PYF The Onion story

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lidnsya: Nov 14, 2007; <img src="https://fi.somethingawful.com/customtitles/title-lidnsya.jpg"><br>All aboard the sleepy train!

Planet Earth Doesn't Know How To Make It Any Clearer It Wants Everyone To Leave

http://www.theonion.com/articles/planet-earth-doesnt-know-how-to-make-it-any-cleare,20639/

# ? Mar 15, 2012 03:30

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 23, 2024 11:17

Whimskey: Jul 4, 2007

Virgin Mary Statue Crying For No Good Reason

# ? Mar 15, 2012 03:37

BlackIronHeart: Aug 2, 2004; The Oath Breaker's about to hit warphead nine Kaptain!

Disgruntled Ninja Silently Kills 12 Co-Workers

# ? Mar 15, 2012 03:45

What The Pfargtl: Sep 10, 2007; This message brought to you by the United States Department of Condescending Paternalism.

As a Hurricanes fan, I found this article hilarious:

Carolina Residents Confused, Terrified As Victorious Hurricane Players Riot In Streets

# ? Mar 15, 2012 03:47

Rabbi Raccoon: Mar 31, 2009; I stabbed you dude!

Area Woman's Entire Day Ruined By Bangs cracks me up.

# ? Mar 15, 2012 03:54

Telemarchitect: Oct 1, 2009; TOUCH THE KNOB

Nation Trying, Okay?

# ? Mar 15, 2012 04:17

Dracula Factory: Sep 7, 2007

Here's one that I enjoyed in the days my my youth.

Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out Of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling On This One Guy
http://www.theonion.com/articles/five-or-six-dudes-jump-out-of-nowhere-and-just-sta,338/

# ? Mar 15, 2012 04:23

Eggbeater Jesus: Sep 21, 2008; Add a dab of lavender to milk. Leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

Abeya Minora posted:

The best headline they ever did was "Black Man Asks Nation For Change" during the 2008 US Presidential Election cycle.

"Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job" ranks pretty high up there, too.

As far as videos go, my favorite is Joad Cressbeckler's stance on GM foods.

# ? Mar 15, 2012 04:30

twerking on the railroad: Jun 23, 2007; Get on my level

The classic of all classics: "I'll smoke anything"

http://www.theonion.com/articles/ill-smoke-anything,10882/

This one absolutely killed me when I first read it

http://www.theonion.com/articles/stop-anthropomorphizing-me,11459/

# ? Mar 15, 2012 04:36

AndrewP: Apr 21, 2010

I think this is the best thing I've read on the Onion, which is saying a lot. Perfect from top to bottom:

Commentary: gently caress Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

As far as ONN goes, I haven't really been keeping up lately but this is the funniest one I've seen so far:

New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time

AndrewP has a new favorite as of 04:41 on Mar 15, 2012

# ? Mar 15, 2012 04:37

Jet Jaguar: Feb 12, 2006; Don't touch my bags if you please, Mr Customs Man.

I've always liked the short stories about the Supreme Court:
Supreme Court Overturns Car
Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules
Supreme Court Rules Restaurant Patron Must Try This Cheesecake

And my favorite point/counterpoints:
Footprints
Hug Me! vs No, Hug Me!

# ? Mar 15, 2012 04:41

utada: Jun 6, 2006; I had the craziest dream last night. I was dancing the White Swan.

Victim of Mall Shooting Determined Not to Die in Yankee Candle

The Onion posted:

"I remember thinking 'This is it, I'm going to die,'" the 34-year-old contractor said from his bed at Buffalo General Hospital, where he is still under observation after sustaining three gunshot wounds, including one that left a bullet lodged in his spine. "Then I looked around at where I was and told myself there was no way in hell I was going to let them find me curled up behind a floor display of Midnight Jasmine Housewarmer jar candles."

# ? Mar 15, 2012 04:52

a kitten: Aug 5, 2006

New Study Reveals: Babies Are Stupid

quote:

LOS ANGELES--A surprising new study released Monday by UCLA's Institute For Child Development revealed that human babies, long thought by psychologists to be highly inquisitive and adaptable, are actually extraordinarily stupid.

The study, an 18-month battery of intelligence tests administered to over 3,500 babies, concluded categorically that babies are "so stupid, it's not even funny."

Just thinking about this one from Our Dumb Century has been known to give me the giggles.

