Notable Gaming Experiences: The Gospel According to CobiWann's DM

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Traditional Games > Notable Gaming Experiences: The Gospel According to CobiWann's DM

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Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

I�m sorry, we have a very strict post limit and we have to screen for quality mat- :commissar:

# ¿ Jun 30, 2021 20:15

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# ¿ May 21, 2024 10:17

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

ZZT the Fifth posted:

Okay, making sure.

Before you click this link, I'm giving a content warning for homophobia, censored slurs, neo-nazis, not terribly subtle racism, attempted drugging, attempted kidnapping, and attempted murder.

I present to you a story that goes beyond catpiss: "The Time I Traded My Shoes For My Life".

Oh, how bad could this--
:stonklol:

The mantra needs updating: "No gaming is better than being torture-murdered by hicks."

# ¿ Jun 30, 2021 20:58

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Colonel Cool posted:

I've played with that guy before and I'm not especially inclined to believe the story, mostly because he has a number of other insane life stories in that vein. But I suppose it's possible that he's just had a particularly crazy life.

Ah, the 50-foot ant rule.

# ¿ Jul 1, 2021 14:50

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

CobiWann posted:

According to my DM, killing my PC's mother is NOT the worst thing he could do. That would be turning her into a MILF for the party's Bard.

So, when you manage to sneak a peek at the evil wizard�s spell list and see that he has �PolyMILF Other� memorized, that�s when you know you�ve made him take out all the stops.

# ¿ Jul 2, 2021 01:48

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Look, it�s called Abi-Dalzim�s Horrid Wilting and not Alex Jones� Greater Vitality for a reason.

# ¿ Jul 8, 2021 12:42

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

CobiWann posted:

According to my DM, the School of Conjuration holds the best keggers.

Your DM is lying to you and you know it. The School of Alteration is right there.

# ¿ Jul 21, 2021 17:14

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Agrikk posted:

Last time I went to one, my gf ghosted me.

Probably for the best, she sounds like a wight supremacist.

# ¿ Jul 21, 2021 20:09

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

JustJeff88 posted:

Wrong, no-one parties like abjurers because they can cast 'Banish Hangover'

Note that the spell �It�s coming home� belongs to the Illusion school.

# ¿ Jul 21, 2021 21:13

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Ichabod Sexbeast posted:

It'll be conjuration one day!

Ah, the founder of the School of Delusion is here!

# ¿ Jul 21, 2021 23:54

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Agrikk posted:

It�s these types of scenarios that make for really fun discussions (hello peasant railgun), but if you tried that kinda stuff at my game it would be a quick, �yeah, no� with an accompanying �Let�s move it along�.

Though these games live in our imaginations I still make them internally consistent within the bounds of an imagined reality.

I once had a guy ask me if I played D&D and I said yeah. He says, �so you can swing hundred-foot swords and poo poo?� My response was something like �no. Duh. How could you carry it, let alone swing it?�

I mean, if we were playing some high- fantasy stuff like the first age of middle earth, then yeah swing away. Cast mountains down and boil oceans. But in my normal games my humans are humans who are capable, within the imagined bounds of reality, of doing only things humans could normally do.

Hey now, they could swing it. Downwards. Once.
E: At least in pathfinder, if you had a strength of 31 or more you could lift a 25mm x 25mm x 30 meter iron bar!

Preechr fucked around with this message at 22:49 on Oct 4, 2021

# ¿ Oct 4, 2021 22:25

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Cooked Auto posted:

In the final Wrath & Glory session last weekend my Tempestus Scion almost managed to one shot the boss with a bolt pistol.

The Rogue Trader and her entourage busts into the throne room of the Xenos Emperor who had possessed the body of her father, alongside a Farseer and his Warlocks. But we arrive too late to stop the corrupted Eldar Avatar from being summoned (the xenos race was very big on corrupting Eldar tech in this case) and battle is joined.

