|
jim introduces his friend to the office. the friend is a hungry boa constrictor, who suffocates and consumes dwight.
|
#
?
Jun 7, 2021 17:44
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 28, 2024 17:28 |
|
|
Jim shoves Dwight in a box and mails him to Abu Dhabi, as per the directions of the mysterious Garf-Anon.
|
|
#
?
Jun 7, 2021 17:53
|
|
|
Pam stabs Jim with the athame, binding his spirit in place. "Run, Dwight!" she screams, "run and save yourself!"
|
|
#
?
Jun 7, 2021 17:57
|
|
|
Jim becomes a chiropractor and tries to get the whole office to be his clients. Dwight argues that chiropractors are, at best, peddling a placebo effect that can be reached through stretches and massages but Jim keeps arguing that he can "align spines" and fix a whole host of ailments. Despite Dwight's protests, Michael schedules "An Evening with Jim", where everybody in the office can be "treated' by Jim at his new office. The first sign of something going awry is when Jim stands on Kevin's back and starts jumping up and down, saying that he's "manipulating the joints". When Dwight asks what joints, Jim just mutters to himself and quietly trails off. Michael says that he has neck pain and headaches, and Jim sticks an uninflated umbrella into his sinus cavity and then starts inflating it. "You'll hear some cracking soon, that's the joints." says Jim, before Michael starts violently coughing and sneezing. Pam ushes Michael out of the office to get some water and Dwight hears his coughing continue through the thin walls of Jim's office. Creed is up next and Jim just grabs his neck and starts twisting it rapidly from side to side. "Those pops are good, that's the sound of the spine realigning." Creed says he feels a lot better, but then walks into a wall and falls over and vomits. Dwight calls 911 but Jim explains "some people get like that, it's the toxins being released from your spine when it's cracked." Dwight declines his treatment but Jim grabs him under the armpits and starts lifting him off the ground, tossing him from side to side. He then yells at Pam to get "the big cracker" and Pam appears with what looks like a rubber mallet. Jim swings it at Dwight's lower back, knocking him to the ground. He swings again and again, saying that it's to help "align the cervix" but Dwight is in too much pain to even think about correcting him. Jim then gets a running start and dives, knees first, into Dwight's back. Dwight screams in pain and Jim says "This is for your own good, Dwight!!" The ambulance finally shows up for Creed and Dwight begs them to stop Jim, but Jim flashes a piece of paper at them and says "I'm a chiropractor, don't worry." so they leave with Creed. Dwight can still hear Michael coughing as Jim whacks the back of his skull with the rubber mallet. "That's to help align your skull bones, buddy!" Dwight can't move and Jim forcibly manipulates every joint in his body until they loudly crack as Pam films it all for youtube. Michael is still coughing in the bowels of the office, but it sounds much wetter now. The doorbell rings and Dwight hears Jim run out to greet the new patient. "Yeah, chiropractors are great for babies. I can crack their spines even easier, it's awesome" he says and Dwight feels tears running down his cheeks.
|
|
#
?
Jun 7, 2021 20:37
|
|
|
Jim is reading a book on urban legends and comes to one about people putting razor blades into waterslides and that's why they all got closed down. Later that day he invites Dwight to the waterpark.
|
|
#
?
Jun 7, 2021 20:49
|
|
|
Jim asks Dwight to reach into all the coin trays from the pay phones to check for quarters with a twinkle in his eye
|
|
#
?
Jun 7, 2021 21:44
|
|
|
Jim bounces little Dwight on his knee "And what would you like for Christmas little boy?" "I'd like Optimus Prime because he's a big truck and the leader!" "And have you been a good little boy?" "Yes Santa! The bestest!" "Well maybe Santa will have a little surprise for you under the Christmas Tree on Christmas morning." On Christmas morning Jim comes down the chimney and leaves Dwight two presents - A ream of paper and an old beet. 30 years later and Jim is sitting at his desk playing with a mint condition Optimus Prime while Dwight looks on with a profound sense of sadness and regret.
|
|
#
?
Jun 7, 2021 23:29
|
|
|
I don't know what Jim did but everyone except Dwight just ran out of the Scranton branch screaming
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 04:41
|
|
|
Jim spreads superglue on Dwight’s sandwich so that when Dwight takes a bite his mouth gets glued shut. He tries to swallow but that only makes his throat seal up. He falls on the floor, clawing at his throat and trying to scream. It’s only thanks to Oscar performing a field tracheotomy that Dwight manages to survive. Meredith has to go with Dwight to the hospital. “Looks like Dwight bit off more than he could chew,” quips Jim.
