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What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only 20% of what comes out of her vagina is retarded. But you seem to want a long-form joke, so try this: A man walks into a bar. He tells the bartender, "I bet you $500 I can put this shot glass all the way at the other end of the bar, and pee into it from here without spilling a drop." The bartender shrugs it off until the man puts his money on the table. "You're crazy," says the bartender. "But I accept." So the man places the shot glass at the far end of the bar, carefully paces off the distance, checks the wind, unzips his trousers, and starts to relieve himself. And he just goes absolutely everywhere: on the bar, the bottles behind the bar, the TV, the bartender, just everywhere. And when he's finished, the shot glass is still completely empty. The bartender laughs at him, and the man starts grinning from ear to ear. After collecting his money, the bartender says, "You know, you're a real piece of work. You just lost $500, what are you so happy about?" "Because I bet that guy outside $1000 I could piss all over your bar and you'd just laugh it off."
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Jun 23, 2010 03:57
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This one works best in a one on one setting: So there's a turtle on the side of the freeway, he's missing two legs and his head. How does he get across the road? Stumped? Well, just take the 'f' out of 'free' and the 'f' out of 'way' and you'll have your answer. "there's no f in way" also: So man is walking through the woods at night with an 8 year old boy. The boy looks up at the man and says "I'm scared." The man looks down at the boy and says "You're scared? I have to walk back out of these woods alone."
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Jun 23, 2010 04:12
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TerminalSaint posted:So man is walking through the woods at night with an 8 year old boy. This one's great-- Paul Mooney adapted it to make fun of Hollywood killing off pretty young white women by white men (in movies, obviously). It goes something like this: White man takes a white woman off to the mountains for "camping". The woman gets scared while walking to the campsite and the guy says "you're scared? I have to walk back alone, hauling your dead body" What did the therapist say to the rude donkey? You come off a bit a-bray-sive. What did me and my best friend say last weekend when we were partying with Paris Hilton and 3 of her hot friends? That didn't happen. Oh God I'm so lonely. And of course: Better Nate than Lever
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Jun 23, 2010 04:19
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McCloud24 posted:Me: "My grandfather died in a concentration camp, you know." The follow-up to this joke is even better, usually requires a third person, and is an understandably great way to draw horrified looks from passers-by. (guard tower joke gets told) Person 3: What the hell? My grandfather actually did die in a concentration camp Person 1 or 2: Oh my god, I'm so sorry...how did it happen? Person 3: Well, he was walking around the fence and a drunk Nazi fell on him.
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Jun 23, 2010 05:09
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This joke requires the presence of a man who you know the first and last names of and who won't mind being poked fun at. I'll use Lowtax for this. Three guys are visiting Ireland. They stop for beers at a pub just down the street from the Guiness Hall of World Records. They're drinking and they notice a sign behind the bar that reads: "Anyone who brings in a certificate proving they earned a place in the Book of World Records will get a free drink." The first guy says, "I've got some pretty huge hands. I should see if they're World Record-worthy." He heads out the door and returns a short time later with a certificate. He has the World's Biggest Hands and he gets his free drink. The second guy says, "Wow! You know, I've got really big feet. I'm going to try for the record." He heads out the door, returning a short time later, certificate in hand. He gets his free drink. The first two guys look expectantly at the third one. The third guy looks embarassed and doesn't say anything for a couple seconds, but then gives into pressure and says, "Well, I've got a really small... dick... Maybe that's worth a free drink." He shuffles out the door. A short time later, the third guy returns with a smile on his face and a spring in his step. The first two guys ask, "Did you set the record?" The third guy says, "No, but I'm sure glad I'm not Richard Kyanka!"
