Achewood Thread 12: Hey, Look! We're Back! What Happened?!

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > BSS: Bisexual Super Son > Achewood Thread 12: Hey, Look! We're Back! What Happened?!

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Shaman Tank Spec: Dec 26, 2003; *blep*

ChuckDHead posted:

Warning: this will only make you hate the fact you can't get your hands on a copy even more.

Once you make a potato chewy you are doing things so wrong that you would be better off just not touching the potato at all, and instead giving it to the customer so that he could take it home and try to make sense of it himself.

MotherFUCKER Achewood was good

That writing literally made me tingly with joy.

# ? May 16, 2011 08:32

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# ? May 24, 2024 07:30

Clitch: Feb 26, 2002; I lived through
Donald Trump's presidency
and all I got was
this lousy virus

The only thing bad about a lot of box wine is being seen with it. The End.

# ? May 16, 2011 11:40

BetterWeirdthanDead: Mar 7, 2006; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Trilobite posted:

Once when I was walking out of the grocery store, I saw an opened, flattened cardboard wine box in the parking lot; whoever bought it apparently decided, "Cardboard? gently caress that fancy bullshit, I'LL JUST SUCK IT DIRECTLY OUT OF THE MYLAR BAG!" and left the empty box behind.

I'm not sure what kind of person does that, but clearly, they are a special case.

The kind of person that would try to sneak a mylar bladder of wine into a sporting event or concert...

# ? May 16, 2011 13:00

ChuckDHead: Dec 18, 2006

More cookbooky goodness, an extract sent by Onstad to the Portland Mercury. Nice Pete explains how to fry chicken.

# ? May 16, 2011 13:03

glug: Mar 12, 2004; JON JONES APOLOGIST #1

realtalk: shortages of cork have lead wineries to look into alternative packaging, and try to remove certain stigmas. Boxed wine, screw-top wine, and fake rubber-like 'cork' are all fairly commonplace now.

Or perhaps I heard wrong and it's mold taint that's the issue, not a shortage. This random liquor store has a cool history of cork writeup, listing the forerunners of a replacement being the screw top and that fake rubbery cork I mentioned.

http://www.beekmanwine.com/prevtopap.htm

# ? May 16, 2011 13:31

Dodgeball: Sep 24, 2003; Oh no! Dodgeball is really scary!

ChuckDHead posted:

More cookbooky goodness, an extract sent by Onstad to the Portland Mercury. Nice Pete explains how to fry chicken.

I can personally vouch for this recipe. drat good chicken.

# ? May 16, 2011 14:20

McGravin: Aug 25, 2004; Tantum via caeli per ferro incendioque est.

I've made that recipe, too. "George Lopez's skin" is the perfect color for fried chicken.

Speaking of wine corks, I can't even remember the last time I had a bottle of wine with a real cork in it. Hopefully this communicates to you more about the cork shortage issue than it does about my own socioeconomic status in that I have to buy lower-class wine.

At least it's not Carlo Rossi in a jug! ... anymore.

# ? May 16, 2011 17:37

glug: Mar 12, 2004; JON JONES APOLOGIST #1

For those who didn't read the link I lanked, there was a cork shortage a few years back or so, and currently Portugal is able to supply 100 years worth of corks w/out a problem.. however there is something called 'corking' which involves mold and/or some other poo poo infecting the cork during the process of making a cork, and thereby affecting the wine in a bad way. Different estimates had it at 1.5%-8% of the wines submitted to magazines and poo poo for testing and reporting on 'em, and upwards of 10% of store-bought wine being corked. That is one of the big reasons that people have moved away from corks, where the best options are the faux-cork and screw-top. Screw-top they do not know if it has an effect on wine over very long periods of time, and either way there is a stigma, just like with boxed wine, which should also be an awesome and ideal way to handle it.

The ideal way to distribute all liquor products is like the Gasolinas in Puerto Rico, or specifically, in a capri-sun like container, in a 10-pack box, in a gas station.

edit: it is a product so good that when we drank all of our rum and were hanging out by the beach talking to a random homeless heroin addict, and promised to return from our nearby abode with fresh gasolinas so we can continue discussing heroin addiction with him, he left once we were out of sight rather than wait for more liquor.

# ? May 16, 2011 17:46

Konec Hry: Jul 13, 2005; too much love will kill you; Grimey Drawer

ChuckDHead posted:

More cookbooky goodness, an extract sent by Onstad to the Portland Mercury. Nice Pete explains how to fry chicken.

