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The intro needs some work. Active voice in this kind of story can be really helpful. Here is an example: John fell without warning or explanation. He couldn’t properly panic about the change. He considered screaming only to meet face first the business end of a coffee table. The word "was" is passive, it doesn't lead the reader into the action. Also, leading in with "And then" only confuses me as reader. What happened before? What were the series of events that occurred before this? I haven't read the previous chapter, so I'm left wondering what is going on. I hope this helps.
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Oct 12, 2015 00:47
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| # ¿ May 13, 2024 23:30 |
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The audiolog begins a little awkward at first. I couldn't tell if your commentary was part of the story itself. Anyway, the intro is a little weak, but your story becomes better as it goes along. I really like the description of the girl. You seem to know where the shortcomings in your story are and how to improve them. Good job on your story so far.
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Oct 15, 2015 02:51
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Here is my crappy action scene, and I hope you goons enjoy. I appreciate any and all feedback towards making this story better. I just wanted to write a random action scene and see how to make it exciting. Warning: somewhat graphic and vulgar. Words: 514. Mad Dog confronts Red Baron in his apartment 20 stories above the concrete. The setting sun gives the entire apartment a sepia tone to it. Red Baron, tall and intimidating with his red bandana, leans back on a counter calling bullshit on Slim Jim’s carjacking exploits. Slim Jim’s thinner than a piece of paper and consistently evades the police. Cracker Jack sits staring out the window at the sunset, whiter and pastier than the Pillsbury Doughboy, and weaker too. Red Baron notices a smelly, short, son of a bitch with greasy hair and sharp teeth in his home. “The hell you want Mad Dog”, growls Red Baron. Slim Jim’s eyebrows narrow. Cracker Jack turns his head. “I’m gonna kill you and your loving goons,” Mad Dog replies bluntly. “I’m gonna take out skinny and white bread too here. None of you are truly hard enough to take me out, and I want to prove it. If you cowards aren’t coming after me, than I’m coming after you, and now I’m here. I’m loving bulletproof.” Red Baron grins. “Okay Mad Dog”, he replies sarcastically. “I want you to meet my Thunderstick. She doubts you’re actually bulletproof.” Red Baron quickly draws his glock and opens fire, but not before Mad Dog borrows Cracker Jack and uses him as a meat shield. POW POW POW Red Baron stands agape staring into Cracker Jack’s fading eyes. Three holes in Cracker Jack’s chest continuously ooze blood. Mad Dog hurls Cracker Jack’s body at Red Baron, knocking him to the floor. His glock gets knocked out of his hand. In the same instant, Slim Jim takes action. Slim Jim rushes Mad Dog, pulling out a switch blade as he charges Mad Dog. He isn’t quick enough to dodge Mad Dog as he grabs his arm, chomping into it. In a yelp of pain, Slim Jim drops his switch blade. Mad Dog takes the blade and repeatedly shivs Slim Jim in the stomach, covering Mad Dog in blood. Slim Jim collapses with the knife still sticking out of him. Mad Dog rushes and picks up the glock before Red Baron rises. Red Baron finds his Thunderstick shoved right against his forehead. He only stares at Mad Dog’s twisted expression, blood smeared all over his awkward figure. “I like your Thunderstick,” smiles Mad Dog. “Makes me feel macho. She doubts that you’re actually bulletproof.” Mad Dog pumps lead into Red Baron’s kneecaps, watching him wither in pain. Mad Dog drags Red Baron to the window. “Watch that loving beautiful sun,” exclaims Mad Dog eagerly. “Enjoy the slow ride down.” Mad Dog throws Red Baron out the window. For a moment, the adrenaline rush is magical. This is what he lives for. Red Baron plummets like a rock to meet body first the hood of a car. He crushes the car under his weight, setting off a parade of car alarms all around the block. Red Baron’s lifeless expression greets the twilight sky. Mad Dog looks down with a bloody smile, and then the rush fades. His expression becomes blank.
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Oct 20, 2015 03:18
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Thanks for the feedback Chernabog. Are there any resources you can recommend that helps remove my robotic voice narration? I have a hard time telling and not showing.
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Oct 26, 2015 04:46
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Thanks for the advice goons. I really appreciate your feedback. I hope this new story is better than last time. Still feels a little melodramatic. Words: 503. Griselda climbed a steep slope up the mountainside and into a small cavern. She removed her heavy coat and sat down. The winter winds howled outside, but she ignored it. She used her coat as a pillow and rested. Inside the cave, a hole descended deeper into the darkness. Griselda stared at the hole. A wave of warmth emitted from the hole, followed by a bright orange light and a scream. Afterwards, a munching sound echoed throughout the cavern. Griselda rose, approached the hole, and descended into a large chamber. She focused on the sleeping creature in front of her. Bones of cattle littered the floor, and Griselda stepped over some ashes. The gray beast resembled a snake curled into itself to sleep. Its wings covered the beast as it napped. “Ganeshka, wake up!” Griselda yelled. A blue eye opened up and stared at her. “Who are you?” it asked. “Griselda. I want to talk to you.” The second eyelid opened. “What do you want?” “I want you to stop attacking my town.” Griselda heard a rumble in Ganeshka’s throat. “I never attacked the town’s citizens. I only fed on its livestock.” “Is that your excuse?” Griselda crossed her arms. “I come from a family of farmers, and last winter we nearly starved thanks to you.” Ganeska raised his head. “I need to eat, and you farmers provide a nice source of meats. You need a stronger reason to convince me.” Griselda glanced at the exit. “I didn’t come alone.” “What do you mean?” “A war party is on its way to kill you. I scouted ahead to determine your location. If you don’t stop attacking the town, they will kill you unless you flee.” “Why should I flee?” “I can’t imagine you’re strong enough to fight them all off.” She stood firm. “What makes you think they can kill me?” “Um…” Griselda back pedaled. “They have swords and war bows capable of piercing your skin. They have archers and skilled warriors climbing the mountainside as we speak. There are a hundred men, mercenaries and townsfolk, who are approaching your cavern right now.” The beast stomped one of his legs. “Who is their leader?” “Uh, Jack Blueburn. His party will destroy you unless you leave my town alone. “What human names their kid Blueburn?” Griselda shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. Regardless, he sent me here to negotiate with you if possible.” The behemoth lifted the rest of his body. “So you’re telling me Jack sent you ahead as a negotiator, alone, without any support?” “Yes. I am negotiating with you to leave my town alone.” “You said earlier you were scouting ahead to find my lair. Now you tell me you’re a diplomat.” The color drained out of Griselda’s face. “I-” “- think you’re lying to me.” “But…” The dragon bared its fangs at Griselda. “You aren’t very clever, Griselda. You should know better trying to trick a creature like me.” The creature engulfed the whole chamber in flames.
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Jan 3, 2016 18:37
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Thank you all for the feedback. Do any of you have resources for helping write sensory details and dialogue like the Saidisms link?
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Jan 5, 2016 01:52
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| # ¿ May 13, 2024 23:30 |
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Starting with a blow-job for a SF novel by itself isn't a problem, but you'll want to think about the expectations it gives the reader about your story. How does this scene fit within the general themes of the story? For reference, a manga called Berserk opens up with a sex scene where a woman turns into a giant demon and the hero slays her. It's silly, but it conveys the idea this is pulp fantasy, and the reader knows what to expect thematically. The blow job in your story can work, but think thematically about what's going on in your scene.
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Mar 26, 2016 19:28
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