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Jun 23, 2010 05:54
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A guy walks into a bar with three ducks. He and the ducks sit down at the bar and he says, "I'd like a beer, and a shot of whiskey for each of my talking ducks." The bartender gives him a look, but pulls their drinks all the same. After a few minutes, the bartender approaches the guy and asks if the ducks really can talk. Guy says, 'Sure do, ask 'em anything you want.' So the bartender goes up to the first duck and says, 'Hey bud, what's your name?' Duck says, 'My name's Huey.' Bartender's a bit shocked, but asks, 'Well, Huey, how's your day been?' Duck says, 'My day has been absolutely wonderful, I've been in and out of puddles all day. It's just been a real treat, thanks for asking!' Bartender nods and smiles, turns to the second duck. 'So pal, what's your name?' Duck says, 'My name's Dewey.' 'Well, Dewey, how ya doin' today?' 'I'm am fantastic. I've been in and out of puddles all day. It really has been the best day ever, thanks for asking!' Bartender nods and smiles, turns to the last duck and says, 'Let me guess, you're Louie, right?' Duck looks at him, takes the shot and says, 'No, my name's Puddles and don't even ask about my loving day.' An Irishman accepts a job in America which requires him to move away from his homeland and his two brothers. Everyday after work, he goes to the local bar, sits down and orders three beers. This goes on for a couple days before the bartender says, 'Hey man, you know you can order just one at a time, right?' The Irishman says, 'Oh, I know, it's just that me and my two brothers would always go out for a pint after work, and doing this makes me feel like I'm at home, drinking with them again.' The bartender smiles and says, 'Oh that's real nice to hear man.' A few weeks pass, and one day the Irishman comes in, but he only orders two beers. The bartender waits a couple days before saying anything, then approaches the Irishman. 'Hey man, I'm real sorry, it looks like something happened to one of your brothers.' Irishman says, 'Oh no, nothing happened to them, I just stopped drinking.'
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Jun 23, 2010 06:51
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender, concerned, says "hey buddy you realize you have a wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate responds "YYAAARR I know it's drivin me nuts." Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
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Jun 23, 2010 07:08
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TerminalSaint posted:So man is walking through the woods at night with an 8 year old boy. Well if we're going to start in with tasteless jokes: What's the difference between an apple and a 3 year old? I don't gently caress the apple before I eat it.
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Jun 23, 2010 07:36
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Three nuns die in a car accident and find themselves at heaven's gate. St. Peter says, "You will be free to enter heaven if each of you can answer a religious question." The nuns think that's a pretty fair deal. St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who were the first man and woman that God created?" The nun answers, "Adam and Eve." St. Peter says that's correct and asks the second nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?" The second nun says, "The Garden of Eden." St. Paul says that's correct and moves on to the third nun. He says, "Since you were the Mother Superior, your question is going to be a bit harder. Tell me, what did Eve say when Adam first saw her?" The final nun is really stumped on this question and says, "My that is a hard one!" St. Peter says, "That is correct."
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Jun 23, 2010 09:48
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Oh, I love jokes! I've got several that I like telling: ---- Short one: "When I die, I hope I die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers." ---- Long one: "The Davidson's have been invited to visit some old friends of theirs that they haven't seen in a long time. The hosts have just moved into a new farmhouse and seem keen to catch up. The Davidson's arrive and are warmly greeted by their hosts, and then sit around the table for a good old-fashioned family-and-friends dinner. The meal is delicious, the convesation is stimulating, and they're all having a great evening. Suddenly the door to the dining room gets nudged open, and a three-legged pig hobbles into the room, the Davidson's watching on somewhat bemused. The pig hobbles up next to the table and then lies down. Mr Davidson asks, 'Hey, what's the story with that pig?' Their host replies, 'Well, that's actually quite the story! See, that pig saved our lives! At our old farmstead, a fire broke out in the middle of the night - that's actually why we've moved in here. We were all asleep in bed at the time, and we didn't have any smoke alarms. This pig here, it smelled the smoke, but it didn't run, no sir: it actually barged into our rooms and dragged us out of our beds. If it hadn't woken us up, I'm sure we would have died in that fire!' The Davidson's listen on in fascination as their host finishes the story, noddingfor emphasis. 'Wow, that's quite an amazing story alright!', says Mr Davidson. 'But what I was really wondering is, why's the pig only got three legs?' Their host replies, 'Well if you had a pig that good you wouldn't eat it all at once, would you?'" ---- One of my favourite interactive jokes is (of all things) a knock-knock joke, although I fear too many people may have heard it these days. Anyway, it goes like this: "You: Knock knock! Them: Who's there? You: Interruption Cow! Them: Inter- You: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Works great if they're not expecting it. ---- Lastly, *adlib* Punchline: "...The Aristocrats!"
