- Minister Robathan
- Jan 3, 2007
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The Alien Leader of Transportation
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My questions are in bold but I think most people get that at this point. Admittedly, this is primarily from a readers perspective.
I've been threatening to inflict myself upon this thread for weeks. Here's my reworked Thunderdome entry, though it's slightly over the word limit now.
Tensegrity
Kasey’s glance shot from his ruined bike to his watch and back. He was doing his best to keep it together but the plan was falling apart before it had even unfurled. All his thoughts ran together as he tried to cope. cope with ...what? I'm intrigued
The minute hand moved forward a half-circle; he could see Claire’s train pulling in, the Customs officers hauling her off the platform. He’d be running, sweaty, covered in grit but still blocks away from where he had to be. Or maybe he’d be stuck in a crowded bus or getting maced by a cabbie after he stiffed the bill. Ok, cool, I think I get it now
There was no time to cut the locks on the other bikes. He didn’t even own a grinder. There was no time, period. He tightened the duffel bag across his shoulders, breathed in, and broke into a run. Wait, what? I can accept this, though
Claire tightened her grip on her handbag, hands clammy with sweat. Her molars ached: she’d been grinding her teeth. Her heel tapped the cardboard box beneath the seat. No. Can't draw attention to the box,What box? I have an idea, but it hasn't been introduced yet. I'm thinking I missed something can't even think about it. They'd see it in her face, they could see these things. Kasey’s words ran through her head as the train’s clatter slowed with every passing moment.
“There are three parts to any good plan: the Ruse, the Swindle and the Exit.” Kasey had seemed so sure of himself. She would never have agreed otherwise.
“They’ll never suspect you’re up to somethin’. You wear one of those sundresses a’yours, you get all nervous when they ask for your passport and you’ll be golden. You’re like so low on the watch list you’d get away with murder.” cool, ties everything together
For the most part, he’d been right. No one at the station gave her any trouble. No one really seemed to care. Now, outside, the suburbs grew denser. The streets were getting busier, there was less green. They were cutting towards the heart of the city. She checked her watch. this seems backwards to me
Kasey was four blocks in, still running. No more time for dicking around.why? Seems right to me He scanned the sidewalk trying to tie things together. Someone was plugging a parking meter, a beggar plucked at a guitar, a lady with a stroller looked into a boutique, some guy was about to chain his bike to a pole. Kasey could almost felt a plan fall into place.
“Hey! That guy stole my wallet!” So what? Most people wouldn't react
Heads turned; Kasey was already moving, using those few seconds of confusion to tackle the guy with the bike. Before the guy could pick himself up Kasey was already weaving through traffic. Honestly, I don't see why any one would care
Everything was a blur now. He kept his eyes on the thin strip of pavement between the parked cars and the moving traffic. A rusted out Toyota veered in too close; he could feel the heat coming off the hood. He kicked at the fender and flipped them the bird; a costly mistake.it's a bike in traffic, in any city I've been in, everyone thinks the cyclist is a dick Some old guy took the moment to open the door of his Lincoln just up ahead. Kasey pressed on the brakes. Nothing, they were shot. He’d never scrub enough speed. The old guy was leaning on the door, pulling himself out, his pace was glacial. There was nowhere to go. No free ‘crete anywhere but the sidewalks. Or maybe…
“gently caress it!”
Kasey pulled across the lane, hoping the Toyota was keeping back. Car horns went off all around as he hauled rear end down the median, bent over his bars like he was winning the Tour de gently caress I think I;m missing a reference. He blew through a fresh red at the next lights, car horns going off again again. He counted blocks now, redrawing the route in his head. No time to check his watch, but he knew it was going to be close. cool
Claire pressed herself against the window. seems, like strange jump, because I don't really know Claire He was supposed to be waiting on the other end of the bridge, and the locomotive was already disappearing into the arching steel latticework. Her mouth was dry, her heart was pounding. It had to work. She slid the window open and fished the yellow kerchief from her purse. admittedly, this ties in well, you've done a good job tying them together, but I still feel I don't know why.
He ditched the bike behind the sickly shrubs at the embankment’s base. and now we're changing back to our regular pov after one paragraph The scream of steel on steel let him know the train had cleared the bridge and was pulling into the final curve that would bring it into the station. Claire had said her car was somewhere near the middle. He bolted up the grassy slope.
Hanging onto a girder with one hand, he leaned in as close to the train as he could. The smell of hot grease and diesel made it hard to breathe. He tensed as the cars passed, each pocket of air almost knocking him off balance.
There - a flash of yellow at the other end of the bridge. He blinked and it was gone. He fixated on that car. It was coming up fast. Everything seemed to stop as he kept his eyes locked on the one open window.
Close now. So close. He leaned over as far as he could, one hand outstretched. He could touch the endless stream of steel and rivets if he wanted. There she was, leaning out, the box in her hands and an uncertain look on her face. sounds like the train the tain is going fast
His fingers connected with the box, sliding across its surface and missing the twine that kept it shut. She’d already let go. The box was in free fall, the heavy end making it tumble towards the tracks. Her hands reached down, swatting the empty air as the train took her away. so he missed
He was still on it. He kicked off the girder, eyes locked on the small brown parcel. ok Arms outstretched, he grazed the sides of the box with his palms. He brought it in close, pressing it to his chest and taking the fall with his shoulder.ok, I'm down The roar of steel on steel was deafening, his shoulder ached where he’d connected with the rail tie.oh no, he lost whatever he was grabbing He rolled off the bridge and slid down the embankment, the box tucked away in his duffel no, this doesn't make sense to me. How did he grab it, much less get it to a safe place?. He left the bike where it lay and started the walk home without a second glance. cool dudes don't look at explosions. Seriously, this is pretty cool, but I don't get most of the last paragraph.
Back at his apartment Kasey cracked a cold one. Claire was asleep in his bed, and Mr. Whiskers had finally shaken off the sedatives. Well, enough to pull himself out of the box and over to a bowl of food, anyway. ...wait, why was the cat on sedatives? Was he in the box?
Ok, I feel this is really harsh on a story I liked. Reading it the first time felt exciting, but the second, third time just felt like i had no idea what was going on. I'm more trying to give my thoughts as I go than trying to get you to change anything, because my first time through this just felt.. cool. If this was an action sequence in a novel, where I knew the plan going in, I would probably be more forgiving, bu right now I just feel like I'm missing too much to actually like it.
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Feb 20, 2013 05:52
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May 14, 2024 13:11
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- Minister Robathan
- Jan 3, 2007
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The Alien Leader of Transportation
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Thank God 'cause that'd be a hell of a rework.
So it's okay if I focus on keeping this action-oriented and keep the character stuff for another time? I understand the need for background information, but I lifted the setting from something entirely unrelated. I'm really more concerned with the clarity in the transitions and that the action makes sense. If it's any consolation I'll post the larger work when it's not a train wreck.
Yeah, I think this is fair. Like I said, my biggest problems simply weren't there the first time I read it, it's only after I went back to try to find stuff that I really had problems. Also, I apparently completely missed the first time the box was introduced, but that's on me.
It's definitely a good read, and as part of a larger piece I think any holes in it could be 100% closed.
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Feb 22, 2013 04:25
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Feb 20, 2013 05:52
