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CharlesWillisMaddox posted:
What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back? A STICK!, Except I say it with a TON of excitement.
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Jun 25, 2010 04:01
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Merely Adequate posted:Well if we're going to start in with tasteless jokes: I don't see how it's tasteless. Presumably he's going to drop the lad off at his grandmother's house. Why, how did you interpret it?
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Jun 25, 2010 04:14
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Popeahuntis posted:Knock knock Gasmask posted:Their dead what?  Knock knock. Who's there? Not [insert Dead Celebrity]; s/he's dead. Better? 
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Jun 25, 2010 04:37
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I do so love a well executed shaggy dog story. This is a good one to set up with a bunch of people, where you can get and hold their attention and can count on at least one of them asking the right question at the right time: Start out with a tale of opening an old trunk in your grandma's attic, throw in details of stuff inside like a jar full of coins from the 1800s, keep cool with coolidge campaign button, etc. and then lead into "my great-great uncle's diary". He was a newspaperman in Abilene it seems, he printed the first newspaper there in that famous cowtown. The last 2 pages in his diary recount how his house caught on fire one night. He woke up just in time, and barely escaped with his life. Everything he had burned up. All he had left was his nightshirt and his newspaper office. Being a dedicated newsman, he ignored his plight and went into town the next morning to get the paper out. Of course, he couldn't do business in his nightshirt, so he fashioned a suit out of newspaper. Newspaper pants, shirt, vest, and even a hat. He got the paper printed that day, but as night was falling, the sheriff arrested him and the next day he was hanged by the neck until dead. At this point, somebody should exclaim, "Hanged? What for???" For rustlin' If your audience doesn't immediately kill you, you can segue into a couple more uncle/great uncle/great great great uncle joke.
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Jun 25, 2010 04:55
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A duck walks into a costume shop. "Give me a fake beard" he says, "and put it on my bill."
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Jun 25, 2010 14:14
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One of my favorites, always gets a laugh. A woman walks into a grocery store to buy a few things. She picks up a pound of cheese and ham at the deli, some lettuce, five cans of tuna, ritz crackers, a couple of steaks, a box of cheerios, a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and an issue of Woman's World magazine. She approaches the cash register and starts putting her groceries on the belt. While she waits for the cashier to ring them up, she takes a look at the candy rack, thinks for a moment, then puts a Snickers bar on the belt as well. Meanwhile, the man behind her in line, who had been watching her and had seen her throughout the store, says to her, "You know? I bet you're single." The woman, slightly off-put, replies, "Well... I am. How did you know?" The man says, "'Cause you're fuckin' ugly."
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Jun 25, 2010 21:21
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A man is at his friend's funeral, he looks over at the closed-casket and sees another man standing there. He walks over and tries to start a conversation. Man 1: "I can't believe Jim died." Man 2: "I know, he was so young... how did it happen?" Man 1: "Funny you should ask, I was actually with him when he died." Man 2: "Well then what happened?" Man 1: "See it was a Sunday afternoon and Jim was supposed to come over and watch football. But when he got to my driveway, his car skidded on some ice and he plowed through my wall and flew through the windshield." Man 2: "Oh my god, what a terrible way to go..." Man 1: "No, that didn't kill him. He then crawled into my kitchen and tried to grab for the phone on the wall so he could call the paramedics, but he accidentally knocked over my knife rack and they all fell on him." Man 2: "poo poo, what a way to die." Man 1: "No, that didn't kill him either. He then dragged himself into my living room to try and find me, but I was in the bathroom. He tried to pull himself up but he put too much force on my 60 inch TV and it fell on him. Man 2: "Wow, that's a horrible way to die." Man 1: "Stop interrupting me, that's not what killed him either." Man 2: "Well then what the gently caress killed him?" Man 1: "Oh, I shot him." Man 2: "What! Why?" Man 1: "The guy was wrecking my house."
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Jun 26, 2010 03:11
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Ballsworthy posted:
Thanks for this, it was genuinely funny but also conjures the heartwarming image of penguins visiting zoos and cinemas! I like hearing good jokes but I can never remember them. I also have a passion for truly awful jokes. A ghost walks into a bar, and the bartender says "I'm sorry Sir, we don't serve spirits." What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty strawberry. A friend of mine always tells this joke: "Ask me if I'm a tree." "Are you a tree?" (deadpan)"No." nobody ever laughs but us.
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Jun 26, 2010 04:07
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A man walks into a seedy downtown tavern. He walks up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives him his beer, and the man notices that she is just the most beautiful woman he ever saw. Long blonde hair, gorgeous blue eyes, and a natural pair of tits that would cost ordinary women thousands of dollars to have. He figures he may as well have a meal while he's here. He looks up and sees a sign that says "Cheese Sandwiches: $5" and below that, in smaller letters, "Handjobs: $10." The man calls the bartender over and says "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" The bartender smiles sultrily and says "Yes I am." The man busts out his wallet and says "WELL WASH YOUR HANDS, BITCH! I WANT A CHEESE SANDWICH!"
