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Applewhite you should write for the front page I want an comedy article on my desk by Monday morning
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Jan 8, 2015 00:40
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| # ? Jun 10, 2024 23:07 |
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gnarlyhotep posted:Applewhite you should write for the front page !!! Aw gee *voice cracks* *ahem* Ah, I'm flattered!
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Jan 8, 2015 01:02
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*Stadium unfolds from the ground like a Command and Conquer building. The audience is already inside*
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Jan 8, 2015 01:12
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*CGI robot athlete throws bitcoins over cyberdog-fight*
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Jan 8, 2015 01:15
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gnarlyhotep posted:Applewhite you should write for the front page Seconding Applewhite for front page writer!
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Jan 8, 2015 01:25
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i could care less what applewhite does, but what sports teams do you root for
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Jan 8, 2015 03:21
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*An enormous, slowly rotating cube of jet-black metal(?) rises up out of what looks like a column of glowing red camera apertures. Lightning strikes the cube many times as it rises, revealing the NFL logo, in polished chrome* *The viewer's POV flits and flies through a hellscape of enormous floating television screens facing all directions, in a void. The televisions display basketball games, and different basketball games in slow motion. There are college basketball team logos in 3D floating in the void, as well. The viewer finally finds an escape route, swooping into the news broadcast room.* *A baseball field, with nobody in the stands and no one on the field. It's in black and white. Artificially "archival"-sounding sports announcements (lots of popping and cracking) play over the scene. The camera passes through a hall of fame, past old photos of [sports team]. Sepia-toned TV footage of old games moving towards the current day are superimposed over the field, with championship years gliding across the screen. Even the 90s are sepia toned. "2015" suddenly fills the whole screen! Modern-day color footage of a cheering, full stadium. The season has begun.*
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Jan 8, 2015 03:49
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Vertical split screen reveals two planet-sized factories simultaneously ejecting huge chrome plates at each other, like colossal Pop-Tarts hurtling through space at relativistic speeds toward collision. Screen view unifies as the two plates converge without contact, soaring in perfect formation, strafing the impossibly liquid surface of a nearby sun, then slam together forming a single seamless mass. The camera sweeps in, out, around, and through its interlocked contours before pulling back to reveal the full PGA Tour logo. *lensflare*
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Jan 8, 2015 04:07
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*Fiddles, and fifes strike up as a bunch of small town kids take to the outdoor rink on a mid-winters day. The morning is as golden as nature gets to sepia. They line up on the crease. Somebody's dad drops the puck. The camera follows the puck down in slow motion. A stick strikes out and slaps it away and... it's the kid all grown up and he's a real hockey player playing real professional hockey! Electric guitars start jamming really hard to a mix of vaguely traditional sounding music and generic rock. The action is quick and intense with checking, quick passing and expert stick handling. The jumbotron shows us our proud hockey heritage which includes Paul Henderson's 1972 winning goal against the Russians and a mash-up of Bobby Orr and Wayne Gretzky when he was on the Oilers. The kid has the puck again and he's skating up the ice against a goalie who's on the top of his game. The kid winds back for the shot, the puck shoots forward with an icy blue flame, flies just over the goalie's mitt and into the net! The goal horn blares just as the puck flips vertically over to reveal the words: HOCKEY. OUR GAME. OUR RULES. embossed over a red and gold maple leaf. We immediately cut to a Canadian Tire commercial about car heaters and snow brushes.* *The same footage plays in Quebec but the jumbotron feed is replaced with stock footage of the Canadiens and the puck has a Fleur de Lys and the words JE ME SOUVIENS instead.* Testikles fucked around with this message at 05:22 on Jan 8, 2015 |
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Jan 8, 2015 04:17
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And as I sat there brooding on the old, unknown world, I thought of Manning’s wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end ofthe dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him, somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night. Manning believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter — to-morrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. . . . And one fine morning —— *NFL Robot catches the future and American Dream in its outstretched arms, does touchdown dance*
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Jan 8, 2015 05:13
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gnarlyhotep posted:Applewhite you should write for the front page and waste his talents on that garbage? gently caress that
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Jan 8, 2015 05:43
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Is that guy eating grass?
