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I've got a few memorized. The first depends entirely on the delivery and how smart your audience is. A woman walked into a bar and ordered a double entendre, so the bartender gave it to her. This one is great for mixed company but seems to only elicit a laugh with people from certain states. A woman was doing some spring cleaning in the house while her husband was away on business and she came across a locked suitcase in the closet she didn't recognize. She remembered that her husband kept a spare set of keys in the garage so she tried them until she found one that opened the suitcase. Inside were three empty beer bottles and around $200 in cash. She was puzzled and concerned that her husband would hide money from her so she set to ask him when he got home. The husband returned home later that week, late one night, and settled into his easy chair with two beers ready to drink. His wife came out of the bedroom and asked him about the case. The husband stammered and hemmed but he finally cracked, weeping as he told her that he'd been cheating on her. "Honey, every time I got out on business, I just can't resist and I usually end up sleeping with one or more women while I'm gone. When I come home, I drink a beer for each woman I've slept with and I put it in the suitcase as a reminder, I've been trying to stop!' The wife is understandably dismayed and appalled. She can't believe it but then she asks why he has money in the suitcase. "Well... er, I return the bottles when the suitcase gets full."
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Jun 23, 2010 03:02
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| # ¿ May 18, 2024 04:18 |
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A guy walks into a bank and is greeted by a teller, "Good afternoon sir, how may I help you today?" "I want to open a mother loving checking account." The guy responds, loudly enough to gain notice from other customers. The teller is a bit shocked, "Sir, I'll have to ask you to mind your language." "gently caress that, I'll say any goddamn thing I want to, now I want to open a loving checking account!" "Sir! Your language is completely out of line! I'll need to get my manager!" "Good, go get the loving manager!" So, the teller hurries to her managers office and tells him that there is a very rude customer at her desk and she wants him thrown out of the bank. The manager assures her that he'll take care of it and he walks out to confront the man. A lot of customers are ready to complain about the man as well when the manager walks out but the man looks supremely confident. The manager crosses his arms, "What seems to be the problem here, sir?" "I just won 50 million dollars in the goddamn lottery and I want to open a mother loving checking account!" The manager blinks and then jerks a thumb at the teller, "Is this bitch giving you poo poo?"
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Jun 29, 2010 21:46
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Boogeyman posted:One day, Bill decides that he wants more excitement in his life Ha! Nice one, here's a variation of that joke. Capt. Jackson arrives at his new post in Afghanistan, way out in the boonies. The camp is home to some classified, top secret units so there are no civilians around and no females whatsoever. After a few months on the job, with nothing but sand and sun to keep him company, Capt. Jackson finally starts asking the men in his unit what they do for fun. One of them says 'Well, we've got the camel out back.' Jackson is horrified and is ready to court martial the soldier for suggesting he get his rocks off with a camel. Months go by and Capt. Jackson is really starting to feel the burn. He goes back to the soldier he almost punished and says 'So, about that camel. What do I do?' The soldier sighs and goes around back with the captain, 'Just use that stool and then hold tight for a bumpy ride.' He leaves the captain and goes back to his bunk. Minutes later, another soldier screams, 'Capt. Jackson is loving the camel!' All the soldiers rush out to find the captain with his pants around his ankles, loving the camel for all he's worth. They're all stunned, shouting at him to stop and disgusted with his behavior. He turns to the men, 'But I thought all of you guys did it too!" The soldier who told him about the camel in the first place steps forward, 'No, sir, we ride it back into town where the girls are!'
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Jun 30, 2010 00:01
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