- Lazy Beggar
- Dec 9, 2011
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THUNDERDOME LOSER
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Is it ok to just jump in a critique stuff? I haven't done any before so keen to get some practice in.
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Jun 15, 2015 23:28
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May 14, 2024 02:33
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- Lazy Beggar
- Dec 9, 2011
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THUNDERDOME LOSER
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Grand. I'm going to read the guide on critiquing from the other thread then I'll go for it.
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Jun 16, 2015 11:52
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- Lazy Beggar
- Dec 9, 2011
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THUNDERDOME LOSER
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The train was just squealing past the airports when Dorbian's next question arrived. This doesn't really grab me. Maybe if it was "The train squealed past..." But even then. I am not sure if it is passing a large, sprawling system of airports or if it is passing many separate airports at a very high speed. And I think I see what you are doing with "when Dorbian's next question arrived." what with the trains and planes mentioned. But I'm not sure I like it.
"Have you read Soro's new paper on the sub-decks? He's made some remarkable discoveries."
The young academic was brimming with the latest theories and critiques. "brimmed with" He kept fidgeting about, either from nervous excitement or because of the new bright red wool sweater he was wearing. he wore
"I schooled with Soro. We've partnered on theses.Is this a thing? And on multiple ones? Whatever he's done now, I'm sure it's good work."
Unlike his traveling companion, Warick's theory days were well behind him. There was grease beneath his nails, rust coating his boots. Or so he liked to think. Not sure if you're saying he liked to think his theorising was over but it wasn't or if you're saying he didn't have greasy nails and rusty boots?
"He theorizes that the size of the Hibi Decks meant they were either waste management tunnels or supply storage."
Warick's notepad was laid lay out on his lap, the thin wax paper covered in notes, work orders, questions waiting for answers. When he wasn't looking out the window at his fluorescent glare reflection he took to scribbling imaginary figures in the corners, anything to rob the boy's sense of equal exchange. This sentence confuses me. Even after three or four re-reads.
"Presumptuous. The supply stores we've mapped are smaller and specialized. A sewege sewage line would not require such large hangar doors. The prevailing theories are correct- former shipbays I believe, or possibly areas that were never developed." I don't think this is necessary, it is already clear that he disagrees with Soro, this extra bit clogs this dialogue up and isn't even that convincing an argument. "Well the commonly held belief is X, so thinking Y is outlandish." He told himself to stop there but added, "Soro has chosen poorly I'm afraid." Is "chosen" the right word? Postulated? Thought? Hypothesized?
Dorbian went quiet, grappling with his bursting bubble. I'm not sure this works... if you want to stick with the bubble maybe something like "as he picked up the fragments of his broken bubble. Never mind, that is rubbish. But a bubble bursting doesn't sound right considering it is such an instantaneous process. "So you've read his paper then?"
"I've been to the Hibi decks. I've led expeditions there and beyond." Warick scribbled away. "It is not me citing Soro, it is Soro who should be citing me."This is some decent characterization. I feel his bitterness.
He didn't need to look up to notice the boy itching under his collar and leaning back in his seat. The train's train cabin was humid, but not enough to sweat like that.
Perhaps he was being too sharp. The boy was just trying to learn afterall after all. Had you he not worn a similar sweater once? With free indirect speech you keep the same pronoun used in the narrator's voice, I think Took pride in its vibrancy, the years of effort it capstoned Can "capstone" be used as a verb?. Warick considered his own wool, faded grey and hanging to his knees, the sleeves drooping loose, the constant battle to keep them the sleeves, all the different aspects of the jumper? from his hands.
"Soro is an admirable figure, you should follow his work. But much of this cartography business will be obsolete once we reconnect with the Intelligence."
The boy perked up at the that word. "You think so?" Without saying what word it is, using the definite article seems odd. Unless "the Intelligence" is referred to as "the word".
"The Intelligence will provide us a complete map of the ship, details on all its functions, even act as a central control scheme I imagine. Our linguists are only a few years from fully translating the ship's code."
The boy smiled. Intelligence discussion was a sideshow within the academy, but Warick suspected it wasn't his partner's first time discussing the topic. "They've been saying that for decades, how close are they really?" Shifting from a perspective close to Warwick then having Dorbian talk is potentially confusing.
