|
Stolen from the Blessed Pictures thread.
|
#
?
Mar 9, 2023 22:57
|
|
|
|
| # ? Jun 11, 2024 02:46 |
|
|
What happens to bad rainbows? They get sent to prism. They usually get a light sentence which gives them time to reflect.
|
|
#
?
Jul 14, 2023 18:44
|
|
|
This joke is notable mainly because it's the only joke from a joke book that I've never read or heard anywhere else. Ed goes into a bar and sees a large shape under a sheet. He lifts it up and a beautifully groomed Lorikeet starts singing 'Love for Sale'. "Good, isn't it?" says the guy in the next seat. "Name a standard and he'll sing it." Ed thinks about and says: "OK, do 'Mack the Knife'". The bird pelts out the song, in a passable imitation of Louis Armstrong's voice. Next they get him to do some Sinatra, Billie Holiday, some scat singing. The bird displays astonishing versatility. "Wow" Says Ed. "This bird is amazing. I know a club owner, I'd like to book him for some shows, people would love it." "You can have him for $200 and a double of whiskey" says the guy. "I'm sick of trying to make it in showbiz." "It's a deal" says Ed. I'll go out to the machine and get some cash right now". Ed comes back and there's now two cages on the bar. The bird in the second one looks awful, with dull, bleary eyes, missing feathers and the dogend of a cigarette in it's beak. From the look of the bottom of the cage, it's got a two pack a day habit. Ed says "You can leave him. he looks like he'll keel over before I get home." "Sorry" says the guy "but you gotta take both. This one's the singer, and this one's the arranger."
|
|
#
?
Jul 17, 2023 03:51
|
|
|
Yesterday I was so happy I jumped for joy…… and fell straight into an open manhole!
|
|
#
?
Jul 18, 2023 09:58
|
|
|
Yesterday I was so happy I jumped for Joy. I don't know why she constantly asks me to but I was already happy so I thought I'd be nice this time
|
|
#
?
Jul 18, 2023 10:10
|
|
|
You: "what's the difference between me and a piece of furniture?" Them: "I don't know" You (looking awkward): "oh poo poo, I'd better work on my conversational skills eh?"
|
|
#
?
Oct 10, 2023 05:33
|
|
|
Passed onto me just now: There are 10 kinds of people - 1 kind who can count in hexadecimal, and F the rest of them.
|
|
#
?
Oct 10, 2023 18:24
|
|
|
What's the worst kind of table? It's debatable.
|
|
#
?
Nov 13, 2023 21:13
|
|
|
A guy walks into a bar. The bartender stops his cleaning and says to the man, “Interesting choice of pet there. What’s his name?” The man takes a seat and, with beer in hand he replies, “Tiny.” The bartender pauses. “Why Tiny?” The man takes another sip before responding. “Because he’s my newt.”
|
|
#
?
Nov 13, 2023 21:21
|
|
|
Jedit posted:Passed onto me just now: Took me a bit to not read that as "-1 kind" and expect an integer underflow joke.
|
|
#
?
Nov 13, 2023 21:28
|
|
|
Q: why does fish-eating mammal cross road? A: because it otter
|
|
#
?
Dec 27, 2023 05:59
|
|
|
How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Giraffe
|
|
#
?
Dec 27, 2023 06:02
|
|
|
Allo allo allo, my cat's got no ears. How does it smell? Through its bum.
|
|
#
?
Dec 27, 2023 06:10
|
|
|
As the programmer was heading out, their spouse called out to them. "Dear, while you're at the store, buy some eggs." The programmer never came home. These two jokes are intended to be told together: Why did the chicken cross the road? To go to the fool's house Knock knock. (Who's there?) The chicken ____________________ ________________________________________
|
|
#
?
Dec 31, 2023 11:16
|
|
|
Where do you take someone who has been injured in a peekaboo accident? The ICU
|
|
#
?
