PYF The Onion story

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muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Got a pretty big laugh out of this one today:

"TV Listings"

quote:

Major League Baseball

FOX

1 p.m. EDT/12 p.m. CDT

Tune in to see what secrets are revealed as baseball begins its thrilling final season.

# ¿ Apr 13, 2012 23:07

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# ¿ May 5, 2024 12:27

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Followed a link from that one and found this story.

"From The Beaches Of Normandy To The Streets Of Paris, My Platoon Was A Bunch Of Pussies"

quote:

Like many good men my age, I was in the Big One, and I can tell you firsthand that war is hell. It's day after horrifying day of your worst fears come true. And when it came time to face those fears and be men, I could always count on my fellow leathernecks in the 202nd, without fail, to knuckle under and scatter like frightened little children.

You know, people like to throw the term "hero" around a lot when they talk about my generation. But I don't believe the men of the 202nd were heroes. No sir. The heroes were the ones who didn't stay curled up in their foxholes sucking their thumbs or jamming their fingers in their ears. The heroes were the ones who refused to pledge their complete and unwavering allegiance to Hitler the moment the enemy was in earshot. The heroes were the ones who didn't pretend to be dead for hours and sometimes days after a battle had been decided.

Those were the real heroes.

I don't know if it was fate or coincidence that brought us together, but I can say I served with 39 of the most craven, gutless pussies you ever laid eyes on�every last one of them quicker to cry than a colicky newborn. By God, there wasn't a major battle in the European Theater we didn't flee from like a flock of spooked pigeons. Even "Old Blood and Guts" Patton himself said we were the biggest bunch of lily-livered pisspants ever to disgrace the U.S. Armed Forces, and that's no exaggeration.

Yes, everyone knew our platoon. The Scamperin' Squirrels, they called us. Our girlish, high-pitched screams gave courage to Jerry from Nice to Luxembourg. "That's the Squirrels," the Krauts would yell, and they knew they didn't have a chance in hell of sustaining any losses.

I remember the Battle of the Bulge like it was yesterday: All us young men shoving one another out of the way, tripping over the wounded and dead with our white flags flapping in the frigid winter wind. Those images will be with me forever, even though I was blinded by tears most of the times I dared to open my eyes. We eventually surrendered to a confused Ardennes dairy farmer at the end of that first terrifying day. Boy, you should have seen the look on his face.

But hell, who didn't we surrender to? The enemy, the Allies, each other, it made no difference. One Panzer division refused to take us prisoner out of pure disgust. Can't say I blame 'em, really. We would drop our weapons at the first sound of tanks, planes, jeeps, horses, thunder, or almost any kind of shouting. I don't think I fired that damned gun more than once. None of us did. To be honest, we weren't too partial to loud, sudden noises.

And Normandy. Let's not forget Normandy. We were there, too. If you look closely at some of those old photos, you can just make out our Higgins Amphibious bobbing on the horizon, speeding away from Omaha Beach as fast as we dared until we were forced to turn around because of seasickness and a terrible fear of sharks. We eventually stormed a secluded little cove and waited it out until we were certain we could timidly skulk unseen through the streets of Paris.

No such luck, as it turned out. We were over a week late and the grateful Parisians still showered us with flowers while we cowered in the middle of the Champs-�lys�es. I've never been so scared in my entire life, pinned down by that ceaseless barrage of daffodils. I'll always remember what my best buddy, Jimmy Conroy, said to me that day, a single tear�the first of many, many more�rolling down his cheek. "We ain't gonna die here, Phil," he said. "We're going to die old men."

And he was right.

Say what you will about the Squirrels, but every last one of us survived the war. We even got Purple Hearts, though there was some curiosity about how every member of a 40-man platoon could get shot in the foot on the same day in an Allied barrack 200 miles from the front lines.

There may be little talk about our part in the Second World War, but we secured our place in history as the most yellow-bellied, spineless members of the Greatest Generation that ever was.

# ¿ Apr 13, 2012 23:16

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

They work pretty fast sometimes.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

# ¿ Jun 6, 2012 20:03

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

ultrafilter posted:

This is too perfect: Area Man Leaving Father-Daughter Dance With Different Girl Than He Came With

I was actually going to use that as an example of something that's been bugging me about The Onion lately. On their sidebar "Newswire" you can't tell what stuff is just headlines and what's a story or even just a blurb.

# ¿ Jun 8, 2012 19:17

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Oh man, this is a good one:
Hungary's Szilagyi Pulls Off Upset In�Christ, One More Week Of This?

"As of press time, an imponderable number of forgettable accomplishments, flat jubilation, insipid comments, and bland observations are slated to recur countless times during the unfathomable abyss of Olympic events scheduled for the next seven goddamn miserable cock-sucking assholes days."

# ¿ Aug 3, 2012 19:34

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Mura posted:

Newborn Loses Faith in Humanity After Record 6 Days

Aaaaaaand we're right back into the darkness.

