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John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


Dwight sets the world record in Donkey Kong. Jim replaces his arcade board with an unofficial one from a sketchy supplier, then exposes this information about his arcade board on TwinGlaxies, calling Dwight's many world records in classic arcade games into question

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poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Dwight sets the world record in Donkey Kong. Jim replaces his arcade board with a high voltage direct current capacitor. The instant Dwight finishes the game, Jim flips an oversized switch, sending one million bolts through Dwight’s arms, killing him instantly and wiping the high score before it can be officially registered

Hatsune Mike
Oct 9, 2013

Dwight sets the world record in Donkey Kong. Jim is engulfed in jealousy, and after growing his hair out, records a video of his own playthrough toppling Dwight's score on a VHS tape that has sync problems and telltale quirks in the game's initial rendering of the pink girders on the first stage. Dwight recognizes the precise version of the emulator used to play a pirated copy of Donkey Kong on a computer, and raises concerns that the use of this emulator software may present a risk of dishonest play. However, Jim writes a nonsense rebuttal which misquotes technical specifications about the vertical scan rate of the Sharp CRT monitor that was used in the Donkey Kong machine, not understanding that the specified vertical refresh scan rate is an ideal center and the true rate output by the game hardware may vary within a range of tolerance, based on its design. A documentary is made that creatively covers these events. Jim mugs the camera for a reporter.

Merideth adjusts the CRT monitor's focus controls on the LOPT to produce a better image, but does not power off the machine or discharge the tube first using a discharge resistor with one hand safely behind her back. She does not go to the hospital because she is armed with domain knowledge and experience about what is and is not safe to touch when calibrating a CRT monitor

Hatsune Mike fucked around with this message at 01:30 on Jul 13, 2021

Nigmaetcetera
Nov 17, 2004

borkborkborkmorkmorkmork-gabbalooins
Jim inserts a soda stream into Dwight’s penis, inflating his scrotum grotesquely and killing Dwight with a gas embolism. Jim mugs for the camera.

Several hours later, in police custody, Jim realizes that would have been the perfect time to call Dwight balloon boy, but the moment has passed.

Nigmaetcetera fucked around with this message at 02:03 on Jul 13, 2021

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim fills Dwight's desk with urine.

Jim on break room cam:

"It took all night and I had to drink two gallons of water. Also lining all his drawers with trashbags took a while."

The camera focuses behind Jim's shoulder to Dwight wringing out his urine soaked belongings.

The camera focuses back on Jim, who smirks.

Upgrade
Jun 19, 2021



A sobbing Jim masturbates over Dwight's desk while most of the office watches in growing horror. Dwight stands off to the side, slowly shaking his head, while Pam stares vacantly at the wall, nodding to herself.

Dignity Van Houten
Jul 28, 2006

abcdefghijk
ELLAMENNO-P


Jim crawls under Dwight's desk and ties his shoelaces together into a knot and undoes his belt. Jim quietly crawls back to his own desk and stands up and yells "who let the dogs out?" Dwight snaps from his monitor and stands up quickly, because dogs aren't allowed in the building, but when he goes to take a step he falls over and a stack of papers goes flying into the air and Dwight's pants fall down, and Dwight gets diarrhea and rolls around in the diarrhea and gets it all over his clothes while he rolls on the ground screaming. Also Jim had put laxatives in the coffee earlier that morning.

Dignity Van Houten
Jul 28, 2006

abcdefghijk
ELLAMENNO-P


Jim changes the hyperlink in dwight's email signature to be goatse.cx

Upgrade
Jun 19, 2021



Jim legally changes Dwight's name to Dwidiot.

Dignity Van Houten
Jul 28, 2006

abcdefghijk
ELLAMENNO-P


Jim tapes a sign to the back of Dwight's car that says "it's my birthday honk to say hello"

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim tapes his foreskin to the back of Dwight's car.

Upgrade
Jun 19, 2021



After watching an episode of "Hung" on HBO Michael forces all the men in the office to measure their penises to establish who has "the biggest dick in the business park." Jim unzips his fly and a comically enormous dong flops out, easily ten feet long. Dwight starts crying and runs out of the office.

sexpig by night
Sep 8, 2011

by Azathoth
Jim does what Dwight is too much of a coward to do and has raw, passionate, sex with Michael in the break room in front of everyone

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3917502&pagenumber=13#post516174732 This didn't start out as a Jim prank but the title made it inevitable.

