Sports Journalism Tumblr: A Black self-insert character called Jabaal Abdul-Simmons

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > Sports Journalism Tumblr: A Black self-insert character called Jabaal Abdul-Simmons

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zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

From "Hub Fans"

quote:

For a stretch, he was hitting a home run every second game that he played. He passed Lou Gehrig's lifetime total, then the number 500, then Mel Ott's total, and finished with 521, thirteen behind Jimmy Foxx, who alone stands between Williams and Babe Ruth's unapproachable 714

heh

# ¿ Aug 12, 2010 00:35

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# ¿ May 5, 2024 10:57

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

The comments on an article about gay couples wanting to be on the Cardinals' kiss cam are truly stunning.

http://www.stltoday.com/sports/baseball/professional/article_c97e027b-d897-5fa4-88fc-40b014719810.html?mode=comments

QUEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

# ¿ Sep 16, 2010 14:19

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Who want some godawful Mets fan fiction?

http://nybaseballdigest.com/?p=29437

quote:

The wind whipped through the near empty seats of Citi Field on Thursday night. A storm was on its way. They�d get the game in though. Nothing like a 9-2 drubbing from the Brewers with our former manager and pitching coach sitting in their dugout to finally bring the curtain down on what�s been a season of inevitable failure and frustration. When they fired Willie Randolph and Rick Peterson in June �08, there was instant hope and relief. Sure, they way they did it was ugly, but who cares? There�s no karma in baseball, right? The Mets caught fire. They won 10 straight into the All-Star break. A short two months or so later, Collapse II was complete.

The Phillies won the World Series after that�

OK, well now it�s 2009�K-Rod is here to make sure we don�t go without a closer again. Jerry gets a full Spring Training with the team. I�ll skip the rest. What sticks with me from the �09 season was the total lack of connection I felt between the current fans, the current team and the current upper management. The Mets lived in a bubble of futility and were like a 25-man version of Jake LaMotta, content to take punch after punch with the consolation that they were never knocked down. They withered into the off-season with their excuses in tow like a rolling set of talking points. I waited to see how they�d recover from a 70 win season. Ugh.

The Yankees won the World Series after that�they beat the Phillies�can it get uglier? Sure!

So the 2010 season ends now and well, who cares who wins it this year??? Sure I�ll root for the Yankees and Phillies to lose and lose painfully, that�s automatic. But I�d like to offer the Mets a way to rise from the ashes of the last 24 Octobers and make 2011 a different type of year.
It�s not about trades and free agent signings and all the usual off-season angst�let that go.

Here�s what I�d like to see happen next season at the home opener�do this and I�m happy.

Howie Rose stands behind home plate silently behind a microphone. The field is empty�quiet.
Suddenly, we hear the boom, boom, clap of �We Will Rock You� thunders from the PA system.

The centerfield gate opens and Howie calls out the �86 outfield�
LF Kevin Mitchell (if he�s not available, Danny Heep or Mookie will do�) no, not George Foster!
CF Mookie Wilson (in case Dykstra is busy)
RF Darryl Strawberry�crowd is going crazy�

Then all eyes are on the Mets dugout as the �86 infield is introduced and takes the field�
C Gary Carter
3B Ray Knight
SS Raphael Santana
1B Keith Hernandez
P Dwight Gooden�crowd is about to explode now�

Maybe let the rest of the 86′ers do a quick curtain call by the dugout�

Howie takes a deep breath and says, �And your 2B and new manager of 2011 NY Mets� Wally Backman

Wally takes the field in his familiar #6�The �86 team takes a collective bow�

Everyone leaves the field but Wally�he starts to trot in towards Howie�

He takes off his �86 jersey�and he has another one on under it�but it�s #25?

He holds up two fingers with his right hand and 5 fingers with his left. The fans do the same.

And then he says the rally cry every Mets fan will learn as the signature of the 2011 season�

HOIST THE COLORS

The crowd then holds up the commemorative 1986 orange/blue seat cushions over their heads. Citi Field is awash in it�And just as the screaming reaches its crescendo�the 2011 Mets take the field�in their vintage �86 uniforms��Meet the Mets� is playing�play some ball!

But this is not a gimmick. Sure the seat cushions are. At every 2011 home game fans are given something orange and blue to HOIST every time the Mets need help or a rally is on. It�s
a battle cry that is uniquely ours�and it�s done at every level of the organization too. The PSL Mets fans do it, the Binghamton Mets fans do it, and the Savannah Sand Gnats fans do it�Buffalo Bison fans do it too. Gulf Coast League Mets fans do it�the two Dominican Summer League Met fans learn it too. The Brooklyn Cyclones fans already do it! Check it out Fred!

