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Could anyone cast an eye over this short film screenplay and give me some tips? I usually write silly comedy nonsense, this is the first time I've tried to grow up and do things subtly and with some depth. No preamble or explanation, because I think the biggest problem is getting people to understand the underlying story I'm trying to imply.
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Dec 9, 2010 19:58
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| # ¿ May 6, 2024 11:00 |
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Thanks, man. I'll work on it - I definitely lengthened the start recently because we weren't getting his character down quick enough, so I'll see if I can speed it up a bit.York_M_Chan posted:The dialogue is a little hackneyed This is totally true, but it makes me smile, because the worst lines are probably the ones I've recalled verbatim from the guy that inspired Sonny! Edit: Good call on the suggestions! Will probably work more of a "ohshitI'mgoingtogetmugged" reaction in near the start. I don't want to go overboard with it - I want there to be a feel at the start like maybe the guy has some reason to be scared, and break it down slowly as it goes on. George Kaplan fucked around with this message at 00:03 on Dec 10, 2010 |
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Dec 10, 2010 00:01
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wafflesnsegways posted:Yup. In fact, whatever line/scene/moment originally inspired me to write something usually ends up cut the first time I read it through. I can appreciate that. Some parts of writing this have been tougher than expected. I got some great response from the first draft:  So what's happening in the end? Well, the main character turns out to be racist. Did you write this yourself? Yes, why? Does he not come off that way? No, but you do. Here it is with a few minor changes. I perhaps ought to be more ruthless, but its getting a good response as-is.
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Dec 18, 2010 22:17
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