Gatto Grigio
Feb 9, 2020

After taking Jim’s advice to reject humanity, Dwight returns to monke, only to be left behind as the rest of the Scranton office advance to crab.

Meredith has to be taken to the vet.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Scranton is attacked by a giant kaiju, and there seems to be no hope for the city. That's when Jim announces that he has created a "Super Fighting Robot" that can fight the monster, but it requires 5 skilled pilots to each handle one part of the robot. He says that he planned for this moment and already has the pilots picked, if they're brave enough for the mission.

Enter the Super Office Fighting Team (SOFT). Kevin, piloting the Green Chili Bucket Robot. Pam, piloting the Pink Paintbrush Robot. Stanley, piloting the Black Crossword Puzzle Robot. Jim, piloting the Red Smug Face Robot. And Dwight, piloting the Green Beet Robot.

The super-machines rocket across Scranton, and Dwight leads the team in forming up into DUNDERTRON, a fusion of the 5 robots. Stanley, Jim, Pam, and Kevin find themselves inside the head of this powerful robot. Dwight, however, finds himself in pure darkness. There's the smell of sewage around him.

"Let's go, Super Office Fighting Team! Activating ultimate Rectal Laser blast!" says Jim, smugly.

Dwight hears motors warming up around him as a pink glow starts to appear around him. He desperately tries to find a way out of his cockpit, but he's locked in. It's getting incredibly hot and Dwight is pleading for Jim to let him out.

DUNDERTRON fires a massive pink laser from its hindquarters which levels half of Scranton. Dwight and his Beet Robot are vaporized in the blast.

"Alright team!" says Jim as fires begin to erupt on the ground around them. "Let's fire another shot, this time right at Schrute Farms!"

Kevin asks Jim why they aren't stopping the monster, and Jim just stares at him until the laser fires again.

Jim mugs for the camera as DUNDERTON and Korvaxx the Giant Slug destroy Scranton together.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Dwight falls in love with a beautiful mermaid who takes him to her home of Atlantis. The Atlanteans view this as the first step towards reconnecting with the surface world and sharing their incredible science and art. Dwight and the mermaid are married in a beautiful, secret, underwater ceremony.

When Dwight returns to Atlantis after a day at the office he finds the city covered in a black goo, all of the mermaids and mermen either dead or dying. Dwight screams out in anguish as his bride is among the dying. He holds her one last time as she tells him that the few survivors of Atlantis have already declared war on the surface and intend to flood the entire Earth in a final act of vengeance. Dwight kisses her goodbye and then swims to the war room, begging them to reconsider. The 6 remaining Atlanteans tell Dwight that this is the only recourse left, mankind has proven itself ill-equipped to handle the responsibility of living on Earth. It is time for another world-ending flood, and perhaps the next time around things will go better.

A heart broken and sullen Dwight swims to the surface where he sees Jim emptying out a coffee can filled with black goo into the water. When Dwight begs him to explain what the hell he's doing, Jim says this is where he always dumps his old lawnmower oil. "If you know a better place, I'd love to hear it." he adds. Jim dumps the last of the oil and Dwight can already see the sea level beginning to rise as the Atlantean machines redirect the heat of the Earth's core to begin melting the polar caps.

Jim smiles, smugly, at Dwight and says "Looks like we might get a little wet."

FilthyImp
Sep 30, 2002

Anime Deviant
Jim's latest office prank activates Human Instrumentality as a giant-translucent PAM hovers above the Earth and encases the world in menses-jello.

Dwight, connected to everyone, realizes that Jim's pranks were a manifestation of his love and respect for Dwight.

Out of the corner of his mind's eye, he realizes that Jim is there, mugging silently. Closing etherial eyes, Dwight can see darkness, a cacaphony of Jims bellowing "Hey Balloon Boy" and several grotesque mugging faces.

He awakens to an enormous half-rotted JIM head mugging the planet. A sea of jello beckons him with the knowledge that he is forever cast off of unity and everlasting life.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim paints a disturbing self-portrait of himself, arranges for it to be sent to Dwight, and then keels over dead.

