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Things you'll hear around the office every loving day: 1. Buckets, soup to nuts, and project analogies  : The solution needs to be soup to nuts and needs to cover every bucket. We're going to start this project off crawling, then bring it to where it's running.: I came up with a new word... bucketize.  2. Idiots with computers : It won't take! Why won't it take? It isn't taking! : Did you push the "Submit" button?: WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT YOU!  : I think SharePoint is down. Is it down? Can you check?: Have you not heard everyone around you complain? Pretty sure it's down.I work in corporate as a contractor, though, so we're basically the bastard children of the department. In fact, we all sit in this little "dugout" area instead of having our own cubes. I nicknamed it the cesspool since only contractors and consultants sit here. Our managers went so far as to put up a disco ball in the middle of it and hang streamers from the ceiling. I guess if I was an employee, I would be more entertained by the irony of the whole thing. We get managers coming in saying: : How's the disco party?!And we all have to pretend it's funny.
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Apr 21, 2010 15:07
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Torka posted:What does this mean? I don't understand. Traditionally, soup comes first in a meal while nuts represents the desert (the last part). I had to look this up a few weeks ago. CuriousSymptoms posted:Did I mention they're still running IE6? Haha, we are, too. I also work for a company with tens of thousands of employees... all running IE6. Wagoneer fucked around with this message at 16:26 on Apr 21, 2010 |
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Apr 21, 2010 16:09
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Sundae posted:Meetings Remove the chairs in your meeting room. Meetings will magically shorten. Also, another thing you can do is charge $1 per meeting (if you're in the position to). People will often think twice. SheepNameKiller posted:Traditional in retard town maybe. Whoever thought of that phrase should be shot. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soup_to_nuts
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Apr 21, 2010 16:25
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Doctor Butts posted:Haha you are so not corporate, dude. Psh, but with $1,500 and a free weekend, he could be a black belt.
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Apr 21, 2010 21:13
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meatcookie posted:Thanks, thread. Every now and then I wonder if I did the right thing by leaving and this just confirmed for me that "construction" was the right choice. I'm far happier now and have been ever since I left the corporate world. I never really fit in in the first place and I'd be even less likely to now, I think. The thread is titled "Reasons I no longer want to work in corporate," not really "Reasons I enjoy working on corporate." I don't think this really confirms anything except that sometimes your job can suck... bad. If you're happy, though, more power to you.
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Apr 21, 2010 22:05
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Scrapez posted:Oh hot drat. We've laid off the majority of our American employees and replaced them with Indian contractors or employees. Get an intern to take the meeting minutes.
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Apr 22, 2010 06:21
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Dr. Steve Brule posted:Sometimes I wish I was a contractor, they get to eat in their cubes. YOU TAKE THAT BACK, SIR! Many contractors get paid a lot, but we're all treated like scum and tossed into what they call a "dugout". Like we don't even have cubes - those are for employees (we used to have cubes  ) We have no job security, no benefits. I am still paid like an intern. I was brought on board as a contractor after my internship and they were like "$6/hr raise!"... and I was like "Okay! " We're not legally allowed to have lunch with the company, but it's okay since we're supposed to be "paid more." gently caress that.Whatever, though, it's (very) good experience.
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Apr 22, 2010 14:58
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ChuckMaster posted:Decent ending. Hey, at least things worked out.
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Apr 22, 2010 16:41
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I just went to a final interview today with the VP of the company that's interested in me. Apparently I was the only one who made it to the final interview, they said I was a top candidate, and now they're making me wait more than a day to find out if I got the job  I won't be able to sleep tonight - I want to put in my 2 weeks so bad. I turned down employment for another company, despite high pay, because I didn't think I would enjoy it. The interview went great today; but I won't know that it was great, necessarily, because I won't hear anything until tomorrow!  Very e/n, but hopefully I'll have a good quitting story coming up soon.
