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SpiderHyphenMan posted:AMERICA. fake edit: written by a friend of mine A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist "Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!" At this moment, a brave, patriotic Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock. "How old is this rock, pinhead?" The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied "4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian" "Wrong. It's been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real... then it should be an animal now" The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears. The same tears liberals cry for the "poor" (who today live in such luxury that most own refrigerators) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving job creators. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, DeShawn Washington, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them! The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named "Small Government" flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country. The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity. Semper Fi. p.s. close the borders
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 04:27 |
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# ? May 3, 2024 23:51 |
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Kieselguhr Kid posted:(Incidentally, my favourite part about the 'marine punches out professor' story is this idea that a professor, giving a lecture as part of a class the students are presumably paying for, walked in and spent his first 10-15 minutes taunting god. And that this was so startling it reduced an entire class to shocked silence for the entire time.) If my college years are any indication, the majority of students' reaction to a professor saying something absurd on either end of the political spectrum would be to continue not really paying any attention.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 04:29 |
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Arschlochkind posted:If my college years are any indication, the majority of students' reaction to a professor saying something absurd on either end of the political spectrum would be to continue not really paying any attention. Except for the twats in the front row that need to have their annoying opinions known. You know the type.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 04:36 |
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I can't even comprehend how stupid that Albert Einstein chain mail is. Whoever wrote it can't have passed 8th grade science. Somehow I managed to spend ten minutes looking through my Facebook feed and didn't find something astoundingly untrue.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 04:36 |
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I recall one of those student/professor religious face-off stories where the professor leaves the lecture hall in an embarrassed huff, and the student takes the place at the front of the room and tells everybody about "God's love for them" or something dumb like that, and (the most shitthatdidnthappen part about it) all the students stayed and listened for hours. You know, instead of just getting up and going home because who cares.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 04:36 |
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Chain email forwarders have this weird perception that college students are all just waiting to hear the word of Jesus, instead of already having heard it over and over again and are much more eager to replace it with sex, alcohol, and apathy.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 04:55 |
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Really any time someone can get a giant smug lecture out without the other person cutting them off or walking away in the middle.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 05:02 |
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1stGear posted:Chain email forwarders have this weird perception that college students are all just waiting to hear the word of Jesus, instead of already having heard it over and over again and are much more eager to replace it with sex, alcohol, and apathy. If you read Jack Chick tracts, it seems like people like Chick genuinely believe that somehow a shitload of people have managed to get through their entire lives without ever hearing a single thing about Jesus Christ, and if they can just be told they'll AUTOMATICALLY convert, all the time gasping out loud about how they just didn't know! An old guy (mid-sixties, regular height, quite skinny) I worked with years ago told me in all earnestness about the time he went back to back with a guy being viciously assaulted by "some huge black guys" late one night in the city, and how he managed to take two of them out by himself before the police arrived and arrested them (the black guys only). The story wasn't set in the distant past either, it was a "What I did on the weekend" type story.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 05:12 |
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Let me tell you about my uncle who works at Nintendo....
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 05:24 |
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You can tell someone is slingin' some STDH whenever they employ some affected voice to represent the people that they totally owned. I have certain family members that love to break out their "faggy" voice when regaling someone with their tales of destroying wishy-washy liberals with iron-clad conservative logic.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 05:30 |
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Kid I went to high-school with claimed he beat me to a bloody pulp; by happenstance, I walked by as he made the claim and proved to him and the world he did no such thing. The question is: which part of that story is the shitthatdidnthappen?
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 06:41 |
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pug wearing a hat posted:Everyone's friend's roommate's mom is a teacher or nurse who worked with a kid named Shithead/Lemonjello/Orangejello/Abcde. BSchlang posted:A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist...
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 06:56 |
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brave reddit atheist posted:So I was standing in a rather large line at my local Wal-Mart today behind a couple families that I know from when I went to church with my family in year younger. It was the only register open so there wasn't much of another option to get my 12 pack of Mountain Dew for a party I was heading to. I was wondering why the line was going nowhere when I decided to poke my head up front to see what the holdup was. It was a little old lady who didn't have enough for her groceries and she was trying to talk the cashier into letting her get away with being short. This struck me as odd until I found out she was a mere $0.21 short of her purchase. Now all these families were just staring and there was even two making fun of her. I walked up and handed my soda to the cashier, handed him a $5 and told her to keep the change. One of the middle aged women (I knew these people, so I also knew that they all make over 6 digits) grabbed her kid and yelled very loudly, "See that man? He's acting just like Jesus wants us to." For some reason this set me off, so I turned around. I haven't shaved in awhile so I'm rocking some nice scruff, a Slayer shirt, and gym shorts, so it must have been a nice sight. Very loudly, I said "Like Jesus? Ma'am I'm an atheist who makes minimum wage and I was the one who stepped up to help her? Your hypocritical Christianity is an inspiration to us all." As I stormed out, a couple of the cart boys started to whistle and cheer, soon shoppers joined in and even the cashier. I gave a wave and went off with a feeling of accomplishment.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 07:44 |
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I can't tell if this is a troll thread or not. Do you guys seriously not have people clap and cheer when you do something? What a sad, pathetic existence.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 08:01 |
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Dr Mantis Toboggan posted:I can't tell if this is a troll thread or not. Do you guys seriously not have people clap and cheer when you do something? What a sad, pathetic existence. Once I was walking through my school cafeteria carrying a plate of food. I dropped it and the plate smashed. Then everyone cheered and clapped and someone walking past even said "Nice one bro!" Happiest day of my life.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 08:59 |
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The best part about that story is that he (supposedly?) was bringing a 12 pack of soda to a party. That's how cool he is.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 09:00 |
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Idiootti posted:Even r/atheism managed to realize that this very much didn't happen. I had to find the story on another site because the creator deleted the original. Is the poo poo that didnt happen that people at a party really needed Mountain Dew, from Walmart?
