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Snapchat A Titty posted:It's-a me, Mario! Splicer posted:Banned Paladinus posted:Whos there who? who
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Feb 5, 2016 01:25
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Hogge Wild posted:
If you say "Banned who Spallet" turn to page 86
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Feb 5, 2016 01:29
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Splicer posted:if you say "It's pronounced bandeau" turn to page 85  
Anil Dikshit has a new favorite as of 01:35 on Feb 5, 2016 |
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Feb 5, 2016 01:33
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I seriously thought that Modern Family had made up that band, mostly because I'd never heard their name (but later, learned that I knew 2-3 of their songs), but also because Ed Norton was a band member in that episode. And I was born in 83. I have no excuse 
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Feb 5, 2016 01:40
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Aren't you glad I didn't say I'm-a Luigi, number one!!!!
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Feb 5, 2016 01:57
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Rupert Buttermilk posted:I seriously thought that Modern Family had made up that band, mostly because I'd never heard their name (but later, learned that I knew 2-3 of their songs), but also because Ed Norton was a band member in that episode. Yeah, I love that they got him for that.
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Feb 5, 2016 02:18
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A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?
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Feb 23, 2016 23:13
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Him posted:A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish? I don't get it.
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Feb 24, 2016 02:36
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Rupert Buttermilk posted:I don't get it. Now there is no evidence of the fisherman's crimes. It's his word versus that of the game warden.
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Feb 24, 2016 02:46
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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse go to see a marriage counselor. The counselor says to Mickey "I don't see why you want to divorce Minnie just because she's a little silly." Mickey says "I didn't say she's a little silly, I said she's loving Goofy!"
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Feb 24, 2016 02:53
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1redflag posted:Now there is no evidence of the fisherman's crimes. It's his word versus that of the game warden. Well, and the dead fish floating on the lake.
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Feb 24, 2016 03:24
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1redflag posted:Now there is no evidence of the fisherman's crimes. It's his word versus that of the game warden. Honestly, I thought about that, but figured 'No, there has to be something else I'm missing that actually makes it funny." Guess not 
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Feb 24, 2016 03:31
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qntm posted:Well, and the dead fish floating on the lake. Generally you keep the fish alive as long as you can, so they don't spoil between you catching them and cleaning them. Hooks through the mouth aren't quite as fatal as you would think.
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Feb 24, 2016 08:43
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Minarch posted:Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse go to see a marriage counselor. The counselor says to Mickey "I don't see why you want to divorce Minnie just because she's a little silly." Classic. Heard this in sixth grade and thought it was the funniest joke. Still kills, too.
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Feb 26, 2016 01:07
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Police officer walking through a city park on his night beat. Spots a car parked along a sidewalk, windows fogged up. Officer goes to investigate, and sees a young man in the front seat, and a girl in the back. He taps on the window with his flashlight, the young man rolls down the window. "What's going on here?" the officer asks. Young man turns down the radio and replies "Nothing, just enjoying a night out". Officer looks in the back seat and sees the girl starting to unbutton her pants. Looks back at the young man, "How old are you two kids?" "Me?" the young man says "I'm 24". "And her?" The young man looks at his watch "She'll be 18 in about five minutes".
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Feb 29, 2016 17:52
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An old man had a dog, which was his best friend. One day the dog died of old age and the geezer, who was very attached to it, went and asked the rabbi to give it a decent appropriate funeral and read the Kaddish over it. The rabbi looked at him with amazement and said "Sir, you only read Kaddish over dead Jews, not animals. but if its so important to you, there's a reform synagogue down the street that might do it for you." "Do you think they'll accept a $100,000 donation in the memory of my dog?" asked the old guy. The rabbi looked at him and said "$100,000 donation!? Why didn't you tell me the dog was Jewish?!"
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Feb 29, 2016 18:05
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A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise. Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells, "Abandon ship! Women and children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw the children." The Priest then replies, "Do we have time for that?"