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Jun 26, 2010 04:14
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What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple? The Holocaust. How do you make a mime yell? Throw a brick at their face. What's green and has legs? Grass, I lied about the legs.
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Jun 26, 2010 13:41
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Soul Reaver posted:
These are to be told in succession, to someone who you know has heard the interrupting cow joke. Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting cow Interrupting cow w- mooooooooooooooooo laugh like it's the funniest thing ever while they roll their eyes at this old joke, then get the laughter under control and continue Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting sloth Interrupting sloth who? (as they're saying that, slowing start to reach out to poke them) Once again laugh, and continue. They'll probably be interested as they most likely haven't heard of the sloth one before Knock knock Who's there Interrupting starfish! Interrupting starfish wh- and then you faul off and slap them across the face
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Jun 26, 2010 21:46
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Some of my favorites that I posted in a previous joke thread. Why do Renaissance Faire/Fest nerds drive sports cars? Because they love Tudors. What's black & white and red all over? A nun chewing on razor blades. Knock knock! Who's there? Knock knock! I said who's there! Knock knock! ... Knock knock!
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Jun 27, 2010 04:31
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The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at the Little Big Horn. Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio. After many false starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground there was a beautiful blue lake with a single fish leaping out of the water. Around the fish's head was a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows were covered with naked Native American couples having sex. The curator, both disgusted and baffled by what he saw, turned in rage and asked the artist,' What the hell has this got to do with Custer's Last Thought?' The artist replied,' Custer's last thought: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these loving Indians come from?'
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Jun 27, 2010 21:18
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I remembered another one that I like to tell: "A man goes to the doctor to get his test results. The doctor looks downcast as the man walks in. 'I think maybe you should sit down'. Worried, the man takes a seat. 'Your various test results came back, and I'm afraid I have some bad news, and some very bad news for you.' The man swallows hard, then says, 'Ok, I'd like to get the very bad news over with first, then the bad news.' The doctor gets right to the point. 'I'm afraid you've got an inoperable cancer. You've probably only got a few months to live.' The man is devestated. 'Oh God... that's... that's awful... then, what's the bad news?' The doctor looks grim. 'Well, according to the tests, you are also rapidly developing Alzheimer's disease.' The man is horrified. 'My God... Alzheimers? I can't believe it...' But he manages to give a weak smile. 'Well, at least I don't have cancer.'"
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Jun 28, 2010 01:39
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This was a joke I randomly learned a few years ago, and for some reason people ask to hear it. Three gay guys are talking to each other, and come to find out that all of their partners had died and had been cremated. They all compare notes with each other about what they did with the ashes. The first guy says "oh, my Larry loved to fish. I took his ashes to his favorite lake and dumped them in there." The second guy says "my Arnold loved to skydive, so I took his ashes up in a plane and dumped them out in the sky." The third man says "my David was an excellent lover, so I put his ashes in a pot of chili." The other two guys look at him dumbfounded, and one asks "why the hell would you do that?" The man answers "so he could tear my rear end up one last time!" 
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Jun 28, 2010 09:24
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Offensive: What do you say to a woman thats black and blue? Nothing, you already told her Normal: A man comes to visit his Doctor for his test results.  Well Sir I have some bad news for you Okay, Well I am prepared for that, just tell me. You have 10 to live. Ten? Ten what?! nine, eight, seven...
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Jun 28, 2010 10:10
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I don't know if this counts as a joke par se but this usually gets some good reactions... You: Hey, I have a hilarious knock knock joke, want to hear it? Them: Sure. You: Okay...say "knock knock." Them: OK...Knock knock You: Who's there? Them: Uhh....wait a minute....
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Jun 28, 2010 11:43
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How many abused women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? NOTHING SHE JUST FELL DOWN SOME STAIRS OKAY?!
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Jun 28, 2010 15:20
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bbf2 posted:I don't know if this counts as a joke par se but this usually gets some good reactions... gently caress, just came in here to post this. As a consolation prize: How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in dirty sleeping bags.
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Jun 28, 2010 16:20
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bbf2 posted:I don't know if this counts as a joke par se but this usually gets some good reactions... I tried that one on two of my friends at different times, and both dumbasses replied this way. Me: I heard a great knock knock joke. want to hear it? Them: Sure Me: Say "Knock knock" Them: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? Them: Who's there?
