Joven

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Joven

The Bloop: Jul 5, 2004; by Fluffdaddy

Big Beef City posted:

Boring.
I want to see Joven fight a polar bear god dammit. That's why they have numbers

No, I think Joven does fight the polar bear

It's just that he doesn't just poof into existence during a duel like on Yu-Gi-Oh

# ? Mar 15, 2022 02:00

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# ? Jun 10, 2024 02:26

Milo and POTUS: Sep 3, 2017; I will not shut up about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talk about them all the time and work them into every conversation I have. I built a shrine in my room for the yellow one who died because sadly no one noticed because she died around 9/11. Wanna see it?

The polar bear is inside him

# ? Mar 15, 2022 02:20

Pastel Candy Snake: Sep 6, 2018; by Hand Knit

Inside you are two polar bears.

And also Joven.

# ? Mar 15, 2022 02:21

Who What Now: Sep 10, 2006; by Azathoth

Joven could have at least bought me dinner first

# ? Mar 15, 2022 02:37

Pug Rodeo: Feb 20, 2007; BRING IT ON BRING IT ON YEAH

# ? Mar 15, 2022 02:43

Vim Fuego: Jun 1, 2000; Can't post for 4 hours!; Ultra Carp

Pug Rodeo posted:

It's their best album

# ? Mar 15, 2022 02:50

Brother Tadger: Feb 15, 2012; I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!

Pug Rodeo posted:

# ? Mar 15, 2022 05:05

Toph Bei Fong: Feb 29, 2008

These are about as close as one can get to the "word of god" on how a MTG game would look from the perspective of the participants:

Richard Garfield posted:

Worzel felt the telltale prickling at the back of her neck; her domain was being challenged! It�s someone old, she thought. Someone I know� Thomil! It had been a long time since he had challenged her. Quickly, she called her vassals into action. She would need much mana for this duel, much indeed.

The last time Worzel fought with Thomil, he had focused on the destructive magic of the mountains. It had been a close fight; she still saw in her nightmares the brigade of firebreathers that had pushed her to the brink of submission. Since then, Worzel had learned from a specialist in white magic that there were ways to protect herself from the raw force Thomil loved. Unfortunately, the white magician had been unwilling to part with the knowledge in exchange for her offered artifact; she had been forced to coerce it out of him in other, more violent ways. It took a while, but she was a far more experienced duelist than he, and in time he was forced to yield what she sought.

Worzel soon found that gathering the proper mana for her protective spells was going to be difficult. She needed the mana of the countryside, and disturbances in the ether were preventing her from making the necessary psychic bonds to any of those lands. She had precious little to draw on in the first place, so it could take a while before she managed to get a link to the plains. Just having the knowledge to protect yourself isn�t enough, she thought. Well, let�s see if I can�t stall him with my friends of the forest in the meantime.

Worzel resisted the temptation to invest herself in blue magic, in case the rumor that Thomil had taken to raising serpents had any truth. Now she began to regret the loss of the Glasses of Urza, which might have given her some clue where the focus of his attack would be.

Thomil countered her creatures with a legion of undead. Black magic, she thought. Thomil! I wouldn�t have expected that from you. Thomil had always enjoyed displays of pure power, but she had regarded him as a relatively clean fighter. At least, cleaner than most.

A sudden sense of horror came over Worzel as she felt a large drain on the mana plane� an enormous drain, accompanied by a stink of sulfur and the grave. Something big was coming.

Learned some new tricks since we last met, eh? muttered Worzel, under her breath. Well, so have I, dear Thomil, so have I.

It was going to be a tough fight.

# ? Mar 15, 2022 05:06

Zero VGS: Aug 16, 2002; ASK ME ABOUT HOW HUMAN LIVES THAT MADE VIDEO GAME CONTROLLERS ARE WORTH MORE; Lipstick Apathy

Who What Now posted:

Now Planeswalkers are lame dipshits who are just moderately powerful wizards who are good at teleporting across dimensions with dumb names like "Arzakon", "Emberek" or "Jace".

