- a kitten
- Aug 5, 2006
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New Study Reveals: Babies Are Stupid
quote: LOS ANGELES--A surprising new study released Monday by UCLA's Institute For Child Development revealed that human babies, long thought by psychologists to be highly inquisitive and adaptable, are actually extraordinarily stupid.
The study, an 18-month battery of intelligence tests administered to over 3,500 babies, concluded categorically that babies are "so stupid, it's not even funny."
Just thinking about this one from Our Dumb Century has been known to give me the giggles.
Lastly, this one, which I can't even seem to find online.
Black Bear Attacks, Rapes Zookeeper
The Onion posted:
Black Bear Attacks, Rapes, Zookeeper
Grin and bear it! Barry, an 850 lb. black bear, got a little frisky
with zookeeper Ron Gilks. The anal rape is believed to be the first
inter-special coupling in Metro Zoo history.
Here's a little dog-bites-man tale we couldn't resist! Except
replace "dog" with "850-pound black bear"! And "bites" with "anally
violate"!
Yes, last Saturday a zookeeper at the Metropolitan Zoo had
"claws" for alarm when he was attacked and raped by the same black
bear he had raised from a cub! Geez, talk about gratitude!
"It was horrible, just horrible," sobbed an eyewitness. Guess
she sure got an eyeful!
The bear, named "Barry," attacked zookeeper Ron Gilks as Gilks
entered the cage to give him dinner. Barry lunged at his throat,
goring him with his huge claws and razor-sharp teeth. Some of the claw
marks were three-quarters of an inch deep. Ouch!
Then, astonished onlookers could "bearly" believe what happened
next--Barry began to brutally rape zookeeper Gilks!
Frantic zookeepers rushed for rifles as others tried to divert
the bear. But there was no stopping Barry! This bear kept "bearing
down," and Gilks just had to grin and "bear" it! Maybe Barry was
mistaking him for his "honey"!
Gilks was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital. A full quart
of bear semen was extracted from his ruptured chest cavity. And that's
no small Boo-Boo!
Barry's 27-inch phallus, armed with guard hairs as sharp as
red-hot needles, shot through Gilks' rectum, shattered his lower spine
and skewered his colon, causing his entire lower torso to "cave" in!
Yikes! Bet that wasn't the type of "cave" you had in mind when you
took up zookeeping, Mr. Gilks!
And can you imagine Gilks' surprise when Barry's putrid ursine
semen flooded his ruptured chest cavity? (By the way, Mr. Gilks,
whatever cologne you've been wearing, where can the public get some?)
Finally, zookeeper Eric Pulliam shot Barry with a tranquilizer
gun and pulled Gilks from the cage. The unconscious bear was later
destroyed. Hey, this "Yogi" made a major "Boo-Boo"!
"I have worked with dangerous animals before," zoo director Kate
Donegal said. "But never have I seen any animal sexually assault a
human being." "Barry"? Try "Scary"!
Meanwhile, Gilks was pronounced dead at an area hospital--but at
least he died grinning and bearing it! No doubt, this episode gives
new meaning to the term, "Do not feed the bears!" a kitten has a new favorite as of 05:32 on Mar 15, 2012
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- a kitten
- Aug 5, 2006
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Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
quote:Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."
The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's.
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