Lastly, this one, which I can't even seem to find online.
Black Bear Attacks, Rapes Zookeeper

The Onion posted:

Black Bear Attacks, Rapes, Zookeeper

Grin and bear it! Barry, an 850 lb. black bear, got a little frisky
with zookeeper Ron Gilks. The anal rape is believed to be the first
inter-special coupling in Metro Zoo history.

Here's a little dog-bites-man tale we couldn't resist! Except
replace "dog" with "850-pound black bear"! And "bites" with "anally
violate"!

Yes, last Saturday a zookeeper at the Metropolitan Zoo had
"claws" for alarm when he was attacked and raped by the same black
bear he had raised from a cub! Geez, talk about gratitude!

"It was horrible, just horrible," sobbed an eyewitness. Guess
she sure got an eyeful!

The bear, named "Barry," attacked zookeeper Ron Gilks as Gilks
entered the cage to give him dinner. Barry lunged at his throat,
goring him with his huge claws and razor-sharp teeth. Some of the claw
marks were three-quarters of an inch deep. Ouch!

Then, astonished onlookers could "bearly" believe what happened
next--Barry began to brutally rape zookeeper Gilks!

Frantic zookeepers rushed for rifles as others tried to divert
the bear. But there was no stopping Barry! This bear kept "bearing
down," and Gilks just had to grin and "bear" it! Maybe Barry was
mistaking him for his "honey"!

Gilks was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital. A full quart
of bear semen was extracted from his ruptured chest cavity. And that's
no small Boo-Boo!

Barry's 27-inch phallus, armed with guard hairs as sharp as
red-hot needles, shot through Gilks' rectum, shattered his lower spine
and skewered his colon, causing his entire lower torso to "cave" in!
Yikes! Bet that wasn't the type of "cave" you had in mind when you
took up zookeeping, Mr. Gilks!

And can you imagine Gilks' surprise when Barry's putrid ursine
semen flooded his ruptured chest cavity? (By the way, Mr. Gilks,
whatever cologne you've been wearing, where can the public get some?)

Finally, zookeeper Eric Pulliam shot Barry with a tranquilizer
gun and pulled Gilks from the cage. The unconscious bear was later
destroyed. Hey, this "Yogi" made a major "Boo-Boo"!

"I have worked with dangerous animals before," zoo director Kate
Donegal said. "But never have I seen any animal sexually assault a
human being." "Barry"? Try "Scary"!

Meanwhile, Gilks was pronounced dead at an area hospital--but at
least he died grinning and bearing it! No doubt, this episode gives
new meaning to the term, "Do not feed the bears!"

_{Strangely I did find that in a gassed SA thread from '09 that google turned up.}

a kitten has a new favorite as of 05:32 on Mar 15, 2012

# ? Mar 15, 2012 05:27

Croisquessein: Feb 25, 2005; invisible or nonexistent, and should be treated as such

Breaking News: Bat Loose In Congress

This makes me laugh every time I watch it.

# ? Mar 15, 2012 05:41

Fate Accomplice: Nov 30, 2006

The funniest thing I have ever seen on the Onion was a headline with no story, no link.

"Baby Can Feel Daddy Kick"

I feel terribly every time I think about it, but it's also impossibly hilarious.

# ? Mar 15, 2012 05:49

Questioner86: Feb 8, 2006; Gaming Freak Of Nature

Repeal Of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Paves Way For Gay Sex Right On Battlefield, Opponents Fantasize

http://www.theonion.com/articles/repeal-of-dont-ask-dont-tell-paves-way-for-gay-sex,17698/

# ? Mar 15, 2012 05:53

Chorocojo: Sep 25, 2005; Legendary Enchantment Creature -- Bird God

In The Know: Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?

"We could use griffins but we don't use griffins and I think that's what separates us from them."

# ? Mar 15, 2012 05:59

betty finn: Jul 18, 2006

who could forget the point-counterpoint "My computer hates me"?

http://www.theonion.com/articles/my-computer-totally-hates-me-vs-god-do-i-hate-that,11538/

# ? Mar 15, 2012 06:38

Zoph: Sep 12, 2005

Malloreon posted:

The funniest thing I have ever seen on the Onion was a headline with no story, no link.

"Baby Can Feel Daddy Kick"

I feel terribly every time I think about it, but it's also impossibly hilarious.