Dec 31, 2023 14:51
|
|
|
Nebrilos posted:As the programmer was heading out, their spouse called out to them. "Dear, while you're at the store, buy some eggs." The programmer's spouse asks them to pick up some bread, and if they have any eggs get six. As the programmer returns home with six loaves of bread their spouse breaks down in tears. "I can't live like this any more, I'm leaving you."
|
|
#
?
Dec 31, 2023 15:29
|
|
|
Elendil004 posted:Where do you take someone who has been injured in a peekaboo accident? Did you hear about the new sport called Quiet Tennis? It's like tennis, but without all the racket Deer Blind Dad Jokes ftw
|
|
#
?
Dec 31, 2023 18:36
|
|
|
My kid told me a run of jokes that I really liked and never heard. How do you put an elephant in the fridge? Open the fridge door, put the elephant in, close the fridge. How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Take the elephant out and put the giraffe in. The lion is having a birthday party, who is missing? The giraffe because he was left in the fridge.
|
|
#
?
Jan 2, 2024 00:36
|
|
|
How do you fit four elephants in a Mini Cooper? Two in the front, two in the back.
|
|
#
?
Jan 2, 2024 01:24
|
|
|
for fucks sake posted:How do you fit four elephants in a Mini Cooper? And 7 in the ashtray. joke from a time many years ago when cars had ashtrays and we made terrible jokes about the 7 astronauts that died in the Challenger explosion
|
|
#
?
Jan 2, 2024 01:36
|
|
|
Also rehashed after the Waco / Branch Davidian incident.
|
|
#
?
Jan 2, 2024 03:30
|
|
|
Pretty sure it was about Jews long before then. Come to think of it It was about fitting n into a VW Beetle
|
|
#
?
Jan 2, 2024 05:07
|
|
cowboy
|
for fucks sake posted:How do you fit four elephants in a Mini Cooper? How many giraffes can you fit in a Mini Cooper? None, it's full of elephants.
|
|
#
?
Jan 2, 2024 05:14
|
|
|
FFT posted:Come to think of it It was about fitting n into a VW Beetle Yeah “in a Volkswagen bug” is how I learned it.
|
|
#
?
Jan 2, 2024 06:05
|
|
|
Yeah the versions I learned was "how many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?" "6 million and 4, 4 in the seats and 6 millon in the ashtrays" How about a funny Holocaust joke instead? Decades after escaping Aushwitz, Shmuel passes away. In the afterlife, he reunites with his friends who perished there. They start reminiscing and soon they are laughing and joking about the terrible conditions in the camp and the sadism of the guards. God overhears this and interrupts them, saying "hey! That's not funny!" "Oh," says Shmuel, "I guess you had to be there"
|
|
#
?
Jan 2, 2024 06:39
|
|
|
The famous clown Pagliacci goes to see a Proctologist...
|
|
#
?
Jan 2, 2024 17:57
|
|
|
Blackula Vs. Tarantula posted:
Now this is a good one.
|
|
#
?
Jan 3, 2024 18:24
|
|
|
ulmont posted:And 7 in the ashtray. That joke predates that incident for sure. The oldest version I heard was "how many comedians can you fit in a VW Beetle?", to which the answer is "two in the back, two in the front and Richard Pryor in the ashtray". It was a riff on an incident where Pryor badly burned himself while freebasing.
|
|
#
?
Jan 6, 2024 09:57
|
|
|
jodai posted:My kid told me a run of jokes that I really liked and never heard. I guess you weren't a child in Soviet Finland. 
|
|
#
?