Dwight feels obligated to hang the painting, but decides to put it in the basement. The grotesque version of Jim has lifeless eyes that seem to follow you, and the strange background is filled with all manner of ghouls, demons, and monsters.

That night, Dwight hears someone running around in the basement and heads down to investigate but finds nothing. Jim's painting stares at him as his flashlight passes over every nook and cranny of the basement.

The following night the same thing happens and Dwight is convinced he has some sort of animal infestation. He calls a professional to take a look, but they find nothing. However, while searching the basement they do discover black mold growing behind Jim's painting and urge Dwight to get it taken care of. Dwight moves the painting to his garage while the basement mold problem is dealt with.

The next day Dwight is awoken by his car's horn honking and sees the garage light is on. He rushes down there but again finds nothing. He heads back to try and get another half hour of sleep before work, but suddenly his car bursts into flames. The flames spread quickly and destroy most of the garage. Except, of course, for Jim's painting.

Worried that the painting might be bad luck, Dwight finally decides to destroy it. Tossing it into a large bonfire, Dwight watches as the 2 dimensional version of Jim burns away to nothing, staring lifelessly at Dwight the entire time. Dwight walks back into the house and is horrified to find wet paint on the floor. He quickly realizes they are footprints leading to his living room.

Sitting in the room is a strange humanoid figure. Dwight thinks he looks almost "unformed", as if he's just sculpted out of putty or clay. Dwight takes a step on a creaky floor board and the figure violently turns towards him, his lifeless eyes staring a hole in Dwight's soul.

Dwight utters a moan of terror as the resurrected Jim mugs for the camera.

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


Dwight says he always wished he could have been a power ranger, so Jim goes to the moon and touches the Zeo crystal, and because there is evil in his heart this causes his skin to flay off and becoming Lord Zedd, then travels back in time to attack Scranton Grove. Dwight is not recruited as a power ranger by Zordon, but Jim zaps him and turns him into a monster.

He turns to the camera but you cannot see him smirk behind his mask.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim drinks all of the coffee in the office, forcing Dwight to run out to Dunkin Donuts to get caffeinated. He's told that they're also out of coffee, as it was all purchased by "some smug guy with floppy hair".

Dwight gets a similar reply at Sheetz, Wawa, Starbucks, McDonald's, Burger King, and even the local grocery store. Giving up, Dwight returns to work and intends to power through.

However, when he gets there he finds Jim vibrating at a high frequency.

"Heyyyyyyyy DWIGHT I can sseeeeee THROUGH tiiiiiiime now, buuuuuuuuuuuuddy. It'sssssss all sssssssooo clear now." He says before vibrating out of existence.

Dwight suddenly remembers a strange event from his childhood, where a man seemed to stare at him (smugly) from outside his window. When young Dwight tried to get a closer look, the man disappeared.

Simultaneously, an 83 year old Dwight sees Jim vibrate past him at a grocery store for a moment, then blink out of existence again. The elderly Dwight doesn't notice the "KICK ME" sign that has been planted on his back. And the young Dwight doesn't see the rattlesnake that's been placed in his bed.

Modern Dwight suddenly discovers his entire desk has been encased in Jell-O as Jim masters the timestream and directs his entire god-like power towards pranking Dwight.

Dwight lets out a prayer he barely remembers from childhood as the entity once known as Jim Halpert puts ex-lax in the food of seven million different (but still the same) Dwights all along the timestream.

Modern Dwight is making GBS threads his pants, will poo poo his pants, and has poo poo his pants. Forever.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim puts a piece of tape on Dwight's optical mouse so it doesn't work, causing Dwight a few moments of annoyance before he figures it out. Jim mugs for the camera as Dwight struggles to get the tape off his finger.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim breaks into Dwight's house and steals all his belongings and sells them to a fence in downtown Scranton. He gives Dwight a trashbag full of nickels to buy his stuff back.

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

jim just goes absolutely apeshit on dwight's rear end

Upgrade
Jun 19, 2021



One night while Dwight is asleep Jim sneaks into his bedroom and implants a subliminal compulsion to poo poo his pants when he hears a specific sound in Dwight's mind. The next day Jim reprograms the ringtone of every person's phone to that sound: Cosby rambling about Jello.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim starts calling Dwight “balloon boy.” Every time Jim calls Dwight balloon boy, Dwight shits his pants.

Dwight can’t figure out how Jim is doing it.