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Jun 23, 2010 10:18
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Daddy shark and son shark are swimming in the ocean when they happen to find a sunk boat, with a group of humans swimming above it. "Daddy, Daddy, look! There are some humans! Let's eat them!" son shark excitedly exclaims. "Son, I will show you how to properly eat them." his father answers. "First, we'll swim up there and cricle them a few times with just the tips of our back fins showing!" And so they swim up there, circle the humans a few times, then dive back down. "Daddy, can we eat them now?" son shark asks. "I'm hungry!" "No, son." daddy shark replies. "Now we'll swim up there again and circle them a few times. But this time we'll show them our full back fins!" And so they do. Once they are done, they dive back down. "And now, daddy? Please let's eat them now!" son shark beggs. "Yes, son. Now we can eat them!" daddy shark replies, and they swim up to the surface and eat all the humans. Afterward, they continue swimming happily with full bellies. "Say, daddy..." son shark asks, "why did we do all that circling before we ate them?" Daddy shark smiles. "Simple, son. They taste much better if you scare the poo poo out of them first!"
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Jun 23, 2010 11:04
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I have saved a lot from an old joke thread from two years ago (http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2882379, requires archives), so here we go with some stuff from there: ----- Three archaeologists are traveling through the Amazon jungle in search of relics when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken before the chief of the tribe, who says, "Go forth into the forest and bring back 10 fruits of the same type." So, off they go into the forest. After several hours, the first archaeologist returns with ten apples and stands before the chief. The chief says, "Shove all ten apples up your rear end without changing the expression on your face. If your expression changes, we will boil you alive and eat you." The archaeologist drops trough and grabs the first apple, but it doesn't get halfway up his rear end before he grimaces in pain. The tribe boils him alive and eats him. Several hours later, the second archaeologist returns with ten berries. The chief gives him the same instructions. The archaeologist chuckles to himself, drops trough, and begins shoving tiny berries up his rear end. One berry. Two berries. Three berries. Four berries. Suddenly, he bursts out laughing. The tribe kills him and eats him. In the afterlife, the first two archaeologists are having this discussion. Dave: What happened, Joe? You had that in the bag. Joe: I know! But I lost my poo poo when I saw Dwight coming back from the jungle with ten pineapples in his hands! [Copied from forums member Koala] -----  How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Dunno man, how many?  THAT'S loving RIGHT YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE! YOU WEREN'T loving THERE MAN![Copied from forums member Ana] ----- A young man is newly incarcerated in a prison he has never been to before. He's standing in the yard when he hears another inmate yell at the top of his lungs, "Fifty-six!" The whole hard erupts in laughter, and he's confused by this. Later, on the cell block, he hears another inmate yell, "Thirty-nine!" Again, all of the other inmates bust up laughing. It happens again at the next recreation period when another inmate yells, "Twenty-seven!" He approaches a table full of older inmates playing cards and asks why everyone started laughing when numbers are yelled. One of the men explains that since they have been there so long, they have already heard all of the jokes so they just assigned them a number to save time. In an attempt to fit in, the young man turns to face the rest of the yard and yells, "Forty-two!" Nothing happens. One of the old men turns to the rest and says, "Some folks just can't tell a joke." [Copied from forums member IrritationX] ----- Finally, a stupidly offensive joke: A rabbi and a Catholic priest are driving together and they pass a young boy walking home from school. The priest says "Hey, do you want to go screw that little boy?" The rabbi replies, "Out of what?" [Copied from forums member Heart Iris]
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Jun 23, 2010 11:07
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Pope Benedict dies and reaches the gates of heaven. They are closed, so he knocks. "Yes?" St. Peter asks, as he opens a small window in the gate and looks outside. "I am Pope Benedict, and I have come to take my place in heaven!" Benedict announces. St. Peter's brows furrow and he asks "Er... who?" "I am Pope Benedict, head of the Catholic Church!" St. Peter still looks puzzled. "Ok... wait here, I'll ask around" He closes the window, leaves the gate and soon finds archangel Michael. "Hey, Michael! There's this guy at the gates who wants in, Pope Benedict, head of the Catholic Church... you ever heard of him?" But Michael has no idea, and St. Peter returns to the gate and opens the window. "Ah, sorry, but I asked around and I still have no idea who you are." "What??" Pope Benedict exclaims, "But I am the Pope! I am God's highest representative on earth!" St. Peter sighs. "Ok, ok, I'll ask him. But you better not just made that up!" And so St. Peter leaves and goes to God - who also has never heared about some Pope or a Catholic Church. "Peter, why don't you ask Jesus? He used to hang out on earth some time back." So St. Peter goes to seek out Jesus. When he finds him, Jesus also doesn't know anything about that guy at the gates. But he agrees to check out things on earth to get a clue. Soon afterward, as St. Peter is returning to the gates, Jesus suddenly appears in front of him, laughing his rear end off. "Oh Peter, you won't believe this... Remember how when I went to earth about 2000 years ago, I founded that fishing club? You won't believe it, it's still around!"