Similarly brilliant in its brevity:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/diorama-of-rome-built-in-a-day,8785/

# ? Mar 15, 2012 06:43

Mr. D Bewildering: Mar 24, 2010; 8^y

This one was a lot funnier before that whole Italian cruise ship disaster

U.S. Authorities Can't Really Fault Al-Qaeda For Deadly Bombing Of Carnival Cruise Ship

But the headline Rumors Of Extramarital Affair End Campaign Of Presidential Candidate Who Didn't Know China Has Nuclear Weapons will always have a special place in my heart :allears:

A bit wordy, but whatever.

# ? Mar 15, 2012 06:48

TurnipFritter: Apr 21, 2010; 10,000 POSTS ON TALKING TIME

Jean Teasdale's articles are fantastic. Will Semi-Success Spoil Jean Teasdale? and Here's To The Next 40 Years Of Jean! are probably the best ones.

# ? Mar 15, 2012 07:22

Justin Godscock: Oct 12, 2004; Listen here, funnyman!

My absolute favorite point/counterpoint. Especially if you ever took a poli-sci course.

Nigeria May Be A Developing Nation, But It Is Rich In Culture
http://www.theonion.com/articles/nigeria-may-be-a-developing-nation-but-it-is-rich,11539/

# ? Mar 15, 2012 07:32

bloops: Dec 31, 2010; Thanks Ape Pussy!

Anything by Jim Anchower or the Biden news stories.
Biden To Cool His Heels In Mexico For A While

# ? Mar 15, 2012 07:50

Ganraam: Feb 26, 2005; Whatever he does represents both a gain and a loss, an arrival and a departure.

Area Man Makes it Through Day

The Onion posted:

In addition, he also surmounted the onslaught of more than 150 separate anxiety-producing forces, including credit card debt, weight gain, hair loss, sexual inferiority, loneliness, a dead-end job, geographical isolation from extended family, virus-laden spam, the need to keep his cell phone charged, in-store Muzak, mortality, mounting laundry and dishes, his cable bill, indefinable longing, fear of terrorism, online gossip, the unavoidable certainty of his own unimportance, nostalgia for a past that never was, severe lower-back pain, and general ennui.

"I only wish I had gotten a chance to pick up those replacement filters for the vacuum cleaner," Blume said only moments after valiantly suppressing the urge to set fire to his carefully cataloged file cabinet of insurance information and old appliance manuals.

# ? Mar 15, 2012 07:53

Sailor Goon: Feb 21, 2012

Walken In LA

This one's not in the Onion's current archive, so I'm just going to quote it here.

The Onion posted:

Do you enjoy eating hot dogs? I hope you won't be put off by my frankness when I tell you that I absolutely love them. In fact, I enjoy no food item more than a freshly-boiled hot dog. Now, I've done a lot of movies, and it's true that I've worked with quite a few celebrities who did not share this opinion. I'm sorry to say that these people have always angered me.

There are two types of people in this world: those who eat hot dogs whenever it is possible to do so, and those who opt to do other things with their free time. Who do the latter think they are kidding? What pastime could be more rewarding than the consumption of hot dogs? I haven't yet found one, and I don't expect to in my lifetime. Unlike other foods, hot dogs can be eaten at any time, in any place, and it is not necessary to cook them. Now, I ask you: Why not eat hot dogs? They are delicious.

I carry a bag of hot dogs with me wherever I go. I eat them from the bag whenever I get the urge, regardless of the circumstances. When I make a movie, my hot dogs are my co-stars. If, in the middle of a scene, I decide I want to consume a hot dog, I do so. I waste the director's time and thousands of dollars in film stock, but in the end, it is all worth it, because I enjoy eating hot dogs more than I enjoy acting. This bothers some people. I was supposed to portray Batman, but when Tim Burton learned of my hot dog cravings, he asked Michael Keaton to wear the cape. To this day, I am peeved about this.

When we filmed The Dead Zone, I ate over 800 hot dogs a day. It was necessary. My character needed to come across as intense as possible, and I found the inspiration for that intensity in my intense love for hot dogs. The director, David Cronenberg, said that he would never work with me again. I kept eating hot dogs when the cameras were rolling, and that seemed to bother him. I say gently caress him. He doesn't even like hot dogs.