“I put a remote-controlled balloon in his colon,” Jim explains smugly to the camera.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim steals Dwight’s wallet and swallows it whole like a duck gulping down a fish.

Nigmaetcetera
Nov 17, 2004

borkborkborkmorkmorkmork-gabbalooins
Angela goes down on Dwight for his birthday, but as he finishes his climax she pulls off her wig, revealing floppy brown hair, and a smirking, semen-filled mouth. You see, Angela had never existed at all. In fact, the entire Dunder-Mifflin staff was just Dwight, Creed, Jim, and Jim's many hilarious improv characters, like "Michael" and "Kelly".

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim watches the movie "Inception" for the first time and won't shut up about it. All day long, he just keeps talking about the "incredible filmmaking" and "the depth of the storytelling".

Dwight tells Jim that it's a good movie, but it's been out for over a decade and Jim needs to focus on his job. Jim still just keeps talking about Inception, going so far as to say that it's inspired him to become a filmmaker. "That's fine, whatever" mumbles Dwight as he handles another dozen emails from people asking where Jim is.

That night, Dwight is awoken by floodlights streaming into his house. He rushes out into his beet field and finds Jim and a camera crew. Dwight demands to know what's going on, and Jim explains that he's following his lifelong dream and filming a movie. When Dwight asks where the permit is, Jim stares at him blankly and then goes right back to filming.

The next day Jim won't shut the gently caress up about the book Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. He says it's the best book he's ever read and now he's going to become a novelist. When Dwight asks what happened to the movie he was so excited about last night, Jim says that was "a different Jim". Dwight dismisses this as a joke as Jim smiles smugly for the camera, while another Jim desperately attempts to edit his film into a coherent narrative.

Cowslips Warren
Oct 29, 2005

What use had they for tricks and cunning, living in the enemy's warren and paying his price?

Grimey Drawer
Not to break the tide, but overheard a customer the other day ranting and raving that another full lockdown was coming because in August all the "government handouts are going to stop and people still don't want to work.".

And saw a car at a retirement community yesterday with a life-size Trump sticker plastered on the passenger window so look the so you were driving with Trump everywhere you went.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Cowslips Warren posted:

Not to break the tide, but overheard a customer the other day ranting and raving that another full lockdown was coming because in August all the "government handouts are going to stop and people still don't want to work.".

And saw a car at a retirement community yesterday with a life-size Trump sticker plastered on the passenger window so look the so you were driving with Trump everywhere you went.

Jim distracts Dwight so he posts in the wrong thread on his favorite beet-based message board.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim plastered a life-size Trump sticker on the passenger window of his car so it looked like he is driving with Trump everywhere he went. Dwight, although a lifelong conservative, has serious objections to the disgraced former president, and is mildly miffed every time he sees the car.

SuperMechagodzilla
Jun 9, 2007

NEWT REBORN
Inside the featureless white room of the alien craft, Dwight is preparing himself to serve as humanity's unofficial ambassador. "Hello, friends. Do you understand my words? I am known as Dwight Schrute, and I produce 'beets' - a type of food for my people." Dwight tries out different introductions, while Jim keeps nudging him obnoxiously and interrupting him with speculation about "the probes". Of all the people in the world to be abducted with, of course it just had to be Jim....

Unaware of how he got there, Dwight is now in what he understands as 'the medical room'. He doesn't recall using any door, or leaving Jim behind. Two Greys enter from the periphery of Dwight's vision. They may be about four feet tall, but it's impossible to estimate their height without being able to look down at their feet. In fact, Dwight finds that he cannot move his head at all. He attempts to speak his rehearsed introduction but, though his mouth moves slightly, no sound can be produced.

Dwight feels as though he should be panicking, but even that response is dulled. I am Dwight Schrute, producer of a type of food, a beet, a reddish root vegetable, grown in the earth of our world. Green leaves, the farmhouse, loyal Mose.... Dwight's mind wanders, as the Greys continue to stare with massive eyes. Dwight understands these two as 'the nurses', though he doesn't know why, and Jim's moronic "probe" comments suddenly flash into his mind. One of 'the nurses' turns its head just slightly, and the two are no longer there.