After blitzing down a bunch of the bodyguards my character gets held in place and has her main weapon flung out of her hand at the same time so now it's out of reach. But I can still act so my turn comes up and I do the only thing I can think of, pull my sidearm and just start shooting. And manage to roll so well that the GM goes "Well that just happened" and then on Discord mentions that I had been two wounds away from one shotting him with that roll.
Then I finished him off with a roll almost as good as the first one and killed him.
Which also made the Avatar crumble to dust as he was a load bearing miniboss.

Not bad if I have to say myself.

The rude craftsmanship and weak faith of the perfidious xeno crumble before the inestimable might of the Imperial Guard and their most holy weapons wrought by the artifice of the Adeptus Mechanicus. :commissar:

# ¿ Oct 21, 2021 15:47

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

JustJeff88 posted:

I saw the posts silly, I was just clarifying the issue if anyone gave a toss.

Tomorrow is the pitcher though, I assume he�d be giving the toss?

# ¿ Jan 20, 2022 03:04

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

CzarChasm posted:

You know it might be sexist, but instead of carrying around shrunken heads, perhaps gold plated severed testicles

Because when it comes to predatory banks, my mind always jumps to gold man-sacks

What about an excessively macho fairy? Hard to beat Manny Fae.

# ¿ Jan 31, 2022 21:31

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

JustJeff88 posted:

According to my DM, Bigby's Interposing Hand is not an effective form of birth control.

Yeah nah, you�re looking for Bigby�s Crushing Hand. Beginner�s mistake!

# ¿ Apr 6, 2022 02:41

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Night10194 posted:

They were investigating sightings of a weird giant porcupine thing in the Black Forest in Germany and ran into a team of supposed German intel operatives doing the same. Being reasonable, they worked together to catch the giant spike pig (and discovered it can fire the spikes like crossbow bolts, and was also pregnant, suggesting more giant spike pigs). Then the German guys turned out to be trying to cover it up and tried to stop them getting custody of the suspect pig in question after they tranqed her in a pit trap humanely, culminating in a brawl in the cabin of a truck with the sleeping pig in the back.

The pig is theirs. Though their scientist threatened to wake the pig if the Germans kept fighting after they got control of the brawl, which nobody wanted, because that pig was dynamite. File 03, Operation Hog Data was a success, though now they have to explain why they arrested five German operatives.

Take a look at this pig�s HUGE quills!

# ¿ Apr 27, 2022 19:03

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

CobiWann posted:

According to my DM, when playing Legend of the Five Rings there's a big difference between kabuki and bukkake.

Not if you�re doing it right.

# ¿ Jun 22, 2022 06:41

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Admiralty Flag posted:

Don't want to mix up the martial and marital aids in the bedroom, could get messy

Preechr posted:

Not if you�re doing it right.

# ¿ Jun 23, 2022 05:02

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

CobiWann posted:

According to my DM, there's a difference between necromantic burial rites and necromantic burial rights.

I initially misread this as �there�s a difference between necromantic burial rites and nec-romantic burial rites� and grew concerned.

# ¿ Jul 19, 2022 23:50

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

HiKaizer posted:

We have actually been doing a bunch of delivery quests, which while would not be good for a whole campaign were suited for the start of one. We are specifically all Prime characters, so for all of us the planes and Sigil are weird and largely unknown. So doing deliveries helped us learn about Sigil and the Outlands a bit while making enough coin to cover our rooms and meals. In addition we had a few odd things as well, one minor plot has been investigating an advocate in the Sigil legal system who has been getting their nose into stuff they shouldn't be so we got asked to investigate who was hiring them and why.

Finally we have a big sort of campaign focus mystery which has been to do with how we got into Sigil. Our group was effectively tricked into smuggling a Greater Power Key into Sigil and doing so has caused us to burn out any portal to the Prime Material we try to use. This was partly to prevent our characters from returning home immediately back to the world we know and are comfortable with, but also has drawn the attention of what is effectively the Portal Key mafia in Sigil who have indicated they may have use of our "unique talents" at some point in the future.