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Apr 23, 2010 04:52
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So I figured out payroll made another error! First, I was overpaid for a few months, so right before Christmas, they told me I owed them $1200 for an error they had made 3 months prior! Well, I worked for free for 2 weeks, and NOW I figure out they accidentally sent me 2 paychecks back in September! Goodbye to another $1000.
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Apr 23, 2010 20:34
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KevinCow posted:I've had a corporate job for about a month now, and I have just one question for those of you who have been doing it for years: How have you not shot yourself yet? I can already feel it draining my soul away. Alcohol and cigars for me. A little weed here and there, but not too often.
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Apr 24, 2010 01:48
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So who hears and visualizes this 12 times per day? SME - Subject Matter Expert. Context: It's not enough to say "S" "M" "E" or even "Expert"... it's Smee. Wagoneer fucked around with this message at 07:01 on Apr 26, 2010 |
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Apr 26, 2010 06:30
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Hey can I have the latest version of the change request report? It hasn't changed over the last 2 weeks. The change that I sumitted moved. So I go into Excel and type in "Under Review" into a box... because it's easier to type an email than to click on a box and type. I am sick of making all of my loving documents idiot-proof. It's like no one has ever used Microsoft Office. How loving hard is to set your own goddamn printing options? How hard is it to type in a CELL? Is it even more difficult to ZOOM OUT when you can't see the whole sheet? gently caress you, learn Excel.
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Apr 26, 2010 16:24
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Broken Knees Club posted:I think this is nothing short of blackmail material on your bosses. Yeah, but if the data is wrong, he's hosed. Edit: HA! Just got MeetingPlace ID # 1337... Sometimes it's the little things... 
Wagoneer fucked around with this message at 17:33 on Apr 26, 2010 |
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Apr 26, 2010 17:09
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Tip for those who are new to corporate: Don't turn projects around quickly. Sit on it. Don't submit it until you absolutely have to. We know you're good at Excel - you're probably the best ever. You don't have to prove that, though, because no one else knows how to use it. Small projects suddenly become larger! In fact, right now I'm "working on" some spreadsheets. It won't land on my boss's desk until 5PM. Oh yes, it's finished - if he asks where it is I'll say I just sent it to him (that's when you send it). You then work your way over to his/her desk for some feedback. Always good to get some face time.
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Apr 26, 2010 21:39
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So today I'm sitting at my desk. I am doing my usual copy-paste Excel work that my boss seems to think I enjoy. Anyways, I am asked to count the amount of physical standards documents we have. Fair request - someone may want to know, sure. So I count them. Then my boss's boss comes in and proclaims that my counting is wrong. According to HER speculation, I was off by about 35 documents (roughly half). That's when I audibly muttered "what the gently caress!" Not sure if she heard me (seems a few people around me did, judging by their laughing). Point is, I've taken Calculus 4 and they don't trust my loving counting. I sat there with my boss, who was kind of laughing, counting each individual file with him after that.
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Apr 27, 2010 17:22
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the posted:And how many were there? 75 - it was an intense count, soup-to-nuts. I circled back with my boss and grouped each one in a bucket corresponding to the process. I scheduled a lunch and learn kickoff and we handed the final count out to the SMEs.
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Apr 27, 2010 17:36
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What the gently caress is up with people talking to me in the goddamn bathrooms? It only happens here.
