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May 25, 2024 16:29
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- Alfalfa The Roach
- Oct 13, 2012
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You need to be a badass first.
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Imma be playing Zelda in a little over a week
God it has all the hallmarks of knocking LttP/OoT off the perch of 'Best Zelda Of All Time'
That's not hard because LttP and OoT are bad
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Feb 22, 2017 13:26
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- The Duchess Smackarse
- May 8, 2012
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by Lowtax
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So I started a new file in Sacred Stones yesterday
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Feb 22, 2017 13:45
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- HyperPuma
- Jun 24, 2007
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b-b-b-b-b-b-b-but trump is president
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 Jimmy Hats' 500th Nintendo Switch Thread Post
Fire Emblem in Review
A comprehensive review of all the lovely loving fire emblem games I've played + maybe some that I haven't
Fire Emblem - 2003
The first Fire Emblem game to leave glorious Nippon and be gifted upon the White Man, who is an unworthy dog. The game introduced western players to ultra fun mechanics like permanent death, needing the same amount of inventory space for a key as you'd use for a axe, and Hector Hard difficulty. You play as a faceless tactician guy (or girl, it doesn't loving matter one bit) named RETARD, making strategic decisions for your ragtag band of heroes. The main plot concerns pampered rich boy Eliwood trying to find his dad, who is dead (or maybe dies later, I forget), who then stumbles across an evil plot by wizard guy Nergal, a dragonfucker (which would become a recurring theme in the series) who planned to open a portal to the dragon world. After wandering around for a bit, the heroes receive help from old rear end wizard guy Athos, who proceeds to carry your lovely party through the final battle entirely by himself, thus undermining all the player's hard work to get that far.
Notable characters
Eliwood
Prince of Pharae and Huge Bitch. He likes to help people and is incredibly bland. He's Roy from Smash Bros.' dad.
Hector
Prince of some place I can't remember and Eliwood's best friend. The strongest and best character. He dies heroically in a later but actually previous game. Has his own mostly different campaign mode which is unlocked after beating the game normally. His hard difficulty campaign mode is cheap garbage horseshit.
Lyndis
Some rich guy's bastard granddaughter, and the protagonist of the tutorial which is only 70% as long as the main game. She doesn't wear pants and dies to a stiff breeze, forcing constant game overs. Gets more magical swords than anybody else. She also showed up in smash bros. There is a LOT of porn of her on the internet.
Isadora
The weakest piece of poo poo character in the game, Isadora is given to the player to trick them into fielding her and having to restart the game. Utter poo poo garbage, you'll probably end up having her die. Good riddance.
Athos
This loving rear end in a top hat is way too god drat strong and will single handedly win the final level for you. You meet him several chapters beforehand but he doesn't actually help until it's prime time for him to steal all the glory. Also all the bad events of the story are his fault. Basically a lovely dumbledore.
Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones - 2004
The second game to be gifted upon whitey, Intelligent Systems poo poo this one out only a year after the previous title. Notable for having a branching storyline, forcing the player to play the tutorial again, and being considerably more anime than it's predecessor. The plot concerns a war between the good guys and bad guys and eventually their lovely neighbours, beginning with the protagonist's dad dying, which is also apparently a recurring theme for the series. The protagonists soon discover that the bad guy is actually their childhood friend possessed by a rude demon lord and not his lovely dad (who dies.) The dragons in this game are all dead and are therefore unfuckable [citation needed].
This game introduced a world map, random battles for !level grinding!, and branching unit upgrades. It also introduced the ultra fun and good mechanic of giving the player incredibly lovely characters that, if babysat, eventually become ultra powerful. Naturally, these characters will die frequently.
Notable Chracters
Ephraim and Eirika
Had this game been made today, these two would gently caress. As it stands, however, they mostly whinge about how they hope the other one is safe. Their dad dies.
Amelia
The second most anime character in the game, this tiny teenage girl will eventually become your armor-clad max stats general, which totally makes sense. Just grind zombies with her.
L'arachel
The most anime character, L'arachel bumbles around the countryside helping people, but she is also self-absorbed moron and is incredibly 1-dimensional and annoying. Becomes a character template for at least one character in every other goddamn title, because minimal character design effort is OK when it's anime. Killing her off ASAP is recommended.