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Jan 8, 2015 05:53
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ITT: trippy sports channel graphics https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aL8SKUqzEzM
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Jan 8, 2015 06:07
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I'll jizz myself if anyone can dig up a gif from that Simpsons episode where the football man clotheslines the other football man causing his decapitated helmet head to come flying towards the screen. I think it was the one where Lisa helps Homer gamble or possibly the one where Flanders takes Homer to the big game.
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Jan 8, 2015 06:33
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drowningidiot posted:I'll jizz myself if anyone can dig up a gif from that Simpsons episode where the football man clotheslines the other football man causing his decapitated helmet head to come flying towards the screen. I think it was the one where Lisa helps Homer gamble or possibly the one where Flanders takes Homer to the big game.  
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Jan 8, 2015 08:03
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*camera flies over LOTR-like expanses of land, including verdant green fields, huge icy mountains and beautiful lakes and rivers. eventually the viewers can being to make out humans, elves and a variety of other races interacting and living in the world. suddenly the camera stops as a dragon descends from the top of the screen and breathes fire right at the viewers. SKYRIM SPEEDRUN CHAMPIONSHIPS booms over the spaekars. starwipe to commentry desk*
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Jan 8, 2015 08:34
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*FOOTBALL has happened. A ninety-year-old man crudely draws superimposed neon lines over the left half of the screen while a butt-ugly CGI transforming football-player-shaped robot shoves and stretches out the ad ticker at the right to reveal an all-new season of Family Guy at 9pm EST, 8pm central *
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Jan 8, 2015 08:51
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*an ad for the local credit union appears on the glass behind the hockey net. it subtly moves around with tracking innacurracies as the camera moves*
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Jan 8, 2015 10:23
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EMILY BLUNTS posted:*an ad for the local credit union appears on the glass behind the hockey net. it subtly moves around with tracking innacurracies as the camera moves* *same, but the wall behind the batter's box and it's an ad for a local roofing firm*
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Jan 8, 2015 10:37
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Make a :jizz: version of toxx and I'll buy the emote
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Jan 8, 2015 12:55
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*A troop of apes are going about their business when they are suddenly all riled up by a loud ringing sound. A huge football goalpost has appeared in the middle of the group! The apes start shouting and waving bones around. One goes and grabs an ostrich egg while two smaller groups go into a huddle at opposite ends of the ravine. The huddles break and the apes rush each other in a mad scramble for the egg. One of the apes passes the egg to another and the camera tracks it through the air in slow motion. As the egg reaches the top of its arc, the egg becomes a football and the Monday Night Football theme begins to play*
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Jan 8, 2015 14:36
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*A swarm of metal platforms drifts eternally through a red void. Their origins forgotten, their eventual destination unknowable. The screens on their surfaces went dark centuries ago, the glass cracked and scoured by whatever stray particles drift through this eerie realm. Only one sign of their former purpose remains: on the largest platform, at the foot of a worn oblelisk lie the partially eroded letters of a language that died eons ago: M ND IGH F TBAL *
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Jan 8, 2015 15:50
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*Terminator-like robot sits uncomfortably with what appears to be his girlfriend terminator (wig) and her parents at a local mexican restaurant. Despite their voices being horns and thunderous drums you get the sense he is not listening and highly distracted. Suddenly he jumps from the table and rushes into the little terminators room. e squats down on the toilet, finally releiving the pressure that had been building up for an hour with the first chips and salsa. A stream of liquid metal pours out from his robo-bowels into the water below. Cooling, it forms into the words THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL on CBS*
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Jan 8, 2015 16:08
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StandardVC10 posted:Is that guy eating grass? I think he was picking up gum off the ground and putting it in his mouth, which is grosser imo, even if it was his own gum that just fell out a second ago.
