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On Page 1, I think Megan fleeing to her car might be the wrong choice. I understand why it's been done - Megan isn't pivotal to Paul and Amy's story, she's merely the vehicle so you want her out of the way - but it's difficult to believe that she managed to just slip away. Did she push wordlessly past Amy? Did she beg for forgiveness? Did she utter the usual phrase of, "Er, you two need to talk." Did she laugh and saunter out? Making Megan a twin sister brings a different dynamic to the table than friend or associate. Megan now isn't just anybody...what's her motivation in this? Why does she want to screw her sister's boyfriend? Does she hate her sister? Has she fallen for the wrong guy? Why has Paul gone with his girlfriend's sister? ...in fact, I think you could get away with scrapping the rest of that page. You could just have Amy finding Paul in bed with Megan because the rest of the scene doesn't really add anything to it. All I get from that is that Amy already knew that Paul was screwing her sister behind her back, and I'm about to find that out on the next page. On page 2, I'm slightly confused by what Megan says: "Aw, come on. We kiss in the play, four times. I count them." Should it be, "I've counted them?" Why is she having to convince him to kiss her? From the next page, I can tell that they're already fooling around (this is 4 months previous but they've been playing about for 5 months) - but that's not obvious in this scene as it's written. Maybe she should bemoaning that he's kissed her previously so what's the big deal now, not that he should kiss her because they kiss in the play script. What are Paul's feelings here? Why doesn't he want to kiss her? Does he know that Amy's coming to pick him up and he's scared of getting caught? Or does he not really want to continue the fling that he's started? Is he starting to find Megan's temperament in comparison to Amy's a bit wearing? I don't really understand the scene on Page 4. On Page 3, Paul and Amy establish that they had been happy and then something happened...and on Page 4, Paul gets a part in the play. So the play made their relationship unhappy? Was he rehearsing too much? Is it because that's how he spent more time with Megan? Page 5 suggests that either Amy and Paul weren't sleeping together (which seems unlikely) or that Amy was repressed in bed, so Paul went looking elsewhere for it. ...so I find Page 12 all the more confusing - why would Amy agree to let Paul sleep with her, particularly when he suggests it in such a cruel manner? The addition of 'staring at the ceiling' light suggests that she's quite passive - it wasn't her idea to have a goodbye gently caress, and she doesn't enjoy it, but she lets him anyway and then feels hurt by it? I do like the juxtaposition of the hate gently caress / making love scenes, and I like the idea of showing a relationship breaking down via flashbacks. What I don't understand is why Paul and Amy were together in the first place, nor what Paul's motivation is for fooling around with Megan. You don't really have to answer these in the script if you don't want to, but I get the feeling that maybe you don't know yourself. I have no idea who to barrack for - is Amy the hard done by girlfriend, or did she do something to warrant this happening? Is Megan an evil sister, or does she have her reasons for trying to steal Paul? Is Paul the heartless jerk he appears to be, or did something drive him away? Are they all as bad as each other, or are they all victims of circumstance? There are lots of nice touches in your dialogue, and I particularly liked the bit about them all going for dinner and Amy wondering if Paul had noticed a change in her. I think you've got the start of something really good here.
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Mar 20, 2011 20:05
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Sporadic posted:The idea is that the camera would follow the little boy and girl until they go up the stairs (and off screen). It would than follow the women and the toddler, before stopping on Katherine in a long shot. She is on the outside, away from the fun and joy. Almost like a ghost. Did any of that come through what I written or is it all poo poo (like I'm afraid it is)? The first question I have is how relevant is any of the action? The scene is nice enough, but does any of it really matter? Is the corkscrew slide relevant? Who are the characters? Are they just any old people who happen to be in the same frame (for juxtaposition) or are they characters who will pop up again at a later date? I know some people like to write in their own cinematography and direction, but generally, that's what you hire other people for (or you already have the scene in your head anyway when you come to film it yourself). I'd try to write the essence of the scene without getting too prescriptive about *exactly* how it happens, if that makes sense? Personally, I would see this cut down to the bare bones of what you need to understand the scene. (I'm very tired, so this is pretty clunky - but just to give an example.) quote:CUT TO:
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Jun 30, 2011 21:41
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Yeah, I managed to contradict myself a bit in my post by using that camera direction (I did say I was tired!). You're right; I wouldn't ordinarily use camera directions (only sparingly if there was something imperative) but I think I was overly compensating as I felt I'd taken a lot of the movement out of Sporadic's original draft.
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Jul 1, 2011 20:08
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