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Jun 23, 2010 12:49
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Knock knock Who's there Not [Insert Dead Celebrity] their dead. I generally go with Madaline Mcann When I die I want to go out in my sleep, peacefully like my Grandad, Not screaming and crying like his passengers Edit - beaten gosh darn it Popeahuntis has a new favorite as of 14:07 on Jun 23, 2010 |
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Jun 23, 2010 14:03
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The funniest/horrible joke from recent memory was one from Ricky Gervais' stand up tour. SPOILER ALERT! If you ever plan on seeing his stand up routine don't read this as it gives away his whole final bit. He asked the audience not to spoil it for others so I just have to stress this. A father is sitting in the living room reading the paper as his young daughter runs in crying. Father: Oh honey what's wrong? Daughter: Daddy something happened at the park today. Father: Uh huh? Something with you and your little friends? Daughter: No, I was playing with friends when this big man came. Father: Oh... Daughter: He told my friends to leave and then it was just us alone. Father: Oh dear. Then what did he do? Daughter: He brought me over to the bathrooms. Father: Uh huh? Daughter: Then he pushed me against the wall. Father: No, no... then what happened? Daughter: Then he told me to take off my clothes. Father: Oh god... did you? Daughter: Yeah. He was so scary. Father: (Overwhelmed) Oh Jesus! Daughter: Then he pulled out his thing. Father: Oh god! Then what happened? Daughter: Nothing that was it. Father: (jerking off) Well make something up!
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Jun 23, 2010 15:28
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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Jun 23, 2010 15:48
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Popeahuntis posted:Knock knock Their dead what?
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Jun 23, 2010 15:54
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My all-time favorite, if only because it's short enoughthat I can deliver it without loving it up. Why do you wrap hamsters in duct tape? So they don't explode when you gently caress 'em! And, What do you call a rabbit with diarrhea? Bugs Runny.
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Jun 23, 2010 16:11
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Couple of engineering jokes: An engineer is walking down the street when he sees his friend (also an engineer) riding a new bike towards him. He asks "Hey, where'd you get that bike?" His friend replies, "The strangest thing happened to me. I was walking through the park when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, took off her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The first engineer thinks for a moment and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit." ----- Three engineers are debating intelligent design. They've allowed for the sake of argument that God exists, and are discussing what type of engineer he is. The first engineer says "God was clearly a mechanical engineer. Take the human body for example. It's a physical machine capable of dynamically adapting to challenges that contains its own power source and is even capable of self-repair. It's a marvel of design!" The second engineer says, "Well, if we're talking about the human body, then it makes more sense to me that God is an electrical engineer. Consider the nervous system. The human brain is the most advanced neural network known to man. It's capable of synthesis in ways we scarcely know how to model with computers. God is an electrical engineer; there's no two ways about it." The third engineer starts chuckling to himself, and when the first two ask him why, he says, "It's just that you're so far off the mark. God is clearly a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste water line through a recreational area?"
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Jun 23, 2010 17:08
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"
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Jun 24, 2010 03:26
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Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. One asks the other "could you please pass the soap?" The other replies "What do I look like, a cash register?" It's terrible unless executed properly. The only way it works is if you pretend it's really funny, choke back fake laughter throughout, and burst out laughing at some point during it.
