washy guy who can't hang with the big boys. It's worth considering.

sugar free jazz posted:

Porn and do nothing goon: consider cutting your dick off. You're clearly addicted to pornography, so I would suggest whackin off one last time then whackin it off. You'll be much happier in the long run as you finally have time to learn to love other parts of life, cheers!

sugar free jazz posted:

Guy with the abusive brother: try cutting your dick off. At times people just really need something to snap them out of their inertia. If your brother and his wife watch you just cut it off, they might sober up a bit yknow? It'll also solve the problem of you having to go over there any more, because seeing you go through such a significant sacrifice for them, they will no longer think to call on you for help because you've already done enough. Good luck!

sugar free jazz posted:

mba dropout goon: you should seriously consider chopping your dick off. If you wanna maximize that sociopathy score and really get ahead in life you’re gonna need to focus, so get rid of that distracting dong and get to work

sugar free jazz posted:

virgin goon, you may wan t to consider chopping off your dick as its clearly causing a lot of anxiety in your life

sugar free jazz posted:

u may find greater confidence in urself by cutting your dick off, give it some thought, just a helpful suggestion (:

sugar free jazz posted:

married goon, cut off your dick asap!!!!!!!

sugar free jazz posted:

I told you that cutting your dick off was the right move confessor. Now you may be thinking “wow it’s too late all is lost” but you would be wrong! There’s still time to chop it off and save your marriage!

sugar free jazz posted:

i know i've said it before but the only way to fix this is to cut your dick off

that'll immediately break up the relationship with hot-office-girl and probably destroy the friendship shes making with your wife. It's the obvious solution really.

sugar free jazz posted:

Hero goon, if you cut off your dick the girl will go away and you can use that as a tool to keep the people away as well. As in “get help? gently caress u” then you chop it off

Poldarn posted:

sugar free jazz has the best gimmick and it warms my heart every time I see it.

necroid posted:

dang man I had to check to see if I remembered right and I did, wow

loquacius posted:

Guys this one is a goon masterpiece

wesleywillis posted:

His gimmick is telling people to cut their dicks off.

Name should be changed to sugar free jizz.

Friend posted:

Solice Kirsk posted:

I may buy this when I get home. Ideas on what it should be called? :anonhero: :wrenchgoon: :clubbinlovin:?

Solice Kirsk posted:

I may buy this when I get home. Ideas on what it should be called? :anonhero: :wrenchgoon: :clubbinlovin:?

necroid posted:

dang man I had to check to see if I remembered right and I did, wow

womb with a view posted:

I had assumed that everyone knew about ol' Jazz's gimmick

Keep on keepin' on, friend

quote:

I've been really being a lazy piece of poo poo, and my eating/sleeping habits have spiraled to the point where I sleep til 11, skip breakfast and lunch, and eat a massive junk meal at around 8pm.

As a side effect of this lovely diet I keep taking really massive shits that stick to my butt, to the point I can't use the bathroom unless I take a shower after or I'll get a rash.

But I'm losing weight, in fact I'm in peak physical condition, I'm down to a muscular 190lbs and am finally attractive enough to use Tinder! (Used to stick to OkCupid where I can draw them in with my taste in movies and answering yes to all the "Women are people " type questions.

The only problem is sometimes I have to end dates because I need to poo, and most people won't hook up on a lunch date.

quote:

Since the first time I e-mailed I've found a fairly decent therapist. Right now my biggest challenge has been getting off my old psychiatrist-sanctioned drug abuse. I'm out of everything right now except for benzos whose detox is painfully slow.

I'm still feeling... I feel like I'll never be able to settle down with a regular job. I'm making money my own way, still doing freelances, working on personal projects when I have the time. But I don't think the years that carried me out of the slums as a prostitute will ever get out of me. There is a feeling that whatever I do is just... not the same. Considering all the violence I saw, all the stuff I had to do, I wonder if this is what PTSD feels like. My therapist told me that's the main point of anonymous groups where you can talk to people who underwent similar experiences. I got out of that environment, but it never got out of me.

My biggest, most shameful thought is that I wish I could still give up everything and get back to being a prostitute.

My sleep cycle won't be recovering anytime soon - I recently learned people call people like me a "non-24" which, yay, another term. I'm not a fan of terms or labels. I feel like this is why it took so long for me to get help, because everything is boiled down to terms and terms don't seem ever to be used in my favor, they're used so people with privileged lives can guilt other people with privileged lives while overlooking us. It's exhausting. It's not that the terms and conditions or labels are wrong or don't have a purpose but I hate this feeling of being an escape-goat for people looking for an assorted reason to hate. I'm not white, I'm not whatever people expect. But being a "non-24", I guess, makes harder to want to do something else.

I've been getting back to dancing, lately. I love dancing. I recently talked to someone who told me they were a nightclub bouncer and it was amusing, and I couldn't tell them that when I went to nightclubs to work it was for a completely different reason, so that was somewhat frustrating. But my favorite part was always dancing, and I love dancing so much, and getting back to dancing has been a really calming experience. And since then I found new exciting genres and dances and I've been trying to learn so much new stuff.

And by the end of it I have no energy to be stressed. My heart is pounding, I'm tired, but in a good way. When all my body hurts from all the moving and dancing and I'm laying down I feel like I have energy again. I feel like it was 10 years ago and I had a lot of energy and I just spent it not being stressed or anxious, but doing something that I love.

It's giving me motivation to look pretty again and take care of myself. I'm thankful for it.