You rang?

# ? Mar 15, 2022 07:44

BasicLich: Oct 22, 2020; A very smart little mouse!

MTG has gone in strange directions since I quit playing, among the most distressing was the apparent inclusion of Godzilla of all properties into MTG

I finally googled wtf those Godzilla cards they printed were so I could talk about them without sounding like Andy Rooney and it feels like these are magic cards wearing godzilla halloween costumes

the words circled in red here is the actual card, and frankly i'm very nonplussed at this revelation. I feel like just bringing Godzilla into MTG was somehow less insulting than this fa�ade.

# ? Mar 15, 2022 08:03

Zero VGS: Aug 16, 2002; ASK ME ABOUT HOW HUMAN LIVES THAT MADE VIDEO GAME CONTROLLERS ARE WORTH MORE; Lipstick Apathy

It was a way to just do a fun art-swap for cards without affecting any functionality. I fuckin' love playing with Mechagodzilla and Dorat.

Here's a fun one, Wizards shipped a few of this card right before Covid struck, and they had to recall them all and cancel the digital versions:

They canceled Death Corona in a set that happened to have cards named "Bushmeat Poacher" and "Gloom Pangolin", mind you.

More recently they did a Bram Stoker variation on the Vampire set:

https://articles.starcitygames.com/news/innistrad-crimson-vow-to-feature-dracula-series-cards/

Zero VGS fucked around with this message at 09:33 on Mar 15, 2022

# ? Mar 15, 2022 09:28

BasicLich: Oct 22, 2020; A very smart little mouse!

Zero VGS posted:

They canceled Death Corona in a set that happened to have cards named "Bushmeat Poacher" and "Gloom Pangolin", mind you.

what in the

# ? Mar 15, 2022 09:36

obithrawn: Apr 22, 2003

the Godzilla lands rule

but then also there was some Walking Dead tie-in that I think had unique planeswalker or creature cards that were unique and legal in some formats and people lost their poo poo, MaRo has said a few times on his QA thing since that they aren't looking to do those again.

# ? Mar 15, 2022 09:41

BasicLich: Oct 22, 2020; A very smart little mouse!

wait can we go back to the asian pangolin bushmeat thing featuring a card called "Death Corona" that almost coincided with the start of a 2 year long pandemic, I feel like we should at least have a moment of silence for how monumentally insane that is

# ? Mar 15, 2022 09:48

Milo and POTUS: Sep 3, 2017; I will not shut up about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talk about them all the time and work them into every conversation I have. I built a shrine in my room for the yellow one who died because sadly no one noticed because she died around 9/11. Wanna see it?

Zero VGS posted:

You rang?

In the mtg multiverse, nuRock never died

# ? Mar 15, 2022 13:37

Milo and POTUS: Sep 3, 2017; I will not shut up about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talk about them all the time and work them into every conversation I have. I built a shrine in my room for the yellow one who died because sadly no one noticed because she died around 9/11. Wanna see it?

obithrawn posted:

the Godzilla lands rule

but then also there was some Walking Dead tie-in that I think had unique planeswalker or creature cards that were unique and legal in some formats and people lost their poo poo, MaRo has said a few times on his QA thing since that they aren't looking to do those again.

The lands actually do look decent which is funny because I loving hate the look of new cards.

# ? Mar 15, 2022 13:41

Runaway Trashbot: Mar 13, 2022; by Games Forum

Hello

# ? Mar 15, 2022 13:48

Extra Large Marge: Jan 21, 2004; Fun Shoe

Good flavor texts

# ? Mar 15, 2022 14:31

BAGS FLY AT NOON: Apr 6, 2011; A Soft Nylon Bag

Extra Large Marge posted:

So does it have to be an existing card, or can you just make something up?