I'm a big fan of the first comment to that article;
"This sounds like a simple and honest recipe for a sensible meal. Can other animals be fried in this way, such as raccoon, opossum, or cat-of-the-woods?"

# ? May 16, 2011 21:41

Hackers film 1995: Nov 4, 2009; Hack the planet!

McGravin posted:

At least it's not Carlo Rossi in a jug! ... anymore.

Look, it's no secret that there isn't something to be said about buying a cheap bottle/box of wine and watching Bloodsport as you fall asleep at 2am. This has gotten me through the last couple of weekends.

But who's to say I don't have a problem?

# ? May 17, 2011 04:35

LRADIKAL: Jun 10, 2001; Fun Shoe

Trilobite posted:

Once when I was walking out of the grocery store, I saw an opened, flattened cardboard wine box in the parking lot; whoever bought it apparently decided, "Cardboard? gently caress that fancy bullshit, I'LL JUST SUCK IT DIRECTLY OUT OF THE MYLAR BAG!" and left the empty box behind.

I'm not sure what kind of person does that, but clearly, they are a special case.

Empty bag from box. Drink out of bag, when done, slap bag. If there is not a satisfying slap sound, you have to drink again and slap again. Space Bag!

# ? May 17, 2011 05:22

Skyscraper: Oct 1, 2004; Hurry Up, We're Dreaming

OK, so scans are off the table, clearly everyone here likes cooking, would anyone here be willing to let me buy or borrow their achewood cookbook? Come on, people, I'm REALLY BAD, and I could use the instruction.

# ? May 18, 2011 04:34

McGravin: Aug 25, 2004; Tantum via caeli per ferro incendioque est.

Skyscraper posted:

OK, so scans are off the table, clearly everyone here likes cooking, would anyone here be willing to let me buy or borrow their achewood cookbook? Come on, people, I'm REALLY BAD, and I could use the instruction.

As was said, people who have the cookbook can still post the recipes, just not the write-ups. Lists of ingredients and the instructions to put them together are okay.

Edit: Re-write the instructions, though, so they're not in a character's voice. That would possibly be crossing the line.

# ? May 18, 2011 05:32

Clitch: Feb 26, 2002; I lived through
Donald Trump's presidency
and all I got was
this lousy virus

You people skulking about, fretting over cookbook scans know the forum has PMs. Right?

# ? May 18, 2011 05:50

WoodrowSkillson: Feb 24, 2005; *Gestures at 60 years of Lions history*

And e-mail? You guys do realize that 90% of the forums pirates poo poo constantly and the rule is don't talk about it on the forums.

# ? May 18, 2011 06:14

Skyscraper: Oct 1, 2004; Hurry Up, We're Dreaming

I sent Tasty Burger a PM but he/she/burger didn't get back to me. I'd rewrite the recipes, but then again, if I had them to rewrite I wouldn't still need them.

# ? May 18, 2011 06:34

poor and weird: Jun 30, 2007

I know it really won't be the same reading it without Onstad's characteristic panache, but can someone PLEASE at least just tell me the secret to oven fries that do not make you feel like Mrs. John Lithgow??? I must know this. This I must know.

# ? May 18, 2011 07:37

Skyscraper: Oct 1, 2004; Hurry Up, We're Dreaming

poor and weird posted:

I know it really won't be the same reading it without Onstad's characteristic panache, but can someone PLEASE at least just tell me the secret to oven fries that do not make you feel like Mrs. John Lithgow??? I must know this. This I must know.

Right here.

# ? May 18, 2011 07:46

ChuckDHead: Dec 18, 2006

Skyscraper posted:

Right here.

Those are home fries, oven fries are like french fries (or chips) done in the oven.

# ? May 18, 2011 11:13

Skyscraper: Oct 1, 2004; Hurry Up, We're Dreaming

ChuckDHead posted:

Those are home fries, oven fries are like french fries (or chips) done in the oven.

Wow, I didn't know there was a difference. This book is apparently packed with awesome fry information.

# ? May 18, 2011 15:37

poor and weird: Jun 30, 2007

I may not have the cookbook, but I finally made risotto that turned out just right. I never would have tried cooking it if it hadn't been for the Campaign of Risotto Terror that Teodor waged on Chris in the blogs, so thanks, Achewood, for helping me class up my cooking repertoire a little bit.

# ? May 18, 2011 23:27

McGravin: Aug 25, 2004; Tantum via caeli per ferro incendioque est.