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Jan 8, 2015 16:30
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*vhs style tracking and scan lines problem mar the image of the old AFC and NFC logos then a laser chaingun blasts the logos away and a green laser over fog scans down the screen wiping away the wrecked logos, the aspect ratio changes from 4:3 to 19:9 and the resolution of the image jumps to 1080p as the new NFL logo comes into focus*
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Jan 8, 2015 16:46
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*A team of 300 spartans in football regalia all gather at the pass to defend against a wave of grotesque globalists, at its head a gay caricature with a British accent and a golden soccer trophy beckoning the freedom lovers if they would but submit to the One True Football. Quarterback Leonidas hunches over, places one hand upon the pigskin and yells "come and claim it!" (all talent is shot against a green backdrop)
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Jan 8, 2015 16:55
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*the scene fades in as we see the team huddled tight above us, we are picked up as the viewer comes to realize our perspective as a go pro mounted on the back of a football. The snap. Bone-crushing hits and gutteral grunts flood in from all directions as we float freely, the video playback slowing to emphasize our momentarily weightlessness. Back into the mud-caked hands of the QB. A brief hesitation followed by the quarterback throwing a perfect spiral and the entire audience collectively overcome with motion sickness or triggered into photosensitive seizures*
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Jan 8, 2015 16:57
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*A parade of terminator football robots stand in black suits and dresses on a green field, an elderly robot being lowered into a hole after a lifetime of catching, dancing and taunting. The robot's wife cries uncontrollably as others try to comfort it. As the grave finally rests at the bottom of the hole, two massive back-hoe scoops dump dirt into the hole, filling it and overflowing into a tightly packed mound of dirt. 2 robots on motocross bikes blaze up and over the mound, each doing a superman off the back of the cycles before sticking the landing on the X Games 2015 logo*
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Jan 8, 2015 17:00
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*Quarterback throws a Hail Mary pass to a receiver who catches it, revealing bloodstained hands. The ball is covered in thorns, but he is in the touchdown zone colored in the styling of stained glass. The receiver takes a knee and crosses himself, a halo of light forming upon his head as a divine spotlight from above blesses him. Camera pans up to reveal Jesus Christ, his arms outstretched and nails driven through his hands attached to chains which are in turn attached to both goal posts. A pious chant echoes throughout the field as the words "Sunday Night Football" appears in gothic font, the t in Football being a crucifix with highlights and bevels for emphasis
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Jan 8, 2015 17:07
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQGQuP6j4w0
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Jan 8, 2015 17:09
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*A massive metal cylinder tumbles end over end through space accompanied by bagpipe music. It travels for eons, finally arriving in Earth's Solar system. Soon it has reached the Earth itself and makes contact with the atmosphere. Air friction heats it to a cherry red but does nothing to slow it's tumble. Beneath it, the British isles grow larger and larger until finally, Dunoon, Scotland it plainly visible beneath it. The colossal cylinder hits the ground long-end first and the landscape around it is reduced to a wasteland. Halfway up the cylinder, a hatch opens and a banner reading "2015 Highland Games, Caber Toss Finals" unfurls. Throngs of Scotsmen in traditional dress flood onto the field from offscreen and cheer wildly as the bagpipes crescendo*
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Jan 8, 2015 17:31
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*Line of blinking, holographic arrows predicts putt vector*
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Jan 8, 2015 17:34
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Top 5 tackles of the week segment themed to Obama's "we got 'em" Osama press conference.
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Jan 8, 2015 17:44
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*Soldiers march out onto pitch* *Camera zooms down and around them* *Soldiers turn into football players, still standing attention* *They all crotch thrust forwards, and footballs erupt out travelling the length of the pitch* *footballs have wispy white trials, giving sperm like appearance* *The footballs all go over the bar of the goals at the other end of the pitch* *Goal bars part like a pair of legs and from the bottom of the screen a map of America appears* *Final last footballs hit/impregnate the cities where teams are* *Title letters bursts out of each of the cities as if birthed* *Spells out MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL in red white blue letters* *afterbirth stars drip from the letters*
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Jan 8, 2015 17:53
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*old Command & Conquer cutscenes awkwardly re-purposed for an Arena League Football team's intro video*
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Jan 8, 2015 17:54
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rip onion sportsdome https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFmj56xz8AM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkmquCCpXsI
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Jan 8, 2015 18:15
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*A man in a toga sows a field from a basket of dragon teeth. Overnight, the teeth sprout into fully grown and game-ready basketball players. The toga man nods in satisfaction as the basketball theme blares and the words MARCH MADNESS materialize between two freestanding Ionic columns*
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Jan 8, 2015 18:15
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The idiot god Azathoth slumbers in the dark cold of space. Spotlights project across his skin and flicker over a shut eyelid. The lights dance over the lid until it opens, a sickening mirror of pain and gore twisting in its iris. The eye looks far across the stars, towards the spotlights come that from the top of a massive Colosseum. The logo of SEC Football stamped squarely at mid-field.