In the Sigil justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: the murderhobos, who commit crimes; and the planar attorneys, who are about to get turbomurdered by the former. These are their stories.
*doink doink*

# ¿ Dec 3, 2022 10:57

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

boxen posted:

If you popped out of the ring while the dragon was holding it and flying through the air, would you just be falling?

You make a rapid transition from your Planar Pocket to the dragon�s Prison Pocket.

# ¿ Dec 22, 2022 19:00

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

You can�t see the other one in there mirroring its movements; they�re driving it like a jaeger.

# ¿ Jan 14, 2023 03:51

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

It always seemed to me like you could game that system by believing in Ao, whose core tenets are: nothing.

# ¿ Mar 8, 2023 18:29

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

CobiWann posted:

According to my DM, there is a non-binary sexual demon called a Fuccubus.

Ah, so you�re playing in a world that�s a dark mirror of My Neighbor Totoro.

# ¿ Apr 9, 2023 20:55

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

CobiWann posted:

According to my DM, I may not use Summon Water Elemental to summon an elemental comprised of Bud Light.

�I know you�re pro-LGBTQ+, Cobi, but elementals are already planar allies.�

I guess �piss water� isn�t close enough to actual water to count for a water elemental?

# ¿ Apr 14, 2023 15:10

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

In retrospect, your GM should have understood when you changed to an all-yellow outfit and dared enemies to enter your magical realm.

# ¿ Apr 14, 2023 18:03

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

CobiWann posted:

According to my DM, a Fire Giant with a potion of Frost Giant Strength is just going through a goth phase, Dad.

It came up on the loot table, and the DM wanted to watch us wrap our heads around it.

This implies that a Fire Giant with a potion of Fire Giant Strength would be normal. Do you expect to encounter humans with potions of Human Strength, outside of bodybuilders? Is there a Fire Giant somewhere selling Super Giant Vitality, telling all and sundry that wizards are putting chemicals in the water to turn the frogs Fae?

# ¿ Jul 17, 2023 15:09

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

You could have bitten the fingers. You could have licked and sucked them suggestively. You could have given the revenant a noogie. You could have practiced throat singing and sung your verbal components instead. I�m just saying, you had options.

# ¿ Oct 2, 2023 22:51

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

*points 2 Dilves*

# ¿ Feb 4, 2024 08:05

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Mirage posted:

Almost had our entire group taken out by a statue last night.

The players are exploring an underground labyrinth. They come across a statue of a goddess which has an altar beneath it; on this altar is a small scroll and a key. The scroll reads, "When in need of a key, offer your prayers to the goddess. Do not resist whatever comes your way."

So the first player says a quick prayer. I ask, "Do you choose to make a Willpower check?" and he does. I tell him nothing happens. He tries to pick up the key and instantly falls unconscious.

Next player comes up and prays. Again, I ask, "do you choose to check Willpower?" He does. Nothing happens. Touches the key, falls asleep.

Now comes the third player. I ask, very clearly, "Do you CHOOSE to make a Willpower roll?" Looks at me funny but does anyway. Touches the key. Snooze land.

Along comes the fourth and last player in the group, stepping over the magically sleeping bodies of his compatriots. I lean forward, eyes bulging, and say in my best Chris Tucker "do you hear these words coming out of my mouth" voice: "Do. You. CHOOSE. To make a Willpower check."

The other players instantly get "Ohhhhhh" looks on their faces.

Fourth player, picking up dice: "I do --"

Everybody frantically shakes their heads and waves their arms.

Fourth player, realizing: "... nnnot?"

Grabs the key, no problem.

The sleeping characters were supposed to need magic to awaken, but the last character was a fighter, so I just let him kick them awake.

Stoney tarts distributing warnings are no basis for a system of party decision-making.

# ¿ Mar 2, 2024 15:27

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# ¿ May 21, 2024 10:17

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Have you considered the formulary alternative, Summon Candiru?

# ¿ Apr 9, 2024 18:27

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Traditional Games > Notable Gaming Experiences: The Gospel According to CobiWann's DM

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