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 04:50
|
|
|
Dwight is teaching his history of philosophy class and during his lecture on Nietzsche quotes the famous phrase "God is dead, and we have killed him.". Suddenly, Jim stands up in the lecture hall wearing the full tactical kit of a SEAL Team Six member. Dwight gets to wonder what's going on for only a moment before Jim rushes and tackles him. Jim is utterly silent as he uses elite CqC training to break every ball joint in Dwight's body and then delivers a throat punch that leaves Dwight unable to do more than slowly choke to death while making gurgling sounds. Jim doesn't even look him in the eye as he turns away and slow-walks out of the lecture hall. As he leaves all the students stand and applaud Jim long after he has left the room.
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 05:40
|
|
|
Jim streams his Twitch from his hot tub, circumventing rules that say he can't stream in a speedo. Dwight attempts to get him shut down, but soon the entire Office is streaming in their underwear in kiddie pools.
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 06:01
|
|
|
jim clamps a car battery to dwight's glans
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 10:28
|
|
|
Pam comes to Dwight and explains that she and Jim have been having major relationship issues lately. Jim can't have a conversation that doesn't revolve around pranks, Pam feels unfulfilled in their relationship, and they both find it difficult to spend time with each other. She asks Dwight what he would do and he admits that, in her shoes, he would be thinking about divorce or at least seeing a therapist. Pam thanks Dwight for listening while Jim, unseen, stares blankly at them from across the room. A week later, Dwight is relaxing at home with a cool glass of lemonade when he hears a knock at the door. It's Jim and Pam, along with their pet dog. They're already arguing with each other and Dwight asks what's going on. Jim explains that he and Pam are getting a divorce "Thanks to your advice, Dwight" and that they need Dwight's help. They're able to split up the furniture, the cars, and they can sell their house. But neither of them is willing to part with the dog and, of course, you can't split a dog in half. Dwight says he's willing to adopt the dog, but Jim says that they both agree on one thing - nobody could raise the dog as well as the Halperts. "Former Halperts, you mean" says Pam, obviously frustrated. Unwilling to give up the dog and unwilling to share custody, Jim and Pam have come to Dwight to ask him to kill the dog, mercifully. Dwight is shocked and refuses, at which point Jim says "Okay, looks like we're doing the shovel, then. Told you, Pam." Dwight threatens to call the ASPCA and Jim says "That's fine, but I'll get this dog taken care of before then." A frustrated Dwight feels stuck and agrees to put the dog down mercifully, seeing no other escape. Jim watches Dwight menacingly the whole time, and Dwight realizes that his life is in danger if he doesn't comply. He does the deed, crying the entire time. Afterwards, Jim and Pam hug Dwight and thank him for "helping us get closure." "Now then," continues Jim. "That brings us to the kids." Dwight can't stop his tears now as Jim smiles, smugly, at the camera.
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 14:27
|
|
|
the dog is in fact mose
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 14:32
|
|
|
Jim cleans out his garage and is left with several cans of paint and various other household chemicals. Being his trademark lazy self, Jim just dumps everything over his property line. Unfortunately, the Halperts live next door to a cemetery. The chemicals soak into the ground and, inevitably, into the bodies buried within. The next day, Michael is late to work and complains about getting stuck "behind a fun run" and Kevin says he was surrounded by a crowd of people who just ignored him like he wasn't even there. Meredith goes for any early lunch, saying that she hopes there are some hunks in the crowd. She never returns to the office. Shortly after this, Dwight hears pounding outside and looks down to see his grandfather futilely slapping his hands on Dwight's car. The problem is, his grandfather has been dead for 3 years, so Dwight dismisses it as a guy who looks like him. The parking lot is soon filled with dozens of similarly strange people, but now they're starting to try and get in the building. Michael says he'll handle these "fun-runners" and walks down there just as they get the front door open. Michael is torn to pieces in seconds and the invaders split open his skull and feast on the brain inside while moaning in pleasure. "Pam! What the hell did you do?" Yells Jim while grinning at the camera. Dwight's grandfather bursts through the office door at this point, moaning for brains. Dwight's brains. Dwight tries to run but Jim grabs him and tosses him towards the zombie. "Don'tcha wanna see your grandpa again, Dwight? Let him pick your brain a little?"