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Jun 24, 2010 03:39
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The Steak Justice posted:Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. One asks the other "could you please pass the soap?" The other replies "What do I look like, a cash register?" No I think I'm gonna do it deadpan, it's awesome, thanks. edit: I like penguin jokes. So this guy's got a ton of penguins in his car and he's driving down the freeway and a cop pulls him over. "Buddy, what's with all the penguins?" "Hey, officer, I'm takin em to the zoo." "Oh, ok buddy, go ahead." Two days later the cop sees the guy with a carload of fuckin penguins again so he pulls him over and says "Buddy, I thought you said you were gonna take the penguins to the zoo!" "I did, today we're goin to the movies." Ballsworthy has a new favorite as of 03:48 on Jun 24, 2010 |
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Jun 24, 2010 03:41
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A couple of guys were at a bar and one says "man, I don't know what to do. Every night I go home, turn the car off and coast into the driveway with the lights off, I sneak in with my shoes off, put my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg so it won't splash, and slide into bed as quietly as I can and my wife still always wakes up angry because I came home late." His friend laughs and says "You're doing it all wrong. I come screeching home on two wheels, burst in and slam the door, throw my shoes at the wall, leap in bed, slap my wife on the rear end and yell 'Who's horny, baby!' and she never wakes up!"
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Jun 24, 2010 07:15
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My favorite to tell for the last few years. Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. "I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
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Jun 24, 2010 07:28
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Where does the three-legged horse live? In the unstable!
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Jun 24, 2010 08:02
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Egg Jokes! A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The Chicken lights up a cigarette and says, "well, I guess we answered THAT question." Two eggs are put into a pot of boiling water, one says to the other, "It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid."
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Jun 24, 2010 14:59
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What do you call it when a therapist falls down? A Freudian slip!
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Jun 24, 2010 16:04
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My favorite, although it's a bit dated: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken The joke shouldn't work anymore, but technically, it does.
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Jun 24, 2010 16:05
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So this dude joins a hunting club and he's at a party where he's being introduced to the oldest member of the club, so he asks the guy for his favorite hunting story. "Well son, that would've been in Africa back in '44 we was big game huntin in the Savannah. I was passin by this thorn thicket the biggest drat lion in all of Africa jumps out at me gives a great roar. Well sir I just poo poo my pants." "Ha, yeah, I probably would have too." "No, I mean now."
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Jun 24, 2010 16:09
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What did the Communist parents say to their son on the last day of school? quit Stalin and show us your Marx!
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Jun 24, 2010 17:16
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On his day off, Steve decides he wants to go duck hunting, and starts calling up his friends to see if anyone wants to go with. One by one, he is rejected, until the only person left to call is his pastor. He calls, and the pastor agrees. Fast forward to later that day, Steve and the pastor are stalking through brush. A stick cracks under Steve's foot, and a single duck flies up 20 feet away. Steve fires once, and misses. "God drat it!" Steve said under his breath, putting another shell into the shotgun. "Now Steve, you must not say the Lord's name in vain. He normally gives people 3 chances, and that was your first." Said the pastor, shaking his head. Steve apologizes and they start walking again. Some time later, two more ducks fly up 10 feet away from them, Steve fires twice and misses both times. "God drat it I missed again!" Steve yells, throwing his hat on the ground. "This is your second warning Steve, you must not say the Lord's name in vain." Says the father, shaking his finger. Steve apologizes again, and says a silent prayer for repentance to impress the pastor with his faithfulness. The day continued to drag on, and sunset was nearing as they approached a shallow swamp. Suddenly the swamp erupted with ducks, hundreds if not thousands explosively took wing in front of Steve, who began firing his shotgun madly into the Duck-mass. After the Ducks had cleared, Steve and the pastor began looking for any he might had hit. Somehow, not a single duck had been shot. Steve immediately threw his shotgun to the ground and began cursing like a sailor, shouting every foul word in his small vocabulary, not forgetting to throw the good Lords name several times. The pastor silently stood back from Steve, who had stopped cursing, and both now watch a giant storm form overhead. "I warned you Steve, not to say his name! Now you will be punished!" Yelled the pastor over the wind and thunder. A lightning bolt tore down from the center of the spiral storm, and ripped directly through the skull of the pastor, turning him instantly into a pile of toasted ashes, and from heaven a powerful voice shouted "God loving drat it! I missed again!"