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 09:22 |
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If we're doing poo poo that didn't happen from Troper Tales, will someone who has it please post the one about the guy whose friend was so tough he used to break pencils? It's the single most laughable thing from that site. The one with the Marine punching the atheist professor should end "And that Marine was Charles Whitman! So remember, kids, don't forget to assault people who say things you disagree with and keep practicing your sniping skills!"
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 09:23 |
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General Panic posted:If we're doing poo poo that didn't happen from Troper Tales, will someone who has it please post the one about the guy whose friend was so tough he used to break pencils? It's the single most laughable thing from that site. Thsi is about the poo poo that didn't happen, though, that was the most hilariously realistic Troper Tale there was.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 09:42 |
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General Panic posted:If we're doing poo poo that didn't happen from Troper Tales, will someone who has it please post the one about the guy whose friend was so tough he used to break pencils? It's the single most laughable thing from that site. This one? "Arguably, this Troper is probably the youngest of which who suffers from this Trope. This is practically the invisible label that's under the invisible Berserk Button of this 13-year old kid. He broke 33 pencils in his life, and had a good friend break two of those pencils because they were too hard. He even yelled at someone because that guy was the third person who asked if he could be punched for the third time, with a teacher only a mile ahead!" quote:I'm not even sure what this guy is trying to say. Mainwaring has a new favorite as of 11:45 on Aug 13, 2012 |
# ? Aug 13, 2012 10:22 |
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Mainwaring posted:This one?
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 11:30 |
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Shasta Cola posted:The best part about that story is that he (supposedly?) was bringing a 12 pack of soda to a party. That's how cool he is. Groups in WoW are called parties.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 11:59 |
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My coworker read this to me the other day, taken from a Craigslist ad that apparently got some traction around the net.quote:To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. She gets to the end, and I say, "Wait, so he's admitting that he mugged the guy who mugged him, and then did more illegal stuff after that? Fraud, identity theft, and threatening the President?" Coworker was like, "Yeah... but it's funny!" It's so shit_that_didnt_happen.txt, it has it's own Snopes page. The original piece was a little less horrible of a revenge fantasy than this one, and the author admitted that he just wrote it to blow off some steam after his house got broken into. The author said later, "I'm starting to see people alter the hell out of it for political and other reasons, and quite frankly, that just irritates the poo poo out of me."
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 12:42 |
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Sulphuric Sundae posted:My coworker read this to me the other day, taken from a Craigslist ad that apparently got some traction around the net. I love how the poo poo this dude does is 100 times worse than just mugging some guy.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 12:50 |
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Sulphuric Sundae posted:My coworker read this to me the other day, taken from a Craigslist ad that apparently got some traction around the net. It's the third post in the thread.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 12:55 |
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Idiootti posted:Even r/atheism managed to realize that this very much didn't happen. I had to find the story on another site because the creator deleted the original. There is one bit here that I find pretty believable. That someone sad enough to make that kind of story probably has attended a party completely unshaven and wearing a Slayer shirt with gym shorts. Some of my favourite types of these stories were always the ones you'd find on the Livejournal childfree communities. The sort where someone purposefully trips a kid over or something while at a family-friendly place, then verbally takes down the angered parent for being such an entitlemoo. The people who see it are stunned and impressed. Clapping and cheering would then, of course, follow.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 13:16 |
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Anyone have the "that guy is INHUMAN!" Troper Tales story. I think its about some jock trying to beat him up and he kicks the jock's rear end with his karate powers.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 13:39 |
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quote:This troper took a few levels when, after years of being a Woobie so pitiful Shinji would say what the heck is wrong with you, I had enough of a girl I liked always going for this tall, blond guy. When they were talking right in front of me in the street and holding arms and talking and all that, I said, "Shut. The. Hell. Up." The boy looks around and walks over, trying to look menacing. Martial arts studies come in. I take a punch to the forehead and then slide under and punch him in the stomach, he goes backwards and I land another one to his face. I then go berserk and full body tackle him. He managed to crawl away, and say, "That kid...is inhuman!" Another level was taken when I knocked a knife out of Joseph Stubb's hand
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 13:43 |
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Len posted:It's the third post in the thread. Whoops! I'm usually better than that DrManiac posted:I love how the poo poo this dude does is 100 times worse than just mugging some guy. The girl prefaced reading this by asking, "Do you support people carrying guns?" I hope this doesn't reinforce her belief, because if this guy were real he should probably get his CCW permit revoked. Oh, and get arrested.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 14:00 |
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Usually in these fake "I beat the gently caress out of a guy!" stories the author make a super horrible strawman so you agree with them, without that they seem like a loving loon. Why does this guy wants us to believe he beat the poo poo out of some guy for mutually flirting with a girl he liked? Does he really think he's the good guy in this make believe scenario? Like, the girl wasn't even dating you dude. I can just imagine a fat troper steaming mad sitting behind the girl he likes (never making his feelings known) glaring at this "jock" seducing "his" girl (without ever doing anything of course).