Alright, no one is posting Achewood Cookbook recipes, so I'm just going to post an unrelated but still delicious recipe.

quote:

Mongolian Stir-Fry Beef

1 lb beef (sirloin steak or flank steak is good)

1 egg

salt

cornstarch

oil

toasted sesame seeds

onion

snap peas

green pepper

two or three garlic cloves

stir fry sauce

peanuts or cashews if you like*

Slice the beef into long strips, then into halves or thirds or whatever makes a bite-size strip. Put the beef into a bowl and toss with an egg white, then add cornstarch and salt and toss to coat. A tablespoon of cornstarch and half a teaspoon of salt should be enough, but add just a little more if it's not.

Put enough oil in your wok to give it a good coat and get it good and hot. When a sprinkle of water sizzles sharply, it's hot enough, so throw in the beef and stir fry it until it's cooked nicely. Remove it from the wok to a plate or something and scrape any egg bits or whatnot out of the wok. Add some fresh oil and get it heating back up.

Meanwhile, cut up the onion and green pepper however you like. I prefer it in long thin wedge-shaped slices. Finely mince the garlic cloves (or sometimes I like thin slices). Toss these and the snap peas in the hot wok, along with the nuts and stir-fry for about a minute. Add some spicy stir fry sauce (Want to make it homemade? 1 T sherry wine, 2 T hoisin sauce, 2 T soy sauce, 2 T chicken stock, 1/2 t sugar, 1 t cornstarch, chili paste to taste) and sesame seeds. Stir fry for a bit longer.

Finally, add the beef back in, get everything good and hot, and you're done! Serve on a bed of delicious white rice.

* Nuts aren't really traditional Mongolian, I guess, but whatever. Unless you're of Mongolian descent, living in Mongolia, and cooking for Mongolians, who the hell cares? It's your food, put whatever you want in it.

# ? May 19, 2011 00:30

Sigma-X: Jun 17, 2005

poor and weird posted:

I know it really won't be the same reading it without Onstad's characteristic panache, but can someone PLEASE at least just tell me the secret to oven fries that do not make you feel like Mrs. John Lithgow??? I must know this. This I must know.

I don't know it off the top of my head but I can check.

I will say that in general the cookbook is less fine cuisine and more aimed a dudes who are a bit shakey on which part of the pan the food goes in.

# ? May 19, 2011 17:13

hypocrite lecteur: Aug 21, 2008; by Y Kant Ozma Post

WoodrowSkillson posted:

And e-mail? You guys do realize that 90% of the forums pirates poo poo constantly and the rule is don't talk about it on the forums.

Yeah let's not talk about breaking copyright owned by a guy who literally took the money and ran maybe he'll come after us in internet court

# ? May 20, 2011 23:08

palecur: Nov 3, 2002; not too simple and not too kind; Fallen Rib

hypocrite lecteur posted:

Yeah let's not talk about breaking copyright owned by a guy who literally took the money and ran maybe he'll come after us in internet court

Do what you like, guy, it's your :tenbux:

# ? May 20, 2011 23:28

Van Dis: Jun 19, 2004

I downloaded a chapbook and didn't even crack a smile while reading through it.

The fact that Onstad wrote "More explanation in an interview at Comics Alliance (although I disapprove of their use of words like 'over' and 'end')" two months ago gives me a chuckle though.

# ? May 21, 2011 00:04

ChuckDHead: Dec 18, 2006

Van Dis posted:

I downloaded a chapbook and didn't even crack a smile while reading through it.

The fact that Onstad wrote "More explanation in an interview at Comics Alliance (although I disapprove of their use of words like 'over' and 'end')" two months ago gives me a chuckle though.

What words would he prefer? Something along the lines of "all hella corpsey" and "mad-style finished"?

I can't be bothered to read the Chapbooks. They sound like the sort of thing that would normally be packaged as extra materials in webcomic collections. Unfortunately now there's no material for them to be extras to.

ChuckDHead fucked around with this message at 00:28 on May 21, 2011

# ? May 21, 2011 00:19

Van Dis: Jun 19, 2004

you shouldn't bother to read them because they are Not Funny.

# ? May 21, 2011 00:20

Waterhaul: Nov 5, 2005; it was a nice post,
you shouldn't have signed it.

Since some people seem to be confused the rules for scanning a cookbook are the exact same as scanning any other book on BSS. If somebody wants to scan a few pages go ahead, just don't post over 50% of the book.