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Jun 24, 2010 17:48
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When I originally heard this last year it was with a different person Patrick Swayze, but you can substitute anyone you want. What do Gary Coleman and Stevie Wonder have in common? -Neither one of them will see Christmas
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Jun 24, 2010 18:35
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Robert Analog posted:When I originally heard this last year it was with a different person Patrick Swayze, but you can substitute anyone you want. If Stevie dies this year I'm coming after you.
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Jun 24, 2010 18:39
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Guy walks into a posh penthouse bar and sits down to get a drink when one of the regulars calls him over to an open window. "Hey, check this out," the regular says, and he jumps out the window, does a few backflips in mid-air, and comes shooting back into the bar. "Wow, how'd you do that?" the guy asks. "Well, there's an updraft that flows around this building at certain times of the day. Go ahead, try it for yourself!" So the guy jumps out the window and falls 30 stories to his death. The bartender says to the regular, "You're a real rear end in a top hat when you're drunk, Superman."
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Jun 24, 2010 19:49
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Probably been posted before, certainly old, but I'll be hosed if everyone I've told this to face to face hasn't heard it before. So a duck walks into a bar and hops on a barstool. The bartender walks up and asks, "So what'll it be?" The duck asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender apologizes and says, "We don't have any grapes, but there's a supermarket down the street if you want some grapes." So, the duck walks out. 5 minutes pass, and the duck walks back in and hops up on the stool. "You have any grapes?" The bartender, confused, replies, "Now son the supermarket's down the street. We didn't have grapes 5 minutes ago, so why would we have grapes now?" So the duck walks out. 10 minutes pass, and the duck walks back in and hops up on the stool. "You have any grapes?" Now the bartender gets mad and says, "We're not a supermarket! We don't have any grapes, we never had any grapes, and we never will have any grapes! Now get out of here, and if you come in here asking for grapes again, I'll nail your feet to the barstool!" So the duck walks out. 15 minutes later, the duck walks back in and hops up on the stool. The duck pauses a second as the bartender stares him down. "Do you have any nails?" he asks. "Nails?!" the bartender explodes. "What does this look like, a hardware store? Of course we don't have any nails!" "Good," the duck replies, "do you have any grapes?" Another one: A guy is married to a total nymphomaniac, but he has to go out of town for a few days on business and is worried that she won't be able to contain herself if she's left alone for too long. So he goes to an adult store and explains the situation to the clerk. The clerk shows him all manner of dildos, vibrators, and other toys, but the man decides that none of them will satisfy his wife. So, the clerk goes behind the counter and pulls out a wooden box. He opens it to reveal a very smoothly polished wooden dildo. "This here will keep any woman satisfied. We call it the voodoo dick. We can't let you keep it, but we'll let you rent it while you're out of town." "A voodoo dick? What the hell are you trying to pull?" the man asks. "Voodoo dick: the door!" the clerk commands. At that, the dildo jumps up out of the box, flies over to the door and begins trying to gently caress the keyhole of the door with a maddening frenzy. "Holy poo poo!" the man exclaims, "That's incredible! How much?" "$200 a day," the clerk says. "Voodoo dick: back in the box!" At that, the dildo flies back into the box and lays there, motionless. "I'll take it," the man says, putting the box under his arm, smiling. At home, he breaks the bad news to his wife: he has to leave for a few days. The wife looks genuinely worried and pleads with him to stay; she doesn't trust herself while he's gone, but promises to try to behave. "You don't have to," her husband explains. "I bought you a present. It's a very special dildo. All you have to do is say 'voodoo dick' and then the name of the place where you want it to go, and it'll start loving it until you say 'voodoo dick: back in the box'." The wife eyes it suspiciously, but her husband's testimony of what happened in the store convinces her. Before he leaves, she promises that she'll be on her best behavior and that she'll try to wait for him to come back, but that she'll use the voodoo dick if she needs to. Days pass, and the woman's insatiability has finally reached a breaking point. She had tried everything she could think of, but it hasn't been enough. Opening the box, she takes a deep breath and says, "Voodoo dick: my pussy!" Immediately the dildo springs to life and begins pounding away. She comes again and again, loving every moment, but when she's finally satisfied, she can't remember what she was supposed to say to get it to stop. After trying everything she could think of in her agitated state, she decides to get in the car and drive to the hospital to get it surgically removed. As she drives down the highway, swerving uncontrollably, she gets pulled over for her erratic driving by a state trooper. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" he asks smugly. In between gasps, whimpers, and gulps, she responds "I-I-I-I'm s-sorry, officer, but I-I-I can't get this voodoo dick out of my pussy, it w-w-w-w-won't stop f-f-loving me." The officer cocks and eyebrow and says, "Yeah, right. Voodoo dick my rear end."