Fire Emblem - Path of Radiance - 2005
The first 3D fire emblem, this game showcased Intelligent System's low budget and inattention to detail. This game would introduce garbage character models to the series, furries, and the ability to forge and name your own weapons. Notable forged weapons include CRAPSWORD+ and DICKCRUSHER. The plot revolves around main character Ike's dad dying, prompting him to go on a journey to defeat the bad guys and also racism.
Notable Characters
Ike
The protagonist and also the guy from Smash Bros. Notable for telling enemies to prepare themselves, while actually giving them no time to prepare themselves before murdering them. His dad dies. Wields a sword named Ragnell that his dead dad didn't want. Notable for having a super sweet special move that keeps showing up in other games.
Mia
Perky sword chick who was 16 year old me's favourite. Wielder of the DICKCRUSHER. Very strong and good. Very anime.
Giffca
Old dude who turns into a Lion. Will carry your team through the final battle easily. Don't choose the other two losers.
Furries
 
No, you can't gently caress them.
Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn - 2007
Notable for having been purchased by me from the bargain bin at EB games for 10 dollars, this game is absolutely the worst in the series. Notable for somehow having worse character models than it's predecessor and adding nothing of value to the series. Loads you up with overpowered characters very early on. Has an incoherent, rambling plot that frequently bounces around, undermining the whole character progression thing that is one of the series' few redeeming features. I didn't finish it before trading it in. It's currently worth about 88x more than it should be on ebay. Whoops!
Notable characters
All those guys from Radiant Dawn + some others
Mia shows up again and is still perky. I think her boobs are bigger..? They're def bigger.
...Nice...
Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon - 2009
A re-release of the first game. Has incredibly boring box art and also incredibly boring gameplay. Adds nothing of value to the series, since it's a half-assed rehash of the first game. Is notably terrible, bad, and boring. Failed miserably and killed the series in the west for 4 merciful years. So close!
The plot involves some bad guys being rude and evil and is generic fantasy poo poo. You battle a shadow dragon iirc.
Notable characters include that guy from Smash Bros, Marth.
Fire Emblem: Awakening - 2013
The game that saved the series from its' much needed demise, awakening is notable for marking the point when the developers sold their souls and dignity so they could keep their jobs. This game introduced strategic mating, time travel plots, DLC, and a tag-team system which is really terrible. Is the first game in the series to allow your characters to not actually die when defeated. You are also allowed to customize your character, choosing options that range from Muscle Chick to Shota Bitchboi.
The plot revolves around amnesiac tactician CHUGGY's fateful meeting with Chrom, a do-gooder prince, and his retard sister Lissa, who is saved by a mysterious warrior named Marth who is actually Chrom's daughter from the future who has gone back in time to save her dad from dying in order to save the future. Notable for being the first game in the series where a character actually prevents their dad from dying, this plot element was hailed as revolutionary and met with worldwide acclaim. The player character's ragtag group then proceeds to battle a string of completely forgettable generic anime villains and save the world from a mean dragon.
Along the way, you can have your characters pair up and gently caress to create more powerful children, who then time travel back to help you. You can even gently caress this thing, and it is in fact highly encouraged that you do so, as it is a dragon.
“So you know how old I am, huh? Weird. Most people can't stop talking about how young I look.”
Also notable for allowing your avatar character to gently caress somebody else's child who technically isn't even born yet, which is OK.
Has a hard mode that is only beatable by purchasing DLC to grind character levels.
There are no notable characters in this game, as they are all poo poo garbage anime trash. Don't worry though, they'll all be recycled in the next game!
Fire Emblem: Fates: Brithright/Conquest/Revelations - 2015
The latest game in the series, this one is notable for forcing the player to purchase it 3 times to actually get the full game. Added much needed features such as bikini armor, tit jiggle, and sister loving. Also notable for the return of player customization, but the absence of the Muscle Chick option. Developer commentary has revealed that hikikomori felt this body type projected unrealistic body image and was discriminatory and exploitative. The make-your-characters-gently caress system returned, and was explained in the plot by character's abandoning their children in hyperbaric time chambers until they are old enough to die in meaningless war, as is the way of the Samurai.
This game is also notable for including the much needed Ninja, Maid, and Butler classes, in order to make the game characters appeal to more fetishes. These characters are provided to the player at the beginning of the game and can be hosed post-haste.
The mating system is refined, allowing the player to pet their allies to make them love them more, however there was outrage when players found out you could not provoke a response by groping your kid sister's A-cup tiddies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7w5liw-5rcw
The plot of each storyline revolves around your player character betraying their family/loved ones and then murdering them, while being assisted by a mysterious and totally tragic songstress (who only knows one loving song!), and can't actually tell you the real plot because you need to buy the DLC it's more tragic that way.
