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Just found this thread, thought it could use some resurrection. These are some of my favorites for the absolute absurdity of them. Fritolaysia cuts off chiplomatic relations with Snackistan National funk congress deadlocked on get up/get down issue I also liked this one from this week's issue - Homesick kid on a sleepover needs to just tough it the gently caress out Someone earlier mentioned how The Onion nails dark humor, which made me think of this one - Sudanese 14 year old has midlife crisis A few people mentioned the moon landing article, but I didn't see anyone mention the video - Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIkHLO93lCA One of my favorite headlines with no article was from about 10 years ago - Road-Kill Squirrel Remembered As Frantic, Indecisive
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Mar 29, 2012 04:41
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I've gotten more real-world mileage out of Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be than I care to admit.
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Mar 29, 2012 05:07
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The new Today Now! that came out is just pure, terrifying gold. Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air
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Mar 29, 2012 05:22
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From the past year: Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex This story seems to have come up more than any other on Literally Unbelievable. And one that has been posted online as an actual example of waste of taxpayers' money by people who don't know what The Onion is: New Study Shows People With Panic Disorders Respond Poorly To Being Locked In Underwater Elevators
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Mar 29, 2012 05:29
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My all-time favorite: poo poo Parking Ticket gently caress
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Mar 30, 2012 16:40
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Farbtoner posted:I've gotten more real-world mileage out of Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be than I care to admit. That one goes well with this one... I'm Not One Of Those 'Love Thy Neighbor' Christians
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Mar 30, 2012 16:50
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It's a more recent one, but I can't get through Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior without breaking into giggles.quote:Another section, credited to the department's Office of Surface Mining Reclamation and Enforcement, ranks the best places to engage in dry humping using a statistical "dry-pleasure coefficient," or DPE—a new metric the Department of the Interior developed solely for the report. The study indicates a soft couch in the finished basement of a mutual friend's house has the highest-known DPE, making it the top location for fully clothed teens to vigorously mount each other.
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Mar 30, 2012 16:55
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Farbtoner posted:I've gotten more real-world mileage out of Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be than I care to admit. The whole thing is great, but this just seals it - "Dad's great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head," said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. "He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn't even know that it guarantees universal health care."
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Mar 30, 2012 19:02
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Tempus Fugit posted:I also liked this one from this week's issue - --- My favorite for a while. Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To gently caress Up Every Time buglord has a new favorite as of 21:47 on Mar 31, 2012 |
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Mar 31, 2012 02:11
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My personal favourites are Area Baby Doesn't Have Any Friends and Man Lives In Futuristic Sci-Fi World Where All His Interactions Take Place In Cyberspace
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Mar 31, 2012 02:53
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More favorites, on a literary criticism theme: Novelist Has Whole lovely World Plotted Out Sci-Fi Writer Attributes Everything Mysterious To 'Quantum Flux'
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Mar 31, 2012 02:57
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Tempus Fugit posted:National funk congress deadlocked on get up/get down issue Similarly: Clinton Threatens To Drop Da Domb On Iraq 
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Mar 31, 2012 04:57
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a kitten posted:Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia Thinking back, this was probably the first Onion article I ever read
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Apr 1, 2012 01:10
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El Negocio posted:Similarly: Clinton Threatens To Drop Da Domb On Iraq I love that article. I've been known to tell people to "do that stuff like Mr Wiggles". They generally have no idea what I'm talking about 
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Apr 1, 2012 06:54
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crazylakerfan posted:Thinking back, this was probably the first Onion article I ever read Same here. First heard it on Car Talk of all things.
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Apr 1, 2012 18:27
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Brother Jonathan posted:More favorites, on a literary criticism theme: Man Just Going to Grab Guitar and Old Four-Track, Go Out to Cabin In Woods, Make Shittiest Album Anyone's Ever Heard
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Apr 2, 2012 14:30
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Totally Hot Chick Also Way Psycho
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Apr 2, 2012 14:50
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Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air The combination of the screaming, the mindless banter and the horrible medical CGI just gets me.
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Apr 2, 2012 15:03
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Cop Kills Own Partner, Vows To Track Self Down Still a favorite of mine.
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Apr 2, 2012 17:00
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Perky 'Canada' Has Own Government, Lawsquote:It’s Monday morning, and Toronto resident Steve Dorman shares a quick breakfast of “eggs” (a native food) with his “wife” (an officially state-sanctioned mate), and discusses yesterday’s poor showing by the hometown team in “baseball” (a popular local sport). After a kiss on his wife’s cheek, he hops on the “subway train” (a mode of subterranean transport) to the office.
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Apr 2, 2012 20:30
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Romney to Travel Back In Time to Kill Liberal Versions of Himself is a very nice new one.
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Apr 2, 2012 21:03
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SynthOrange posted:Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air Jesus, this is haunting.
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Apr 3, 2012 01:15
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Thin, Attractive Woman Accepted For Who She Is One of the first ones I remember reading.
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Apr 3, 2012 03:13
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Nation's Quadriplegics Immobilize On Washington In Support Of Stem-Cell Research Another happy/sad article.
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Apr 3, 2012 07:36
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For some reason, the horrific dog stories are hilarious:
And one dog story that's just cute: Nation's Dog Owners Demand To Know Who's A Good Boy
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Apr 3, 2012 08:04
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ultrafilter posted:Totally Hot Chick Also Way Psycho I've always been partial to Nation In Love With Girl From Record Store.
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Apr 3, 2012 10:41
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I posted this on Facebook: Department Of Education Study Finds Teaching These Little Shits No Longer Worth It It caused a total shitstorm discussion because my retarded friends were clueless about The Onion and took the article at face value. The first reply was "I knew it!"
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Apr 3, 2012 15:28
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Local Trailer Park Shatters No Stereotypes I'm particularly fond of the closing line, "What a shithole". If you've ever been to a trailer park, it's spot-on.
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Apr 3, 2012 20:06
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I really like this one Plan To Start Little Stationery Store Too Sad For Bank To Deny Loan
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Apr 3, 2012 20:39
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A classic: Boarding School Student Receives Wet William
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Apr 3, 2012 21:08
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My favorite is the Point/Counterpoint, If I See Doug, I'm Going To Kick His rear end vs. Apparently Doug Is A Better Fighter Than I Thought Also, I Have An iPod - In My Mind and Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook.
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Apr 3, 2012 22:29
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The first Onion article that I ever saw is still my favourite, and I haven't seen it posted yet. New study shows dolphins not so intelligent on land. The poorly shopped picture just make the article awesome.
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Apr 4, 2012 01:16
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Young Freud posted:Also, I Have An iPod - In My Mind and Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook. Apple Claims New iPhone Only Visible To Most Loyal Of Customers
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Apr 4, 2012 03:17
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Friend Whose Mom Just Died Allowed to Pick Pizza Topping
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Apr 4, 2012 22:51
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Brother Jonathan posted:I hadn't seen those. The Onion has great articles picking on Apple marketing: That is BRILLIANT.
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Apr 5, 2012 00:49
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It's cheap, but I love it anyway. Spaghetti-Os Discontinued as Franco-American Relations Break Down
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Apr 5, 2012 01:21
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An old favorite of mine: Nation's Porn Stars Demand To Be hosed Harder And another: Nation In Frenzy About Little Wizard Boy And All His Little Wizard Friends
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Apr 5, 2012 02:29
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Wikipedia Celebrates 750 Years Of American Independence
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Apr 5, 2012 06:32
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Y-Hat posted:Wikipedia Celebrates 750 Years Of American Independence That's one of my favorites, especially as Wikipedians get so defensive about such stuff.
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Apr 5, 2012 07:09
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