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Looking for your best examples of poo poo that didn't happen. The best ones that I have found are usually variations of:
Also acceptable formats besides text include .png and .jpg. quote:so i was browsing craigslist looking for jobs and from time to time i click on the casual encounters or women seeking men just to see whats up there. most times its bullshit or a scam but one in particular caught my attention. it was a picture of a black girl with a beautiful body. i emailed her saying something sarcastic not thinking anything of it. a week later she emails me saying she was interested and wanted to meet up. we skype to make sure she likes me and i like her. this girl is loving gorgeous, nice rear end, great tits, small waist. I was very hesitant thinking she was going to bring someone and try to rob me but curiosity got the best of me. i went to pick her up at some random location near her house and we went out to lunch. we were there for all of 10 minutes before she said it was time to go back to my house. we went back and hosed for hours multiple times. she initially said she doesnt give bjs but she ended up blowing me too. i never did anything like this but it was amazing. it was the quintessential NSA. even towards the end of the meeting I had my doubts that something awful was going to happen. However, to my surprise a beautiful girl just wanted to be hosed and nothing else. quote:*Man walks into a store and finds employee* quote:Where i work we’re right on the shore of the bay, and theres a pile of rocks outside of a fence to where our cooling water pumps take suction. A woman from a cost-cutting consultant firm wanted to climb down the rocks to get a better view of the pump suction (how this would cut costs is beyond me, so i can only assume for curiosity). My father (who also works where i do) was touring her around the plant.
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Aug 12, 2012 17:47
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| # ? May 3, 2024 22:18 |
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Someone post that "Everyone in the movie theater stood up and clapped" post some goon made. I don't have it, but it's basically the essence of shitthatdidnthappen.txt to me.
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Aug 12, 2012 17:50
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AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. EST I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ...isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again. After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through soome of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi, Alex
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Aug 12, 2012 18:01
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Requesting the STDH.txt of the guy from TVTropes getting an entire cathedral to sing  .
Grape Juice Vampire has a new favorite as of 04:09 on Aug 13, 2012 |
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Aug 12, 2012 18:03
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Pretty much any story my older brother told me as a kid. Finding out the truth later hurt 
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Aug 12, 2012 18:05
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Thread title instantly reminded me of Brandon St. Germaine, AKA BSG, the dwarf slam poet who changed many a lives with his childlike way of thinking. Everyone of his stories ended with the other people in the story telling BSG what a smart funny and awesome guy he is. http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2606328&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1quote:“Thank you.” quote:“That is the most pathetic criminal I have ever seen in my 20 years of being a cop. I will always remember the little dwarf knight who spent a half an hour detaining a man for property that wasn’t even his own.” quote:“You are lucky you’re not dead. A 20 pound steel piece of rebar hit you from 30 feet in the air. This amount of force would have skewered any other human being. You, however, are exceptional.” quote:“I’m sorry.” quote:
quote:
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Aug 12, 2012 18:37
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Every time a goon claims that when he was a small child, he thought black people were made of chocolate.
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Aug 12, 2012 18:43
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Iceberg-Slim posted:
Why would you tell someone off for this? That's what it's for. I mean, EBT, that's food stamps, right?
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Aug 12, 2012 18:49
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Senior Woodchuck posted:Why would you tell someone off for this? That's what it's for. I mean, EBT, that's food stamps, right? You would not believe how red-faced angry some people get at the prospect of people buying steak or shrimp or basically anything that isn't meal bugs and preserved horse pussy) on food stamps .
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Aug 12, 2012 18:53
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Senior Woodchuck posted:Why would you tell someone off for this? That's what it's for. I mean, EBT, that's food stamps, right? I assume he meant the 'wrong' types of groceries. There are countless examples of people getting righteously outraged at some poor person using EBT to buy anything better than the lowest grade meat and Wonderbread. And god forbid they buy a candy bar for their kid, holy poo poo you will never ever hear the end of it because obviously those poors are living the high life on their tax dollars. 
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Aug 12, 2012 18:54
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Senior Woodchuck posted:Why would you tell someone off for this? That's what it's for. I mean, EBT, that's food stamps, right? quote:Where I live, I play a game at the supermarket.