Dwight is increasingly convinced that this is not a first contact - that he's been here before, and done this before. Lights outside the farmhouse. Mose whimpering in the kitchen. Dwight is on the table now, or what might be a table. The idea of a table. Sensations not working properly. Grey hands remove his tie, then his shoes.... Dwight understands them as having fingers but, even as he watches the nurse examine his necktie, he cannot perceive anything like knuckles or fingernails. The nurse holds Dwight's jaw open and leans in close, to examine the metal fillings in his molars. You already know about those, silly. You've already seen my teeth. Dwight isn't really bothering to control his thoughts at this point. The eyes are so close that their darkness seems infinite.

The teeth are important to us.

Oh, okay.

The teeth will not bother you.

Right, sure.

Dwight feels like he would laugh, if he could, then wonders why this is funny to him.

The tall one is here now, the one Dwight understands as 'the doctor'. He has about two feet more height than the smaller Greys on either side. His stare is somehow more intense. The smaller ones remain as expressionless as ever, but now seem more formal, even nervous. I always hate this part. Dwight catches himself in the thought. What part? What's going to happen? The doctor approaches the table - the idea of a table - and produces the idea of a box. It is a matte black, as featureless as anything else, with no discernable corners or edges. The doctor holds it open for Dwight to see.

The object is oblong, metallic. Sleek, and so shiny that it appears even wet. It is wet. Dwight notes with faint alarm that the object is coated in a thick, transparent jelly. Like a lubricant. Dwight suddenly remembers Jim's words, and manages to let out an audible sigh.

Ugh, Jesus Christ, Dwight. It's a stapler. You know, for holding papers together? It was supposed to be a gift.

Stapler?

The little guys worked really hard on this. We even put it in Jell-o for you, and you were thinking to put it up your rear end?

Wait, but, I thought....

Man, we know what you thought. Look, I'm sorry, but we can't give you the World Peace Equation until you get your act together.

Dwight awakes back at his desk, at work, disoriented. Nobody seems to have noticed anything. Dwight checks the clock on his desktop and, though it felt like days had passed in the ship, it's only been about 22 minutes.

In the interview segment, Jim whistles the Twilight Zone theme.

SuperMechagodzilla fucked around with this message at 16:50 on Jul 14, 2021

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim shows up to work with a huge trophy that he displays on his desk, constantly adjusting it. Dwight finally decides to humor Jim and asks him what it's for. Jim explains that he was voted "The most beautiful man in Scranton" by a "scientific poll of experts". Dwight nods and lets out a sound of agreement, hoping to move on past this annoyance.

Unfortunately, that's not enough for Jim, who starts strutting around the office as if he's on the catwalk. This behavior gets worse the next day, as Jim shows up in short-shorts and a sequined vest, along with a golden necklace that says "I'M THAT BITCH" in diamonds.

Dwight just rolls with this, telling himself that this is relatively harmless for Jim, until Jim begins a series of vicious personal attacks against other members of the office. The final straw comes when Jim leaves Pam in tears after telling her that he should "call up the purse girl again, she probably has the correct facial shape for me", prompting Dwight to stand up for the office. Jim dismisses him as "an ugloid", so Dwight agrees to enter a beauty contest, beat Jim, and shut him up for good.

Michael offers to give Dwight a makeover but he refuses, saying that he truly believes inner beauty will always beat superficial outer beauty.

The day of the beauty contest comes and Dwight's confidence shines through. He may have a few extra pounds, some blemishes on his skin, and a cheap haircut. But none of that matters when he smiles the kind of smile that only a man truly confident in himself can. The judges give him a perfect score and he handily beats Jim who, although physically beautiful, gives off an eerie aura that repels most people.

Dwight donates the prize money to charity and returns to the office, content that Jim will have learned an important lesson. Instead, he finds Jim smashing every mirror in the office (there's only 2) while muttering "Ugly, I'm so ugly." Dwight finally decides to ignore him completely.

Unfortunately for Dwight, Jim releases a powerful Arch-Demon that had been trapped in one of the mirrors, causing the demon to wreak havoc across the Earth.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Jim traps Dwight inside Donkey Kong.

Like, literally locks him inside the arcade cabinet over the weekend.

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

Jim traps Dwight inside Donkey Kong.

Like, literally surgically opens up a gorilla and installs the luckless beet farmer in a living, screaming prison.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Jim hires a full orchestra to sit in the office and provide a soundtrack throughout the day. Although originally skeptical, Dwight grows to love the addition as he feels it adds a touch of culture to the office.