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Jun 28, 2010 16:26
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A Polish man and his wife decided that their one loving daughter and one handsome son were enough to keep them happy, so the man went to the doctor to get a vasectomy. Upon walking in and telling the receptionist that he wanted a vasectomy, the doctor called him into a small room with a book on a table. The doctor asked, "What nationality are you?" "What does that have to do with anything?" the man asked. The doctor replied "Everything. It's crucial that you tell me what your nationality is." "Polish," the man said, a little bit confused. The doctor opened the book and flipped through it. "Peruvian...oops, Romanian, too far...ah! Polish. Light a stick of dynamite, put it in a mug, and count to ten." "What the gently caress is wrong with you?!" the man cried, storming out to find another doctor. But everywhere he went, every doctor had the same book, and every doctor flipped to the same page. He even read it himself - "Polish: Light a stick of dynamite, put it in a mug, and count to ten." So, the man went to the store and bought a big firecracker that he figured would work just as well, and went home. [At this point, pick up some object to use as the "stick of dynamite" - usually a pen or the microphone, and in your other hand pick up a cup or mug.] So the man lit the stick of dynamite and put it in the cup [put it in the cup in your other hand], and started counting. [count on your fingers] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...[look around for a moment, then hold the cup between your thighs] 6, 7...
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Jun 28, 2010 17:54
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CharlesWillisMaddox posted:I tried that one on two of my friends at different times, and both dumbasses replied this way. It works better if you say "I've got a great knock knock joke... You start." That's how I've always heard it and it avoids inviting the repetition. Also... Son: Mommy! Mommy! Why is the Christmas Tree up in August? Mother: If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times... You have leukemia.
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Jun 28, 2010 18:03
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sc4rs posted:A Polish man and his wife decided that their one loving daughter and one handsome son were enough to keep them happy, so the man went to the doctor to get a vasectomy. Did you forget the punchline? or am I really not getting it.
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Jun 28, 2010 18:33
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offensive: how do you make a gay guy gently caress a woman? poo poo in her oval office
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Jun 28, 2010 18:41
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Zedd posted:Did you forget the punchline? or am I really not getting it. The idea is that Polish people are stupid, and therefore have to count on their fingers. So the Polish man will have to hold the dynamite between his legs so that he can continue counting on his fingers, which of course leads to his genitals exploding rendering him unable to have more children. Isn't it fun to explain jokes? Here's one that my wife LOVES How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, and how dare you!
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Jun 28, 2010 18:51
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So there's this guy who is about to be married. One day his wife's sister calls him over to her house to finalize some wedding arrangements. He arrives and his sister-in-law calls him upstairs. As he enters the bedroom he sees her naked on the bed. She tells him she has always been attracted to him and they can gently caress and she'll never tell anyone. The man just turns around and heads back downstairs. As he opens the front door and heads to his car he sees his father-in-law waiting by the car. He tells him, "Son, congratulations. You passed my little test. I'd be honored to welcome you into this family." The moral of the story? Always keep your condoms in the car.
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Jun 28, 2010 19:30
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You: Oh my god, I usually don't like "knock, knock" jokes, but my brother told me one yesterday that you've gotta hear. Them: Okay You: Alright, you start. Them: Knock, Knock You: Who's there? Them: ....oh Also, in the same vein You: Hey, have you heard that new joke they're not telling gay people? Them: No You: ... Them: ...oh
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Jun 28, 2010 21:46
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So three scientist decide to study the effects of putting a cork in an elephant's rear end in a top hat and sealing it shut for a 5 year period. The scientists would then feed and groom the elephant normally until the test period was over, at which time they would remove the cork. Year one passes without much change. The elephant experiences minor discomfort, but otherwise seems happy. Years two and three are hell as the elephant has almost doubled in size from bloating. He can no longer move as his stomach has distended to the ground and out around his legs, rendering them useless. The scientists keep feeding him, however, and being a dumb elephant, it keeps eating. By year four the elephant is an unrecognizable blob of stretched gray skin that fills the entire holding pen. A strange rumbling sound like a distant earthquake comes and goes, but the scientist can find no problem with the elephant's heath so the test continues. Around 6 months to the uncorking date, the scientist begin drawing up battle plans for how that day will work. They all need to take measurements, however none of them want to be the one who pulls the cork, and from the sight of the giant quivering, rumbling blob that used to be an elephant, who could blame them? For this task, they decide to train a lab monkey. On uncorking day, everything is finally put in place. The elephant, now a million pounds of pressure behind a tiny cork, has been carefully moved to a giant raised platform in the middle of the arizona desert. The monkey, now an expert at pulling corks, is set, dwarfed, beside it. Scientist 1 has dug a trench 5 miles away to take his measurements in. Scientist 2, not trusting his colleague's judgment of distance, has built a tower 10 miles away. Scientist 3, the ever paranoid one, is monitoring the entire experiment on CCTV in a different state. The cue is given and the monkey pulls the cork. The 3 scientist meet in heaven shortly after. Scientist 1 is covered in poo poo from head to toe. He turns to the others and says "The trench wasn't far enough, I drowned in elephant feces." Scientist 2, with a look of utter disgust on his face says "It was the smell that got me, I suffocated to death in my tower." They both turn to scientist 3, who has a smile on his face. Scientist 1 says "Well, you were a 100 miles away, how on earth did you die?" Scientist 3 says with a chuckle "I died from laughter watching the monkey try to put the cork back in."