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Aug 12, 2012 18:56
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Mr. Pumroy posted:Someone post that "Everyone in the movie theater stood up and clapped" post some goon made. I don't have it, but it's basically the essence of shitthatdidnthappen.txt to me. Is this the one you are on about? Mister Glockwork posted:I saw Ghostrider with a bunch of my friends on opening night just to heckle it. We even held a contest to see who could throw out the best heckle. Falstaffs Honor posted:I don't think this story is true, because I doubt most of the audience was familiar with internet videos about Wicker Man. Factor Mystic posted:BUT IT WAS A MST3K RIFF FEST I TELL YOU FitFortDanga posted:When I went to see Schindler's List, the first time Amon Goeth appears onscreen, I shouted out "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!" and the whole audience cheered and asked for my autograph. It was awesome. Adrianics posted:Just like that time I went to see Atonement and when that faggy guy with the stupid moustache gave the chocolate to that kid I yelled 'YOU GONNA GET RAPED' and I swear that the audience was laughing so hard they had to stop the film for a few minutes Zach Hoagie posted:When I watched No Country for Old Men I yelled out "ADDITIONAL PYLONS" then Jesus came from heaven itself to give me a high-five and all the women in the audience formed a line to blow me. jdwalsh posted:Haha, yes. When I watched [POPULAR MOVIE] I yelled out [OBSCURE INTERNET MEME] and [POSITIVE FEEDBACK FROM AUDIENCE] Falstaffs Honor posted:This one time, I saw Meet the Spartans and I said "hey that's not funny" and the audience sacrificed a heifer in my honor
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Aug 12, 2012 19:00
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Also to keep in mind: All references in these .txts to rims, Cadillacs, iphones, gold chains, urbans, thugs, welfare queens, hoochy mamas, and more are always, without exception, dog whistle racism.
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Aug 12, 2012 19:03
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From r/atheism. A 15 year old kid rejects religion so his parents send him to a camp. This is the story of how he escaped.quote:I hate those prisons. I truly hate them. I'm really sorry you had to go through what I went... I guess I'll share my story, and hopefuly I'll make some people realize that these camps are... more than evil.
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Aug 12, 2012 19:17
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This troper took a few levels when, after years of being a Woobie so pitiful Shinji would say what the heck is wrong with you, I had enough of a girl I liked always going for this tall, blond guy. When they were talking right in front of me in the street and holding arms and talking and all that, I said, "Shut. The. Hell. Up." The boy looks around and walks over, trying to look menacing. Martial arts studies come in. I take a punch to the forehead and then slide under and punch him in the stomach, he goes backwards and I land another one to his face. I then go berserk and full body tackle him. He managed to crawl away, and say, "That kid...is inhuman!"
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Aug 12, 2012 19:42
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Dyrejb posted:Is this the one you are on about? Yes that's it, thank you. Still funny. GBS was full of threads with nerds hulking out at movie theaters and showing everyone how awesome they were. I distinctly remember one thread where a goon threw somebody' cellphone up onto the theater roof after the movie ended. Reason You Suck Speech posted:This Troper gave a very nasty one that was merged with a Hannibal Lecture to a bully Jerk Jock type. It can be summed up as, "I really do pity you. . .or at least I try to. . . . You are just an empty fool who tries to erase his fear that he might not get a football scholarship by bullying those lesser than him. I continue these "geeky" behaviors because they let me form at least a core of my personality. You. . .you have nothing any more other than to try to fill your empty core up with the fear of others while watching that perfect six pack decay from one too many beers." He cried and ran away, having been emotionally dissected. Mr. Pumroy has a new favorite as of 20:01 on Aug 12, 2012 |
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Aug 12, 2012 19:56
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Hot Sauce Batman posted:From r/atheism. A 15 year old kid rejects religion so his parents send him to a camp. This is the story of how he escaped. This is amazing. You have a link for the original post?
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Aug 12, 2012 21:15
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Mr. Pumroy posted:
Troper Tales is the Platonic Form of "poo poo that didn't happen.txt", so I'd expect to see a lot of it anyway. If someone could get the Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah story in here, that'd be great. I love it, because it's actually a song about fuckin'. Well, a bad breakup and fuckin', but still. Grape Juice Vampire posted:Requesting the STDH.txt of the guy from TVTropes getting an entire cathedral to sing Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah". It was so magically It's not a Jeff Buckley song. He just covered it. 
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Aug 12, 2012 21:20
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Iceberg-Slim posted:*Man walks into a store and finds employee* Derail, but nobody ever tried to claim this happened - this was from a post where somebody applied the "friend zone" logic to other aspects of life.
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Aug 12, 2012 21:27
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Travis343 posted:Derail, but nobody ever tried to claim this happened - this was from a post where somebody applied the "friend zone" logic to other aspects of life. Oh, didn't see it in its original context apparently. I'll chalk that miss up to abyss-staring.
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Aug 12, 2012 21:36
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"...but if semen is composed of so much sugar, why does it taste so salty?"
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Aug 12, 2012 21:42
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That guy who ate enough LSD to legally make you insane and now he thinks he's an orange and if you touch him he'll turn into orange juice (is it .txt if it's something that's appeared in print/a common card among compulsive liars?)
