The Screenwriting Thread: Without Us You Would Be Staring at A Blank Screen

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Creative Convention > The Screenwriting Thread: Without Us You Would Be Staring at A Blank Screen

Victor Vermis: Dec 21, 2004; WOKE UP IN THE DESERT AGAIN

screenwritersblues posted:

Hey screenwriting goons, maybe you can help me. I'm working on a different script and I like to put my loglines on top of the character page before I start writing out my treatments by hand.

I like this idea that I'm working on, but I'm having a hard time coming with a good logline for it.

Here's what I have so far:

After meeting and falling for a deaf girl, an ad executive tries to make the relationship that he wants to have with her work.

It needs a lot of work and I think that I can come up with something better. However I want a little feedback on it. Can it be better or is it good as is.

I'll take a whack at it.

If the fact that she's deaf is the big inciting incident or whatever at the end of Act 1, write the log-line in such a way that it shows that as being the main conflict.. "blah blah ad exec meets girl blah blah... but she's deaf".
"But she's deaf" isn't all that much more enticing than "He wants the relationship to work", but if that's the big conflict in your story, it should be presented as such.

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# ¿ May 15, 2024 10:01

Victor Vermis: Dec 21, 2004; WOKE UP IN THE DESERT AGAIN

jimcunningham posted:

Looking for some feedback.

No comments on formatting it's from final draft to wordpress and I'm too lazy to make it right.

Is this whole thing too trite? How bad does the dialogue suck? Is the premise just dumb as poo poo?

There's not really a lot to go on here. Are these scenes from a feature-length story? An episode?

The only part I find interesting is this idea that a super hero creates super villains. Unfortunately, this idea is declared through verbal exposition (generally bad). And I have no idea if the concept is something that's been done to death in the super hero genre. I suspect it's been done.

On it's own there isn't anything particularly original here; it is trite. A hero beat up by his captors. The bad guys kill the damsel in distress. Laid out on a therapist's couch, a man recounts a childhood tragedy.

What are you trying to accomplish? Keep at it and keep offering stuff up for critique. It's the only way to get better.

# ¿ Mar 1, 2015 05:29

Victor Vermis: Dec 21, 2004; WOKE UP IN THE DESERT AGAIN

Alan_Shore posted:

I've been writing a ridiculous TV show thanks to the advice here. I have a formatting question. I've written:

They enter

INT. CAPTAIN'S OFFICE - DAY

The captain's office belongs to...

I just want a smoother way of them entering the office, instead of writing something like "They open the door and walk in." But do I need something after "they enter"? Like "they enter..." OR "they enter --" etc.? I guess it's a stylistic choice?

Also, I've been using the free Writerduet and it's pretty wonderful. I used to use CELTX but they discontinued the program and it has a fair few bugs. Writerduet has a lot of useful features, so it's worth a try!

What needs to be communicated by the way they walk in? Is there a reason why they need to walk in beyond "that's how they got there"?

Just start the scene with them already in the office if it doesn't matter.

# ¿ Jul 5, 2016 18:15

Victor Vermis: Dec 21, 2004; WOKE UP IN THE DESERT AGAIN

Alan_Shore posted:

Well the two cops are having a conversation, then they stroll into the captain's office where the captain starts berating them (of course). It's a TV pilot so it has to read as quick as possible! It's a comedy.

Again, unless the act of walking in is communicating something or somehow integral to them transitioning from a private conversation to a berating, is it necessary?

Walk-and-Talk is fair game as a stylistic choice, sure. But again.. is it necessary? Is that the tone of your show and its dialogue?

Cutting from a private convo to the middle of an rear end-chewing can be funny, too. And it reads faster than an extra sentence or two.

# ¿ Jul 5, 2016 22:12

Victor Vermis: Dec 21, 2004; WOKE UP IN THE DESERT AGAIN

Double-posting for example.

code:

INT. POLICE STATION -- DAY
Cop1 and Cop2 walk through hall. 

COP1
We've been crushing it lately.

COP2
We have, haven't we?

Cop1 and Cop2 confidently stride into Captain's office

CAPTAIN
I'm going to crush you.

Or replace the last action line with a scene header if you don't need to see the actors' behavior change in real-time or if you feel a cut has more comedic potential. It'll likely be shot the same way regardless so ultimately it comes down to editing.

.. Unless there's more that needs to be communicated through the action text.

Hope that makes sense.

# ¿ Jul 5, 2016 22:25

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