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Jun 24, 2010 19:52
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Eclipse12 posted:My favorite, although it's a bit dated: An alternate punchline I've heard is Christopher Alive.
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Jun 24, 2010 19:59
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This joke, to this day, is one of my favorites. Only certain people will "get it", usually fun-loving people who love random humor. You must express in advance that it's the most retarded joke they'll ever hear. Put your own delivery on it, make it yours. A man comes home from work to find his wife in bed making passionate love with another man. He cannot believe the sight in front of his eyes. Distressed and betrayed, he storms out of the house and starts sobbing in his car. The only way he knows how to cope with his problems is to drink, so he goes to the bar, walks inside, and orders whiskey, straight up. After a few drinks he looks around the establishment and sees a whale sitting at the bar to his right! A full-sized whale just sitting on a bar stool, minding his own business, having a drink and looking sad. He looks at his glass and decides that he's probably had enough for the night and leaves. The next day, he is distracted and depressed at work, and is just a general mess. The boss, who had tired of his questionable work ethic anyway, decides this is the last straw and fires him. The man, overwhelmed by this latest bad news, cleans out his office and leaves. He decides, of course, to go to the bar, the only place that can make him feel better. He walks inside and orders his usual whiskey, straight up. Well, after a drink or two he idly looks around the bar again and wouldn't you know it, there's that drat whale! The man dismisses this grand vision as a product of his inebriation, but decides that if he ever sees this whale again then it must be real. Distraught and alone, he goes to his hotel room for the night. The next morning he is driving to the lawyer's to file his divorce papers when his car breaks down. The man is at his wit's end. In the only stroke of good luck that he's had, it just so happens that he broke down in front of the bar. In no mood to walk and with nothing else to do, he walks inside for a drink. Whiskey, straight up. He sits down and looks around the bar while waiting for his drink and, there's that goddamn whale again! He asks the bartender "What the hell is that whale doing in here?" The bartender replies "I dunno, why don't you ask him?" So he turns to the whale and says "Hey! Whale! What are you doing in here? Why are you here, in the bar, having a drink when you should be out in the sea?" The whale slowly turns to look at him and says... (make your best whale noise impression) ...Whales can't talk! Augustus Rumpus has a new favorite as of 22:09 on Jun 24, 2010 |
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Jun 24, 2010 22:05
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3 nuns are painting rooms inside a new house. Its the middle of summer and the AC hasn't been installed yet so they're frying in there. "Maybe we should take off our clothes," one nun suggests. The others agree and they remove their clothes but keep their coifs (head coverings) on as sweat catchers if nothing else. All of a sudden there is a knock at the front door and they scurry to the front door. "Who is it?" they ask. "Blind man." comes the response. "Oh hes blind so we don't need to put our clothes back on." They open the door and Nice tits, sister. Where do you want the blinds?
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Jun 24, 2010 23:10
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How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? "Don't bother, I'm fine sitting here alone in the dark."
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Jun 25, 2010 02:12
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| # ? May 3, 2024 18:46 |
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How do you know when a midget is being perverted? He tells you your hair smells nice Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets? He wanted to run his hands through his hair What do you do when your phone sex partner hangs up on you? You star-69 them
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Jun 25, 2010 02:29
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