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DolphinCop posted:New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time is my absolute favorite. Duncan Birch owns  and this is the best Duncan videoReport: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked
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Mar 22, 2012 08:58
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From the week in review: Everyone Unaware How Much Freshman Doing Keg Stand Secretly Misses His Parentsquote:Everyone at a college party is unaware how much freshman Todd Wisman, currently in the middle of a kegstand, misses his parents, his home, and his friends. While Wisman appears excited, gorging on an excessive amount of alcohol, sources confirmed that nobody could tell that the 18 year old is completely oblivious to the voices chanting his name or the blaring music, because all he's truly thinking about is returning home for Thanksgiving, hugging his mother and father, sleeping in his own bed, and possibly transferring to a school closer to home. Reports indicate that mere seconds after the freshman returns to his dorm room, he will break down in tears while staring at a picture of his dog Caroline. 
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Aug 25, 2012 22:46
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I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environmentquote:This is unbelievable. A goddamned outrage, actually, is what it is. My daughter Lucy, my own flesh and blood, is bringing home this…this…black man in less than an hour. "Marlon" something or other, she tells me. Marlon! Well, I won't stand for it. As long as I have breath in my body, no daughter of mine will bring a black man into this house until I've cleaned it up a little, maybe picked up a good bottle of wine, and made drat sure I have everything I need to make him feel right at home.
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Sep 5, 2012 00:01
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How To Protect Your Children On Halloween, A.K.A. The Pedophiles' Christmas
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Oct 30, 2012 18:01
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ChocolateMoose posted:I love commentaries Along a similar vein, What Kind Of Sick gently caress Would Put A Hook In A Juicy Squid Where A Fish Could Easily Eat It? By A Yellowfin Tuna
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Nov 15, 2012 08:01
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I Didn't Install This Two-Way Motel-Room Mirror To Watch People Commit Suicide Commentaries are my favourite
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Dec 12, 2012 08:19
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It reminds me of one earlier this year where they put out this article in the morning and a shooting happened the same day Nation Celebrates Full Week Without Deadly Mass Shooting UPDATE: Never Mind Here is another one about today that sums up a lot: Report: It Okay To Spend Rest Of Day Curled In Fetal Position Under Desk
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Dec 14, 2012 22:54
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Jan 10, 2013 07:35
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Probably posted before, but the Dognitaries ones reminded me of my favourite pun artice: Bro, You're A God Among Bros and my favourite line from it:quote:You are the king of all bros. Brotankhamen. You are the Ayatollah Bromeini. You are Broseidon, lord of the brocean.
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Feb 2, 2013 03:37
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Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Arequote:"Our data strongly indicates that human intoxication does not transform an alligator into a docile creature that enjoys wrestling," said professor Ryder McCrory, chair of the Wildlife Taunting Department of LSU's prestigious Center For Bullying And Hazing Studies. "Despite its slow-witted demeanor and tendency to bask motionlessly in the hot sun, it's a mistake to believe that an alligator will passively tolerate a half nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it."
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Feb 19, 2013 05:19
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 Kelly
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Apr 16, 2013 02:44
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U.S. Offers PlatinumPlus Preferred Citizenshipquote:PlatinumPlus citizens—selected according to a number of demographic factors, including age, race and socio-economic status—will enjoy a wide variety of other benefits, including immunity from speeding tickets; separate, no-wait lines at over 50,000 post-office locations nationwide; and wider, more comfortable window seating. Oct 29, 1997
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Apr 23, 2013 02:12
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Jerry Manderbilt posted:New Super-Fast Transport System Powered By Passengers’ Screams Reminds me of New Anger-Powered Cars May Revolutionize The Way We Drive quote:"This bitch's bastard's whore went like a goddamn raped ape with me at the wheel," said Car And Driver's Brock Yates, who test-drove Daimler-Chrysler's Dodge Rammit pickup. "The vitriolic-assist brakes barely worked, the rear-view mirror found my bald spot every time, and the voice-response OnStar system mocked me for writing the script for Cannonball Run. I was getting 107 miles to the gallon when I T-boned that bus."
