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This thread is for the totally awesome and even more totally ignored weekly column Current Releases. It features four totally-legitimate film critics: Ian "ProfessorClumsy" Maddison, Martin R. "Vargo" Schneider, Montague "Legally Sane" Smythe, and Joseph "Jay Dub" Wade. Each week, 2 to 3 movies are reviewed, starting with a paragraph about the reviewer's Expectations, then a mini-essay on the Reality, ending with a score out fifty based on performance in five categories out of ten (also there's pretty pictures with funny captions). Each film gets a main review, and then under it is a much shorter review called "Minority Report" by a different writer (or at least that's the pattern as of late). It's really well-written and stays fresh with the occasional gimmick review. And to make this post be somewhat helpful for discussion, here's the latest two reviews.
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Sep 2, 2010 02:36
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Well this is one way to find out they made a movie called Gnomeo and Juliet.
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Feb 14, 2011 04:19
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Vargo, how are you posting in this thread even though your whereabouts are unknown?  MY IMMERSIONSeriously though, loving hilarious work.
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May 9, 2011 02:35
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I just had a wonderful idea. You should review some movies from The Awful Movie Database!
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May 30, 2011 22:46
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I remember 8 years ago, at the tender age of eleven, I wanted to do something cool to wrap up the summer. Being eleven, that was thing was obviously going to see Spy Kids 3D with my mom. I loved the first two, and the commercials had some kids going THIS IS THE BEST SPY KIDS EVER so I figured it had to be good, no matter what the Boston Globe said. I remember going to the theater, taking the 3-D glasses, and watching, without a doubt, the worst movie I ever had my parents pay money for me to see. And I was a stupid loving kid. I loved the poo poo out of Max Keeble's Big Move. But this was just total poo poo. I walked out of that theater angry and on the verge of tears, because all I wanted was to see a cool movie before I had to go back to school. And they took that from me. And now, Professor Clumsy, you inherit a fraction of my suffering, for you did not go in with expectations. vvv I was tired, okay? SpiderHyphenMan fucked around with this message at 22:18 on Aug 29, 2011 |
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Aug 29, 2011 06:36
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Way to get the site sued, assholes! Now Rick Lowtax is gonna have to shut this place down! 
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Aug 31, 2011 01:21
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Professor Clumsy, I was sure you were going to link this when you were talking about how a perfect ending can define a film.
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Sep 8, 2011 05:00
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A random thought occurs: what's the highest rating any of you have ever given a movie?
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Sep 27, 2011 08:21
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ProfessorClumsy, I thought Mission Impossible 4 was really stupid, and not in a good way. Even as a dumb, mindless action movie there was only one scene that stood out to me, and that was in the middle of the movie where he loving runs down the skyscraper. Other than that it wasn't even that much of a spectacle. It was just flat-out mediocre at best.
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Dec 30, 2011 05:19
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I just got back from Chronicle and it was great, so I dunno what you're on about.
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Feb 5, 2012 21:28
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jeremy oval office posted:Yeah, it feels like I saw a different movie than everybody else did. Or maybe I'm getting older, so everything's just a little bit shittier.
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Feb 6, 2012 05:19
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If one of you doesn't review Smiley I'm closing the thread. Also, are there any Jackfaces in Alex Cross? Because I'll go see it if it has Jackfaces. SpiderHyphenMan fucked around with this message at 06:04 on Oct 22, 2012 |
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Oct 22, 2012 06:00
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quote:Man of Steel is arguably Zack Snyder's first non-satirical, non-self-critical film.
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Jun 17, 2013 02:01
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I'm legit bummed you didn't ask me to write minority reports for the Raimi films.
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May 5, 2014 00:42
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Jeedy Jay posted:It seems really weird to call the new Godzilla a reaction to 9/11. If anything, I'd imagine the supposed nihilism of it would reflect our preemptively despairing attitude towards climate change. Seriously, how is "Nature will rebalance itself at your expense," your words for the message of the film, a reaction to 9/11 and not climate change? How do you even make that connection? SpiderHyphenMan fucked around with this message at 03:59 on May 21, 2014 |
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May 21, 2014 03:56
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I'm still waiting on an answer toSpiderHyphenMan posted:Seriously, how is "Nature will rebalance itself at your expense," your words for the message of the film, a reaction to 9/11 and not climate change? How do you even make that connection?
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May 24, 2014 18:04
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TrixRabbi posted:TwistedLadder and Gentlemen Loser are both welcome additions but I miss Clumsy. He's the only reason I gave Battleship and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter fair chances, and he was completely right about both of them.
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Aug 19, 2014 01:21
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What the gently caress happened?
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Oct 7, 2014 15:09
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I have a confession to make: I almost never read Current Releases anymore.
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Oct 7, 2014 17:59
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