I would like to end by emphasizing once again that I really like to eat hot dogs. If any of you people disagree, I loathe you. I despise you. Not only that, but I also despise all your loved ones. I want to see them torn to pieces by wild dogs. If I ever meet you in person, I'll smash your brains in with a loving bat. Then we'll see who doesn't like hot dogs.

Next week: My thoughts on Woody Allen, hot dog hater and lovely director.

# ? Mar 15, 2012 08:13

thrakkorzog: Nov 16, 2007

My favorite Point/Counterpoint: European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men.

Probably dating myself, but Area Stoners Mistakenly Hold Massive Kemp Rally has to be one of my favorite headlines.

# ? Mar 15, 2012 08:23

FuriousGeorge: Jan 23, 2006; Ah, the simple joys of a monkey knife-fight.; Grimey Drawer

Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game will always be the greatest headline.

Also, gently caress Everything, We're Doing Five Blades.

# ? Mar 15, 2012 08:39

StealThisAlias: Apr 5, 2007; \m/ Fear the lawnmower \m/

Single Bee Sends Gathering of Humans into Helpless Panic
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/single_bee_sends_gathering_of

Ho Ho Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/56321

Metal Council Convenes to Discuss 'Metal Hand Sign' Abuse
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/42365

Mavericks to Incorporate Machetes into Hack-A-Shaq Defense
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/49358

FBI Seizes Massive Anthrax Stockpile
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/35621

Man Dies After Secret, 4-Year Battle With Gorilla
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/man_dies_after_secret_4_year

# ? Mar 15, 2012 09:07

Maxwells Demon: Jan 15, 2007

One of those single headlines, nothing more. It still is the cleverest wordplay I know:

Jurispudence Fetishist Gets Off on Technicality

# ? Mar 15, 2012 09:58

Haschel Cedricson: Jan 4, 2006; Brinkmanship

Maxwells Demon posted:

One of those single headlines, nothing more. It still is the cleverest wordplay I know:

Jurispudence Fetishist Gets Off on Technicality

I came here to post this.

I'm also a fan of "Thirsty Mayor Drinks Town's Entire Water Supply".

# ? Mar 15, 2012 10:17

Bruce Leroy: Jun 10, 2010

You guys already got some of my favorite articles, so here's one of my favorite videos:

New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion

# ? Mar 15, 2012 13:50

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

All Y'All Urged To Go gently caress Yo' Selves

# ? Mar 15, 2012 13:55

Hobo By Design: Mar 17, 2009; Hobo By Intent or Robo Hobo?; Ramrod XTreme

Archaeological dig uncovers ancient race of skeleton people.

World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice

quote:

"It kills me that I can't infect the control group," Villalobos said. "Unfortunately, if I infect them, I'll throw off my results. But once I complete this experiment, I'll rotate the control group into the hot seat. Don't you worry. They'll get what's coming to them."

# ? Mar 15, 2012 14:32

Celery Face: Feb 18, 2012

Newly Out Gay Man Overdoing It.

quote:

PENSACOLA, FL�Calling his flamboyant air and effeminate mannerisms "a bit forced," friends of recently out-of-the-closet homosexual Mark Glynn, 23, say he's overdoing it.

"When Mark first told us he was gay, everybody was totally cool with it," longtime friend Rich Eddy said. "We figured he'd basically be the same old Mark, except he'd be dating guys. Boy, were we wrong."

Though Glynn's friends expected him to become comfortable and open with his sexuality, they did not expect him to go to such great lengths to proclaim his preference for men at every conceivable turn.

"We just figured he'd start saying stuff to us at bars like, 'Check out that cute guy's butt,'" Eddy said. "But he takes pains to telegraph his gayness 24 hours a day. Last night, a bunch of us were talking about what's going on with Bush and Iraq, when, out of nowhere, he says, 'You know what Bush needs? A good rear end-loving. That'd relax him.' It's like, 'Okay, Mark, we get it already�you're gay.'"

Continued Eddy: "It's like he's scared that if he doesn't wear hot pants and say 'You go, girl!' a lot, somebody might think he's straight."

Lydia Richter, another longtime friend of Glynn's, has also noticed the change.

"We can't have a conversation without him mentioning some aspect of gay culture," Richter said. "No matter what it is�art, comedy, movies, restaurants, philosophy�he goes off on how it affects him as a gay man. Mark, we've accepted that you like the dick, so just shut up and be gay already."

