|
Alright, taking into account that I pretty much was setting myself up for abuse and posting bullshit that I thought was clever years ago, I have decided to just write something and get an honest critique. Yeah, those were older snippets that I mostly just typed up for coworkers as a lark to fill up blank time. Shame on me. This is more of a character portrait, but if I'm just pulling my pud here, I'd rather know now. It's another night in. Just me, a movie, and Mary. Work was tedium and I don't feel up to playing video games. Besides, Mary's in a more amiable mood, so I should try to keep her happy. She sits lightly on the other end of the couch while I cycle through options on the streaming video service. It's hard to see her clearly, but I still try to register her reactions whenever I linger on a video. Her wavy black hair is hanging over a lot of her face. Anybody who didn't know her like I do would assume she's had a bad day, or they'd just pretend she wasn't there. There is the time she scared the poo poo out of the landlord, but he just swore she was somebody who used to live here. Her strained eyes twitch up at the screen when I stop on a documentary about cats in Rome. Cats in Rome it is. She doesn't like when I look directly at her, but I more than just glance. Outside of the strongly negative aura she puts off, Mary is pretty much in the average range. In fact, she's easier to define by the things that she isn't than the things that she is, but I try. She's pale. Her hair is black and wavy. She's a bit unkempt, but to be fair, the past few years have been unkind to her. Very unkind. The next part is difficult to keep in positive terms. She's quiet. She speaks sometimes, but it's usually confused. When she overflows, she tends to blow up in hysterical sobbing or howling rage. If I had more self-respect or will to stand up and be my own person, I'd have left already. Most people do. Then again, what else am I doing with my life? She glances at me briefly, but looks down, then back at the screen. I made her self-conscious again. Well, I suppose I should eat tonight. The walk to the kitchen is brief enough, and I grab the two styrofoam boxes, one with General Tso's chicken, the other with beef broccoli. The beef broccoli goes in front of her, the lid flipped open. I stab a pair of chopsticks into the rice and leave it there, because that's how she prefers that I offer it. I start eating my culturally disingenuous dish and watch more facts about cats. Cats in Rome. Apparently they enjoy the Colosseum. Our first meeting was very confusing. She just seemed so lost, and I know I was lost. Mary can be off-putting to most people, but I accept her as she is. I just sometimes wish I knew how to help her. Like usual, she isn't touching her food. I suppose it can't be helped. I used to try talking to her more, but she isn't much for discussions. She isn't much for anything, really, but her presence is strangely comforting. Some part of myself wishes more of her. We have a relationship, but I really don't know what it is. I know that we aren't more than friends, but is she really a friend? She basically sits in my apartment while I try to take care of her. Sometimes I think I'd do anything to see her smile, but maybe I'm just being overly dramatic. We're a half hour into the documentary and she scoots closer. Before I can get any kind of hope/disappointment cycle into my head, she leans over and lays her head on my shoulder. This isn't the first time, but it's always strange. I can feel pressure but no weight. It's like she's not there. It's like she's there. It's not like anything. Last time I tried to put an arm around her, but that didn't work out so well so I'll let her rest as she pleases. Besides, I'm done eating. I can't say I give a poo poo about cats in Rome, but I typically don't let people get within a certain radius of me anyways. Why is it okay if she does it? Well, she was here first. It isn't her apartment anymore. I did read her diary, though. I understand why she did it and I wish I knew how to help her, but I secretly don't mind the company. Am I keeping her here? I glance at her face over my shoulder. Well, I don't have much purpose other than this anyways. My degree in Anthropology doesn't amount to jack or poo poo. I work in a call center. I don't have anybody else in my life. I can't claim to be good at anything. All I have is the head on my shoulder, and she doesn't have anything but unfinished business that she won't talk about. How much do the lips have to curve to constitute a smile?
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2015 17:47
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 28, 2024 21:28 |
|
|
This is comically  and nothing much happens, but the words are OK and there's a whiff of motivation and change. As an exercise try taking these characters and putting them in the middle of a crisis. She wants something from him, how does she get it? How about vice versa? They want something from someone else-how do they work together to get it?