# ? May 21, 2011 14:25

Hypnobeard: Sep 15, 2004; Obey the Beard

Some recipes for a lady or a man:

Achewood Cookbook: Roast Beef posted:

Perfect Deviled Eggs Every Time

6 eggs
3 tbsp real mayonnaise
1 tbsp + 1 tsp yellow mustard
3 tbsp white vinegar
paprika (for color)

Put 6 eggs in a large pot and cover with water by 1/2" or so. Bring to a boil uncovered. Remove from heal, cover, and let sit for 15 minutes.

Remove the eggs and put them in a bowl of cold running water for a minute to stop cooking. Peel eggs completely.

Cut eggs in half the long way. Remove yolks carefully and put them in a bowl. Set whole egg whites aside.

Put mustard, mayonnaise, and vinegar in bowl with yolks and mix until creamy and uniform. Using two spoons, scoop yolk mixture up and ball it into each of the whites.

Garnish with a sprikle of paprika and a single parsley leaf if you can afford it.

Achewood Cookbook: Ray posted:

Perfect Oven Fries Every Time

2 russet potatoes, about 3/4lb each, washed and dried but not peeled
olive oil for brushing
salt
pepper

Pre-heat oven to 450F.

Slice potatoes lengthwise into eight more or less equal triangular wedges.

Line cookie sheet with foil, shiny side down. Lay wedges in rows, skin side down. Leave approximately 1/4" between wedges.

Brush wedges with oil. Sprinkle salt over them and place in oven on the top rack.

Roast potatoes for 20 minutes, then remove tray and flip wedges onto their sides.

Return potatoes to oven and roast for 10 more minutes, then remove potatoes again and turn oven up to 500F. Leave potatoes out of the oven until temperature reaches 500F.

When oven reaches temperature, brush wedges with oil again and slide them back in. Roast for 15-20 minutes, until they are golden brown all over with no white showing. Start checking after 10 minutes.

Remove from oven, sprinkle with salt, and serve immediately.

Achewood Cookbook: Roast Beef posted:

Five Dollar Chili

1 - 1.5 lb cubed beef stew meat
3 tbsp olive oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
3 tbsp chili powder
1 tbsp cumin
2 tsp oregano
1 tsp salt
1/8 tsp pepper
1 can beef broth (14 oz, regular size)
1 can kidney beans
flour for dusting meat

Mince garlic.

Mix spices, salt, and garlic in a bowl.

In a large bowl or plastic bag, put flour and meat cubes and mix until cubes are coated with flour.

Heat oil in a large stock pot; oil is ready when a water drop sizzles immediately.

Shake excess flour off meat and place carefully in oil to avoid splattering. Move meat cubes as little as possible. When meat is dark chocolate brown on a few sides, shake beef broth and add to pot along with spice mixture. Stir well.

Simmer for two hours covered. Stir once or twice during this time.

Add kidney beans to pot and cook 45 minutes uncovered. Meat should be tender and pull easily into shreds; if not, continue cooking until it does.

Serve with rice or whatever else you like chili with.

# ? May 21, 2011 17:47

Skyscraper: Oct 1, 2004; Hurry Up, We're Dreaming

AWESOME thanks Tolan!

# ? May 21, 2011 21:38

Jack Bandit: Feb 6, 2005; Shit, I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months

Tolan from the Internet? Ray Smuckles, not of the Internet.

# ? May 21, 2011 22:26

Dodgeball: Sep 24, 2003; Oh no! Dodgeball is really scary!

Are there any Spaghetti's Dad recipes?

# ? May 22, 2011 02:55

Hypnobeard: Sep 15, 2004; Obey the Beard

Achewood Cookbook: Mr. Bear posted:

Smoked Salmon on Potato Coins

3-4 yellow fingerling potatoes, about 1" in diameter
2-3 radishes
1 tbsp sesame seeds
1 scallion
1 small package high-quality smoked salmon
1 tub mascarpone cheese

Boil potatoes in salted water until easily pierced with a fork. Remove and cool under running water.

Slice salmon into strips approximately the size and shape of a stick of gum.

Slice radish into paper-thin discs.

Slice green onion into 1mm-wide discs.

Toast sesame seed in dry pan until darkened; do not blacken.

Carefully slice potatoes into coins approximately 1/8" thick. Spread thin layer of cheese on potato, then place radish disc on top. Add salmon slice, folded over itself. Use toothpick through salmon and into potato to hold together. Sprinkle sesame seeds and scallion on salmon and exposed cheese.