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 16:55
|
|
|
The Office are in a Douglas C-47 "Gooney Bird" being flown behind German lines in preparation for the D-Day landings in Normandy. As they near the drop zone Jim opens the door and starts moving everyone out. As Dwight comes up for his turn he turns to Jim. "I'll see you at the bottom Sir! Those Krauts won't know hit them!" Jim nods and pats him on the back as he courageously leaps from the plane. Jim is holding Dwight's parachute in his hands as he mugs to the camera in what is one of several historic pieces of colour footage taken that night of Jim being an rear end in a top hat.
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 17:21
|
|
|
Dwight goes to the zoo to relax but finds that Jim has replaced all of the animals with mythical creatures such as unicorns, wyverns, and phoenixes. The day isn't so much relaxing as it is exciting, so Dwight feels kind of tired when he goes to work the next day, much to Jim's delight.
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 17:35
|
|
|
Jim is isolated in his small apartment during COVID and decides to spend his time filming and editing a one-man comedy special about quarantine life, loneliness, and his mental health struggles. Netflix picks it up after the mass vaccinations have rolled out and it becomes a #1 hit the weekend it's released. Dwight watches the film and is amazed at the amount of effort and work that went into it considering the circumstances, and thinks a few of the songs in the first half of the show are really funny. But as the show wraps up it becomes clear something is deeply wrong with Jim as his unkempt appearance towards the end of filming becomes worse and worse and the references to his depression and anxiety become less and less ironic. By the time the credits roll Dwight worries his friend Jim is at risk for committing suicide and that the entire special was really a cry for help. Dwight loses a couple hours of sleep worrying about what, if anything, he can do, and is very tired the next morning.
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 17:46
|
|
|
The entire office is torn down and rebuilt overnight into a Willy Wonka wonderland factory. Jim grins at Dwight and references the time Dwight said he “loved Willy Wonka” and forces him to sail through a chocolate river and eat his way through a bramble patch made of peppermint to get to his desk. By this time, Dwight is just exhausted from all the pranks and is slightly late for his first call of the day, but otherwise nothing of consequence happens
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 17:49
|
|
|
Dwight is stationed on a small island in the Philippines sworn to defend the Imperial Japanese Empire against all enemies until his last breath. Jim is about to pick up the radio and let him know that the Emperor has surrendered but then smiles and puts it down.
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 17:52
|
|
|
Jim starts a "Ghost Hunting Agency" and shows the entire office hours and hours of footage of "Orbs". To Dwight, they look like dust but Jim insists that this is proof of the supernatural caught on film. Jim then starts playing his EVP videos, where again, Dwight is unsure if he hears anything at all. Despite that, Jim insists he hears "voices of ghosts and demons" in the office, freaking out some of the more superstitious members of Dunder Mifflin. Dwight finally has enough when Jim insists Dwight is possessed by a demon named Pazuzu. When Dwight insists that Jim is lifting things wholesale from The Exorcist, Jim whacks him with a heavy wooden crucifix.
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 18:01
|
|
|
Dwight brings his guitar in to the office and serenades everyone with a beautiful medley of songs. A jealous Jim sells his soul to Satan in exchange for a demonic guitar whose songs bring death and despair, then invites everyone in the office to "Jim Aid", a concert to benefit Jim.
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 19:29
|
|
|
Jims and Dwight ready themselves to go over the trench at the Somme. A whistle blows. Dwight says a quick prayed then scrambles over the edge and runs into a withering gale of German machine gun fire. Back in the trench all the Jims are doubled over in hysterical laughter.
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 19:37
|
|
|
Jim loosens the wheels on Dwight's chair to cause them to fall off when Dwight sits in it. When Dwight does the chair flips backwards more violently than Jim expected and Dwight fractures his skull. He has to share a room with Meredith at the hospital.
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 19:40
|
|
|
Jim admits that he doesn't even know what paper is and that he's been "pretending to be a sailor man, or whatever they call me" for more than a decade. Dwight begins to doubt his commitment to Dunder Mifflin with this news, causing Jim to dance and sing in joy. Michael bursts in and joins in, then tells Dwight "wow, aren't you happy to work here, where we recognize talent?" and then Jim mugs for the camera.
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2021 19:40
|
|
|
Jim posts on NextDoor about a "suspicious man with a dog possibly casing houses for burglary". Dwight is pursued by a vigilante mob while walking Mose.