My point? Met fans are down to the Jerry Seinfeld Plank Constant Quantum Foam level now.
After 2011, after 25 years since the last championship, the �86 team fades into history and becomes an even more distant star. What�s left is the laundry, as Jerry says. And if the Mets keep the myriad of uniforms they wear in the Mets store and simply wear only the �86 home and away uniforms from here on, it�s like faking it till you make. Dress like champions�

Well you know what I mean�All I�m trying to do is make every Met player feel the meaning of that season, that team, those uniforms, every game next year. With Wally there, wearing #25
on his �back-man�, it�ll be a not so subtle reminder of how long it�s been since Jesse tossed his glove somewhere out in the parking lot of Citi Field and put 1969 to bed for that generation�
Spend 2011 celebrating that team�s magic moments�Have �Ray Knight Fight Night� when we play the Reds and give out orange and blue boxing glove key chains. It�s an 81 game encore!

But the real impact is on the identity of the team. All this search for leadership from within the team or from upper management is a waste of time. It has to come from the Mets fan base. Every OCT we have to walk around with our chests sunken. It�s a drat Yankee party. Sure we get to lift our chins for day if they get eliminated, but that�s the Jake LaMotta way. Let�s spend a season shooting each other the 2-5 sign and see if Wally Ball brings this vibe back.

I also command the Mets to make Joe Benigno the official �Hoist the Colors� voice. When we
need a prompt, let it be Joe B leading the charge from the Diamond Vision. When we lose, or do something stupid, a brief �Oh the Pain!� from Joe will soothe our collective nerves. Try it!

Jay, I�m available for a more detailed battle plan�but if they don�t hire Wally, deal�s off!

PS. One more thing�lose that tired �Sweet Caroline� and play �The Summer Wind� in the 8th inning all next season. It�s quick, it�s upbeat and it�s like every Mets season�October free!

# ¿ Oct 1, 2010 16:16

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

barkingclam posted:

Here's a fun column where a guy repeats a sentence about the 2009 Yankees 50 times. I'm not kidding: it's the same sentence, repeated 50 times, on purpose.

He literally got paid for ctrl-c ctrl-v. I hate everything.

# ¿ Oct 1, 2010 17:51

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Mike Silva is currently sperging out about how Joba is a disgrace for...smiling?

http://twitter.com/!/NYBD

# ¿ Oct 13, 2010 02:33

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Mornacale posted:

Is the sponge thing in that Jeter fanfic supposed to be an allusion to the crucifixion of Jesus Christ?

Derek Jeter was offered $45 million (that's forty-five million guaranteed dollars on top of the $200 million or so he's earned already) for our sins.

# ¿ Dec 3, 2010 16:41

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Someone stop Ian O'Connor before he similes again

# ¿ Dec 14, 2010 17:03

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Watching sportsdome right now...I deem it "moderately amusing."

# ¿ Jan 12, 2011 04:38

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Jon Heyman is having another Twitter meltdown.

zakharov fucked around with this message at 07:13 on Jan 13, 2011

# ¿ Jan 13, 2011 07:09

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

I'm @jmhs by the way. Ben Kabak writes for one of the better Yankee blogs and yes, does tend to criticize Jon Heyman.

# ¿ Jan 13, 2011 07:16

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Don't get yourself arrested for harassment please

# ¿ Feb 4, 2011 23:03

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

I think that article was overblown, but I think there is an obligation to be polite and give fans the time of day. Yeah, you won't always have time to sign autographs, but ignoring fans is pretty weak.

# ¿ Mar 5, 2011 02:17

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

That reads like the "game stories" in baseball mogul

# ¿ Mar 22, 2011 22:54

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Reilly used to write funny, interesting, and sometimes poignant columns. I don't know why he lost his mind after moving to ESPN.

# ¿ Mar 27, 2011 22:20

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

What a surprise, he reads Ann Coulter

# ¿ Apr 12, 2011 20:45

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

I too wear my best clothing to a place where there's a non-zero chance I'll be doused in beer.

# ¿ Apr 12, 2011 20:53

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

http://www.mondesishouse.com/2010/03/10-questions-withjohn-steigerwald.html

quote:

MH: I get the sense that you think America has gotten a little "soft". What happened to our country?