Even Andrew Storch, a gay coworker of Glynn's who recently went on several dates with him, said Glynn is "laying on the gay a little heavy."

RADIO NEWS
Area Man Feels Guilty For Hating Annoying, Gay Coworker
"After Mark came out, he said he'd been attracted to me for a long time," Storch said. "We went out a few times, but he constantly acted like he had something to prove. Everywhere he went, he was mincing around like RuPaul at Wigstock. And, Lord, you should have seen the shoes he was wearing on our second date. I realize he's excited about being out of the closet, but you don't have to make up for those lost years of gayness all at once."

Added Storch: "I hope I wasn't like that when I came out."

Of all the aspects of Glynn's life, friends say his wardrobe has undergone the most drastic change. Instead of wearing khakis and understated dress shirts, Glynn now opts for brightly patterned sleeveless T-shirts and tight short-shorts.

"Two weeks after he came out, he showed up at a party in little pink biker shorts and an open button-down shirt with nothing on underneath," Eddy said. "This is a guy who once said wearing blue jeans made him feel 'weird.' Now, he says he's saving up to buy a whole leather get-up with harnesses and metal studs. I don't know where he got the idea that real gay people actually wear that stuff in their daily lives."

Glynn has adopted a number of other stereotypically gay affectations, including finger-snapping, a "swishy" walk, and calling everyone "sweetie" or "girlfriend."

"I guess he's picking it up from some of the gay guys he meets when he goes out, but it's just not him," Storch said. "A few times, I've actually caught him doing the limp-wrist thing. All that's missing is the lisp."

Even Glynn's drinking habits have taken on a gay tone.

"Mark used to be a single-malt scotch drinker," Eddy said. "Now it's Cosmos or Mai Tais. I didn't realize that liking men altered your taste buds."

According to Dirk Yunger, author of You're Here, You're Queer, Get Used To It: The New Millennium Guide To Coming Out Of The Closet, it is common for "late bloomers" like Glynn to over-embrace homosexuality.

"Mark has been hiding his true sexuality for so long, he can't help but want to shout it out to the world," Yunger said. "His friends should give him time to figure out how his newfound sexual openness will fit into his larger persona. Eventually, he will level out and become more like the Mark they used to know. In the meantime, his friends will have to endure a lot of annoying conversations about 14-inch dildos and what he'd like to do to Rupert Everett. Christ, I don't envy them."

The sad and hilarious thing is, I know some gay guys who act like this.

# ? Mar 15, 2012 16:12

Farquar: Apr 30, 2003; Bjorn you glad I didn't say banana?

Onion fans should also enjoy http://www.literallyunbelievable.org

Facebook reactions from people who think Onion articles are real.

# ? Mar 15, 2012 16:38

Mr. D Bewildering: Mar 24, 2010; 8^y

I first saw that site after they uploaded a whole string of Facebook reactions to $8 billion Abortionplex. It was glorious.

# ? Mar 15, 2012 16:50

HMC: May 18, 2009

Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8
http://www.theonion.com/articles/pitchfork-gives-music-68,2278/

Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box
http://www.theonion.com/articles/daddy-put-in-byebye-box,2411/

That one's so good but I can hardly read it. It's so loving brutal.

# ? Mar 15, 2012 17:28

Jibo: May 22, 2007; Bear Witness; College Slice

Abeya Minora posted:

The best headline they ever did was "Black Man Asks Nation For Change" during the 2008 US Presidential Election cycle.

Speaking of which.

One of my favorite videos:

Rex Ryan, Rob Ryan Announce That They Are Brothers Who Kiss Each Other On The Lips

The best part is actually when they debate whether or not Ben Roethlisberger can go an entire off season without committing sexual assault.

# ? Mar 15, 2012 17:43

Buergermeister: Oct 19, 2003; You serious?

This one was hilarious: http://www.theonion.com/articles/rumsfeld-makes-surprise-visit-to-wifes-vagina,1372/

# ? Mar 15, 2012 18:11

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 23, 2024 11:17

Furnok Dorn: Mar 30, 2004; SOCIALLY WORTHLESS SHUT-IN NERD

It was on a byline probably around ten years ago but:

"BUDDY SYSTEM RESPONSIBLE FOR ADDITIONAL DEATH"

always gets a laugh outta me

# ? Mar 15, 2012 18:13

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