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2015 21:57
|
|
|
There's some good stuff in here and there's some stuff in here that didn't land for me. It's fine if you feel like this was more of a writing exercise than a finished piece, but I'm going to dig into some more granular details as well as the broader stuff. (Also, I put line breaks between your paragraphs, because it's easier to read that way.)mr meowzers posted:It's another night in. Just me, a movie, and Mary. Work was tedium and I don't feel up to playing video games. Tedium is a difficult thing to make interesting, and at this point, I am feeling kind of bored. Besides, Mary's in a more amiable mood, it took me a moment to realize 'more amiable' was in comparison to his mood, or is it in comparison to her normal mood? unclear either way so I should try to keep her happy. She sits lightly not sure of this adverb use, especially when it comes to adverbs that 'weaken' the verb on the other end of the couch while I cycle through options on the streaming video service. That's an awkward phrase where you could have just said Netflix. It's hard to see her clearly, but I still try to register her reactions whenever I linger on a video. Her wavy black hair is hanging over a lot of her face. Anybody who didn't know her like I do would assume she's had a bad day, or they'd just pretend she wasn't there. That last part is a bit confusing. I get the idea is that her presence is one that people prefer to overlook, but consider the context. Anyone who didn't know her that well would pretend she wasn't there...while picking out a movie to watch together? There is the time she scared the poo poo out of the landlord, but he just swore she was somebody who used to live here. I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. Her whole Ring thing scared him, but...she looks like someone who used to live there? I don't see how this is relevant to building their character dynamic, it's like saying one time she surprised someone by opening the door just as they were about to turn the doorknob from the other side. So, if I wasn't reading this to crit it, would I consider it worth my time to read? Not really, but as a writing exercise, getting some stretches in, seeing what you can do, I'd say it was fine. You said it was a character sketch, though I felt like it was more of a sketch trying to work out the relationship between these two characters. I can't really say what makes Mary tick, and though I've got a clearer idea of protag guy's character, most of what I know of him is in relation to Mary, and what I can read of his personality from that. But the good thing there is that since it's about a relationship, it's not quite as boring as a single character might be. Like Seb said, there's hints of motivation and conflict and change, so I could see a good story spinning out of this somehow, but it would depend on your ability to set them in an interesting situation. In terms of relatability, there's not a whole lot I can hang my hat on for protag guy, because he's a bit of a sad sack wet noodle, but what warmed me toward him the most was the chopsticks in the rice, which gave me the strongest 'good person' vibes. Mary's deliberately written as a mystery so there's not a ton I can read off of her. As a concluding thought, even though I dug out a lot of things that didn't work for me, overall it wasn't bad and even if it was kind of boring and vague in parts, there's parts in there that show you know your way around words. I'd love to see you do more writing, cause if you polished up a bit I bet it'd sound pretty slick.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2015 11:18
|
|
|
So what I'm taking away right now is that this could be stretched out into a longer story and made more interesting, but as stands it is too static. I guess I'll ruin one aspect of it in that I was probably attempting to be too witty. Mary is a ghost haunting the guy's apartment and the protag is such an awful goon that it's pretty much turned into a weird relationship. So if I draw this out into a longer story and keep piling on hints, it might almost work?
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2015 11:31
|
|
|
I would not have picked that up in the slightest, because as it stands, it just sounds like a weird girl and a sad guy living together. To turn it into a story, you'd need some central conflict, which could be internal to the relationship, dealing in some way with the difficulty of a ghost and a human becoming friends, or it could be something external to the relationship. Either way, someone would have to want something, have trouble getting it, and take steps toward achieving that goal.. However long it ends up, I would say absolutely do not try to hide the fact that she's a ghost. That is some interesting poo poo right there. Stories trade on interesting poo poo, that's what they're built on. You wouldn't be reading a story if it wasn't interesting, and hiding what's interesting in a story until late in the game just makes most of your story boring (and it increases your chances of having a twist ending, which is a terrible thing to have, because a twist invalidates the tone and tension you've built up throughout the story). You could get away with hints for a little while if they're interesting hints, like what the heck is up with this girl, why is she acting weird, then drop, hey, she's a ghost, and then move onto the conflict. The trick with an interesting concept like that is that while it's interesting, your conflict has to be something more than just "a thing, interesting". And the conflict is going to be the meat of your story. By all means, hang that conflict on the fact that she's a ghost and he's a guy so inured to horror and so bland and desperate for female attention that he'll hang out with her. Let what's interesting inform your conflict, but make sure you get to that conflict nice and quick and don't focus on drawing out some sweet reveal. Deliberately hiding information from the audience that the character would know doesn't make for an interesting story, it makes for a frustrating exercise in poor communication, and it makes me, the reader, distrust you, the author. What I'd do if I was writing a story out of that sketch would be to snag some of those good lines, maybe toss them all into the first paragraph with some evocative hook at the beginning, and then on the next line go "oh yeah, all that stuff i just said, it's cause she's a ghost," and then bam, you have the rest of the story to show us the interesting consequences of the interesting thing and how the interesting thing leads to an interesting conflict. (That's assuming a short-story-length piece, if you were going longer you'd have more of a grace period but I'd still expect things to get interesting pretty soon, and you'd still want to introduce the fact that she's a ghost early on.)