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Feb 29, 2016 18:12
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An old man goes into the church and heads straight for the confessional. He sits down, the priest slides open the window, and asks him to begin. "Father," he says, "it's be a very long time since I last confessed, and I have a heavy burden." The priest tells him to continue. The old man sighs and starts his story, "Back in World War 2, I was living in Germany, and one day a beautiful young girl comes running up to me and tells me the Nazis are after her. So, I hid her in my attic. Every day, I'd make sure she wasn't captured by the Nazis. Eventually, she started to repay my kindness with sexual favors." The priest comments at this point, "My son, that war made sinners of of all. Understand you are forgiven." "Thank you, Father," says the old man, "but I have one question." "And what is that?" asks the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Feb 29, 2016 18:22
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Three old men were hanging out in a park on a Caribbean island. As they sst on a bench and fed some birds they started to reminisce about their lives. The first one says "Yeah I ran a steel factory for 50 years. Things were great most of the time. We made top-quality steel that everybody wanted but then times go hard, profits started to fall, and it looked like we couldn't keep operating. Next thing I knew the pipes all burst, the place flooded, and it was declared unsalvageable. So I collected insurance, sold the rest of the company, rounded up all my savings, and retired here." The second one says "Yeah tell me about it. I ran a parts factory for 55 years. It was amazing but then the kinds of parts we made weren't as popular. Times got hard and we had to lay off a lot of good people. Profits started to sink. Next thing I knew the place burned down so I collected insurance money, rounded up the rest of my savings, sold the land, and retired here." The third one says "Sounds like what I went through. I ran a jewelry factory for 45 years. Profits were wild! Then styles changed, gold got expensive, and we were having trouble just keeping the lights on. Next thing I knew a hurricane hit and leveled the place so I collected the insurance, rounded up the last of my savings, sold the land, and retired here." The other two looked at each other in confusion then back at the third man before the first man piped up and asked "how the gently caress did you cause a hurricane?"
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Feb 29, 2016 18:25
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qntm posted:Well, and the dead fish floating on the lake. So what did you think "catch and release" fishing entailed, and why would you put dead fish in a bucket instead of a cooler? I'm actually curious.
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Feb 29, 2016 20:47
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Him posted:An old man goes into the church and heads straight for the confessional. He sits down, the priest slides open the window, and asks him to begin. "Father," he says, "it's be a very long time since I last confessed, and I have a heavy burden." The priest tells him to continue. Same church. Same confessional. Different old man. He sits down, the priest slides open the window, and asks him to begin. "Father," he says, "I have sinned. It was my sixtieth birthday last night. I was celebrating quietly in the pub with my friends, when suddenly a hen party came in. They pretty much took over the whole place, and were laughing away. I don't know whether they were drunk or on a dare or what, but they started flirting with some of us old codgers. Well, I used to be quite charming in my younger days, and looking back at sixty years of my life, I figured: why the hell not? So I started laying it on thick, and I couldn't believe it. This gorgeous blonde -- she couldn't have been a day over twenty-five -- admitted that she'd always been a little curious about what it would be like to go with an older man. And then her friend -- a redhead, too -- said that she wanted to know too. Before I knew it, we were on our way back to their hotel room. I don't know what got into me. I've been happily married for thirty years, and I spent the whole of last night screwing the brains out of two younger women as if I was a lad again." There is a sharp intake of breath from behind the screen. "My son, you have betrayed a sacred trust. Marriage is a bond between man and woman. You must seek your penance with God immediately, and end your marriage immediately." "Says who?" says the old man. The priest splutters. "Says who? Says who? I say so, wicked sinner. As a representative of God on this earth -- " "Why should I do anything you tell me to? I'm a Protestant." The priest is dumbfounded at this. "If you're not Catholic, then why have you come to Confession to tell me this?" "Well, I'm telling everybody."
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Mar 1, 2016 00:09
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Whybird posted:Same church. Same confessional. Different old man. He sits down, the priest slides open the window, and asks him to begin. I know this is incredibly pedantic, but a Catholic priest would probably never tell anyone to get a divorce. I always told this joke as after the old man gets through his story, the priest tells him to slow down, and asks him when his last confession was. Also, in my version, the guy was always Jewish, but Protestant works great for the joke as well. 
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Mar 1, 2016 00:56
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trapped mouse posted:I know this is incredibly pedantic, but a Catholic priest would probably never tell anyone to get a divorce. I always told this joke as after the old man gets through his story, the priest tells him to slow down, and asks him when his last confession was. Also, in my version, the guy was always Jewish, but Protestant works great for the joke as well. Well good thing you were here to tell us about proper religious procedure in jokes.
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Mar 1, 2016 07:07
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Werner-Boogle posted:Well good thing you were here to tell us about proper religious procedure in jokes. It did give me a much better way to tell this joke to my Irish Catholic family.
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Mar 1, 2016 09:23
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Werner-Boogle posted:Well good thing you were here to tell us about proper religious procedure in jokes. The divorce part is such a basic thing it'd be a mental roadblock for anyone who knows the Catholic Church from their own rear end in a top hat. I had to re-read the sentence because I was sure I'd missed something.