Dwight walks up to Pam to drop off some outgoing mail, accompanied by a sweeping violin solo. Suddenly, he hears an ominous rumble from the percussion section and turns around to see Jim with an angry look on his face. The music swells as Jim stands up and marches over to Dwight, each footstep punctuated by a pluck of violin strings.

Jim gives Dwight the finger (a single note from a lone piccolo marks this) and then stomps out the door to a beautiful flourish from the woodwind section.

The rest of the day goes off without a hitch, until Dwight is driving home and starts to hear orchestra music again. He checks his mirrors and sees Jim driving a flatbed truck with the full orchestra loaded up. Jim runs Dwight off the road as a mournful tuba solo plays, then zooms down the road to a cheery upbeat tune.

Dwight checks the damage to his car and sighs as a smug Jim mugs for the camera to the theme from "The Office".

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Michael declares Friday to be "Fun Food Friday" and asks everyone to bring in a dish that they cooked. The event is a huge hit, although people seem a little nervous about two particular dishes - Dwight's and Jim's.

Dwight says that his food might look a little weird, but it's an old family recipe for Beetloaf that's been passed down for hundreds of years. Michael, always one to take a risk, takes a bite and declares it to be "Like an orgasm in my mouth, spraying everywhere". Kevin excitedly grabs a bite and agrees, saying it's "The best organism I've ever eaten".

Meredith looks at Jim's food and asks what it is. He looks distracted and just mutters "I dunno, it's food, what the hell do you want me to say?" and then knocks over a chair.

Michael says that if Dwight's food was that good, then Jim's dish must be like "a gangbang in my mouth, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID" and sticks a fork in the pulsating, green goo. As soon as he does, a tendril launches from the plate and wraps itself around Michael's face, suffocating him. The rest of the office rushes to help but are quickly overwhelmed by the monstrous food, which quickly grows into a room-sized green blob.

Dwight is able to free himself and rushes to his desk to grab a machete, only to find a sullen Pam standing there with his weapons. She tosses them aside, says that she's sorry, and then pushes Dwight into the goo. Dwight looks around and sees Michael is practically just a skeleton at this point, and the rest of his coworkers are in similar states of decomposition. Dwight readies himself for death and gets one last look at Jim, who is smiling smugly at the camera and taking a bite of the Beetloaf.

"Actually, Dwight, this is good! Really good!"

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Jim traps Dwight inside Donkey Kong.

Dwight awakens to find himself in the industrial steel frame of a skyscraper. He looks up, hearing Angela screaming for help. Jim has tied her up and carried her away. Dwight immediately springs to her rescue, when he suddenly hears an ominous sounds. Rumbling. Looking back up, he sees Jim throwing barrels down at him.

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A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Corporate has a new team-building exercise for the office, and everyone is in the conference room to participate.

Michael puts a bunch of fake gold coins on the table, then begins to read the instructions from corporate, which explain that the team should view themselves as "treasure hunters" and decide what to do with the gold they've discovered. It's an infantilized way to teach people about budgeting, but Dwight is excited about the free lunch provided and the fact that Jim appears to be focused for the first time in several years.

Suddenly, Jim pulls a pirate cutlass from his belt and holds it up to Michael's neck.

"I'll be takin' this treasure, ye scurvy dogs. Me and my jolly crew!"

Jim scoops the plastic coins into a burlap bag and kicks out a window. A parrot flies in and lands on his shoulder.

"Ahh, Pretty Polly! If any of ye landlubbers be thinking of being a hero, just remember what happened to dear ol' Dwight."

With that, Jim stabs Dwight in the chest with the cutlass and then leaps out the window, splattering on the parking lot. The parrot flies off, never to be seen again.

Dwight receives medical attention and survives, but takes a month off work to deal with the emotional stress. Nobody can explain why Jim acted the way he did, and Pam just mentions that he had been "watching a lot of pirate movies lately".

Years later, Dwight is walking along the shores of Lake Erie and sees a beautiful wooden ship sail past. It even has a flag with a skull and crossbones, and Dwight thinks it might be fun to sail on a "replica" pirate ship. Suddenly the skull moves, winks at Dwight, and then mugs for the camera. Dwight screams and runs off.

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