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2015 12:16
|
|
|
Yes. It's surprisingly effective to just start with a completely absurd opening line and see where it takes you. 'It's just another night in, just me and Mary, who is a ghost.' Does that improve the story vastly? let's see.quote:It's another night in. Just me, a movie, and Mary, who's a ghost. Work was tedium and I don't feel up to playing video games. Besides, Mary's in a more amiable mood, so I should try to keep her happy. She sits lightly on the other end of the couch while I cycle through options on the streaming video service. It's hard to see her clearly, but I still try to register her reactions whenever I linger on a video. Her wavy black hair is hanging over a lot of her face. Anybody who didn't know her like I do would assume she's had a bad day, or they'd just pretend she wasn't there. There is the time she scared the poo poo out of the landlord, but he just swore she was somebody who used to live here. Yep, that's a better story already. Notice how it makes it easy to cut the bits where you were 'dropping clues'? Don't drop clues. Say stuff.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2015 12:27
|
|
|
GlyphGryph posted:The shifting shards of the Shattered Cliché opening line. Also, what are "shifting shards"? Rambling second sentence. But not in a clever way that mirrors what is being described. I don't know what you mean by "flowing and floating sands". A lot of redundancy. "broken" and "ruins" do the same thing for describing the city. Describing the desert as being parched is unnecessary. It's pretty clear that Uchoyo isn't their pal, do you need to say so explicitly? "arose" makes me think of little mole people popping out of the ground or behind bent pine trees. And the description of how they overcome these minions is really dull and unrealistic. It's as if they treated fighting these increasingly hideous minions of their worst enemy like they would treat organising rounds at a bar. The phrase "unique talents" without some sort of example upset me a lot. And what sort of small victory would they in turn claim? A skelf in the knee? (Turns out skelf is a Scottish word?) A splinter then... I stopped at that. It just seemed like two random characters popped up here. Why are they suffering the shifting shards of the Shatter Lands? Why are they willing to get skelfs when employing their unique talents against the minions who have an aesthetic rating linearly dependent on the Family's time travelled or on the number of previously arisen minions? Why did they travel to Feund the Engineer? Who is Aktion and how is he related to Kuono and the Family? I think you are trying to conjure up a feeling of mystery here, but the result for me is a disjointed introduction with four characters introduced, along with some characterless minions, and I know nothing about any of them except Uchoyo and all I know about him is that he is bad (this is an assumption based on his minions not being attractive). Just my thoughts on why I didn't read beyond the first line of the second paragraph. Lazy Beggar fucked around with this message at 14:55 on Sep 16, 2015 |
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2015 14:34
|
|
|
sebmojo posted:Yes. It's surprisingly effective to just start with a completely absurd opening line and see where it takes you. 'It's just another night in, just me and Mary, who is a ghost.' Does that improve the story vastly? let's see. Hm. Kinda wondering if I could get away with putting the reveal of her being a ghost at the end, or is that still trying too hard to be clever? I know that under 1000 words means being more direct and more telling rather than showing, but I feel like saying she's a ghost at the beginning is like explaining a joke before you tell it.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2015 21:00
|
|
|
mr meowzers posted:Hm. Kinda wondering if I could get away with putting the reveal of her being a ghost at the end, or is that still trying too hard to be clever? I know that under 1000 words means being more direct and more telling rather than showing, but I feel like saying she's a ghost at the beginning is like explaining a joke before you tell it. dude your story sucks. like, people are saying it's good in respect to it being some baseless interactions. you have no conflict, little action, just retrospectives and some character interactions that add up to nothing. if your whole story is "hey look this lady was a ghost the whole time" that's a boring rear end story that nobody will want to read. just say she's a ghost, then write about how the guy and her have to deal with some kind of conflict, and you can have an actual story. Like, why are you so obsessed with hiding what your ghost is? to me, that only shows that that's the thing you think the story is about and that's a bad loving idea. if the point of the story is some kind of reveal type thing where the reader is supposed to go "ohhhh she was a ghost the whole time!" that is not satisfying to read. it just feels like you made an obtuse story that goes haha, got you, i was just writing vaguely so you werent completely sure and didnt see the ghost coming and that is an awful story. don't do that. don't hide important information, give the readers what we need to know, aka, that she is a ghost. then write an actual loving story rather then your stupid vignette.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2015 21:14
|
|
|
mr meowzers posted:Hm. Kinda wondering if I could get away with putting the reveal of her being a ghost at the end, or is that still trying too hard to be clever? I know that under 1000 words means being more direct and more telling rather than showing, but I feel like saying she's a ghost at the beginning is like explaining a joke before you tell it. So this story is actually a joke?
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2015 22:12
|
|
|
There is a similar twist in The Sixth Sense. I'm going to hide it in spoiler tags, because not everyone has seen it: M. Night Shyamalan is actually a bad writer. What it does better than you was to make the story about something else (the boy's visions, the therapist's attempt to help him). Imagine if the Sixth Sense was just Bruce Willis and Haley Joel Osment sitting around watching terrible movies and then it goes PSYCHE, M. Night Shyamalan actually sucks. Would you stick around? No, of course you wouldn't. If you wanted to see somebody watch terrible movies you'd watch your own reflection during an M. Night Shyamalan marathon. But you don't because that's boring. Don't be boring. Instead, why not write an interesting story? I'll start you off with a good idea: there's a man, and his flatmate is a ghost girl. One of them wants something, but they can't have it. You can take it from here.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2015 23:09
|
|
|
mr meowzers posted:Hm. Kinda wondering if I could get away with putting the reveal of her being a ghost at the end, or is that still trying too hard to be clever? I know that under 1000 words means being more direct and more telling rather than showing, but I feel like saying she's a ghost at the beginning is like explaining a joke before you tell it. Don't put it at the end. Not because it's too clever, but because it's a bad ending. Dropping in the fact that she's a ghost makes so much more of the nonsense in that piece make sense, and it makes the fact that he's formed this relationship with her more meaningful. It doesn't add any of the conflict/resolution you need to make a complete story, but actually saying that she's a ghost leads to much more fertile ground for conflict. Speaking of bad twist endings, I just made an effortpost over in the Fiction Advice thread about why twist endings suck, which I will quote here. (This isn't specifically in response to you, more in response to all the CC stories I've read with twist endings that sucked.) Djeser posted:Twist Endings Suck
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2015 23:12
|
|
|
mr meowzers posted:Hm. Kinda wondering if I could get away with putting the reveal of her being a ghost at the end, or is that still trying too hard to be clever? I know that under 1000 words means being more direct and more telling rather than showing, but I feel like saying she's a ghost at the beginning is like explaining a joke before you tell it. Basically what this means is that your story doesn't have enough emotional impact to stand on its own, and so you have to withhold information to give it some sort of oomph at the end. Write a story that is satisfying without trickery.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2015 23:16
|
|
|
mr meowzers posted:Hm. Kinda wondering if I could get away with putting the reveal of her being a ghost at the end, or is that still trying too hard to be clever? I know that under 1000 words means being more direct and more telling rather than showing, but I feel like saying she's a ghost at the beginning is like explaining a joke before you tell it. This is not a clever idea, It's an amateur mistake. You're writing a story, not a joke.
|
|
#
?