Jan 10, 2024 12:36
|
|
|
A young person took up the arms and armour of a recently-deceased parent. 'With these weapons and with this will, I shall forever be a champion of justice!' they vowed. Happily, their parents' faithful horse stood nearby and only a nod and a wink was required to the tacking staff in order for our protagonist to be about their ways. On their first essay from their birthplace our protagonist was challenged thus by a local village: 'Help, help! A beast with a dozen heads assails us, and all hope is lost!' Fearing only the retrospective outrage of the locals in regard of their entitlement, and previous failure to maintain feudal terms by exterminating such beasts, our guy set about it. Meeting the creature on its own terms on a seaside beach, a brutal dance saw the monster's heads besliced by a single swing of our hero's weapon. This triumph reached the Queen of the land and she issued the following proclamation: 'For each head brought before me (of the monsters obviously) I shall grant a proportionate share of my demesne. Other parts considered, for example hair of the very dog.' Our hero was pleased to receive this news, engaged as they were in a pitched battle with a beast of two dozen heads, in the next village along. Righteousness and violence saw the beast slain, and our hero present at court touting, at this point, three dozen monster heads. Nevertheless, the Queen got right to the point: 'What have you done for us lately, adventurer? Even now a beast with three dozen heads plagues my people in the south, and the stench from its shaggy coat drives all mortals insane! Return to me when you have bested this beast!' So our guy, without promising anything, took a wander down around where the beast was and was startled to come upon it nonetheless. Three dozen heads, and all angry! A tremendous battle followed, and the ground was stained with blood and sweat. Exhausted, our hero chose to withdraw. However, a last snap from one of the beast's many heads provided opportunity and one of the monster's ears was severed and tucked into a backpack. Kneeling before the Queen, it was demanded of our hero how many heads were brought. 'None, my liege. I have only this piece of the beast.' 'Give it 'ere.'
|
|
#
?
Jan 18, 2024 02:18
|
|
|
OK, I'll bite. I've read it a few times, I can't find any puns, and it's not an acrostic. The words "shaggy" and "dog" are in there, but I can't fathom why. I don't get it. Dave Syndrome has a new favorite as of 12:57 on Jan 18, 2024 |
|
#
?
Jan 18, 2024 12:54
|
|
|
Dave Syndrome posted:OK, I'll bite. I don't get it. It's a really bad broken pun. "''Ere" and "ear" sound the same, which doesn't matter as the context only allows for one interpretation.
|
|
#
?
Jan 18, 2024 12:55
|
|
|
3D Megadoodoo posted:It's a really bad broken pun. "''Ere" and "ear" sound the same, which doesn't matter as the context only allows for one interpretation. That's as far as I got, but I thought surely that couldn't be the joke, since "Give it ear" doesn't even make sense grammatically. If that was indeed intended to be the punchline, it's truly terrible.
|
|
#
?
Jan 18, 2024 13:00
|
|
|
Nothing new there, then. Anyway: did you hear about the YouTuber who got bitten by a werewolf? He became a lycansubscribe.
|
|
#
?
Jan 18, 2024 13:14
|
|
|
The version I heard had the princess saying "What's this ear?" which feels like it works a bit better
|
|
#
?
Jan 18, 2024 14:19
|
|
|
Jedit posted:Anyway: did you hear about the YouTuber who got bitten by a werewolf? He became a lycansubscribe. sensiblechuckle.gif
|
|
#
?
Jan 18, 2024 14:54
|
|
|
I was at the hospital earlier when a man came into the ER. He told the doctors that he had stuck a plastic pony figure into his rectum. They examined him and found that he had actually stuck at least six of the figures up there. The good news is, he's stable.
|
|
#
?
Jan 19, 2024 02:18
|
|
|
Jedit posted:Nothing new there, then. Oh, very good 😁
|
|
#
?
Jan 19, 2024 10:23
|
|
|
Whybird posted:The version I heard had the princess saying "What's this ear?" which feels like it works a bit better 
|
|
#
?
Jan 19, 2024 13:14
|
|
|
|
| # ? Jun 11, 2024 02:46 |
|
|
I WRITE JOKES IN CAPITALS. THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN AMSTERDAM.
|
|
#
?
Jan 19, 2024 20:46
|
|