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Apr 27, 2010 18:49
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Clamps McGraw posted:Me: Yeah, sounds like you just got a lesson in corporate math! Here's an exerpt from a meeting:  - One market - Another market - My boss: So our plan is to come up with metrics that we can agree on, like your budget.: Well we factor in our goals in the budget, so our GOAL may be 5% over our budget.: That's fine, you can come up with your own numbers, but here at corporate, we won't be looking at that.: Sounds fair, I think we can come up with some numbers that work for us!: Yeah! It'll be easier, we can work together to make our numbers look better!: That's not the po-: -This is going to be great! I can't wait!: No, you're not getting it. The idea is not to embellish your numbers!: I don't follow.Unfortunately, these guys keep their job based on having good numbers. They have every reason to embellish them. This is going to be a tough project 
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Apr 29, 2010 14:22
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Internet Cliche posted:Hey corporate people: how many hours a day do you think you spend at a computer? Anything on the internet worth reading is blocked, so for me, it's do my time at work, drive home, then back to the computer after I eat something. I do manage to get some exercise in here occasionally. And all I see out in the distance is this lifestyle. I guess I came in expecting too much. Heh, nothing is blocked for me. I have a corporate imaged computer, but I was contracted after I interned. Basically, the contract company is supposed to keep track of my browsing while I have a computer imaged with my predecessor's MAC address/image. Basically, I browse SA most of the day. Spend a solid 8 hours per day at work on the computer. It's nice, though.
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Apr 30, 2010 05:15
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Just curious to see how many bosses everyone has. I have 5.
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May 2, 2010 18:58
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Anyone else have a Cinco de Mayo lunch on Wed? Get your party hat on! We're going to a Mexican restaurant! Party time. Sounds like fun. Maybe we can have some tacos and talk about how much we're trying to go on a diet, but today we are going to break the rules. We'll break the ice by giving the people who showed up 1 or 2 minutes late a hard time. "Sorry, Susan, we already ordered! Hahaaaa! I'm kidding!" She then plays along and says: "It's okay, I'll just eat these delicious chips!" As she picks up a large triangular tortilla chip and bites half of it. We order only something that costs less than what the manager orders. Let's make a "funny" comment about how the budget doesn't support this... ... Oh, I get it... because it does support it. I got that joke. We'll talk about work - how did those reports go, John? Got them done? Fantastic. Hey, I'm interested in hearing about your family's medical problems. Your life is so much more difficult than mine. Let me try to one-up you anyways and we can agree how our lives both suck. Now we'll make a joke about the bill: "Bob said he would get it! Hahahaha!" Everyone's so exciting, I wish I had gone.
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May 7, 2010 05:49
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I just signed and emailed my job offer today! I can't sleep It's like Christmas! I typed up resignation letters, even though I am a contractor (I still respect them immensely). Edit: And this: Pixelante posted:Yeah, the move kind of killed it. I don't see how this thread is any different than the "Reasons I No Longer Desire to Work in Retail" thread, except that most of us probably had hope when we started our jobs. Wagoneer fucked around with this message at 06:10 on May 14, 2010 |
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May 14, 2010 06:03
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quote:Please don't print this email unless it's necessary. Go Green. I'm going to put this in my email signature then ask for 300 copies of a file that could just as easily be shown on a projector. 
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May 16, 2010 19:02
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gently caress my goddamn office area. 8 business days left until I start my new job. That's all. Like, I am not in a cube, but instead in this "dugout." I can't remember if I went over this before... they pile all of the contractors and consultants in here. Anyways, I can't loving make a phone call. The guy next to me makes these 30-minute phone calls and doesn't control THE loving VOLUME OF HIS VOICE. Here's me about to leave a message:  : Thanks for calling, I am not in, please leave a message.: Hi Greg I- : DA METRICS GO HERE. YEA. LOOK AT DA SPREADSHEET I SEND YOU. YEA. YEA? YEA. YEA DA SPREADSHEET HAS ALL THE DATA.: Uh... I'll... : YEA I THOUGHT DIS DATA WAS AVAILABLE DAT'S ALL DAT HAPPENED. YEA. YEA CONTACT HIM AND I'LL GET DIS DONE.: Uhh... call you back. *hangs up*I hate phones
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May 19, 2010 15:44
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Never found Dilbert funny. Even before it really started characterizing every single day of my work life, it was a pretty boring strip.spog posted:When The Office first came out, I didn't laugh once. I can't laugh at this one either... except the British version. I feel their characters have a lot more substance than the American version.
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May 24, 2010 06:51
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