Sep 17, 2015 09:53
|
|
|
An excerpt from my first attempt at writing a novel. This part is very early in the story: There is only one thing worse than suicide. Surviving a suicide. For the perpetrator, at least, because the people around will not hesitate to express how glad they are that he failed. What an odd behavior that is, to promote failure. For the one who attempted the suicide it is obviously a different story. There is no joy whatsoever. You just know you are so incompetent that you didn't even manage to kill yourself. The depression gets doubled, or tripled. You feel worse than when you started. Useless and helpless. To be fair, the body is very resilient. More so than it looks. And life has provided humans with many defense mechanisms to prevent death, self-inflicted or otherwise. Mechanisms that are buried deep down in our brains. Primal fears, mostly, of pain and loneliness. So killing yourself is not as easy of a task as it may initially seem. That said, when you are depressed, it is simply impossible to think like that. To be positive. Your own brain betrays you, logic stops working and you enter a downward spiral of self-destruction, even in the face of cold hard facts. I opened my eyes. The red was gone. All colors were gone in fact. Only darkness prevailed. And calm. That too. Absolute darkness and calm. I was laying inside what I made out to be a wooden box with silky linings. I caressed my wrists and felt a dry gash on each one of them. They didn't hurt anymore. I felt myself up and concluded I was wearing a suit. It was stiff and rough, causing a shiver to run down my spine. A dead, dried up flower came out of my chest pocket. I touched it lightly and it crumbled to dust. When I finally came to all of my senses, I screamed. Then I screamed again. And then some. My voice was coarse, unrecognizable from my real voice, as if my vocal cords were full of shrapnel and sand. It reminded me of Gregor Samsa, turning into a bug. Losing his ability to speak. But I was no bug. I still had arms and legs. Four, total. A head, a mouth, a nose, ears. My voice still pronounced real words. I was human. So aside from the strange voice we really had nothing in common. The voice and the segregation from the world. I clawed at the top of the box. I punched and kicked, each time striking with more force. I gave up shortly after, it was pointless, so I just laid there. Staring blankly into the nothingness that surrounded me, if that can even be considered 'staring.' It was peaceful, it was calm, but most of all, it was boring. Excruciatingly boring. My perception of time was completely messed up. My senses too. It seemed like it had only been a brief moment since I had been there, inside the bathtub. Bleeding. Painting the water in red, so to speak. With a dumb smile of relief. Not an actual physical smile, but one of those emotional smiles that you feel inside, when everything is poo poo but you just know everything will turn alright. When your mind tricks you into a false sense of relief. As far as my perception goes I had just been there moments ago, my consciousness fading away. I had been gone. But time moved forward without my permission. It had moved forward, and I was now stuck inside a wooden cage. Alive. “Is this Hell?” I yelled. Not surprisingly, there was no reply. Not even an echo. The box was too small for echoes. Too small for me. Too small for my thoughts even. How was a person supposed to think when he couldn't pace around? I would have to get used to it. It did not take long for my mind to enter a stream of consciousness state, swimming erratically through a sea of memories and thoughts; What I'd do if I were the president. How disappointing my 'last supper' was: a cold stale pizza. All the chores I left undone. If a mammoth would win a fight against a T-Rex. Very important stuff. Then I was re-watching a science show in my mind, where they talked about a condition that made people appear dead when they really weren’t. It's name escaped me, it was all hazy. I considered the possibility of having that; I had passed out after slashing my wrists, they assumed I was dead and buried me by mistake. That made sense. Definitely. Not that it would have made it any better, of course, for I was still trapped in there. Waiting for a slow, slow death. Maybe from dehydration. Or asphyxiation, more likely. But knowledge gave me comfort, even if it was all guesswork. Regardless, It's not like I, of all people, cared about survival. The only reason I was laying there in the first place was that I had attempted to kill myself. It would not change a thing. Not a single one. At that point all I had to do was to keep waiting. 
|
|
#
?
Sep 17, 2015 19:01
|
|
|
I read through it and while I don't have the energy for a full line crit, here's a few things I noticed: There's a lot of staccato sentence fragments and they make it more choppy than it should be. A lot of them are closer to punctuation errors, too. Your first line feels like it should be "There is only one thing worse than suicide: surviving a suicide." (As a note, I'd change the phrasing to say "worse than surviving a suicide" so the parallel construction works better.) Other places, it's just used for repetition in a way that could be cut without losing anything. There's a lot of unfocused musing too, especially in the first paragraph. "What an odd behavior that is," and stuff like that, that's all just vague conjecture. There's other places where you use too many words to say something that's more effective in a shorter form. "So killing yourself is not as easy of a task as it may initially seem." -> "Killing yourself isn't as easy as it seems." This goes for a lot of sentences, there's plenty of word cruft to cut. "Only darkness prevailed. And calm. That too." Cut out "that too," entirely redundant. Things are at least getting a bit more grounded in character and action here. The thing about an emotional smile I felt was good, it felt real and experiential while also being pretty novel. Mammoth versus dino fight is a little monkeycheese for something that's supposed to be a very emotional sort of scene, it undercuts a lot of the mood that's been set up. It ends on an interesting idea, the fact that someone who's killed themselves and been buried alive would want to just stay there is a decent inversion of the 'waking up in a coffin' stock plot. Unfortunately, it does also mean that your character's chosen to do nothing by the end, which is kind of boring. Overall, there's some good ideas in there, but it really needs you to go in with a weed whacker and cut back a lot of that overgrown prose that's bogging down the point. It's fine to let characters take time to think, but thinking should be balanced out with doing to make the thinking relevant, and your character here doesn't do a whole lot, so I'm hoping there's more doing coming up after this point.