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Aug 12, 2012 21:52
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quote:This anonymous troper took a level in badass between sixth and seventh grade. Sixth grade? I was teased, hated by pretty much everyone, driven to tears at times. You know, the usual. I did however plant the seeds for my upgrade. I was already tall, handsome, strong, and smart. So the next year comes around, and early on I'm already getting some form of respect. When I tried out for wrestling is when I really got noticed. Among my team, I was easily one of the best, even though I was just a rookie, I was good at other sports too, even though I didn't have time to try out for the teams, and I was aware that there were plenty girls crushing on me. I just didn't have time for them either. It went as far as people claiming that I could beat THEM in a fight. Black people. That's serious. black people
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Aug 12, 2012 22:36
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redmercer posted:That guy who ate enough LSD to legally make you insane and now he thinks he's an orange and if you touch him he'll turn into orange juice (is it .txt if it's something that's appeared in print/a common card among compulsive liars?) Reminds me of this old thread http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3302518&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1 Goth Nurse posted:Some other facility, years back. There was a woman, early twenties. Had a bad trip and never got out from it. Thought she was an orange or similar, and tried to peel herself. This has been going around in the net, but I have witnessed this myself.
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Aug 12, 2012 22:43
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Also my mom only lets me spend five bucks a month to get my cool gaga avatars back so I guess I'm stuck with this one for a while.
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redmercer posted:That guy who ate enough LSD to legally make you insane and now he thinks he's an orange and if you touch him he'll turn into orange juice (is it .txt if it's something that's appeared in print/a common card among compulsive liars?) No, no, he's a glass of orange juice and now all day he just sits there in the corner of the room afraid to move because if he does he'll spill himself and die. He shares a room with the guy who gets mushroom flashbacks so he's legally not allowed to drive anymore.
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Aug 12, 2012 22:46
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Covered In Bees posted:Every time a goon claims that when he was a small child, he thought black people were made of chocolate. My mother likes to tell the story of when I was caught sucking on a black girl's finger when I was little, because I thought she was made of chocolate. I honestly have no recollection of it but I'm not sure why she'd make it up either. For content, something I found on reddit before I abandoned that shithole: quote:The story starts that I was supposed to meet friend 1 at his house when friend 2 arrived at friend 1's house. Well, friend 1 calls and says friend 2 hasn't shown up yet, and being an hour late, he was worried. I just said friend 2 was a always late, and to think nothing of it. Friend 1 calls back 10 minutes later saying he got a call from the police, and that friend 2 was in a serious car wreck and was being taken to the hospital. So friend 1 and I head on to the hospital and find friend 2 in the emergency room. When we arrived, the doctor was happy to see us. Apparently, friend 2 was causing some trouble, as he had hit his head really good and lost all short term memory. Doctor told us to keep talking to him, and to keep him on the bed. Well.. friend 2 asked what had happened to him, so we told him that he had been in a bad car wreck and was at the hospital. About 2 minutes passed, and he asked the same question again.. and then 2 minutes later, again. This was starting to get annoying, and it became clear that this was why the workers were glad to pawn him off on us. So, we decided to have some fun. Sure enough, 2 minutes later, friend 2 asks "Guys, what happened? where am i?" which we replied, "Friend 2, you've been in a serious car wreck and you're paralyzed from the neck down." Friend 2 starts screaming, sad he is paralyzed until he realizes he wasn't. 2 minutes later, "Hey guys, what happened? Where am I?" "You've been in a coma for 2 years. You just came out of it after some guy was caught raping you in the coma ward. They had to stitch your butthole back together. It's in the shape of a star now. " or "You and your boyfriend were in a bad car wreck.." "You've lost your penis..." "Zombie Apocalypse.." "Nuclear Bomb went off.. all doctors killed. I'll be your surgeon today (Snaps gloves)" and many many more... Sadly, the time between his memory wipes started increasing.. and we were asked to leave after we let him pee in some jug. Fun times. Better that he doesn't remember us doing it.
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Aug 12, 2012 22:58
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Mr. Pumroy posted:Yes that's it, thank you. Still funny. GBS was full of threads with nerds hulking out at movie theaters and showing everyone how awesome they were. I distinctly remember one thread where a goon threw somebody' cellphone up onto the theater roof after the movie ended. One of the first threads I ever read here was when 300 was released, somebody said that some fat lesbians in front of them were complaining about how politically incorrect the film was and when it ended he shouted "THIS IS SPARTA!" and kicked one of the women down the stairs and everyone started clapping. Also, not to self-promote but this exchange was wonderful. Dr Christmas posted:"...but if semen is composed of so much sugar, why does it taste so salty?" My favorite shitthatdidnthappen.txt are all those glurges about evil liberal college professors being upstaged by their students, especially if the military is involved. An e-mail from Grandma posted:A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU. redmercer posted:That guy who ate enough LSD to legally make you insane and now he thinks he's an orange and if you touch him he'll turn into orange juice (is it .txt if it's something that's appeared in print/a common card among compulsive liars?) He shares a wing with everyone that took more than 6 hits of acid and was instantly declared legally insane.