"I have it on good authority they are as close as they have ever been."Wouldn't that be the case even if they were even a small insignificant step closer?
Like steps in a complex dance, he knew what was coming next. It doesn't seem that complex, maybe say simple so you reinforce the idea that Warwick would know what is next. Or just say "in a dance". As it is, it makes me think "That's not complex." and it takes me out of the story.
"Well, of course, it presumes there's an Intelligence to speak to at all." What is "it" here? I can't see any nounal phrase that this refers to. "that" works better here.
Now Warick looks looked up, catching the boy's stare, watching it twitch and sizzle before his own. There was a tense shift here.
"Mr. Dorbian," Warick said, his words curtailing into a grin. "I didn't take you for a heretic." I quite like this ending
There is a lot of “was X-ing”. While this isn't forbidden, it just makes things clunkier and less immediate. There are uses for the continuous tenses but for the most part the simple past is better.
http://www.scribophile.com/academy/what-are-narrative-tenses-and-why-theyre-important – scroll down to the bit on the continuous past.
Outside of the continuous past constructions there are still a lot of participles kicking about : grappling, bursting, curtailing, itching, coating. Not that I am saying to avoid them, but alongside the continuous past being used throughout and a large amount of these you end up with a fairly clunky piece.
Having said all that, I didn't think it was bad. I am intrigued by the Intelligence, whether it exists or not, or if it is some religious construct to keep people in line, I have a feeling for the two characters although they are somewhat cliché, especially Dorbian. But then that is not necessarily a bad thing depending on what you do with these characters later on.
Anyway, I think this could be trimmed down and made into a decent, snappy opening.
And feel free to ignore me, I have no writing credentials.
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Jul 21, 2015 21:43
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- Lazy Beggar
- Dec 9, 2011
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THUNDERDOME LOSER
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The shifting shards of the Shattered lands Lands were dangerous in the best of times, and these were not the best of times. Kuono and her Family (Is family being used to mean something more than usual in your setting? Do they refer to their respective gangs as their "Family"? Otherwise, why is it capitalised?) walked amongst the ruins of the broken city, through the flowing and floating sands of the parched desert, between the bent and broken trees of the pine forests, and in every place they went they found the minions of Uchoyo, the Great Enemy, waiting for them. Each time a creature arose to halt their progress, each one more hideous than the last, and each time in turn one from the group would step forward and their unique talents would allow them to pass, but in defeat the minions of Uchoyo would often claim some small victory in turn.
In time, they found their way to the building where Aktion has hadlast seen Feund the Engineer.
Cliché opening line. Also, what are "shifting shards"? Rambling second sentence. But not in a clever way that mirrors what is being described. I don't know what you mean by "flowing and floating sands". A lot of redundancy. "broken" and "ruins" do the same thing for describing the city. Describing the desert as being parched is unnecessary. It's pretty clear that Uchoyo isn't their pal, do you need to say so explicitly? "arose" makes me think of little mole people popping out of the ground or behind bent pine trees. And the description of how they overcome these minions is really dull and unrealistic. It's as if they treated fighting these increasingly hideous minions of their worst enemy like they would treat organising rounds at a bar. The phrase "unique talents" without some sort of example upset me a lot. And what sort of small victory would they in turn claim? A skelf in the knee? (Turns out skelf is a Scottish word?) A splinter then...
I stopped at that. It just seemed like two random characters popped up here.
Why are they suffering the shifting shards of the Shatter Lands?
Why are they willing to get skelfs when employing their unique talents against the minions who have an aesthetic rating linearly dependent on the Family's time travelled or on the number of previously arisen minions?
Why did they travel to Feund the Engineer?
Who is Aktion and how is he related to Kuono and the Family?
I think you are trying to conjure up a feeling of mystery here, but the result for me is a disjointed introduction with four characters introduced, along with some characterless minions, and I know nothing about any of them except Uchoyo and all I know about him is that he is bad (this is an assumption based on his minions not being attractive).
Just my thoughts on why I didn't read beyond the first line of the second paragraph.
Lazy Beggar fucked around with this message at 14:55 on Sep 16, 2015
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Sep 16, 2015 14:34
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Jun 15, 2015 23:28