|
|
#
?
Sep 17, 2015 23:21
|
|
|
If it were a short story I'd be frowning, but as the beginning of a novel this is pretty ok, I guess? I want to know what happens next, you have good words, the character is blandish but well-sketched. Good hook.
|
|
#
?
Sep 17, 2015 23:33
|
|
|
Thanks, that's all great advice. I will go back and review my wording and punctuation to make it flow better. I guess I get caught too much in how it sounds rather than how it reads. As for what happens later, he stays there for a little while (one small chapter) and then there is a flood, which allows him to break free. He finds another person who's been buried alive and they set out to find what happened and why.
|
|
#
?
Sep 18, 2015 00:26
|
|
|
So here is chapter 1 of a short science fiction novella I'm working on. Please tell me how I suck so I can not suck anymore. ---- John Doe: Chapter 1 (1095 words) And then John was falling without warning or explanation. The change was so sudden and dramatic that he didn't even have the chance to properly panic. He briefly considered screaming but his face met the business end of a coffee table before he was able. John lay motionless on the floor for several seconds before reaching for his face to assess the damage. Against all odds he was perfectly fine. Which was... unexpected to say the least. He sat up and surveyed the place he now found himself in. It appeared to be an expensive but tastefully decorated hotel room. Across the room, what loosely resembled a young man in his late teens sat at a desk in nothing but boxers, his face a mask of utter horror. “Um... Hello.” John finally said after a long silence. “Who the hell are you!?” it barked at him. John tried his best not to stare. The thing looked human but only in the loosest sense of the term. It had a head that was too large, legs that were too short and impossible hair that was a wild mix of blues and greens. It looked to be all of three feet tall. “Uhhh... John.” The answer seemed to insult it. “Do you think you’re funny or something!?” the thing said as it stood up and raised a hand. A glowing display appeared before it and hoovered in the air as the boy pushed a few buttons on it's surface. Seconds later his boxers were replaced with a dark pair of slacks, industrial looking work boots, and a sleeveless shirt with the number “057“ prominently displayed on the back. “You shouldn't be here.” it said. ”What’s your game anyway? You some kind of bored session phreak?” John's eyes widened. “Um… I’m not entirely... sure. I... How did you do that thing with your hand just now?” “You will not like the way I react to playing dumb.” the tiny person said clenching a fist. “I don’t know!” John insisted. “One minute I’m talking with the professor, next thing I know I’m in the air and on my way to building a close personal relationship with your table over there!” He looked to see the damage he’d done to the room but found it perfectly intact. Also unexpected. The thing raised an eyebrow “So you teleported here… from a college class?”. There was something odd in the way he asked the question. “A lab actually. You know, for extra credit. But I guess so?” John stood and dusted himself off only to realize that it was his turn to be the one only wearing boxers. “Pretty sure I was wearing pants when I left though…” He decided to change the subject. “What are you anyways?” It threw its hands in the air “Oh! The random naked college weirdo is going to act like I’m the freak now! My name is Atom, by the way.” “Why not!?” John said defensively “You look like you’re from some kind of-.” Suddenly everything clicked into place all at once. It was obvious when John stopped to think about it. “What? What do I look like?” it said looking hurt ”You trying to pick a fight now!?” the creature named Atom asked but John ignored him as he looked around the room for something to confirm his suspicions. He spotted glass flower vase sitting in the corner that would do nicely. John walked past Atom, picked it up, and carried it over to a nearby window. Outside flying cars floated in and out of an alien cityscape, a revelation that didn’t surprise him in the least. “Get back here! What are you doing!?” it asked again. “Testing a hypothesis.” John said, and then threw the vase at the window with every ounce of his strength. The vase bounced off of the window and ricocheted off several walls with such force that John and the boy had to duck repeatedly to avoid being hit in the face. “Ha! I was right!” John shouted. “This is a computer isn’t it?” The boy's – no, the computer generated representation of a boy's face went pale. “This must be what that experiment was going to be. Some kind of… extreme virtual reality simulation. Probably fried my brain on the way in so I don’t remember actually doing it.” John said grabbing the boy’s face and taking a closer look at his impossibly detailed head of hair. ”It all feels so real, I wouldn’t even have realized if you weren’t here.” Even now, knowing what to look for, the room felt so real it was uncanny. There was some variation in quality here and there but for the most part every object looked as solid and sturdy as it's real-world counterpart. “Stop that.” Atom said grabbing one of John’s hands and pulling if off of his face with a surprising amount of strength. John realized he must look like an rear end. “Oh! Sorry! Are you another lab rat like me? I didn’t mean to be rude but I guess I- OH MY GOD it's actually soft!” John said, pressing his hand against the fabric of a nearby bed. There must have been some intense programming involved in making something this sophisticated. Atom studied him for a time. “You said you’re… John?” The miniature person’s eyes widened. “Oh hell.” He brought up his display again and hit another few buttons. The futuristic piece of technology folded into itself several times until it was a simple flat black box no more than a few inches long. John realized after a moment that it was supposed to be a phone. Atom placed the device against his ear and waited for someone to answer. “Damnit!” he finally said, throwing the device aside. It vanished before it got more than a few feet. “Um. Are you OK?” John asked. “No. They're blocking my calls.” he said, shifting nervously. “It means the game’s already started. I think they intend for you to be my partner” John was suddenly terribly aware that he was in a hotel room. The thought must have shown on John's face. “What? No you colossal wank! Listen.” Atom said looking John square in the eyes. ”I won’t have time to explain much so you’re just going to have to trust me and roll with what I’m about to tell you. You’re not entirely wrong, but try to forget about all that for now.” “What? Why would I-?” “Because.” Atom interrupted. “If you and I don't get moving right now we're both going to die.”