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Aug 12, 2012 23:26
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Bad Bromance posted:Reminds me of this old thread I feel so bad for her in that thread. All she wanted to do was share some stories (though, I will concede, the arguments that she produced didn't hold up well) and everyone just pretty much attacked her for being a "goth poser", or whatever. I'm kind of disappointed that people didn't give her a chance because a thread like that would most likely come out with some pretty interesting stories.
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Aug 12, 2012 23:39
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Farbtoner posted:
The students probably looked shocked and stunned beacuse this loving psycho over reacted and punched out his professor for making a mildly obnoxious comment. Even if you do agree, in what world is it ok for a professional solider to punch a civilian who did nothing to him? DrManiac has a new favorite as of 23:50 on Aug 12, 2012 |
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Aug 12, 2012 23:45
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DrManiac posted:Even if you do agree, in what world is it ok for a professional solider to punch a civilian who did nothing to him? 
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Aug 13, 2012 00:02
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Tracula posted:This is amazing. You have a link for the original post? He deleted it from reddit, so I had to pull it off another forum that quoted it. The original thread is here.
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Aug 13, 2012 00:09
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Angry Bee Dance was easily the high point of Helldump. Every story he told propelled him to new heights of unbelievability.
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Aug 13, 2012 03:13
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DrManiac posted:The students probably looked shocked and stunned beacuse this loving psycho over reacted and punched out his professor for making a mildly obnoxious comment. And that soldier's name was Albert Einstein.
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Aug 13, 2012 03:14
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Dr_Amazing posted:Albert Einstein. I've seen the genesis of most of the elements of forwarded emails, except for this one, and it's been bugging me. What was the first unironic use of Einstein in a mass forwarded e-mail?
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Aug 13, 2012 03:23
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Grape Juice Vampire posted:Requesting the STDH.txt of the guy from TVTropes getting an entire cathedral to sing Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah". It was so magically I second that request out of morbid curiosity, and in fact I'm preemptively angry about it, because in what world do a cathedral's worth of Catholics join in a very explicit, very Jewish song comparing the end of a tumultuous relationship to David's apostacy? Kavak posted:I've seen the genesis of most of the elements of forwarded emails, except for this one, and it's been bugging me. What was the first unironic use of Einstein in a mass forwarded e-mail? Wasn't it a story about a mother in terrible conditions deciding not to abort her baby, and it turns out that the baby was...
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Aug 13, 2012 03:27
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Kavak posted:I've seen the genesis of most of the elements of forwarded emails, except for this one, and it's been bugging me. What was the first unironic use of Einstein in a mass forwarded e-mail? The one I know it from is where the student says that we can't be certain the professor has a brain as we can't see it. So atheists have to assume he doesn't have one. There's also a long part comparing cold being an absence of heat and dark being an absence of light to evil being a lack of good or something. In the end the student was Einstein.
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Aug 13, 2012 03:42
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This thread is kind of a clusterfuck (warning: reddit)
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Aug 13, 2012 03:48
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Grape Juice Vampire posted:Requesting the STDH.txt of the guy from TVTropes getting an entire cathedral to sing Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah". It was so magically Leonard Cohen.
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Aug 13, 2012 03:49
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I suspect 'and that X... was Albert Einstein' predates emails, seeing as chain poo poo has existed forever and Einstein has been the go-to smart guy for a long time. The first one I remember seeing, at any rate, was this one: (e - I see Dr_Amazing has already mentioned it)quote:A University professor at a well known institution of higher learning challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that exists?" I guess universities in Germany in the late-19th/early-20th century were GODLESS LIBERAL INDOCTRINATION FACILITIES too. (Also don't tell anyone Einstein was a jew who lost his faith. Or a socialist.) (Incidentally, my favourite part about the 'marine punches out professor' story is this idea that a professor, giving a lecture as part of a class the students are presumably paying for, walked in and spent his first 10-15 minutes taunting god. And that this was so startling it reduced an entire class to shocked silence for the entire time.) Mr. Pumroy posted:I'd hate to turn this into a troper tales thread but I can't not post this. The worst part is I actually imagine these stories are more-or-less true, they just neglect the part where the Jerk Jock looks at This Troper puzzled for a few moments after his sputtering Hannibal Lecture before calling him a 'human being' and kicking him in the crotch. Therein This Troper is given a harsh lesson they spend the rest of their years on TVTropes trying to ignore: that TV and videogames are not real life. Kieselguhr Kid has a new favorite as of 03:57 on Aug 13, 2012 |
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Aug 13, 2012 03:54
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Everyone's friend's roommate's mom is a teacher or nurse who worked with a kid named Shithead/Lemonjello/Orangejello/Abcde.
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Aug 13, 2012 04:19
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