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Jun 28, 2010 21:47
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What's the first sign of Madness? Suggs walking up your drive Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist!
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Jun 28, 2010 22:01
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JonBent0000 posted:What do you call a black man flying a plane? Repeats already on page 3? Yippee!!! How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, one to complain that screwing in lightbulbs used to be cool and one to then screw the lightbulb in ironically
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Jun 28, 2010 22:51
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This is my favorite bar joke, you really gotta sell the pirate voice though: A sailor walks into a bar and sees a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch. He decides to have a couple of drinks with him. Eventually he loosens up around the pirate and asks "So how did you get that peg leg there?" "Yar I harpooned me a narwhal, I caught me boot in the line and had to chop off me own leg lest I be crushed in the depths of Davey Jones' locker" The sailor then asked "well how about the hook? How did you get that?" "We were boarding a vessel and a young lass swung at me true with a cutlass, took me hand off at the wrist" The sailor then asked "How about the eye patch?" The pirate responded "A seagull took a poo poo in it" "That doesn't make any sense", the sailor asked, "how would that take your eye out?" "It was me first day with the hook"
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Jun 28, 2010 23:17
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A kid is walking down the street when he finds a welder's mask on the sidewalk. Being a curious little kid he puts it on and continues on his way. A few minutes later a car pulls up and a man asks him if he wants a ride. Still being a curious little kid he gets in. After a minute or two the man asks, "Hey kid, what do you know about fellatio?" "I don't know what that is," he replies. "You know, blowjobs," says the man. "I don't know what that is either," answers the kid. "How about sodomy, you ever heard of that?" asks the man. The kid lifts the visor on his mask and says "Mister, I'll level with you: I'm not a welder."
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Jun 28, 2010 23:40
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Fig Newton posted:
I think Gasmask was referring to this:  http://theoatmeal.com/comics/misspelling
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Jun 29, 2010 00:58
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The Jorts of Zeus posted:The idea is that Polish people are stupid, and therefore have to count on their fingers. So the Polish man will have to hold the dynamite between his legs so that he can continue counting on his fingers, which of course leads to his genitals exploding rendering him unable to have more children. I swear it's funnier in person when performing it.  What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
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Jun 29, 2010 03:41
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If you're a quadriplegic, raise your hand.
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Jun 29, 2010 04:06
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How do you know Asians are moving to the neighborhood? When the Mexicans start buying car insurance.
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Jun 29, 2010 04:46
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Guy goes to see his doctor after feeling like poo poo for a while. Doctor runs a bunch of tests and comes back to him. Says, "I'm sorry my friend but your condition is very serious. I'm afraid that you only have 10..." The guy butts in: "10 what?! Years?! Months?!" The doctor (looking at his watch) replies, "9.. 8.. 7.."
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Jun 29, 2010 06:09
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You: What's the difference between a preschool and a brothel? Them: I don't know. You: You sick bastard!
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Jun 29, 2010 10:34
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victorious posted:Guy goes to see his doctor after feeling like poo poo for a while. Doctor runs a bunch of tests and comes back to him. Says, "I'm sorry my friend but your condition is very serious. I'm afraid that you only have 10..." The guy butts in: "10 what?! Years?! Months?!" The doctor (looking at his watch) replies, "9.. 8.. 7.." Seriously, people, this is the third repeated joke on this page alone. Content: A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down and orders a beer. After a few minutes the monkey gets bored and jumps off his shoulder onto the bar and starts eating everything in sight. Olives, cherries, napkins, it all goes down. Then he runs across the room, jumps on the pool table and keeps eating, going after the chalk and then finishing with the cue ball. The bartender, undestandably upset, yells at the man who brought in the monkey. "What the hell! Do you see what your monkey's doing? Are you gonna pay for that stuff?" "Yes, I'm sorry...When he gets bored he just starts eating...I'v never been able to stop him," the man replies. He pays the bartender for the lost goods and collects the monkey, and they leave. A week later he returns to the bar, once again monkey in tow. Just like last time, after a few minutes of the man nursing his beer, the monkey gets bored. Just like last time he starts eating everything in sight, except this time, he sticks everything up his rear end first. Olives, cherries, ice, it all goes up his rear end, then into his mouth. The bartender seems upset, but puzzled. "Ahh...Do you see what your monkey's doing...Again? Why is he sticking everything up his butt?" The man looks over at the monkey. "Ah, well, ever since he had to pass that cue ball he measures everything."
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Jun 29, 2010 10:49
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda, no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
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Jun 29, 2010 15:28
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