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 14:15 |
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“I was in this parking lot and there was a man looking for a space to park, and I found a space for him. And I felt badly — he looked like he was sort of in distress. And I said, ‘Sir, here’s a place.’ And he said, ‘That’s a handicapped space.’ I said, ‘Oh I’m so sorry, I saw that Obama sticker and I thought you were mentally retarded.’” - Jim Roddey, Allegheny County, PA GOP Chair Not only did he (most probably) invent this lame rear end story, he thought it was so witty and awesome he decided to tell it at an election party in front of 200 people http://thinkprogress.org/election/2012/08/08/655801/obama-sticker-mentally-retarded/?mobile=nc
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 14:28 |
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pug wearing a hat posted:Everyone's friend's roommate's mom is a teacher or nurse who worked with a kid named Shithead/Lemonjello/Orangejello/Abcde. The best part is that it's a century old and in the original version the dogwhistle racism was just regular old racism: quote:A young woman in Central Park overheard an old negress call to a pickaninny: "Come heah, Exy, Exy!" FuriousGeorge posted:You can tell someone is slingin' some STDH whenever they employ some affected voice to represent the people that they totally owned. I have certain family members that love to break out their "faggy" voice when regaling someone with their tales of destroying wishy-washy liberals with iron-clad conservative logic.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 14:45 |
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 15:21 |
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Actually, this did happen. On an episode of M*A*S*H
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 15:38 |
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and that Marine was...Albert Einstein.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 15:52 |
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I like that one where garbage poster ZanderZ was talking about some job interview...I think he edited the post though? Anyway, he was talking lots of poo poo like he always posts, and then Abe chimed in a few posts later.quote:Huh, that's interesting.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 16:00 |
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"Pictures of women? Ah yeah let me check... oh! I have some unwanted ones right here. I don't know why I keep them around anyway, I don't want them nor need them, they're dead weight but here they are so go ahead, steal away into the harsh Afghan night with this nudey shot of a girl I may have or have had some connection with that I still hold onto. Don't worry, I have tons of intimate portraits of women I don't really want pictures of, and this is one of the unwanted ones that I took halfway across the world for no reason. Take this booty-laden image and prove to her that she made the wrong decision when she decided to see other people. I'm glad you're a happy and remarkably endowed man again Albert Einstein, and now that my life has not changed one iota with our insignificant transaction (but for the passage of time) I'm going to stand over here and continue hoarding pictures of women (clothed and without) in the middle of a warzone. Semper Fi, John 3:16, America bad woman and [insert lyrics to CW McCall's "Convoy"]." edit: drat it, i spent way too much time writing that
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 16:07 |
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This like a look back into a world where smart phones, ipods, external harddisks and tablets don't exist, but weirdly I'm seeing it on the internet. This poo poo is twisting my melon, man.
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 16:18 |
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Someone requested the Troper Tale about singing Hallelujah in a Cathedral, dug it up from one of The Triumphant's posts in the old thread.quote:Though more a 'reader of tropes' than a 'troper', this troper just''had'' to share one of his experiences in Germany. He was stuck in one of the narrow stairwells at the Cathedral in Cologne, with hundreds of people packed in shoulder-to-shoulder above and below him. Nothing was moving, and everyone was grumbling - right up until the point where someone started in with "Hallelujah." The version from "Shrek."
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 17:13 |
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# ? May 3, 2024 23:51 |
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Hahaha. That could have been vaguely believable if they'd just left it as a group sing-along since that's not totally out of the realms of possibility. But they just had to carry on to the usual "clapping and cheering". Oh, and some crying, even!
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# ? Aug 13, 2012 17:19 |