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2015 08:04
|
|
|
Well, I'll give it a shot. This is the first time I do this so take it with a grain of salt. -I like that it starts in the middle of the action but don't tell us what he was going to do but didn't, tell us what he actually does and how he reacts. You can still keep that sense of interruption. quote:Against all odds he was perfectly fine. quote:Across the room, what loosely resembled a young man in his late teens sat at a desk in nothing but boxers, his face a mask of utter horror. -Avoid using "seemed", "appeared", "realized" and that kind of word whenever possible. Sometimes you can jump straight to the sentence or you could just display what happens instead of telling us about it. Instead of "The answer seemed to insult it" it could be as simple as "The answer insulted it." quote:“One minute I’m talking with the professor, next thing I know I’m The "unexpected" is already obvious. quote:Suddenly everything clicked into place all at once. It was obvious when John stopped to think about it. quote:The boy's – no, the computer generated representation of a boy's face went pale. quote:Even now, knowing what to look for, the room felt so real it was uncanny. quote:
It needs some tightening up in a couple parts but it seems like it is off to a good start.
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2015 16:07
|
|
|
Good crit.
|
|
#
?
Sep 26, 2015 10:22
|
|
|
Thanks Chern! I appreciate the feedback.
|
|
#
?
Sep 26, 2015 21:03
|
|
|
The intro needs some work. Active voice in this kind of story can be really helpful. Here is an example: John fell without warning or explanation. He couldn’t properly panic about the change. He considered screaming only to meet face first the business end of a coffee table. The word "was" is passive, it doesn't lead the reader into the action. Also, leading in with "And then" only confuses me as reader. What happened before? What were the series of events that occurred before this? I haven't read the previous chapter, so I'm left wondering what is going on. I hope this helps.
|
|
#
?
Oct 12, 2015 00:47
|
|
|
Working on backlog of audio book style critique:
tango alpha delta fucked around with this message at 05:22 on Oct 14, 2015 |
|
#
?
Oct 13, 2015 21:29
|
|
|
The audiolog begins a little awkward at first. I couldn't tell if your commentary was part of the story itself. Anyway, the intro is a little weak, but your story becomes better as it goes along. I really like the description of the girl. You seem to know where the shortcomings in your story are and how to improve them. Good job on your story so far.
|
|
#
?
Oct 15, 2015 02:51
|
|
|
Here is my crappy action scene, and I hope you goons enjoy. I appreciate any and all feedback towards making this story better. I just wanted to write a random action scene and see how to make it exciting. Warning: somewhat graphic and vulgar. Words: 514. Mad Dog confronts Red Baron in his apartment 20 stories above the concrete. The setting sun gives the entire apartment a sepia tone to it. Red Baron, tall and intimidating with his red bandana, leans back on a counter calling bullshit on Slim Jim’s carjacking exploits. Slim Jim’s thinner than a piece of paper and consistently evades the police. Cracker Jack sits staring out the window at the sunset, whiter and pastier than the Pillsbury Doughboy, and weaker too. Red Baron notices a smelly, short, son of a bitch with greasy hair and sharp teeth in his home. “The hell you want Mad Dog”, growls Red Baron. Slim Jim’s eyebrows narrow. Cracker Jack turns his head. “I’m gonna kill you and your loving goons,” Mad Dog replies bluntly. “I’m gonna take out skinny and white bread too here. None of you are truly hard enough to take me out, and I want to prove it. If you cowards aren’t coming after me, than I’m coming after you, and now I’m here. I’m loving bulletproof.” Red Baron grins. “Okay Mad Dog”, he replies sarcastically. “I want you to meet my Thunderstick. She doubts you’re actually bulletproof.” Red Baron quickly draws his glock and opens fire, but not before Mad Dog borrows Cracker Jack and uses him as a meat shield. POW POW POW Red Baron stands agape staring into Cracker Jack’s fading eyes. Three holes in Cracker Jack’s chest continuously ooze blood. Mad Dog hurls Cracker Jack’s body at Red Baron, knocking him to the floor. His glock gets knocked out of his hand. In the same instant, Slim Jim takes action. Slim Jim rushes Mad Dog, pulling out a switch blade as he charges Mad Dog. He isn’t quick enough to dodge Mad Dog as he grabs his arm, chomping into it. In a yelp of pain, Slim Jim drops his switch blade. Mad Dog takes the blade and repeatedly shivs Slim Jim in the stomach, covering Mad Dog in blood. Slim Jim collapses with the knife still sticking out of him. Mad Dog rushes and picks up the glock before Red Baron rises. Red Baron finds his Thunderstick shoved right against his forehead. He only stares at Mad Dog’s twisted expression, blood smeared all over his awkward figure. “I like your Thunderstick,” smiles Mad Dog. “Makes me feel macho. She doubts that you’re actually bulletproof.” Mad Dog pumps lead into Red Baron’s kneecaps, watching him wither in pain. Mad Dog drags Red Baron to the window. “Watch that loving beautiful sun,” exclaims Mad Dog eagerly. “Enjoy the slow ride down.” Mad Dog throws Red Baron out the window. For a moment, the adrenaline rush is magical. This is what he lives for. Red Baron plummets like a rock to meet body first the hood of a car. He crushes the car under his weight, setting off a parade of car alarms all around the block. Red Baron’s lifeless expression greets the twilight sky. Mad Dog looks down with a bloody smile, and then the rush fades. His expression becomes blank.