Achewood Cookbook: Pat posted:

Fool's Rice

1 cup long grain rice
2 cups cold water
1 tbsp olive oil
1/4 tsp salt

Stir rice, oil, salt, and water together in pot and set uncovered over high heat. When the water boils, stir mixture thoroughly, cover, and reduce heat to lowest setting. Simmer rice for 14 minutes. Fluff with a fork and serve.

Achewood Cookbook: Roast Beef posted:

Basque Green Bean Salad

2 cans cut green beans, drained
2 hard boiled eggs (see "Perfect Deviled Eggs Every Time") sliced into coins
1/4 cup minced white onion
2 tbsp mayonnaise
1 tbsp plus 1 tsp white vinegar
1 tsp yellow mustard
salt/pepper to taste

Mix mayonnaise, vinegar, mustard, and onion together with whisk until smooth. Add salt and pepper if desired.

Drain 2 cans of cut green beans. Add to mayonnaise mixture. Add eggs to mixture. Stir lightly to coat beans and eggs.

Serve immediately or refrigerate up to 3 days.

# ? May 22, 2011 17:00

Skyscraper: Oct 1, 2004; Hurry Up, We're Dreaming

Could you please post the recipes for the mexican pizza, the nachos, and the cocktail of tomorrow? I'd really like to try cooking some of them this week.

# ? May 22, 2011 19:16

Hypnobeard: Sep 15, 2004; Obey the Beard

Achewood Cookbook: Ray, who else? posted:

The Drink of Tomorrow

2 shots vodka
4 shots tonic
1/2 shot blue curacao
3 red toothpicks
7 small marshmallows

Slide a marshmallow to the middle of a toothpick. Slide the other two toothpicks through this marshmallow so they're perpendicular to each other and you have X, Y, and Z axes. Put a marshmallow on the end of each toothpick. Freeze for 1 hour.

Mix vodka, tonic, and blue curacao (well chilled, of course) and pour into an old-fashioned glass. Garnish with marshmallow structure, serve immediately.

Achewood Cookbook: Philippe posted:

Homemade Mexican Pizza

2 oz ground beef
1 tbsp chopped white onion
1/2 tsp salt
flour tortillas (2 per pizza)
grated cheddar cheese
grated Monterey jack cheese
1 small can of sliced black olives
1 can refried beans
1 green onion/scallion, chopped into small pieces
diced ripe tomato
taco sauce

Note: you may need to adjust the amount of ingredients; the cookbook says the above makes one pizza.

Preheat oven to 400F.

Brown beef in pan with chopped onion and salt. Mix well until beef is brown all over.

Put refried beans in a pot and cook until soft and easy to spread; add cheese if desired.

Poke tortillas all over with a fork. Place on racks in oven for approx. 6 minutes or until they're crisp and golden brown.

Remove tortillas from oven. With a spoon, spread beans in a thin layer on both tortillas. Choose one tortilla to be the bottom and spread meat on the beans, then sprinkle with cheeses. Top with second tortilla and sprinkle olives, chopped green onion, tomato, cheese, and taco sauce. Return to oven until cheese melts, approx. 2 minutes.

Achewood Cookbook: Roast Beef posted:

Galaxy Nachos

bag of tortilla chips
can of refried beans
chopped green onions
grated sharp cheddar cheese
canned diced green peppers (optional)
black olives diced finely
tomatoes diced finely
fresh chopped cilantro
whatever else you like on nachos

No quantities given; use common sense

Preheat oven to 400F.

Line cookie sheet with foil (shiny side down) and then chips. Bake chips until color changes slightly.

While chips are baking, heat beans and grated cheese until easy to spread. When chips are done, remove from oven and drizzle beans over chips. When covered to taste, add more cheese. Put all other toppings on and bake for 10 minutes or until cheese is melted and bubbly.

# ? May 22, 2011 19:46

Skyscraper: Oct 1, 2004; Hurry Up, We're Dreaming

Oh fantastic, thank you! I've got a week off on vacation, and I'm going to try to make all of these.

# ? May 22, 2011 19:54

BetterWeirdthanDead: Mar 7, 2006; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

My favorite is the Neapolitan Shooter.

It can impress both dudes and ladies.

# ? May 23, 2011 01:45

generally I prefer: Apr 17, 2006

Tolan, you are a scholar and a gentleman and I am now accountably hungry.

# ? May 25, 2011 02:36

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# ? May 24, 2024 07:30

Hypnobeard: Sep 15, 2004; Obey the Beard

I'll put up more tonight, don't have the book with me at work.

# ? May 25, 2011 13:57

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > BSS: Bisexual Super Son > Achewood Thread 12: Hey, Look! We're Back! What Happened?!

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