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Aug 14, 2013 06:06
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Google Shuts Down Gmail For Two Hours To Show Its Immense Power
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Aug 20, 2013 02:57
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The article right before this one was Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy 
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Oct 6, 2013 00:20
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Scientists Teach Sign Language To Gorilla-Suit-Wearing Man
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Oct 25, 2013 23:25
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Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus
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Jan 26, 2014 01:19
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Kumaton posted:I've always had a soft spot for the Sunday Magazines 
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Jun 3, 2014 04:02
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Did Onion quiletly kill off video stuff like In The Know? That was the best video series Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked Should We Be Doing More To Reduce The Graphic Violence In Our Dreams? Is Pundit Duncan Birch A Worthless Idiot? Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes And the best one, New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers fits has a new favorite as of 01:34 on Jun 21, 2014 |
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Jun 21, 2014 01:27
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Shimrra Jamaane posted:The Onion's coverage of current events such as the St Louis murder and the war in Gaza aren't actually satire though. Report: 79% Of Minority Suspects Receive Miranda Rights While Unconscious
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Aug 23, 2014 15:56
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We're fast approaching The Onion's predicted future of iPhones Apple Claims New iPhone Only Visible To Most Loyal Of Customers
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Sep 10, 2014 17:06
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http://www.clickhole.com/article/these-are-greatest-movie-speeches-all-time-1842
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Feb 3, 2015 06:09
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Dale Sveum posted:I would try pretty hard to save you from a witch. I know it was you who caused the Challenger explosion! 
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Feb 14, 2015 05:14
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quote:Wow, you’re a little cock, aren’t you? If everything isn’t perfect for Mr. Dickhouse, you just throw a poo poo fit. You sniveling piece of human garbage, you can’t see outside your own goddamn taint house to care about anyone but you. We tried, we apologized, and we’re done groveling to the likes of a sweat drinker like you. Submit the loving form if you want.
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Mar 6, 2015 01:04
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Apr 28, 2015 05:10
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Pretty Lady Blob posted:Sex House was a wild ride beginning to end. And since we're doing Onion nostalgia I love In the Know. In The Know: Is Pundit Duncan Birch A Worthless Idiot? e: in the know was the best Should We Be Doing More To Reduce The Graphic Violence In Our Dreams?
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Aug 6, 2015 03:43
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Evil Mastermind posted:Whelp, time to dust this one off again: They put out an updated version, too http://www.theonion.com/article/no-way-prevent-says-only-nation-where-regularly-ha-51444
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Oct 1, 2015 23:50
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clockworx posted:I will never tire of The Onion taking on the American workplace Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box
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Dec 16, 2015 20:39
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Mar 14, 2016 23:33
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Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior
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Jun 11, 2016 01:58
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Oct 3, 2016 22:29
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Within The Walls Of This Suburban Polling Place, I Am God
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Nov 8, 2016 23:05
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Nov 21, 2016 23:28
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I Used To Be Pro-Obamacare. Then It Saved My lovely Life.
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Apr 1, 2017 04:32
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Firebrand John McCain Demands Immediate Investigation Into Why He Remaining Complicit
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May 17, 2017 04:26
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Obama Sends Publisher Collection Of Pages For Presidential Graphic Novel 
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Jun 9, 2017 20:53
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Robert Denby posted:Report: 87% Of U.S. Women Achieve Orgasm When Fantasizing About Gorton’s Fisherman Study: Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else
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Jun 9, 2017 23:04
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Habitat For Humanity Investigated For Working Conditions After 92-Year-Old Laborer Collapses On Site
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Jul 15, 2017 05:12
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Master Diplomat: Pundits Have Noted Similarities Between Trump’s N. Korea Statements And JFK’s Iconic ‘Prepare To Be Radioactive Skeletons, Motherfuckers’ Speech That De-escalated The Cuban Missile Crisis quote:JFK knew that he had to deliver a precise, carefully crafted message to peacefully end the standoff, so he went on national television and vowed to “wipe Cuba off the goddamn map with a hellfire tsunami that’ll char Havana into a glowing ash heap” and “turn every last Cuban man, woman, child, and pet dog into a red-hot screaming skeleton, you better loving believe it.” Firm and calm in his delivery, he went on to say that after he bombed Cuba he would “pay a personal visit to the smoldering rubble to piss all over Fidel’s corpse and plant an American flag in his empty eye socket” and then “nuke the junk-rear end country all over again just for shits and giggles.” onion has been recently
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Aug 10, 2017 04:27
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Feminists Don’t Want To Admit It, But It’s Actually Biological Gender Differences That Keep Women From Succeeding In My Meticulously Engineered Mega-Labyrinth
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Aug 11, 2017 19:59
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