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■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ This OP is a joint effort between me and hyperriker because what would be more apt for 2013, a year in which there will be 2 chances for Australia to regain the Ashes, than an Englishman and an Australian putting aside their obvious differences in class, charm, pureness of bloodline and chances of being eaten by a snake to deliver this, what I can only describe as, adequate OP. ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtxnfqDJUWg ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ Welcome to the Cricket Thread for 2013! First off, a bit for the thread newbies poking around SAS - this is a fairly cozy thread, a bunch of regulars and a few lurkers throwing their two cents in from time to time, but we only really get going when big matches are on. This year, big matches are on. We're mainly posters from England, Australia, New Zealand and a couple from India, but don't let that deter you. Come in, try to watch games, ask questions, participate! It's basically like the rest of SAS, bunch of guys having a chat about the sport, rarely gets serious until Aussie lurkers show up and declare only Australians to be the best ever at the sport, then it's on for all money. What the gently caress is cricket?  Imagine baseball. Now imagine baseball if you could hit the ball in any direction you liked, and the ball Watch this highlights video while reading the below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WVQBk5wnPQ - Each team has 11 players - Two batsmen in at a time - Fielding side has one bowler (pitcher), one wicket keeper (catcher) and the rest are in the field - A bowler delivers 6 balls (pitches) which comprises one 'over', then another bowler will bowl the next over from the opposite end of the pitch - Batsmen score one run by leaving the crease at one end and running to the other - Four runs if you hit it all the way to the boundary - Six runs if you hit it over the boundary on the full (home run) - There are 10 ways a batsman can be out, and if he's out, he doesn't come back for the rest of the innings. Once 10 of the 11 batsmen are out, OR the batting side's captain can declare the innings closed if enough runs are scored to fit the match situation, the fielding side will then go into bat - Each side has 2 innings per match - To win, you must bowl the other side out (dismiss all their batsmen) in both innings, while having scored more runs than them. If you're still confused, don't beat yourself up. Just watch this video of a dog getting vacuumed and weep gently at the quiet beauty of life for a moment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcjJtccVsiY There, there. Sometimes they play in white clothes, sometimes in coloured clothes!?!? There are three 'forms' of cricket played internationally at the moment. - Test cricket (Mainly white uniforms):  Tests are the traditional and historic form of the game. There are no over limits, and a full five days are given in which a result must be found. If there is no winner after five days, the match is drawn. Draws can be either the most dull, or the most wonderful occurrences, depending on how the match plays out (three days rained off, OR batsmen struggling to survive under immense pressure to save the match). Tests are long-form chess, they are an examination of all players on both sides, the peak of all cricket in terms of strategy, fitness and, most of all, mental discipline. - One-day cricket (Coloured uniforms):  Born out of Kerry Packer's 'World Series Cricket' in the 1970's, one dayers reinvented the sport. There is one innings per side, and a limit of 50 overs per team, which quite often led to finishes such as this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KO1XL8_ezVM One dayers no longer command the interest that they used to, mainly due to teams trying to 'not lose' instead of playing for the win, but it's still hardly as bad as... - Twenty20 cricket (Who gives a poo poo):  This is a loving gimmick, aimed straight at the untapped audience of people who don't have the attention span to appreciate even the greatest Test matches. It's just a slogfest that takes about three hours, full of boring defensive bowling and boring defensive field placements. Hardly anything that makes Test cricket interesting is found here, "hey it's a bit of fun so whatever" Actually T20 is probably the main reason why Test cricket is struggling, because all the batsmen slog their hearts out in the Indian Premier League or the Big Bash or something, and then can't calm down and play a proper innings in a Test. All the bowlers seem to forget how to bowl a disciplined attacking line for more than 4 overs in a row. gently caress T20. Who plays this poo poo? England  England invented cricket and thusly is best at it. It’s a team made up of pure sporting thoroughbreds. Not gods but Englishmen, the next best thing. They are lead by their captain Alastair Cook but it is common knowledge that the real driving force behind the success is the best all rounder in the world, Timothy Bresnan. Bresnan is a man so full of steel and grit that some say the word ‘born’ is rubbed out on his birth certificate and replaced with 'forged.' Bresnan sets the standard that every other player strives to achieve when they are representing England; a country that, at the time of writing this, has never done anything bad to any country or people ever. India  India are a team in transition. A transition from being good to being bad. The main problem for them is their obsession with the IPL and shorter forms of the game but their sheer mass of population should keep them strong enough to remain near the top of the pile for the next decade or so. If not, they can always have the BCCI complain to the ICC until the rules are changed in their favour. New Zealand  New Zealand are like diet Australia. You think you're being healthier with the lighter alternative but you're actually giving yourself cancer through some weird artificial