Your dad is the main villain, who dies.
Notable characters
Elise
"Give me your fat dilz, onii~nyan!"
Your kid sister who is revealed to not be your real sister but is actually your real sister after all who you can gently caress. Is incredibly annoying and dies tragically.
Other siblings
Persons who only ever loved you, whom you eventually murder tragically.
Other characters
A bunch of people you can gently caress. Keen-eyed players will note that half of them are actually Awakening characters who did a quick costume change. Can die tragically.
Hana
A random Samurai. Notable only for being the character that reprises Ike's "prepare yourself" catch phrase. Often dies in one hit. You can gently caress her, or have her gently caress one of your friends. She's open-minded.
Fates is also notable for costing more in additional DLC than the base game. It is also notable for having bad math.
Fire Emblem: Heroes - 2017
Freemium gacha phone garbage. You can't even make your characters gently caress, so what's even the god drat point?
Fire Emblem: Echoes: Shadows of Valentia - 2017
Upcoming title in the series. Is a remake of the second game, since Shadow Dragon obviously went so well for them. I have it pre-ordered.
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Feb 22, 2017 14:00
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- Cojawfee
- May 31, 2006
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I think the US is dumb for not using Celsius
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I'M PRESSING MY DOG'S BUTTONS BUT LINK STILL DOESN'T JUMP!
Please don't gently caress your dog.
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Feb 22, 2017 14:02
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- The Flying Milton
- Jan 18, 2005
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Guys, I got a 128gb microSD card in anticipation for my switch. Which hot games should I put on it?
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Feb 22, 2017 14:14
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- Elmon
- Aug 20, 2013
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The true crime of fremblem anger post is the excessive scrolling it causes since it keeps being linked.
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Feb 22, 2017 14:15
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- Cartoon Man
- Jan 31, 2004
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zelda
snipperclips
bomberman
mario kart
splatoon 2
That's about all the games it will hold anyway.
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Feb 22, 2017 14:32
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- Tijuana Bibliophile
- Dec 30, 2008
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Scratchmo
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If Zelda is bad I'm buying a PS4
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Feb 22, 2017 14:34
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- Tijuana Bibliophile
- Dec 30, 2008
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Scratchmo
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That's about all the games it will hold anyway.
I think Zelda is 13 gigs actually
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Feb 22, 2017 14:35
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- Gorgolflox
- Apr 2, 2009
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Gun Saliva
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Zelda will be bad...
...badass
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Feb 22, 2017 14:43
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- The Bloop
- Jul 5, 2004
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by Fluffdaddy
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anime = japanimation = japanese animation
Where do you suppose BotW was animated?
CHECK
MATE
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Feb 22, 2017 15:03
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- Alfalfa The Roach
- Oct 13, 2012
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You need to be a badass first.
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I wish I could afford all the Zelda amiibo on top of the game and the Switch. The Guardian and BOTW Zelda amiibo are cool as hell
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Feb 22, 2017 15:03
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- glassyalabolas
- Oct 21, 2006
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I want to bowl with the gangsters...
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Here, let's watch the *official* unboxing of the Switch.
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Feb 22, 2017 15:25
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- deadly_pudding
- May 13, 2009
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who the fuck is scraeming
"LOG OFF" at my house.
show yourself, coward.
i will never log off
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A PS4 is a pretty good buy one way or the other.
I'll probably end up buying one like a year from now to play Horizon Zero Dawn and Persona 5, because I'm a manchild who buys consoles 3 years in a row.
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Feb 22, 2017 15:32
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- Dr Cheeto
- Mar 2, 2013
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Wretched Harp
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Stux is right about the PS4 being a top-tier console
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Feb 22, 2017 15:54
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- The Duchess Smackarse
- May 8, 2012
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by Lowtax
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Ps4 is p good even tho I mostly just use it to play FFXIV.
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Feb 22, 2017 15:54
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- The Duchess Smackarse
- May 8, 2012
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by Lowtax
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I miss Front Mission on playstation consoles tho. I heard maybe they are making a new one. Gosh bles.
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Feb 22, 2017 15:55
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 25, 2024 16:29
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- asecondduck
- Feb 18, 2011
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by Nyc_Tattoo
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*opens in a new tab*
Oh it's a Nintendo minute video
*closes tab*
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Feb 22, 2017 16:00
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Feb 22, 2017 12:36
