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The whole thing reads as being really sexualized, even ignoring the blowjob. Is the entire story like that, or is it something you did just for this scene? Other than that, some of the descriptions are kind of bizarre (as in, I had to read them twice to figure out where they were going). I'm not sure if that's intended to be funny or if it's a way to say that the main character has a hard time communicating in normal terms. Overall, I don't think it's bad. But if I picked up the book and that was the first page, I would probably decide it wasn't for me. I've never written before, outside of what was mandated by school, but this morning I had an idea for an opening to a story and felt I had to write it down. I have no idea where this is going other than the opening scene or even if I'll even continue it, but I'd like to get some feedback all the same. -- It’s happening again. She grimaced, trying to think about slowly flexing her toes. Furrowing her brow, she focused all her energy on relaxing her muscles. Too late; a scream echoed over the house as a shot of pain lit up her nerves like a glow plug. By the time she managed to hobble downstairs, the smell of stale coffee was the only evidence of breakfast “Cramps again?” “Shut up, Mikey.” “I just don’t understand how you can get foot cramps without a foot.” “I said shut up!” Her upper lip became a wire-thin line as she shot her brother a death stare. The sun had come up not even an hour ago, yet it wasted no time making its presence felt. The ride to school was a hot, sticky affair and the bus smelled of unwashed gym socks and melting vinyl. She stared out the window at the vast expanse of the desert before her, wishing the drat thing would open just a little bit more. Cactus. Telephone pole. Car. She named the objects as they passed. -- I feel like the location transitions are too abrupt, maybe? It's frustrating, because I have this image in my head with tons of detail, but I feel like trying to get that all across would just be pages of exposition. I also feel like it's too short for decent feedback, but I don't want to just write a bunch of filler and have you all pick that apart.
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Mar 30, 2016 15:06
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| # ¿ May 14, 2024 00:45 |
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