- Canadian Surf Club
- Feb 15, 2008
-
Word.
|
Chafey
noticed no one got around to this, so I'll point some things out.
I think your description is fine, it just needs to be rearranged slightly (for this scene anyway)
ex:
quote:.Three scientists were sitting around a small wooden table, the two male scientists were discussing something intently while the female laughed at their exchange. They were all dressed in a white, short-sleeved uniform. A fourth walked into the room from the kitchen area, across from where Dr. Silja entered. His face was heavily scarred, the left half unrecognizable from the right along with the entirety of his scalp. Dr. Silja never encountered scarring like this, they weren’t burns, or cuts, or like any kind of surgical procedure she had seen. Dull pink tissue zig zagged like tiny lightning bolts; like fractal patterns, they extended and branched out from a narrow area on his neck concealed by his shirt, reaching around his skull and stopping just behind his one remaining ear. The skin around the scars was raised, giving his profile a strange, grooved appearance.
Besides that I'd question why you devote so much time to the man's scar tissue.. If it doesn't come up later it may be worth just mentioning that he had "elaborate scars" going over his head and neck on one side or something.
Besides THAT, I think the piece you posted is bogged down by a lot of "had"s and stage direction. There are a few hads I saw that could definitely be cut out or condensed:
quote:Her interests in anaerobic biological processes had earned her a degree and quote:The man standing with her in the elevator had introduced himself as Taga quote:Taga had already strode through and was making his way down a sleek,
quote:she had at one point concluded
Eliminating had in all these instances, and others, would really help loosen up your prose. As is it felt a bit clunky.
Also just a small pet peeve
quote:and he almost seemed as a holy man rather than
***
To throw something back, here's a short intro I've been working on for a longer piece. I'm outside of my comfort zone with some stuff here, particularly third person omniscient narration. I tend to go a little too much on the 'show' side in my writing so I want to loosen up and explain more detail in my narration. This intro establishes a bit about the world and the two characters of the opening chapter, so hoping it grabs people enough to keep them reading:
quote:The train was just squealing past the airports when Dorbian's next question arrived.
"Have you read Soro's new paper on the sub-decks? He's made some remarkable discoveries."
The young academic was brimming with the latest theories and critiques. He kept fidgeting about, either from nervous excitement or because of the new bright red wool sweater he was wearing.
"I schooled with Soro. We've partnered on theses. Whatever he's done now, I'm sure it's good work."
Unlike his traveling companion, Warick's theory days were well behind him. There was grease beneath his nails, rust coating his boots. Or so he liked to think.
"He theorizes the size of the Hibi Decks meant they were either waste management tunnels or supply storage."
Warick's notepad was laid out on his lap, the thin wax paper covered in notes, work orders, questions waiting for answers. When he wasn't looking out the window at his fluorescent glare reflection he took to scribbling imaginary figures in the corners, anything to rob the boy's sense of equal exchange.
"Presumptuous. The supply stores we've mapped are smaller and specialized. A sewege line would not require such large hangar doors. The prevailing theories are correct- former shipbays I believe, or possibly areas that were never developed." He told himself to stop there but added, "Soro has chosen poorly I'm afraid."
Dorbian went quiet, grappling with his bursting bubble. "So you've read his paper then?"
"I've been to the Hibi decks. I've led expeditions there and beyond." Warick scribbled away. "It is not me citing Soro, it is Soro who should be citing me."
He didn't need to look up to notice the boy itching under his collar and leaning back in his seat. The train's cabin was humid, but not enough to sweat like that.
Perhaps he was being too sharp. The boy was just trying to learn afterall. Had you not worn a similar sweater once? Took pride in its vibrancy, the years of effort it capstoned. Warick considered his own wool, faded grey and hanging to his knees, the sleeves drooping loose, the constant battle to keep them from his hands.
"Soro is an admirable figure, you should follow his work. But much of this cartography business will be obsolete once we reconnect with the Intelligence."
The boy perked up at the word. "You think so?"
"The Intelligence will provide us a complete map of the ship, details on all its functions, even act as a central control scheme I imagine. Our linguists are only a few years from fully translating the ship's code."
The boy smiled. Intelligence discussion was a sideshow within the academy, but Warick suspected it wasn't his partner's first time discussing the topic. "They've been saying that for decades, how close are they really?"
"I have it on good authority they are as close as they have ever been."
Like steps in a complex dance, he knew what was coming next.
"Well, of course, it presumes there's an Intelligence to speak to at all."
Now Warick looks up, catching the boy's stare, watching it twitch and sizzle before his own.
"Mr. Dorbian," Warick said, his words curtailing into a grin. "I didn't take you for a heretic."
|
#
¿
Jul 2, 2015 19:09
|
|
- Adbot
-
ADBOT LOVES YOU
|
|
|
#
¿
May 14, 2024 02:20
|
|
#
¿
Jul 2, 2015 19:09