# ? Mar 15, 2022 15:02

A Strange Aeon: Mar 26, 2010; You are now a slimy little toad; The Great Twist

Unglued and Unhinged (?) and that one tournament where wotc bought tons of out of print cards off the secondary market to include them in prerelease booster drafts of the time cycle honestly bought so much goodwill that I can't really be upset with them, even if the business model ultimately seems suspect and predatory.

Compared to the current model of free to play phone games and in app transactions, loot boxes and a million product lines for kids that involve buying something blind where the entire thrill seems to be in opening it, the Magic model seems almost quaint.

# ? Mar 15, 2022 15:29

Extra Large Marge: Jan 21, 2004; Fun Shoe

BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:

So does it have to be an existing card, or can you just make something up?

This is from the goofball sets (Unglued and Unhinged). They're not tournament legal, but they are very useful for annoying your friends.

I haven't played in years, looks like the newest set is based around neon cyberpunk ninjas.

# ? Mar 15, 2022 15:48

Iron Crowned: May 6, 2003; by Hand Knit

Extra Large Marge posted:

I haven't played in years, looks like the newest set is based around neon cyberpunk ninjas.

My friend got me playing Arena a couple weeks ago, and there are mechas too.

# ? Mar 15, 2022 15:54

bigperm: Jul 10, 2001; some obscure reference

The current set is really good. The full art lands are probably my favorite so far.

Also features Voltron:

# ? Mar 15, 2022 19:36

BasicLich: Oct 22, 2020; A very smart little mouse!

WOTC is in the hot seat at the moment.

published yesterday was some store guidelines about how to fancy up a prerelease/release event:

https://wpn.wizards.com/en/article/boost-store-play-unique-event-ideas

the article posted:

Make Your Own Halo

Halo is the magical substance that rules the criminal underworld in New Capenna, sought after by all for its magic-enhancing qualities. It comes in many forms, such as crystals, liquids, and vapors, and you may consider adding your own to your in-store events.

You might present this ethereal substance by adding stones or crystals as part of your decorations�but if you'd rather serve it as a snack or beverage, you can get creative by using treats like rock candy or a fruity punch.

Remember, please do not serve in beverageware commonly associated with alcoholic beverages (i.e., martini glasses). Remember, Magic is for all ages and everyone should feel welcome!

this is basically the equivalent of candy cigarettes. yawn.

Then there's also the war profiteering scandal WRT Ukraine:

https://www.wargamer.com/dnd/charity-bundle-backlash

the article posted:

Head of Dungeons and Dragons and game designer Ray Winninger tweeted in response to the charity bundles� announcement a few hours later, saying �we (WotC) didn�t know anything about these charity bundles. We�ll work with DMs Guild on this.�

This is not the place for discussion about the war itself but rather this recent controversy, so I'll get back to that last controversy.

The fictional realm of New Capenna is ruled by 5 families of Demons. You know who else had 5 families ruling over a drugged up fantasy world? That's right, the Mafia in NYC.

It's anti italian discrimination.

# ? Mar 16, 2022 04:33

BasicLich: Oct 22, 2020; A very smart little mouse!

damnit sorry, clip

BasicLich fucked around with this message at 10:35 on Mar 16, 2022

# ? Mar 16, 2022 10:30

Knot My President!: Jan 10, 2005

# ? Mar 17, 2022 02:09

BAGS FLY AT NOON: Apr 6, 2011; A Soft Nylon Bag

Knot My President! posted:

# ? Mar 17, 2022 02:21

Junk: Dec 20, 2003; Listen to reason, man. Why make your job difficult?

Knot My President! posted:

lmao

edit: pastor joven

# ? Mar 17, 2022 02:46

The Bloop: Jul 5, 2004; by Fluffdaddy

Knot My President! posted:

# ? Mar 17, 2022 02:49

Vim Fuego: Jun 1, 2000; Can't post for 4 hours!; Ultra Carp

Knot My President! posted:

# ? Mar 17, 2022 02:53

Devils Affricate: Jan 22, 2010

Knot My President! posted:

Joven casts Sleight of Hand!