JS: America is becoming more feminized all the time. Women getting involved (overly involved) in their kids' teams, Very few male elementary school teachers. You hear stories about tag being forbidden on school playgrounds. Effeminate men are celebrated (ever seen Adam Lambert and the fuss that was made over him?). I have a chapter in my book explaining why I would rather have the Three Stooges babysit my kids than Mr. Rogers because Mr. Rogers --who was a better person than I could ever hope to be and did a lot of great things--was a sissy. You're no longer allowed to discourage boys from being "sissies" because that would make you "homophobic". The country will get softer and softer the more we depend on the nanny state to take care of us.There are people in power now who want to take care of us from cradle to grave and they can't find their way to the supermarket. I'm a big self reliance guy and there's less and less of that going around every day.

what a prick

# ¿ Apr 12, 2011 21:04

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

I, a notable white guy, am here to moralize on what's best for black people

zakharov fucked around with this message at 16:53 on Apr 13, 2011

# ¿ Apr 13, 2011 16:42

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

A former teacher of mine has refused to watch a single baseball game since the Dodgers moved.

# ¿ Apr 22, 2011 21:54

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

stuart scott irl posted:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/25/books/bottom-of-the-33rd-by-dan-barry-review.html?_r=3&hpw

I was really excited for this book, but it seems to be the worse of baseball-inspired purple prose.

# ¿ Apr 26, 2011 15:27

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Are you injured? Actually, you're just a giant baby.

quote:

First of all, I apologize if this column isn't very good. But it was cold at Target Field on Wednesday night, and I couldn't get loose. Despite cracking my knuckles several times, it just didn't feel right.

It happens. Ask Delmon Young of the Twins. Delmon pulled himself from the lineup Wednesday night because he couldn't get loose. Despite hitting balls 20 rows deep into the stands during batting practice, he went over to manager Ron Gardenhire and said he couldn't go.

That left Gardenhire with one healthy bench player, backup catcher Steve Holm.

After the contest, the Twins put Young on the disabled list, which is where he should have been a long time ago. He's missed six straight games with sore ribs, all the while insisting his return to the lineup was right around the corner. In fact, he asked Gardenhire to play him in left field instead of using him as the designated hitter on Wednesday. He figured he would be able to "stay loose" by running around in the outfield.

Then he bailed.

You know what? This is getting ridiculous. Hey guys, just go play baseball. We're all sick of hearing about tweaks, strains and IV bags. Suck it up and play!

The Twins have to quit babying these guys. Either they can play or they can't. And if they can't, get somebody up here who can. The problem is that guys walk into Gardenhire's office and tell him when they can play and when they can't. To me, that's a case of overcommunication. Unless the trainer specifically says a certain player needs to sit out, Gardenhire should just make out his best lineup and expect his players to go out there and perform.

He has pitchers telling him they can't pitch and hitters telling him they could use a day off. It's April, for God's sake. It's not September. This garbage started in spring training.

We keep hearing that Justin Morneau is completely recovered from postconcussion syndrome. Yet after an off day Monday followed by a rainout Tuesday, Gardenhire said Morneau needed a DH day instead of playing first base. OK, he's had the flu. It must be one hell of a flu, lasting more than a week. And he's not the only one.

"We've got a bunch of guys sniffing and coughing up there," Gardenhire said, nodding toward the clubhouse.

Did Ted Williams ever sniff? Anyone ever hear Willie Mays cough?

About eight players currently have some sort of physical problem or ailment. Some are hurting worse than others. Some handle it better than others. The Twins have a doubleheader today. Jim Thome and Jason Repko are hurt. That leaves the backup catcher and Rene Tosoni, just called up, as the only reserves for the two games.

Before Wednesday's game, Gardenhire didn't even know which pitcher would start the second contest of today's doubleheader. At first, he thought it might be Eric Hacker. A dozen pitchers on his staff and yet one doubleheader throws the whole world off kilter. After all, we wouldn't want anyone to pitch on "short rest." The situation is further complicated by the fact that Carl Pavano also has the flu and has been pushed back a day.

Hacker was Plan A. Unfortunately for Gardenhire and the Twins, Francisco Liriano was so horrible on Wednesday night that Hacker had to warm up in the very first inning. He ended up coming in to pitch in the fourth. So they called up Anthony Swarzak.

The Twins' approach to injuries can be summed up in three words: caution, caution, caution. How do you feel? Think you might play today? Want to give it a try?

Enough! Gardenhire needs to do what Vince Lombardi used to do as coach of the Green Bay Packers. Just barge into the trainer's room, tip a couple of tables over and order everybody out. As Lombardi would scream: "Nobody is injured here!"