|
|
#
?
Oct 20, 2015 03:18
|
|
|
quote:Red Baron stands agape staring into Cracker Jack’s fading eyes. Three holes in Cracker Jack’s chest continuously ooze blood. Mad Dog hurls Cracker Jack’s body at Red Baron, knocking him to the floor. His glock gets knocked out of his hand. quote:
quote:Slim Jim In a more general sense the narration feels a bit too stiff in some places, like a robot going through a list of things: "This happens. That happens. This is like this. Such and such." You can probably remove/change some punctuation and combine some sentences to make them more fluid. All in all I think it is pretty solid.
|
|
#
?
Oct 23, 2015 16:31
|
|
|
Thanks for the feedback Chernabog. Are there any resources you can recommend that helps remove my robotic voice narration? I have a hard time telling and not showing.
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2015 04:46
|
|
|
I don't really know of any resources off the top of my head, just find some authors who use the present tense and see what they do. For whatever it's worth I don't think your problem is telling instead of showing, but rather in the how you are doing it. Everything feels segmented, like you are going: "Fact. (Stop) Fact. (stop) Fact. (stop)" It shouldn't feel like a lawyer going through a crime scene, it should feel more natural. Here's an example: quote:Original: In short, make the sentences feel more connected to each other instead of a series of unrelated events. As a side note, I just noticed that you introduce MD right away but he doesn't do anything until a paragraph later. You should either hold off on introducing him or make it clear that we are experiencing the scene through his eyes. Chernabog fucked around with this message at 18:45 on Oct 26, 2015 |
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2015 18:43
|
|
|
Chernabog posted:Good examples these rewrites are 100% better - a very good example of fixing the extremely robotic feeling prose. You have a lot of characters in such a short space- maybe cutting the number in half would mean you don't have to keep repeating their names over and over? Chernabog's examples show a couple of other basic mistakes - "Exclaims MD eagerly" here you're making two at once - using book-saidisms and adverbs. Googling should be able to find some information on why these are bad and how to avoid them.
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2015 22:34
|
|
|
newtestleper posted:Chernabog's examples show a couple of other basic mistakes - "Exclaims MD eagerly" here you're making two at once - using book-saidisms and adverbs. Googling should be able to find some information on why these are bad and how to avoid them. That's a good point  Here's more info I dug up on that topic: http://malcolm-wood.com/Saidisms.html
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2015 22:43
|
|
|
Chernabog posted:All in all I think it is pretty solid. i think I disagree with this, it's all in all super dumb and cliche. moved by this opinion i did a drunk reading for you i will allow your action camera eye is ok; you clearly know what the focus of attention is at each point, so keep on trying. e: fixed link sebmojo fucked around with this message at 03:55 on Oct 28, 2015 |
|
#
?
Oct 28, 2015 02:02
|
|
|
newtestleper posted:Crits for Pham Nuwen and Guiness13 Rather than clutter up the Dome, I thought I'd post my edit here. I'd be grateful for any thoughts, and would be happy to take a look at your own if you want to post it. Flicker 242 words Removed for sub. Final version is here https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xwHva3lhqfJy19pvzuTMPpYV21ZHKGi8C7dGvoMS3nA/edit?usp=sharing Guiness13 fucked around with this message at 19:43 on Nov 5, 2015 |
|
#
?
Nov 4, 2015 03:59
|
|
|
Guiness13 posted:Rather than clutter up the Dome, I thought I'd post my edit here. I'd be grateful for any thoughts, and would be happy to take a look at your own if you want to post it. At first I thought this would be a cute nostalgic Christmas with a cool dad, but then you scared me. quote:Jack woke late. He opened his eyes and winced at the buzz in his head. The kitchen was still. The stove was cold, the percolator sat empty. He fixed a bowl of cereal and ate, waiting for the creaks and groans of the floorboards upstairs. This caused a chill to run through my spine
|
|
#
?
Nov 16, 2015 04:07
|
|
|
Thanks! Glad you liked it!
|
|
#
?