Jesus Christ, that last line is probably the worst (as in horrible) thing they've ever written.

# ¿ Sep 17, 2012 20:58

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Jesus Christ

48 Syrian Civilians Massacred During Claire Danes' Emmy Award Acceptance Speech

The rest of the article is just as dark as that headline.

# ¿ Sep 24, 2012 22:52

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Here's a couple of articles that are only funny because they were put up around the same time:
Top Quotes of 2012
Top Quotes of '2012'

# ¿ Dec 18, 2012 20:44

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

They definitely use their own American Voices pictures because they updated them not too long ago.

# ¿ Dec 30, 2012 16:28

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

The American Dream posted:

Wow, 3 for the older sister and 1 for the younger. Is Davenport a hot bead of fundamentalist christians?

I think someone on The Onion's staff is just from the area as they've done a couple of stories set there before.

# ¿ Jan 28, 2013 21:32

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Sweating Obama Admits Drone Strikes Have Been Happening On Their Own

# ¿ Feb 8, 2013 22:04

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

More fun brutality from The Onion.

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

"July 1993: Wins $2,000,000 bet that his father would be murdered at a rest area"

# ¿ Feb 18, 2013 21:13

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

An often overlooked source of funny stuff is the AV Club Newswire. For example today in an article about some Bruce Lee movie that is purposefully historically inaccurate:

quote:

�Stephen Rivele and Chris Wilkinson have taken a little-known chapter in the life of Bruce Lee and used it as a jumping-off point for a bold, exciting story about the making of an international legend,� said producer Michael London in a statement, before his own story suddenly got much bolder and way more exciting after he turned into a werewolf, slaughtered a half-dozen people in Central Park, then was driven by an angry mob to seek refuge in a hidden sea cave. It was there that, after years of lonely seclusion, in which he was forced to imagine buddy-cop stories using the fragments of coral that washed up on the shoreline, producer-turned-werewolf Michael London eventually met and fell in love with a mermaid.

�But my darling, when the moon is full, our mer-wolf children will surely drown trying to devour their own tails,� were-producer Michael London told his mermaid bride one day, years after his monstrous transformation had rendered him unable to make up a bunch of poo poo about Bruce Lee�s life. �Hush now, dear,� Michael London�s mermaid wife said, slapping him with her fins in a soothing way she knew he liked. Then producer Michael London began to make gentle love to her fish-hole.

# ¿ Feb 20, 2013 00:09

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Brother Jonathan posted:

The latest Kelly:

It figures that he would be one of those assholes that grab fistfuls of coins from the penny tray.

The best Kellys are the ones that aren't political and him just drawing about something that annoys him in his daily life. Like this one or the one about him complaining video rental places don't carry tapes anymore.

# ¿ Feb 22, 2013 13:01

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

I get the joke they were trying to make but that might have gone a little too far.

# ¿ Feb 25, 2013 17:53

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

The tweet was:
"Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhan� Wallis is kind of a oval office, right?"

# ¿ Feb 25, 2013 18:08

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Spikey posted:

I am part of the 99% in this article.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/poll-99-of-human-beings-would-prefer-big-slobbery,31537/

Ahaha, that ending.

Also just a head's up but one of the pieces they put up today has some NWS images in it. I won't say which one because it gives away the punchline but be forewarned.

# ¿ Mar 6, 2013 21:27

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

The end of the "Gunman" saga is pretty funny.

# ¿ Mar 8, 2013 01:21

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

I got a big laugh out of this one:
'That Seems About Right,' Says Soon-To-Be-Audited Man

# ¿ Apr 2, 2013 19:44

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

The Onion has really been hammering Obama on the Syria front.

# ¿ Apr 8, 2013 20:25

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

There's also:
Alien World To Help Out Syria Since This One Refuses To

# ¿ Apr 8, 2013 21:05

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Yeah, I had to double check that when I found it.

# ¿ Apr 8, 2013 21:16

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

http://www.theonion.com/articles/74-normal-photos-and-2-kinda-weird-ones,32244/

This one is fun just because of how literal the name/content is.

# ¿ Apr 30, 2013 01:12

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

While The AV Club is the "serious" part of The Onion the news part is worth reading because Sean O'Neal is really funny.

# ¿ May 21, 2013 00:45

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Shimrra Jamaane posted:

Not as embarrassed as this model must feel.

Dead Teenager Remembered for Great Hand Jobs

My favorite part of the article is this line:
"Belzer, a passenger in the single-car accident, was killed when driver Keith Foley, who survived the wreck with only minor injuries, became distracted and lost control of the vehicle. Belzer was not wearing a seat belt at the time."

