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Tiggum posted:A Battle For the Ages (245 words) A funny little tale. I agree with what Phil Moscowitz said about catching on to the "punchline" of the story a little early. While I'm all about trimming things down, the excessive drama of this showdown with a fly necessitates unnecessary detail, if that makes sense. Sort of a jab at the poorly-written action scenes a lot of thriller/military pulp stories seem to have. The speaker themselves doesn't need to do anything ridiculous, like an action roll over the couch or whatever, but something that shows the reader that the speaker is trying to think of themselves as badass/in a tense situation despite doing something mundane. On a more minor note, the bolded section doesn't really do it for me. "At rest" seems a little bid laid-back for recuperating from a "firefight," and the bit about the adversary flying kind of tips your hand too much. Him flying and being at rest also kind of contradict each other.
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Mar 19, 2013 12:44
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| # ¿ May 15, 2024 06:38 |
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