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Blarggy posted:Scene from a currently unnamed novel, 1016 words. Feels very formal and detached. I get the impression that we're hearing a disinterested narrator describing events rather than experiencing them from the perspective of the protagonist. Phrases like "a biology test in first period, one he feared he might not pass as he had done no studying the previous night" and "thick concrete pillars, stone floors and brick pavers, were now shattering like so much glass and flying through the air, mostly in his direction" really take us out of the action. It's like we're getting a commentary from outside. If you used shorter sentences and more immediate language it would help to keep us in the moment, with the protagonist. And if we're supposed to be getting the story from the perspective of a teenager then the word choices are really odd. What teenager uses words like "deftly", "faux" or "discern", even in their own thoughts? Or is this supposed to be someone else telling the story? If so, there's not enough of the narrator. It feels like an old man telling a story about himself but for some reason he's a teenager at the same time.
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Feb 15, 2013 15:07
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Blarggy posted:As for the character not being named, that was by design in that I wasn't even sure what his name would be. I actually had chosen Tobias in the early stages of planning; seriously. So that was a little freaky. Many instances of 'he' will be switched to Travis now, as I'm pretty sure I decided on his name You know you can just use a placeholder name for people or things you haven't decided on, right? Like, call him Tobias until you decide if you want to use that or something else. You don't just avoid using his name in the story to put off having to choose a name. Blarggy posted:This scene was originally intended to be about twice or three times as long, as the first chapter in the book it would set the stage, the main character, etc, but not develop any characterization until he woke up later on. You want to have an entire chapter in which the reader doesn't discover anything about the character or personality of the protagonist? That sounds terrible. You really want the audience to get a good working understanding of the protagonist very early on, to put events in the right context. Once we know who he is we can relate that to what's happening. Unless your protagonist is supposed to be mysterious, of course, but I don't get the impression that that's what you're going for. Blarggy posted:Having said that, I really should have just wrote it out and posted it somewhere else, but in this form it happened to be about 1000 words so I settled and decided to post it in this thread instead of writing out everything I wanted to in the introduction and making my own thread. Given how much you have to work on, posting short bits like this is probably your best option. Blarggy posted:That's also the reason for the almost forced descriptions, as an introduction to the characters I generally go a bit overboard describing what they look like when really I should just give an outline in a more natural way. If you know you have these problems, the next step is to catch yourself doing it, stop, and fix it. If you find you've written a paragraph about someone's clothes, stop, delete it and move on.
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Feb 15, 2013 16:28
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Mike Works posted:The Place I Was Before (504 words) I found this really opaque, largely because I don't know what "Kokanees" or "O’Doul’s" are. Someone is an alcoholic, is that right? Is it the mother or the son? Or the father? Also, the one thing that really stood out to me was the phrase "the dew drops fall like beehives" because I have no idea what that is supposed to mean. Plank posted:Toben [734 words] I was with you up until someone cut the ropes with an arrow. It's a bit too Men in Tights.
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Feb 22, 2013 15:05
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A Battle For the Ages (245 words) My opponent was fast and cunning, and all through dinner he goaded me ceaselessly. Twice I got up to confront him, only to find him vanished, nowhere to be found. I let him escape for the time being, more intent on eating. After dinner I was ready to let the matter rest, but the bastard returned. I heard him to my left and turned, only to hear him retreating behind me. I spun around — he was gone. I got up to follow, then heard him to my right. I was quick, but he was quicker still, gone again before I could catch sight of him. I picked up my weapon. Still no sign of the enemy, so I sat down and waited. Soon he made his presence known once more. Moving quickly I blasted at his retreating back. Had I missed, or was he crawling off to die? No way to be sure, so I followed. I stood in silence, listening for the faintest sound of my foe. There it was! He'd got behind me again! Back and forth, around and around I chased him, spraying wildly at the slightest glimpse, always a step behind. Finally I found him at rest. He flew, but slowly. At least one of my attacks must have hit the mark. I pursued relentlessly, hitting him several more times. At last he lay dying. I hit him with one more blast, then went to get a tissue. loving flies.
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Mar 12, 2013 14:34
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Phil Moscowitz posted:I laughed at the payoff, but I figured out where it was going too soon. If you hold off with the "dinner" stuff you can lead us along a little more. Something like this? Tiggum posted:My opponent was fast and cunning, and all through the evening he goaded me ceaselessly. Twice I got up to confront him, only to find him vanished, nowhere to be found. I let him escape for the time being.
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Mar 14, 2013 04:04
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GiveUpNed posted:Here is a short story I wrote guys. Please tear it to pieces. I want to improve as a writer. I'm not sure it's possible to improve on this. It's already a perfect example of "so bad it's good". GiveUpNed posted:John’s upper cheek dripped with sweat; salty tracks formed on his face as liquid bubbled from his forehead, expelled downwards by gravity, his face distorted by stress. This opening sentence in particular is a masterpiece. Liquid bubbled from his forehead. My god. GiveUpNed posted:It was a log-cabin on the outskirts of Kelowna, Ontario. An aching desert of snow circled the cabin, tall Birch trees flickering alongside the clearings outer edge. I also love how the trees are apparently on fire but it has no bearing on anything. That's great! GiveUpNed posted:The trees drowned the sun. The cabin stuck out in the uneven clearing like mold on a peach, the exterior fenced by violently swaying trees. Can you hear Max Payne saying this? GiveUpNed posted:his perception of time had gone on vacation and the sky was constant grey. Existence was probable and reality shaky—he couldn’t remember the last time he saw the sun. Everything was a dirty shade of grey. This too. GiveUpNed posted:The rustle of her clothing (against the cabins wooden floors) made his cheeks twitch like a sputtering sausage on a grill—hot balls of grease splatting cross his temple. Why is grease flying from his wildly jittering cheeks to his temples? I don't know, but I love it. GiveUpNed posted:And left the door slightly ajar. Dun dun DUN! GiveUpNed posted:With binoculars in hand, John went to his work bench. Got to have the binoculars to see what's on the bench in front of him. GiveUpNed posted:It was a roughly hewn mess—he was practising woodworking as a new hobby. To pass the time he was whittling a stool leg. It lay on the table next to an open guide book with wood working tools in front of it. With his free hand he absentmindedly picked up a spool of twine as he looked at the road outside. So, obviously he's going to use the steel leg and the twine to kill her. I'm not sure why he needs both, but I'm sure he's got his reasons. GiveUpNed posted:Time to prepare, you can’t murder someone and not be ready. That’s like showing up late to your own wedding. It’s just not done. What a faux pas! GiveUpNed posted:With the delightful kernel of a thought crackling in his mind, he sat by the window with his binoculars and waited. The kernel of a thought and a complete plan are not quite the same thing. I look forward to reading more from you in the future, this was a delight.
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Apr 10, 2013 17:16
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