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So here is chapter 1 of a short science fiction novella I'm working on. Please tell me how I suck so I can not suck anymore. ---- John Doe: Chapter 1 (1095 words) And then John was falling without warning or explanation. The change was so sudden and dramatic that he didn't even have the chance to properly panic. He briefly considered screaming but his face met the business end of a coffee table before he was able. John lay motionless on the floor for several seconds before reaching for his face to assess the damage. Against all odds he was perfectly fine. Which was... unexpected to say the least. He sat up and surveyed the place he now found himself in. It appeared to be an expensive but tastefully decorated hotel room. Across the room, what loosely resembled a young man in his late teens sat at a desk in nothing but boxers, his face a mask of utter horror. “Um... Hello.” John finally said after a long silence. “Who the hell are you!?” it barked at him. John tried his best not to stare. The thing looked human but only in the loosest sense of the term. It had a head that was too large, legs that were too short and impossible hair that was a wild mix of blues and greens. It looked to be all of three feet tall. “Uhhh... John.” The answer seemed to insult it. “Do you think you’re funny or something!?” the thing said as it stood up and raised a hand. A glowing display appeared before it and hoovered in the air as the boy pushed a few buttons on it's surface. Seconds later his boxers were replaced with a dark pair of slacks, industrial looking work boots, and a sleeveless shirt with the number “057“ prominently displayed on the back. “You shouldn't be here.” it said. ”What’s your game anyway? You some kind of bored session phreak?” John's eyes widened. “Um… I’m not entirely... sure. I... How did you do that thing with your hand just now?” “You will not like the way I react to playing dumb.” the tiny person said clenching a fist. “I don’t know!” John insisted. “One minute I’m talking with the professor, next thing I know I’m in the air and on my way to building a close personal relationship with your table over there!” He looked to see the damage he’d done to the room but found it perfectly intact. Also unexpected. The thing raised an eyebrow “So you teleported here… from a college class?”. There was something odd in the way he asked the question. “A lab actually. You know, for extra credit. But I guess so?” John stood and dusted himself off only to realize that it was his turn to be the one only wearing boxers. “Pretty sure I was wearing pants when I left though…” He decided to change the subject. “What are you anyways?” It threw its hands in the air “Oh! The random naked college weirdo is going to act like I’m the freak now! My name is Atom, by the way.” “Why not!?” John said defensively “You look like you’re from some kind of-.” Suddenly everything clicked into place all at once. It was obvious when John stopped to think about it. “What? What do I look like?” it said looking hurt ”You trying to pick a fight now!?” the creature named Atom asked but John ignored him as he looked around the room for something to confirm his suspicions. He spotted glass flower vase sitting in the corner that would do nicely. John walked past Atom, picked it up, and carried it over to a nearby window. Outside flying cars floated in and out of an alien cityscape, a revelation that didn’t surprise him in the least. “Get back here! What are you doing!?” it asked again. “Testing a hypothesis.” John said, and then threw the vase at the window with every ounce of his strength. The vase bounced off of the window and ricocheted off several walls with such force that John and the boy had to duck repeatedly to avoid being hit in the face. “Ha! I was right!” John shouted. “This is a computer isn’t it?” The boy's – no, the computer generated representation of a boy's face went pale. “This must be what that experiment was going to be. Some kind of… extreme virtual reality simulation. Probably fried my brain on the way in so I don’t remember actually doing it.” John said grabbing the boy’s face and taking a closer look at his impossibly detailed head of hair. ”It all feels so real, I wouldn’t even have realized if you weren’t here.” Even now, knowing what to look for, the room felt so real it was uncanny. There was some variation in quality here and there but for the most part every object looked as solid and sturdy as it's real-world counterpart. “Stop that.” Atom said grabbing one of John’s hands and pulling if off of his face with a surprising amount of strength. John realized he must look like an rear end. “Oh! Sorry! Are you another lab rat like me? I didn’t mean to be rude but I guess I- OH MY GOD it's actually soft!” John said, pressing his hand against the fabric of a nearby bed. There must have been some intense programming involved in making something this sophisticated. Atom studied him for a time. “You said you’re… John?” The miniature person’s eyes widened. “Oh hell.” He brought up his display again and hit another few buttons. The futuristic piece of technology folded into itself several times until it was a simple flat black box no more than a few inches long. John realized after a moment that it was supposed to be a phone. Atom placed the device against his ear and waited for someone to answer. “Damnit!” he finally said, throwing the device aside. It vanished before it got more than a few feet. “Um. Are you OK?” John asked. “No. They're blocking my calls.” he said, shifting nervously. “It means the game’s already started. I think they intend for you to be my partner” John was suddenly terribly aware that he was in a hotel room. The thought must have shown on John's face. “What? No you colossal wank! Listen.” Atom said looking John square in the eyes. ”I won’t have time to explain much so you’re just going to have to trust me and roll with what I’m about to tell you. You’re not entirely wrong, but try to forget about all that for now.” “What? Why would I-?” “Because.” Atom interrupted. “If you and I don't get moving right now we're both going to die.”
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Sep 25, 2015 08:04
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| # ¿ May 14, 2024 09:47 |
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Thanks Chern! I appreciate the feedback.
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Sep 26, 2015 21:03
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