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Sporadic posted:That movie was Jeanne Dielman, 23 Quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles. When I watched part of it, I thought it was an extremely fascinating idea. Fascinating but tedious. I kind of figured that was the film. Have you seen the rest of it? You're right that part of the film's impact is its tedium but it's more about carefully watching for tiny details. The film takes place over three days and there's a sort of time dilation effect where the audience becomes accustomed to very, very little happening and all the tiny details become blown-up. In one scene, for example, she peels potatoes, but she does it in such a way that it's almost distressing, how the knife comes near her wrist, how the potato's rough peel holds onto the blade and then suddenly gives, how she hesitates between slices or attacks the potato in a flurry of peeling. In another scene she makes a meatloaf in a way that is almost certainly equivalent to how she services her customers, folding over and over in a distant way, the meatloaf squishing. She repeats a motion at one point in the same way one repeats a motion as one nears sexual climax, but it gets away from her, and so she squishes in a different way, and another different way, and another different way, and then suddenly it's a meatloaf. Somehow it's an involving experience. The issue you seem to be having is balancing between that kind of emotional detail (and you need it) and a more general kind of persona non grata film. The Bunt's Slur script was 180 pages of a volatile drunken young woman being hostile to everyone she knew and met in order to serve her need for external stimulus and while it was bloated and messy it was fairly compelling because it was really about her, about how she and people like her function in life. I think if you sit down and really try to work out who your main character is and how she functions you'll be on a better track. Why does she say and do what she does? Why is she bottling it up? What's the psychology behind that? It feels kind of arbitrary right now and in a film like this you can't be arbitrary, everything has to feel organic.
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Nov 16, 2011 18:52
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Sure! fakename@stopthat.herf Magic Hate Ball fucked around with this message at 04:45 on Nov 23, 2011 |
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Nov 21, 2011 16:42
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Yup! Sorry. On a technical level you're pretty good, your descriptions are clear and you do a good job of "directing" the camera, moving from image to image, and I don't really see any issue with your dialogue. Your pacing's a little odd, you could definitely trim the first third a bit. Unfortunately your major issue is that you're really preachy and that's hard to fix without majorly altering the script. This is just my opinion but I really liked where it was going until that left turn. I love the concept of a romance blossoming via technology (and perhaps overcoming the alienation your No Face character is so angry about) so the kidnap plot was sort of unwelcome. Maybe it's the script's tone before the kidnapper plot - light, kind of funny. But if you're looking to cut it down to ten pages, you could probably reduce most of the first few pages into a series of short moments, almost montage-like.
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Nov 23, 2011 05:21
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Aw, you guys...
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Nov 24, 2011 01:28
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I'm intensely curious about both of your scripts.
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Jun 27, 2012 20:49
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They seem like your average kooky black characters as written by a really white person.
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Nov 13, 2012 01:07
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Just stretch all the words out.
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Jul 29, 2013 05:53
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You're using two "whens", which is really awkward, so I'd suggest something like "A quiet bookworm gets the chance to get help his cheerleader crush do better in school, but all hell breaks loose when her jealous ex-boyfriend finds out his real intentions", though that's still burying the lead.
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Mar 6, 2014 04:11
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The only example I can think of is The Squid And The Whale, where the main character plagiarizes "Hey You" from Pink Floyd's The Wall, though again that could've been any notable, guitar-based song from the era.
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Mar 18, 2014 23:09
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mechacop posted:You're preaching to the choir, guy. Don't do this. Your script is bad. You posted it knowing it was bad. I'm not even going to be cute and make a poo poo sandwich. Your script is technically fine in the sense that things are capitalized and not in the wrong place on the page. Your descriptions are embarrassingly goony, your characters are muddy and totally indistinct, the twist makes no sense at all, and if there's supposed to be a satiric bent to any of this I can't find it. Do people talk like that? Do you talk like that? I hope you don't talk like that. I say all this having written and filmed scripts that are just as bad. There's no use lingering over something you wrote when you were sixteen. Go give your creative muscles another flex and bring back something new.
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May 13, 2014 23:20
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