sweetener. Watching New Zealand play cricket is a bit like having cancer actually; it takes your health, your dreams, your hair. What a relief it must be when it comes for your life. They're not all bad, though. There is one thing they excel at; and that is losing. Some say to see New Zealand win you need 'the right kind of eyes.' If this is the case, the right kind of eyes are the eyes that see imaginary things that don't actually happen. Pakistan  Pakistan are the most interesting team. When they’re not having their country bombed into looking like a squalid New Zealand by America they can boast a dead coach, match fixing, performance enhancing drugs, players attacking each other with bats and official statements literally featuring the words ‘genital warts’ in their recent history and for that we love them. They are an eternal mid-table team. If you’re English, think of them like an Everton or a Newcastle. If you’re American think of them like a team that finishes in the middle of the league in whatever bad sport it is you like. West Indies  West Indies are the saddest of all teams. They were once the best team in the world and cricket was the national sport. Nowadays cricket has fallen behind less athletic pastimes like sprinting and bobsleighing. Barely capable of stringing 2 draws together now, they’re everyone’s second favourite team and the only thing they’ve won lately has been our hearts. Australia  Initially a British penal colony, Australia's single proudest national achievement has been standing up and smashing the loving Poms in every sport on the planet[citation needed] with cricket right at the forefront[citation needed]. Apart from Heavyweight champion at Kangaroo Boxing, Captain of the Australian Test side is the highest sporting office in the country, and every match (except in Hobart, gently caress Hobart) is an event, always strongly attended and watched around the nation. Cricket is the summer sport. South Africa  Widely regarded as one of the best sides at the moment, South Africa are doing well now they've put all the racism behind them. However good they get, they never seem to be as good as they think they are, though, and as such can be quite the little cunts. This makes for much hilarity when they inevitably choke in a one dayer or prepare a test match pitch to suit their attack only for it to backfire horribly on them. Sri Lanka  Sri Lanka are still trying to come to terms with losing the best bowler ever to retirement which is proving difficult for them as for the last 15 years they've depended on him almost entirely. What does the future hold for Sri Lanka? Probably more cricketers with really long names. The minnows No this isn't actually a team but the rest of the smaller/newer cricketing playing countries who, quite frankly, don't deserve their own individual paragraph and will have to do with a line or two each and being gathered into a group named after the first swimming badge. The one you get when you swim 5 meters. I mean, you can fall over that far. That's how low these teams are regarded. Bangladesh: For a while they seemed to be getting their poo poo together and were approaching a decent level but that seems to have petered out. They beat Australia once though lol. Ireland: Too busy getting drunk to seriously challenge the top teams. Netherlands: Too busy getting stoned to seriously challenge the top teams. Afghanistan: Too busy being invaded by America to seriously challenge the top teams. Zimbabwe: Too busy being hosed over by Robert Mugabe to seriously challenge the top teams. ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ The Ashes The Ashes is a test match series played between England and Australia. There are 2 Ashes series this year, back to back, in England from June-Sep and then a return series in Australia starting in November, five Tests each. The Ashes is important, even to the casual fan, and any loss to England has the Australian media crying for weeks, heads rolling amongst the playing group and/or administration and a 47% increase in kangaroo abuse cases reported. Don Bradman, who might very well be (statistically and actually) the greatest player of any sport ever, was a weapon crafted and honed by Australian cricket to gently caress England, and gently caress them he did, time and time again, and his successors did, time and time again. Australia dominated the Ashes for a long time, mostly off the back of known drug cheat Shane Warne and chucker Glenn McGrath. Now, though, these two have retired to shag Liz Hurley and mourn dead wives, respectively. Today we find a more humbling picture. Ricky Ponting and Mike Hussey have retired, and with them they take the last remaining hopes and dreams of the nation. Australia is loving poo poo now, they can't loving bat and constantly rotate the bowling ranks trying to find something, anything that sticks together for more than five minutes. Meaning, of course, that everyone is scared of being dropped from the team, so they play like spackers when put under even the slightest pressure.  yeah Ricky, your time was up a year or two ago Contrary to Australia’s demise, England have risen in recent years and will be heavy favourites for both series because they're just a lot better than Australia at cricket but hopefully that won't stop the Australians in this thread getting their hopes up and you never know, they might even engage in some much needed persiflage. ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ thehappyprince fucked around with this message at 13:42 on Apr 26, 2013 |
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Jan 1, 2013 04:57
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| # ¿ May 22, 2024 10:19 |
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deep square leg posted:Cricket. it's the star at the top left now. took me a while to find it
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Jan 1, 2013 09:53
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I had Botham in the deathpool but it was mostly just wishful thinking.
