- Athelas
- Jan 13, 2006
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differences tend to fall by the wayside with proper lubrication
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Ever wonder what kind of website would be spawned by the kind of woman that would disown her son and raise her daughter to be just like her?
Well, wonder no more.
Oh yeah, she plays World of Warcraft and purports to be a Buddhist. 
quote:this one may be a tad long. or not. i’m not sure. it’s all bubbling and spinning around in my head and i have no idea where it wants to go, but i’m turning loose of the reigns and just letting it roll.
today, i heard one of the saddest things i have ever heard in my life. i heard someone tell someone else that there’s really no such thing as altruism because all human beings only do things that bring them things they want or need, so even acts that appear unselfish are rooted in selfishness. when the person they were telling this to disagreed, this little bit of ‘wisdom’ was reinforced with the statement that ‘their therapist had assured them it was true.’
outside of the thought that of COURSE a therapist would say such a thing… if not because it insures a state of mind that keeps their bills paid, then because it fosters a false reliance for ‘truth’, it just made me feel sad. a heavy and somewhat pervasive feeling of something approximating hopelessness hit me… but it’s edges were spiky with anger.
the actual thought of it really pisses me off. it is so patently simple to disprove.
oh yeah, sure, the man who sacrifices his life to pull people out of a burning building is totally into immolation. the person who steps out to push someone from the path of an oncoming truck only to die themselves in the effort was just thinking about the rich load of attention they were going to get from the media. your mother loved you because it made her look good to her friends.
how can ANYONE actually believe such a thing? not only is it untrue, it is an insidious lie that inevitably turns one to jaded disregard for others. and being the kind of person who looks for the ugly in others and really needs to find it there.
which brought me to the realization of why this is something people are willing to believe… people want to believe this because it makes their own choice to be selfish easier to make. after all, if no one can ever do anything good for another because even that good is based on something they’re getting for themselves… then one really doesn’t have to appreciate the good things others do for you… or be humbled by them… or do anything more than use those who have ‘needs’ that coincide with what one wants… right?
good grief. this makes what happened with Dagan make SO much more sense. he just could NOT believe i would do something nice for him without any ulterior motivation. so he looked and looked until he could find SOMETHING to point at and say, “AH HA! SEE? I KNEW YOU WERE A TERRIBLE PERSON!” and then use that to justify his own hurried exit.
he felt so uncomfortable and so out of his element not to be able to find something ‘obvious’ to find flaw with… and was so guilty and self-loathing that he COULD NOT simply savor our friendship…. so he picked and poked until he found something he could blow it up over… and that’s precisely what he did.
actually, now that i think of it… that’s what heath did, too.
i’ve spent so much time feeling hurt for what happened, as if either of them would (or could) ever possibly be willing to just accept a good thing for what it was. impossible. it simply was not possible. wow.
it doesn’t do me much good to think on this kind of thing. i always wind up feeling much of the world and those who live in it are just… no. hah. actually, that is MY problem, now isn’t it? right here. in this set of sentences. the entire pattern revealed. i suppose i’m the opposite of most of the world. i simply will not accept it is impossible.
both because i do it and because, if i accept that, then there is nothing to stop me from becoming just like that. and, frankly, that is the most horrific thing i can imagine - to live a life where i could ever feel that people are ‘always like that’ or that there is some horrible worm in the middle of every beautiful thing someone does.
now that i think of it, i have heard strains of this from my friends off and on. one friend over in the uk has said to me here and there that ‘you do not do these things unselfishly, you do them for how they make you feel.’
i have long since stopped trying to explain otherwise. what’s the point? it could only look like denial. i’m content with my own intentions and motivations and the pensiveness of always having them questioned does not and will not impede.
but i occasionally see or hear this lie being perpetuated, mostly just like the circumstance that spawned this post. and when i do, i am always torn between wanting to jump in and point out how ridiculous the idea IS and understanding that anyone who could or would believe such a thing really isn’t in a place to see it any differently.
people delight in their little sufferings. i do not understand why. i do not think i ever will. but they prefer them often enough and with enough consistency that there is no real way to avoid that this is the case.
the only reason i have ever seen that altruism dies is that a human can only take so much denigration and derision for wanting to bring good into the world before they stop being willing to do so. thankfully, there are those whose spirits were and are strong enough to withstand that tonnage of petty slander and second-guessing. i think about the ones who were like Atlas and i wonder how it is they are so easily forgotten.
i conclude it is a marginalization process. perhaps if humans can break the best intentions from most, it makes it easier for them to ignore the sterling examples that remain untouchable. but i admit, the thought makes me sad…. for how can you ever be other than sad to know humans generally prefer to shatter beauty rather than admit it is so?
Stumbled across this a while back while searching the internet trying to see what my biological mother has been up to since she ditched me when I was a child, but haven't had the stomach to read her garbage in any real depth.
Figured you folks would get a kick out of it, anyway.
EDIT/UPDATE: There is a lovely entry today where she talks about what a horrible, horrible person I am for posting a link to her website here, and she's banned my IP from viewing her site (easily skirted with a proxy, but not worth the time here at work).
Athelas fucked around with this message at 16:47 on Oct 26, 2007
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Oct 26, 2007 02:19
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Apr 29, 2024 10:54
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- Athelas
- Jan 13, 2006
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differences tend to fall by the wayside with proper lubrication
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Fenix posted:
Actually, she banned you because it seems the only thing you're capable of is this manner of venom, anger, and bile and she'd rather remain apart from you than continue to be the excuse you use for not taking care of the obvious issues that have resulted from refusing to seek therapy for these anger management problems.
To be accurate, she didn't ban you for coming here to air your psychological dirty laundry, she banned you because anyone who would do this obviously isn't someone deserving of access.
Perhaps you think it is healthy to splash your pathology and angst here. Maybe you even think you think if you can find others to support the behavior, it means it's ok... and if that's what you need to feel good about yourself or to continue to avoid the reality that things are never as black and white as you'd like to think, well you just go for it, m'kay?
Back here in the real world, I'll just remember you're still my son and no matter how angry you get, or how little you listen, or how unwilling you are to hear anything but your own ugly inside, you're still loved.
But love doesn't mean putting up with abuse, and frankly, as may be seen here, abuse seems to be just about all you have to offer right now. I look forward to the day that changes. May it come soon.
Actually, I posted your website here because the folks on this forum love to read the stupid fanfictions and rantings of self-absorbed World of Warcraft players and deadbeat parents.
I'm sure Lowtax thanks you for the $10, Bonnie. Now go back to your little world where you have complete control over everything posted and refuse to allow the people you criticize to respond where everyone else can read it. I can assure you that if you piss off the infamous crew of Internet Detectives here that what you view as such vile hatred and disrespect from me will pale in comparison to what they'll send your way.
Oh yes, and I'm not your son. The only people that have the right to call me that are the ones that raised me. You're just the person that provided the other half of the genetic material that produced me.
Athelas fucked around with this message at 18:31 on Oct 26, 2007
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Oct 26, 2007 18:28
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Oct 26, 2007 02:19
