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I just finished writing a short (13 pages) about two high school kids who find themselves in a horrible situation during a school fire alarm. I definitely need some objective, and honest critique's so if any goons want to read it let me know.
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Aug 27, 2011 22:47
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| # ¿ May 4, 2024 17:24 |
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Great, script sent out. EDIT: Be harsh / honest 
TheMilkyNutBall fucked around with this message at 20:46 on Aug 28, 2011 |
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Aug 28, 2011 20:42
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I appreciate your honesty, and thanks for reading. I apologize in advance for this response because I'm on my iPhone not my computer. Ok so what I was going for was a light hearted comedy where the characters friendship is at stake (as well as their academic future, but that's not as important). One of my favorite shorts is Wes Anderson's Bottle Rocket (it's on YouTube). I love how sort of subtle story and the dialogue. So I guess that's what I would be striving for - although I don't want to MAKE that film, I just figured that might awnser your question about what 'kind of film I'm trying to make. Also, I wanted to challenge myself by keeping the entire film inside a bathroom. I watched Sydney limet's 12 Angry men and loved how all that drama could be contained in one room. I think the fire alarm setup sets a sort of funny opener for the relationship between two characters. The characters in this draft, I admit, are underdeveloped and the dialogue sometimes doesn't feel true. Also, the ending is innappropriate in terms of tone. From your input, I think my stakes weren't clear enough. Pretty much the only indication of the risk of losing the friendship was Adam saying 'apoligize' a bunch of times. I can't believe that's all that was in there - but hey it's a first draft. So, I'm going focus my story more around these stakes, develop my characters more, maybe drop the guidance counselor flashbacks and add some backstory on the two characters. You know when I write scripts I usually have characters in mind that are based on reality and I write using their voice. With this script I just had the story in mind and this resulted in some really cliche dialogue. Won't make that mistake again - but I'm hopeful because I have two perfect people in mind for the two characters. Thanks again for reading, I do appreciate the honesty (although the high school comment hurt a bit lol).
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Aug 29, 2011 18:07
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Every point you mentioned is spot on. Sometimes I'm annoyed because I feel like I can't really get honest, blunt critique's like this from my friends. The beauty of the anonymity of the internet, I suppose. If any of you know any other resources online that has it where you can post scripts and get critiques from other writers, please post 'em. This has been so helpful. I thought I took the 'dicking thing out of this draft  makes me cringe. Forget you saw it.About your suggestion of making it what's wrong with Mrs. Mitchell - It is interesting but I think I want to keep it more along the lines of the relationship between the two characters. I also don't see how that would be relevant to the characters when they are stuck in a fire alarm (in other words, they'd be more concerned about getting the hell out than worrying over their guidance counselor). Well, I guess I'll keep on writing 
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Aug 29, 2011 19:07
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Magic Hate Ball posted:Bottle Rocket is particularly interesting because it tells a pretty good story with fairly detailed characters in an average amount of time and doesn't waste any of it, even with the inclusion of silly, frivolous-sounding dialogue. What is Bottle Rocket about? In the most basic terms it's about two guys who rob a bookstore. That's a plot but it's not really a story. The story comes in with the details. Take what happens in the very first minute: I really like this analysis of Bottle Rocket - I never really thought about it like that. It's funny, I've watched it over and over and just sort of liked it without really knowing (or trying to understand why) but that totally makes sense. They are just walking contradictions, thinking they are big heister's in a blase, rural place. It's interesting, because another film I LOVE because of the character (which is most films, but this one especially) is Buffalo 66. Haven't seen the film in awhile but Vincent Gallo also has this sort of contradiction - trying so hard to be a sort of brutal ex-con kidnapping that chick but, in reality, is hopelessly harmless. I guess I never understood 'flawed' character in the sense of contradiction - sort of a mini-Epiphany I guess. And yes, yes I know flashbacks shouldn't be allowed if I go that route - but you're right if I want to make a story about the relationship between characters than I'm going to need more than just the bathroom scene. As for the guidance counselor's big secret - Sporadic was spot on with the Pulp Fiction briefcase thing. I just thought it was funny that this creepy, weird guidance counselor having this DEEP, dark, secret that we just have to use our imagination to fill in. Sporadic posted:But it is your thing. Do what you want with it. Just try to flesh out your thoughts so the whole thing doesn't come off like a reject Degrassi script. I won't. God, that makes me cringe. Like I've said this has been immensely helpful.
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Aug 29, 2011 23:15
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I think I've got enough things to work out already - maybe when I've revised it? Appreciate the offer, though.
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Aug 30, 2011 15:11
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Magic Hate Ball posted:You're still stuck with really low stakes, though. I don't care if two pot-smoking high school students are in danger of not going to Yale or not being BFFs anymore. Make me care. I care about the characters in Bottle Rocket because they are interestingly flawed. It's amusing to watch them build themselves up to the ~*~heist of the century~*~ because the film is really about how small-town and immature they are (note that it is about the characters). I have a question regarding 'stakes' in my short script, but it applies generally as well. Isn't it true that the stakes of a story need to be important for the characters in the story, and not necessarily for the audience members? In my script, the characters are high schoolers who are smoking weed in a high school bathroom and they cause the fire alarm to go off... Now for one of the characters, who is the 'smart', more level-headed prep who's making a capricious judgement error, the stakes are incredibly high for him because this fire alarm could mean HUGE trouble for his academic future. Now, while audience members reading the script (or... I guess watching the film) might not care about that sort of offense, don't the stakes 'work' in terms of this character? Don't get me wrong, it doesn't work in my script the way it is. I also said my stakes involved the friendship between the two so this isn't necessarily applicable, but I just wanted to use this sort of situation as an example because I was confused about it.
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Sep 2, 2011 00:04
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| # ¿ May 4, 2024 17:24 |
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Ok, so that makes a lot more sense. This is sort of off-topic, but I f'n LOVE how enjoyable, and dramatic and engaging The Social Network is without having pretty much any violence, or sex that applies to the main character (or really, any of the characters). The script is an amazing read for anyone interested: http://flash.sonypictures.com/video/movies/thesocialnetwork/awards/thesocialnetwork_screenplay.pdf It's worth a look just for that opening scene.
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Sep 2, 2011 01:18
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