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2021 07:31
|
|
|
Dwight is caught up in a crackdown by German soldiers against civilians in his village after a Maquis attack killed several Germans earlier that day. The civilians are separated into two groups, one of which will be summarily executed in retaliation, and the other to be set free. Dwight, to his horror, is selected for the first group for arbitrary reasons (the Commandant didn't like his mustard shirt). Jim, a local paper factory owner and collaborator, intervenes and convinces the Germans to let Dwight go as his salesmanship makes him vital to the Occupation. Initially relieved at his friends benevolence, he is shocked to watch as the Commandant returns to the group to be set free and selects Michael to take Dwight's place in the group condemned to die. Michael's frenzied protestations fall on deaf ears, and Dwight blames himself for being the proximate cause of the death of his best friend and man he most admired.
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2021 16:24
|
|
|
Dwight becomes an amateur painter and, eventually, works up the confidence to enter a local art competition. Jim, seething with rage, decides that he needs to enter the contest and beat Dwight. When Pam mentions that she could enter a painting, Jim hits her with a tire iron and tells her "This isn't about you, it's NEVER about you." The competition begins and Dwight's painting has a lot of early buzz. It's a beautiful painting of a beet field in the morning, tiny droplets of dew reflecting the sunlight as they sit on the leaves of plant. It's a calming scene, and well done. Jim, in contrast, presents a terrifying and abstract painting of a man being flayed while demonic figures dance in flames. Strange, shadowy shapes float in the background and make up the subtle background. It's a powerful painting, with obscene colors and a stark view of reality. Dwight and Jim are both asked to explain their paintings. Dwight says that he took up painting to share his view of the beauty of the world. Jim says "my painting is what I see when I close my eyes, it's awesome and I hope to make it a reality soon." Jim is awarded 1st prize, which includes a gift certificate to Red Robin. Dwight gets second place. The next day Jim eats a Chili Chili Cheeseburger in front of Dwight while mugging for the camera. He drops a bunch of chili on the floor and rubs it in with his foot.
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2021 16:51
|
|
|
Jim convinces Dwight to spend his xp on improving his two-handed weapons skill, even though a major nerf to two-handers was currently being tried out on the test server.
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2021 17:00
|
|
|
Michael comes in one day with a revolver. Jim tries to tackle him, but he's too slow and Michael plugs a .45 straight between Dwight's eyes. Dwight dies instantly, with a grim smile of relief rigid in his face. He's free. He's finally free.
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2021 17:04
|
|
|
Armitag3 posted:Michael comes in one day with a revolver. Jim tries to tackle him, but he's too slow and Michael plugs a .45 straight between Dwight's eyes. Dwight dies instantly, with a grim smile of relief rigid in his face. He's free. He's finally free. Dwight wakes up at 6am the next day, "I Got You Babe" is playing on the clock radio.
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2021 18:20
|
|
|
Jim leaves Dwight on a cooling rack in the refrigerator for 30 days, causing him to become perfectly dry aged.
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2021 18:51
|
|
|
jim encases dwight's stapler in jello https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glFrp-CmNVA there's no joke or reference here. it's just what he did. it was really unprofessional
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2021 20:51
|
|
|
When Dwight goes out to get snacks for the office party, Jim texts him at the last minute and asks him to get seven-layer dip. Dwight just left the store and is in a traffic jam, so this really inconveniences him.
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2021 21:49
|
|
|
Jim invents a machine that turns Dwight into a cicada. He then proceeds to coat Dwight in chocolate and eat him. This is less of a prank and more fulfillment of a lifelong fantasy Dwight had that Jim read in his journal when he broke into Schrute Farms last time. In a way, Jim did him a favor.
|
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2021 21:51
|
|
|
Jim draws Dwight and spends the remainder of the day menacing him with an eraser.
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2021 21:52
|
|
|
At the weekend, Dwight sees Jim in the high street. He greets Jim, but Jim appears not to notice him. Jim had noticed him, though.
|
|
#
?
Jun 9, 2021 23:55
|
|
|
Jim explains that Michael Jackson’s famous hit, “Beat It,” does not actually refer to the cultivated vegetable, the beet. Dwight is heartbroken. Jim comforts Dwight by summarizing the many allegations laid against the deceased singer.
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2021 00:13
|
|
|
Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:There's no joke or reference here. it's just what he did. it was really unprofessional None of this thread is funny. Workplace harassment is not a joke, and should be reported promptly to HR.
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2021 00:21
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 28, 2024 17:28 |
|
|
Jim would defeat Toby in hand to hand combat.
|
|
#
?
Jun 10, 2021 00:24
|
|