# ? Mar 17, 2022 03:01

deadking: Apr 13, 2006; Hello? Charlemagne?!

Knot My President! posted:

lol

# ? Mar 17, 2022 03:27

Junk: Dec 20, 2003; Listen to reason, man. Why make your job difficult?

Knot My President! posted:

lol

# ? Mar 17, 2022 04:24

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

TOVA TOVA TOVA

Just thinking about 2/3 creatures and how Joven would win in a fight every time against a cloud elemental or a minotaur

# ? Mar 17, 2022 05:36

Milo and POTUS: Sep 3, 2017; I will not shut up about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talk about them all the time and work them into every conversation I have. I built a shrine in my room for the yellow one who died because sadly no one noticed because she died around 9/11. Wanna see it?

That's what makes him a legend

# ? Mar 17, 2022 07:03

H.P. Hovercraft: Jan 12, 2004; one thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse; Slippery Tilde

Radio Paranoia posted:

poor bam looks terrible

# ? Mar 17, 2022 07:46

strange feelings re Daisy: Aug 2, 2000

Pastel Candy Snake posted:

-If your car breaks down Joven will give you a jump or a lift into town because he's a standup guy
-Joven likes microbrews but he's not snobby about it and has no problem drinking domestic beers
-Joven is a tattoo artist but he earns a little money on the side as an amateur leatherworker and blacksmith
-Joven plays in a heavy metal cover band at Snarg's once a week
-The whole thief and artifact destroyer thing is an exaggeration. He only got blackout drunk, trashed a hotel room, and walked out with the telephone twice

Knot My President! posted:

That is so Joven

# ? Mar 17, 2022 08:11

BasicLich: Oct 22, 2020; A very smart little mouse!

Before I so rudely interrupted this thread we were just getting into the concept of combo decks in the early MTG metagame, please think of this as episode two of what I'm calling Better Know a Degenerate Combo Deck

Up for discussion today is the Recurring Nightmare deck:

This is a rare treat because it is essentially a creature-based combo deck. These two enchantments power the combo, but its the creatures that do the dirty work. This is a very fun deck because the creatures force you to interact with the opponent's deck instead of bulldozing them with some spell that outright kills an opponent with one X mana cost spell like Fireball or Drain Life. you're going to see a lot of X mana cost spells winning in combo decks as I go through them

How it works is you use all your spare mana from turn to turn to fill your graveyard with useful creatures via Survival of the Fittest there, and then bring them back over and over again to disrupt your opponents playstyle and eventually overwhelm them, or, if you can, just kill them with this bad boi:

The Recurring Nightmare deck is unique for a lot of reasons. It's a combo-control deck that runs all 5 colors, it plays a bunch of one-of creatures, and more than that it could be described as a "The Deck" archetype that uses creatures as "Silver Bullets" instead of artifacts, enchantments, sorceries, instants etc.

I'm going to try not to take up any more space with this post but I'll leave you with this:

Brian Selden won the 1998 World Championship with this deck and this card was maindecked:

e: oh I should mention that because this is a graveyard-based creature combo deck, it can easily overwhelm counterspell heavy blue decks. All you need to do is keep playing creatures until they run out of counterspells and by that point, you now have a graveyard full of useful poo poo

BasicLich fucked around with this message at 08:36 on Mar 17, 2022

# ? Mar 17, 2022 08:11

H.P. Hovercraft: Jan 12, 2004; one thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse; Slippery Tilde

Vim Fuego posted:

Good luck figuring out the Star Trek one

# ? Mar 17, 2022 08:13

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# ? Jun 10, 2024 02:26

Zero VGS: Aug 16, 2002; ASK ME ABOUT HOW HUMAN LIVES THAT MADE VIDEO GAME CONTROLLERS ARE WORTH MORE; Lipstick Apathy

H.P. Hovercraft posted:

I like to think "Shirtless Kirk (tm)" was actually trademarked at the USPTO and not just Kirk

# ? Mar 17, 2022 08:39

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