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Rogetz posted:I'm going to be directing this myself so there might some format stuff that is a no-no in general, but it doesn't matter for this particular project. Feel free to point those parts out if you want to though. Other than that, I'll take the heaviest criticism you can muster as long as it's constructive. I want this thing to be good. I got through five episodes. My issue is that because you're directing this, you know how everything is playing out in your head. But your script is pretty unclear and uses colorful action language when instead it should be plain and descriptive. So while you know what each scene will look like, I don't. For instance, I don't know how a jewelry store "sits vulnerably". You also have two characters "emerging" only to enter a jewelery store. I'm guessing they didn't emerge from the jewelry store then reenter it. So I'm not clear what they're emerging from? I would definitely spend more time with the script before showing it to anyone. Some of the dialogue is cringe-worthy ("Glad we’re on the same side of the law too, this is too small a job to have to hide a pig carcass.") and I don't know how you chain smoke a cigarette in the time it takes to say 6 words. Is Moody seven feet tall? I had him pictured as pretty lank and lean until you describe him as being a foot taller than a pair of hired thugs (unless there were tiny thugs?). Your character Lars is often referred to as "kid" by strangers. Is he very young? The more I read the less I want to read. I don't believe that your characters are real people and I haven't seen anything that isn't a cliche.
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Oct 22, 2010 18:57
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Rogetz posted:Well, that's certainly pretty harsh, In retrospect, it really was and I apologize. As Lars seems to be the protagonist for your show, spend some time to really think about him. I think giving him a developed human side early on will really pay off. For instance, what if he's got a very young sibling that depends on him? With no real career prospects, he has to rob to provide for his little brother/sister. I also didn't like that he was ok with the torture scene. I was hoping he'd object when it got taken too far or something. Make the audience bond with Lars or it's all for naught.
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Oct 23, 2010 19:02
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Rogetz posted:Though some of that dialogue really is atrocious and I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote it, or let it see the light of day. Writing is rewriting.
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Oct 25, 2010 17:05
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screenwritersblues posted:When his grandfather dies, a self-doubting writer returns home expecting to find inspiration for his next book and finds inspiration by rekindling the flames of a past romance. I got through the first 50 pages. I sent 2 pages of notes, but really you need to pick up the pace. Something needs to hook the reader, and I was never hooked. There was way too much exposition about the past. There's also something really weird where every conversation the main character has references something from 7-14 years ago. It's like he didn't exist in the time between or he was frozen in a block of ice.
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Oct 26, 2010 19:56
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Lando360 posted:Hey I was wondering what everyone's work format is like? Like what you do to get ready, where you write, how you form ideas and structure and things like that. If you want to write a script...then write one. The only obstacle is yourself. It sounds like your ideas are vapid and formulaic. You should prove me wrong.
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Nov 22, 2010 21:42
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Magic Hate Ball posted:Hey, look at me, ripping off George Furth again! So last year I wrote and directed a five-minute reverse-chronology short film, and I'm taking the class again and I thought I'd give that idea another shot. This time I'm being a little more ambitious, and I'm planning to use this for the longer 12-minute project. Watched the film and read the script. I really don't see a reason for doing reverse chronology with these two stories. With your script, it's not even like the male character is reminiscing backwards about how the relationship de-evolved, because there are things that the audience sees that he doesn't. Also, it's tedious as the viewer to try to piece together the different dates and times. If you were set on doing this, maybe you could find a way to really show a distinct change over time? Perhaps change the tone, color, lighting, etc of your film from the dark brooding times in the beginning to the beautiful flowering sunny ending. So start it in almost black and white, then gradually turn up the saturation and colors until the ending? Doing it that way, you might even be able to do away with displaying the dates and times up on the screen every scene.
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Jan 10, 2011 20:52
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George Kaplan posted:Here it is with a few minor changes. I perhaps ought to be more ruthless, but its getting a good response as-is. Yeah I'm not getting that Andy is racist. Sure he might owe it to Sonny to continue their friendship or be frank that he doesn't want to ever visit the neighborhood again. But I think he's allowed to not like a place he perceives as dangerous or even the strange "nice" man who took him into an alley to practice fighting. There's also a buildup of camaraderie that never pays off. Maybe Sonny could risk his own safety on Andy's behalf? That would make the ending snub a lot more poignant.
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Jan 10, 2011 21:12
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Lofty132 posted:I wrote a screenplay for a short film last summer that I based on my work experiences. Sure. <username>@hotmail.com
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Jan 19, 2011 15:26
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Mr Interweb posted:Yeah, I thought of that too. I don't really want to limit this to one time/place in history. Whats your pitch for this movie? Does it follow a central character as they face obstacles and overcome them? Is it a mockumentary? I just...don't even know what you're going for here.
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Feb 1, 2012 18:07
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Mr Interweb posted:Yes, it follows a central character. Here's a rough summary: How did you think you were going to write this in such a way that didn't name specific political parties and people? Could you do it in such a way that someone who might be offended if you name "Republicans" won't be offended if you call them something else?
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Feb 2, 2012 15:37
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Hey thread. I'm interested in producing and shooting genre short films. I have the gear and can pull together a crew. All I need are the scripts. For the immediate future I'm interested in horror/sci-fi in the sub $1,000 budget range. I'm open to the writer co-producing it as well. PM me if interested or shoot an email to jalumibnkrayalAThotmail.com
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Feb 22, 2012 19:29
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I don't know if this is valuable or useful, but the guy who runs The Black List is kinda sorta opening it up to amateurs for a fee: http://thebitterscriptreader.blogspot.com/2012/10/why-every-aspiring-writer-should-be_15.html $25 a month to keep your screenplay in their database. $50 to have an "industry professional" give it coverage and evaluation. And then production companies can search the database for scripts that fit their needs. Anyway, if folks have a script they feel confident that a production company would like to read, this might be a low cost/low effort way to get it discovered.
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Oct 16, 2012 20:53
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Sporadic posted:And it's not much help for amateur writer since the reader only rates it according to the site metic (so no notes or anything of that nature to see what the reader thought) On the Done Deal Pro forum the owner of the site is talking about the new service and I believe he mentions that there are notes sections where the readers are expected to offer more specific insight above and beyond the numbering system. Hopefully soon some people will offer reviews of the reviews they paid for.
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Oct 17, 2012 17:51
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