Noah posted:

This is a story I wrote for thunderdome, that I really liked and would want to send it out in the future. I'll also get in a crit for someone as soon as they post it.

I'll see you again one day, old spice.

Word count: 750

Archie sat in his wheelchair at the top of the grassy hill and slapped his helmet.

“Okay, now just let go,” Archie said.

“I’m really having second thoughts about this,” Douglas said.

“If I crash I won’t feel a thing.”

Douglas knew Archie was smiling. He couldn’t see his face from where he stood behind the wheelchair, but he could hear it in the sound of his voice. Douglas remembered that sound from the first day he heard it, nearly-drowned in mud and muck in a Vietnamese jungle. Ambush, landmines, grenades, bullets, screaming, so much screaming. Archie tackled Douglas. Blood was coming through Archie’s teeth. Archie snapped out of it. Who's snapping out of what here? Did you mix up names? Also I think you're using names too much, you can drop Douglas for him a few times since you're being consistent with the narrator.

“Are you alright?” He remembered shouting. I don't think you need a capital letter here for he.

“I don’t feel a thing,” Archie laughed. He had tears in his eyes. This would work better as "Archie laughed, tears in his eyes."

“Hey, let go,” Archie said, fighting with his wheels.

“You’re going to flip over and break your neck,” Douglas said.

”No I won’t, I put all the weights I could in the backpack to act as a counterbalance,” he said, reaching behind his back and using his thumb to point at the backpack strapped to the back of the chair.

“You dirty son of a bitch,” Douglas said. Douglas, who had never let go of his Army routine, had stayed in shape throughout his retirement years, but even he had struggled to push Archie to the top of the hill. “I knew I wasn’t out of shape.” Again, too much Douglas.

Douglas leaned forward over the back of the wheelchair, using Archie’s shoulders as a rest. Archie’s Old Spice deodorant filled his nose, a mixture of nostalgia and regret wafting about. Archie reached up and stroked the hair on the back of Douglas’s head near his neck. Douglas took two more deep breaths and pushed himself upright.

Douglas stood there behind Archie at a military ball some time after they had been shipped back. They were both dressed in their formals, watching couples slow dance across the floor. Archie drank from a flask, Douglas stayed dry.

“Go and dance,” Archie said. Douglas shook his head. There was no way he was going to go and dance in front of Archie, taunting him and rubbing the question, Why me, in Archie’s face, Douglas thought. Truth be told there was no good reason why Douglas should walk and Archie shouldn’t.This is awkward but I've only had a cup of coffee and I have no suggestions for how to make it less awkward. Basic message is fine, just needs to be tinkered with. Douglas even wondered if the thought plagued himself more so than it did Archie. He would stay up all night with only those thoughts and the smell of Old Spice next to him.

“Come on, you pussy, let go,” Archie said, beginning to sound annoyed.

“I’m trying to enjoy the view just a little longer before the ambulance arrives,” Douglas said.

Douglas loved Archie, there was no doubt about that. But there was a hidden guilt that kept Douglas around, he liked to think. If Archie hadn’t been shot, they wouldn’t be together, he was positive. They would still be friends, write to each other, but they would have moved on and found another, more perfect partner to be with. Douglas wanted to convince himself of that, that there was someone more perfect for Archie, because then he wouldn’t be an imposter. I like this sentiment but I feel like the sentences could be swapped around more to reduce comma pauses. "If Archie hadn't been shot, he was positive they wouldn't be together."

He would give anything, everything, his legs, medals, to throw off his disguise and tell Archie, I love you, but I’m not in love with you. Then Archie would breath a sigh of relief and laugh and say, that’s okay, I’m not in love with you either. They would shake hands, and even though they were both old and bony, they would have a whole new life left to live. This is good. Lotta pain coming through these words.

“Alright, enough monkeying around, are you going to let me go, or not?”

“I’m scared,” Douglas said.

Archie put his hand on Douglas’s and rubbed it softly. Archie turned in his chair and looked up at Douglas.

“Dougie, please, just let me go,” Archie said. He had tears in his eyes. Douglas flashed back to Archie laying on top of him in Vietnam, tears in his eyes. “I don’t feel a thing,” reverberated through Douglas’s head. He let go. Archie’s chair lurched forward slowly before taking a steeper angle.

The chair plunged down the hill, skipping off lumps in the grass and clattering away. Douglas’s stomach fell and he panicked.

“Archie!” He shouted. Douglas took off after him, his knees and shins aching as he raced down the hill. Douglas’s tears streaked the sides of his face, wetting the edges of his mask; it peeled away in strips and floated away into the sky. Nice ending.