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Jan 8, 2015 18:24
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*Death, clad in pristine yet chill-inducing robes arrives from the ever-present fog on the land. His scythe's blade shines bright in the moonlight on the clear night. The gleam of the blade dances about the fog and the camera pans to follow the beam of light as it washes over a mountain of graves. Gravestones of dead sports players stand in haphazard fashion, near the edge of crumbling to the ground yet stoic in their stance. Death pounds the scythe's wooden handle to the ground, causing a shockwave to erupt towards the graves, musty and rotten dirt rippling like waves in a lake.* *The shockwaves reach the graves and the stones tumble to the ground. A near-silent rumbling is heard, and builds as the ground at the fallen gravestones start to vibrate and shift. A bony hand punches through the dirt, covered in grime and decaying flesh. Another hand appears, this time with a worn-out catcher's glove. As if harkened by the action, dozens more hands start to erupt from the ground, some clenching baseball bats, mitts, and gloves. These skeletal and disgusting features of the human hand start to pull themselves out from their graves, tortured souls with half-remaining faces, mottled, rotten flesh falling from their bones, tattered and torn uniforms clinging to the remaining physical entries that were their bodies. Soon, dozens of the ghouls are standing in front of Death, never breathing, never loving, never feeling.* *Death raises his scythe to the air, and a whispy draft of air begins to escape from the darkness within his hood, from a place so foul and so evil that no one dares question where it is created. This air turns to a thick, soupy cloud and hovers towards the decaying ghouls and envelops them.* "PLAY!" Death shouts. *The cloud expands suddenly, then condenses and explodes. The ghouls and skeletons are no longer, but they are mean-looking, muscular players in clean, trim and proper uniforms. Their caps are drawn low, nearly shielding their faces. A glow emits from their eyes, and start to pound their mitts, clap their bats against their shoes, and stretch their arms.* "BAAAAAAAAAALL!" Death finishes. *The dark night changes around them to a baseball field with a filled stadium of fans. The sun is bright and happy, the field is green and lively, and the fans are excited and cheering . The players are lined up in front of their dugouts. The camera then pans to the the upper decks where Death removes his robes, showing himself to be Harry Carey.* "Ladies and gentlemen, your Chicago Cubs!" Carey shouts. *The fans erupt into a wild frenzy of cheers and screams. The scoreboard lights up with "THIS YEAR IS THE YEAR" as a digitized baseball flies out of the stadium and explodes into Sears Tower.* *The players run to their positions. This year will not be the year. It will never be the year. It is limbo for these tortured souls. Destined forever to almost win but never will. Harry Carey smiles devilishly. One of his teeth is solid gold and on his pinky is a ring that has an eyeball on it. It moves from time to time.*
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Jan 8, 2015 18:31
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| # ? Jun 10, 2024 23:07 |
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*A bunch of guys in rival team jerseys are seated around a table at Buffalo Wild Wings. They are all getting along and laughing together. Meanwhile, a buxom blonde in a white toga enters the restaurant. She sees the display of inter-fan camaraderie and her cherry red lips twist into a mischievous smile. She approaches their table and produces something shiny and golden from the folds of her toga. The fans' jaws drop in awe as she places the object on the table. It is the superbowl trophy. On it is the inscription "To the best football team of all time." The fans' earlier friendship is shattered and within seconds they are at one another's throats, tearing each other apart in a grizzly display of barbarism. A spray of blood splatters across the woman's toga, marring its perfection. She takes a daub of the blood on her fingertip and sucks on it suggestively. She smiles at the camera. The woman is Eris, goddess of chaos, and she is pleased. More blood splatters the walls and ceiling, forming the Superbowl XLIX logo*
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Jan 8, 2015 18:32
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