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Mar 1, 2016 12:56
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Blue Footed Booby posted:The divorce part is such a basic thing it'd be a mental roadblock for anyone who knows the Catholic Church from their own rear end in a top hat. I had to re-read the sentence because I was sure I'd missed something. I haven't been Catholic for the better part of fifteen years and it still tripped me up.
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Mar 1, 2016 13:36
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Blue Footed Booby posted:So what did you think "catch and release" fishing entailed, and why would you put dead fish in a bucket instead of a cooler? Never having been fishing, or even looked closely at someone who was fishing, I guess I thought you just threw the fish right back into the water immediately, possibly after weighing/measuring it (?)
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Mar 1, 2016 20:06
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Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumped in head first. While they are standing there looking in the hole and trying to figure out what had just happened, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to an old transmission!"
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Mar 2, 2016 01:00
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I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning. Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box. He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you." "No problem." I smiled. He looked at me again and said, "It's empty." I said, "Oh, I know, it's a chimney."
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Mar 2, 2016 01:30
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The wife of a man who absolutely loved BB King decided to get B and B tattooed on her butt cheeks as a gift to him for his birthday. After it was done she brought him to their bedroom and told him she had a special surprise. She pulled down her pants and bent over to show him the new tattoo. The husband said, "That's nice, but who's Bob?"
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Mar 2, 2016 01:34
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A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. Now everyone in the bank is very scared, looking down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly to afraid to speak. Then, one old man slowly raises his hand and without looking up says, "My wife got a pretty good look at ya." The robber says, "Oh yeah? Where is she?" The old man says, "She's at home, but I can go get her."
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Mar 2, 2016 01:38
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A man goes to the pharmacy to buy a pack of condoms. As he asks for the condoms, he starts smiling. While paying them, he starts to giggle and as he leaves he can’t refrain from laughing, leaving behind a bewildered pharmacist. The next day, the same thing happens and again the day after that. On the fourth day in a row, the pharmacist says while handing the condoms: “Man, you sure are excited” but the customer replies nothing and just laughs. On the fifth day, the puzzled pharmacist, curious to know what the man makes with all these condoms, asks his apprentice to follow him. On his return, the pharmacist asks: “So tell me where did he go?” The apprentice answers: “He went to your house”
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Mar 2, 2016 01:47
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along."
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Mar 2, 2016 01:55
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What did the find in the bathroom of the Enterprise? The captain's log.
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Mar 2, 2016 02:06
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ToxicSlurpee posted:What did the find in the bathroom of the Enterprise? Why can't I stop laughing at this?
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Mar 2, 2016 02:10
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ToxicSlurpee posted:What did the find in the bathroom of the Enterprise? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=264s-sFqvTA
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Mar 2, 2016 06:32
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A group of Indians came to their chief and asked "Will it be a bad winter?" The chief, who was young, had not paid attention to the elders and did not know how to read the signs. He told them to go start cutting firewood and he would answer them when they returned. The young chief then snuck off and consulted the National Weather Service. He asked them, "Will it be a bad winter?" "Probably," was the answer. When the men returned, the chief told them it would be a bad winter and to go cut more firewood. Just to be sure, the chief called the Weather Service again and asked, "Are you sure it's going to be a bad winter?" "It's beginning to look like it," was the answer. So the chief called the Indians and told them to go back out and cut more wood. Once more he called the Weather Service and asked, "Are you really sure it's going to be a bad winter?" "Yes, we're convinced that it's going to be a very bad winter," they said. "How do you know?" asked the chief. "Because the Indians are cutting wood like crazy!"
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Mar 2, 2016 07:40
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An elderly man is having his check-up and the doctor tells him he is in perfect shape for a man his age. The doc asks him how he does it. "Well," says the old man, "I eat right, get exercise, and God is watching out for me." "Oh really?" asks the doctor, "How so?" "For example," replies the elderly man, "when I get up to pee at night, God turns on the bathroom light for me!" The old man gets dressed after the exam and goes out to the waiting room to his wife. The doctor shakes her hand and says her husband is in great shape, and that he's amazed to hear that God's been turning on the bathroom light at night for him. "Well!" she says, "I am glad to hear he is doing so well. And now we've solved the mystery of all that pee in the fridge."
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Mar 2, 2016 07:59
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An man was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000." A doctor hears about this and thinks this might be a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to the clinic. Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become very weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that. Here, take this $1,000." Doctor: "But this is only $500!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
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Mar 2, 2016 08:09
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An old woman switched gynecologists and was extremely embarrassed when the doctor took one look between her legs and said, "That's the biggest pussy I've ever seen - That's the biggest pussy I've ever seen." She started crying and said to him, "You didn't have to say it twice." "I didn't." replied the doc.
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Mar 2, 2016 08:16
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