Nov 16, 2015 05:29
|
|
|
Thanks for the advice goons. I really appreciate your feedback. I hope this new story is better than last time. Still feels a little melodramatic. Words: 503. Griselda climbed a steep slope up the mountainside and into a small cavern. She removed her heavy coat and sat down. The winter winds howled outside, but she ignored it. She used her coat as a pillow and rested. Inside the cave, a hole descended deeper into the darkness. Griselda stared at the hole. A wave of warmth emitted from the hole, followed by a bright orange light and a scream. Afterwards, a munching sound echoed throughout the cavern. Griselda rose, approached the hole, and descended into a large chamber. She focused on the sleeping creature in front of her. Bones of cattle littered the floor, and Griselda stepped over some ashes. The gray beast resembled a snake curled into itself to sleep. Its wings covered the beast as it napped. “Ganeshka, wake up!” Griselda yelled. A blue eye opened up and stared at her. “Who are you?” it asked. “Griselda. I want to talk to you.” The second eyelid opened. “What do you want?” “I want you to stop attacking my town.” Griselda heard a rumble in Ganeshka’s throat. “I never attacked the town’s citizens. I only fed on its livestock.” “Is that your excuse?” Griselda crossed her arms. “I come from a family of farmers, and last winter we nearly starved thanks to you.” Ganeska raised his head. “I need to eat, and you farmers provide a nice source of meats. You need a stronger reason to convince me.” Griselda glanced at the exit. “I didn’t come alone.” “What do you mean?” “A war party is on its way to kill you. I scouted ahead to determine your location. If you don’t stop attacking the town, they will kill you unless you flee.” “Why should I flee?” “I can’t imagine you’re strong enough to fight them all off.” She stood firm. “What makes you think they can kill me?” “Um…” Griselda back pedaled. “They have swords and war bows capable of piercing your skin. They have archers and skilled warriors climbing the mountainside as we speak. There are a hundred men, mercenaries and townsfolk, who are approaching your cavern right now.” The beast stomped one of his legs. “Who is their leader?” “Uh, Jack Blueburn. His party will destroy you unless you leave my town alone. “What human names their kid Blueburn?” Griselda shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. Regardless, he sent me here to negotiate with you if possible.” The behemoth lifted the rest of his body. “So you’re telling me Jack sent you ahead as a negotiator, alone, without any support?” “Yes. I am negotiating with you to leave my town alone.” “You said earlier you were scouting ahead to find my lair. Now you tell me you’re a diplomat.” The color drained out of Griselda’s face. “I-” “- think you’re lying to me.” “But…” The dragon bared its fangs at Griselda. “You aren’t very clever, Griselda. You should know better trying to trick a creature like me.” The creature engulfed the whole chamber in flames.
|
|
#
?
Jan 3, 2016 18:37
|
|
|
So, I have some questions. Why, if she's scouting out the dragon's lair, does she stop and rest when she gets there? And then confront the dragon? And then go ahead and warn the dragon and tell him who's in charge? Or was the whole story made up and she just stumbled upon the dragon and started bullshitting? Also, this doesn't really feel like a complete story. At least, not a satisfying one. We have the world's worst forward scout screwing up and dying, and at the end, I don't care. There's a kernel of a good idea here, a woman hurrying ahead of the army to try to convince the dragon to leave. We just need a compelling reason why she wants to do that and why we should care.
|
|
#
?
Jan 3, 2016 21:27
|
|
|
You mentioned working on narrative voice, so I'm going to do a line critique and let you know where the tone works or doesn't.The Witness posted:Griselda climbed a steep slope up the mountainside and into a small cavern. She removed her heavy coat and sat down. The winter winds howled outside, but she ignored it. She used her coat as a pillow and rested. This feels like a rough concept of a story, and I like the reasoning with the beast trope in fantasy, but there's so little actual character or motivation here that it doesn't feel like it's got a plot, it's just an open space you could squeeze a couple different plots into.
|
|
#
?
Jan 3, 2016 23:00
|
|
dragon 
bared its fangs at Griselda. “You aren’t very clever, Griselda. You should know better trying to trick a creature like me.”
engulfed the whole chamber in flames. And then it just ends, but the problem is that now I have absolutely zero idea what her motivations were at all. Why was she lying to the dragon? What was the truth? Because I don't know why she was doing this, I can't really feel bad. The distance that your prose kept from Griselda's thoughts and feelings meant that I couldn't identify with her as a character, and it makes the whole 'I see through your lies' thing harder for me, the reader, because now I literally don't know what's true about her. All I know for sure is that a girl died to a dragon. I mean, if she's some kind of rogue trying to steal the dragon's treasure, which is never mentioned so wouldn't make sense but ANYWAY. If she's trying to trick the dragon, then you'd need at the very least a scene at the beginning that establishes what the truth is (in the rogue example, she stashes all her roguin' gear and puts on some peasant clothes, so we know she's putting on an act), or to reveal that she's trying to trick it through internal monologue, or something.
|
Thank you all for the feedback. Do any of you have resources for helping write sensory details and dialogue like the Saidisms link?
|
|
#
?
Jan 5, 2016 01:52
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 28, 2024 21:28 |
|
|
The Witness posted:Thank you all for the feedback. Do any of you have resources for helping write sensory details and dialogue like the Saidisms link? read things with sensory details and dialogue
|
|
#
?
Jan 5, 2016 02:32
|
|