# ¿ Aug 15, 2013 00:21

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

This one is just them being kind of goofy, James Fenimore Cooper, Famed American Novelist, Dies At 224

# ¿ Sep 27, 2013 20:39

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Somebody probably had a lot of fun in the Holiday Gift Guide making up fake Clint Eastwood movie titles.

quote:

Other titles in set include: The Ranch Hand, The Rider With No Name, Quick-Draw Johnny, Deadman Flats, Prickly Creek, Spurs And Saddle, The Horse Rider, Western Riders, Go West Young Rider, Shoot �Er Here, Shoot �Er There, The Horse Shooter, The Dust Shooter, The Cowboy Shooter, Tumbleweed, The Six-Gun Man, The Six-Gun Man Rides Again, The Six-Gun Man Returns: Day Of Reckoning, The Man From El Paso, The Man From Dodge, The Man From Sioux City, The Man From Tombstone, The Man From El Dorado, Wanted Gun Man, Texarkana!, Ghost Town 2, Pistolslinger, The Solo Ranger, Hell Canyon In-Laws, Saddle Pals, Dakota Rifle, Barn, Gun The Woman Down, Wild Wet West, The Secret Of Rifle Ridge, The Guns Of Fort Gunnington, Mr. Sheriff, Gun For Loan, Once Upon A Gun, Outlaw's Second Cousin, Cowbert, Dial �W� For Western, Butch Cassidy Meets The Wolf Man, The Lonesome Inn Keep, Horse-Riding Stranger, Really Bad Day At Black Rock, Ambush At Hell's Crossroads, The Hootenanny Massacre, The Big Cowboy, Blood Canyon, Pistol-Using Gentlemen, A Minute To Pray, A Second To Die For Mankind�s Sins, Return Of The Stranger, Are You There God? It�s Me, The Gunfighter, Shallow Grave, A Payment In Dust, Billy The Cripple Kid, Blood For A Sand Dollar, Beautiful Gunset, Ride Into The Wind, Skedaddle!, The Gentle Cattleman, The Gentle Cattleman Fights Back, The Gentle Cattleman�s Son, Howdy, Gunfire At Christmas Canyon, Christmas At Hell's Ridge, Birthday Cowboy, Dead Horse Oxbow Desperado Gulch Canyon, There�s A New Cheryl In Town, Aw Shucks, and Horsey!

# ¿ Dec 13, 2013 20:51

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

R. Mute posted:

Boring piece of poo poo has no opinions about anything
_{Claims he's 'waiting for more information' out of fear his internet judgement would be unfair to killer of four.}

Actually, finding out more about the case just makes the douchebag kid look worse. Like how he got drunk, him and his friends stole the beer from a convenience store.

# ¿ Dec 14, 2013 03:39

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

I think my favorite is "Beautiful Gunset." Although the escalating sequel ones are funny too.

# ¿ Dec 14, 2013 05:39

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Woman Shows Hairstylist Example of Haircut She Wants

# ¿ Jan 21, 2014 19:14

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

zoux posted:

Wasn't he behind the whole Santorum google bomb?

Yeah, he's hated Santorum for a long time and tried to champion using his name as a term for anal sex "backwash."

# ¿ Mar 20, 2014 23:12

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

The Gluten free guide is pretty great "Above all, remember to stock up on money, as staying gluten-free requires a diet rich in supplemental income."

# ¿ Apr 24, 2014 19:50

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Mike the TV posted:

Should Obama Blow The Silver Horn The Founding Fathers Left In Case The Country Ever Needed Them?

Oh man "We would torture them if we have to."

# ¿ May 13, 2014 19:58

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Yip Yips posted:

Ugh

Christ, Article a Video

This is a fun one because yes, I've had exactly that reaction.

# ¿ May 23, 2014 22:07

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

That website is letting them put out some really weird content. Like http://www.clickhole.com/article/8-touching-pics-celebrities-and-their-dads-279

# ¿ Jun 12, 2014 20:59

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Which Mad Men Character Are You? quiz is pretty great.

# ¿ Jun 16, 2014 23:03

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

ElectricWizard posted:

So I guess the Calvin and Hobbes video was removed. I'm, uh, glad to catch it before it disappeared.

Probably one of those ones where its a funny joke (like the Oscar tweet calling Quvenzhan� Wallis a oval office) but was just a little too over the line.

# ¿ Jun 19, 2014 00:05

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Man Failing To Heed Harsh Lessons Of Past Orders Sonic Bacon Cheeseburger Toaster

# ¿ Jul 11, 2014 20:01

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Hello Sailor posted:

Clickhole Video: You Can Write Whatever You Want On A Baby...And Here�s The Proof.

Whoever is behind Clickhole sure is weird.

# ¿ Jul 21, 2014 22:41

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# ¿ May 5, 2024 12:27

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

http://www.clickhole.com/article/9-celebrities-you-never-knew-had-plastic-surgery-a-572

This has a pretty fun ending.

# ¿ Jul 30, 2014 20:07

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