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Jan 1, 2013 16:21
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Should've put NZ in with the minnows
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Jan 2, 2013 15:10
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Franko posted:I dunno, could work on some of those postage stamp grounds of yours. Are you bringing a spare poo poo attack to bowl at him like?
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Jan 4, 2013 03:00
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god i can't wait for the ashes. if i was a woman my fanny would be literally dripping.
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Jan 4, 2013 03:44
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Literally every England player would waltz straight into this Australian line up. Perhaps Clarke would get into England's on a good day maybe?
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Jan 4, 2013 04:02
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I mean honestly at first I thought BDC was just trolling. That's how little chance I think Australia have. I just don't see what they have to trouble England, home or away.
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Jan 4, 2013 04:06
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Mister Chief posted:Are there any good English posters in this thread? At least the Aussie posters will post honest appraisals of their players where as the poms post nothing but hyperbolic praise for even their most mediocre players. I think you will find that I, thehappyprince, have been quite outspoken in my disregard for the abilities of Ian Bell and Steven Finn, among others. So yeah, I guess that goes to show that it's me. I am the good English poster. The best English poster. The best poster. The best.
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Jan 4, 2013 04:11
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Mister Chief posted:You think Tim Bresnan is good. Thanks for backing me up. You won't be forgotten when I'm writing my hall of fame speech, Master chef.
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Jan 4, 2013 04:15
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Pig in the City posted:Bahaha you could sell this poo poo on a roadside. Not really sure what that means but I'll assume that you're Australian and therefore it is somehow related to a crime so will just leave it where it is.
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Jan 4, 2013 04:18
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Burn Down Canberra posted:Your pace attack isn't really that good. I'd take Australia's at full strength. Especially what we have coming through. what is your full strength attack?
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Jan 4, 2013 04:26
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Burn Down Canberra posted:Siddle, Pattinson, Starc and Bird I like. With Pat Cummins waiting in the wings. Burn Down Canberra posted:Your pace attack isn't really that good. I'd take Australia's at full strength. Especially what we have coming through. lol out loud. the persiflage is strong with this one
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Jan 4, 2013 04:33
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Hardly surprising
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Jan 6, 2013 00:35
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Robert Kubica was poo poo at cricket too?
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Jan 6, 2013 01:53
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real damage
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Jan 6, 2013 02:19
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i want ashley giles to die
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Jan 8, 2013 21:29
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i don't even care about the one day squad i just want him dead
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Jan 8, 2013 22:59
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Burn Down Canberra posted:More batsman need to stand their ground after being bowled. Shut up you literal quilt.
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Jan 10, 2013 19:41
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Tim Bresnan owns
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Jan 11, 2013 14:32
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Hahahah what in the gently caress
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Jan 11, 2013 14:33
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Lol why is Patel even bowling
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Jan 11, 2013 14:45
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Lionel RichTea posted:anti-Samitism. muy bueno
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Jan 11, 2013 19:21
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I bet the umpires were glad england won so they don't have to explain that ridiculous not out decision for an obviously taken catch
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Jan 11, 2013 23:10
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RideTheSpiral posted:There is something very wrong with the world where have you been living? in a chinese pipe?
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Jan 15, 2013 18:09
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friday
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Jan 16, 2013 19:31
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smart captaincy imo
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Jan 16, 2013 22:42
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The Ashes is going to be as one sided as a gang rape.
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Jan 18, 2013 11:49
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serious gaylord posted:The insecurity of the aussies is getting pretty hilarious tbh. They're going to lash out then vanish for the entirety of the series. Can't tell if you're talking about posters here or the Australian players.
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Jan 18, 2013 14:14
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deep square leg posted:This is the best thread. Mister Chief posted:this thread was bad enough as it was one of you can't be wrong
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Jan 19, 2013 01:48
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I heard the team song now is the Renford Rejects theme song.
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Jan 19, 2013 02:36
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hZ6ER0TR6g
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Jan 19, 2013 03:03
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they were bad as well that's why it works
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Jan 19, 2013 03:12
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Glad to see Giles failing.
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Jan 19, 2013 14:10
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Probably sees a lot of himself in him.
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Jan 19, 2013 14:43
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No, no. That's wrong.
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Jan 19, 2013 14:53
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We couldn't get rid of him when he was a player despite his constant shitness; he'll probably be employed forever.
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Jan 19, 2013 22:13
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i'd kill myself and boycout the club
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Jan 19, 2013 22:43
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Sounds like the australian dressing room is like Mean Girls.
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Jan 21, 2013 01:30
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| # ¿ May 22, 2024 10:19 |
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The absence of kangaroos sets off many alarm bells for me. myth busted
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Jan 21, 2013 02:35
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