Then write their names into the lineup and refuse to take them out unless the medical staff advises otherwise.

Oh, and even though I couldn't get loose, I managed to muddle through and do my job. Not everybody at Target Field on Wednesday night can say that.

# ¿ Apr 28, 2011 20:11

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Not sure what that has to do with sports exactly

# ¿ Apr 30, 2011 02:40

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Is it really surprising that a cartoonist representing the "man on the street" sees millionaires haggling with billionaires? It's a pretty natural urge to want them both to gently caress off and die.

That said, his cartoons are indeed terrible.

# ¿ May 27, 2011 05:54

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

AlleyViper posted:

I can't stand how this constantly refers to it as the N.B.A. and not the NBA.

NY Times style manual strikes again, Mr. AlleyViper.

# ¿ Jun 2, 2011 19:19

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Deathlove posted:

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6657523/so-cricket-maybe

I didn't know Schur was writing for Grantland, but hey! Here he is.

It was good until they went into "cricket actually sucks" mode.

# ¿ Jun 15, 2011 19:00

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Cricket owns and you all need to watch a game surrounded by rowdy Indians if you don't agree

# ¿ Jun 16, 2011 04:48

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Simmons tweeted that it was a server issue

# ¿ Jun 20, 2011 05:33

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Mornacale posted:

I'm pretty sure that just about everyone agrees that it's really stupid. The problem is that everyone's split about 50/50 on whether to solve that by going All DH or No DH, so it just keeps going. Also by now there are probably dumb grognards who think that leagues with different rules is some special baseball magic and would cry if you standardized them, but grognards ruin everything anyway.

I am one of these grognards! It's part of what makes baseball unique, like different field dimensions.

# ¿ Jun 28, 2011 01:09

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

The worst photoshop

# ¿ Jun 29, 2011 18:13

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

He also wrote this which pretty much wrapped things up for Marge Schott.

# ¿ Jul 1, 2011 07:40

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Nodoze posted:

My opinion on 3000 hits is I don't care. Congrats on hitting 2200 singles

Who was your favorite Yankee growing up?

# ¿ Jul 8, 2011 19:32

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

MorningView posted:

I know he stinks now, but it's crazy how much Yankee fans here have turned on Jeter.

His contract is bad, but that doesn't change how awesome he was earlier in his career. I'll cheer his 3000th hit as loud as anyone, and I hope o be there when he goes into the Hall.

# ¿ Jul 8, 2011 19:59

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Bigass Moth posted:

Who's closest after Omar, A-Rod?

code:

Rank	Player (age)	        Hits	Bats
1.	Derek Jeter (37)	2998	R
2.	Ivan Rodriguez (39)	2842	R
3.	Omar Vizquel (44)	2831	B
4.	Alex Rodriguez (35)	2762	R
5.	Johnny Damon (37)	2662	L
6.	Manny Ramirez (39)	2574	R
7.	Chipper Jones (39)	2563	B
8.	Vladimir Guerrero (36)	2512	R
9.	Miguel Tejada (37)	2352	R
10.	Bobby Abreu (37)	2343	L

# ¿ Jul 9, 2011 00:45

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

I don't know who told Ian O'Connor he was the next Roger Angell, but I want to punch them.

# ¿ Jul 10, 2011 20:24

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Johan didn't turn down the Yankees, the Twins decided they preferred the Humber/Gomez package :laugh:

# ¿ Jul 11, 2011 16:30

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Yeah Lupica sucks no argument here

# ¿ Jul 11, 2011 17:04

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Jummy posted:

On Grantland today Jonah Keri has an article about Adam Dunn. If he just took out the first three paragraphs it would be fine, but they're all about how Dunn must be collapsing because he stopped taking steroids.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/722/the-curious-case-of-adam-dunn

The whole article is about how that ISN'T the case. Have you read Jonah Keri before?

# ¿ Jul 22, 2011 20:44

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Moose Bigelow posted:

I know it's radio sposrtschat but Colin Cowherd just said that Brett Gardner would be the best player on the Mariners right now.

Brett Gardner is really good.

# ¿ Jul 26, 2011 16:59

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Hey, Joel Sherman, Hideki Irabu just died and probably committed suicide. What are you going to tweet?

# ¿ Jul 28, 2011 20:42

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# ¿ May 5, 2024 10:57

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

He is the same dude who one tweeted the ultimate First World Problem

# ¿ Jul 28, 2011 20:49

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > Sports Journalism Tumblr: A Black self-insert character called Jabaal Abdul-Simmons

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