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Somberbrero posted:I hope you rip me apart. The reason this reads like fanfic is because it pretty much is; you've written it duty-bound to articulate as much of your gameworld as possible within the very meagre word limit and that's pretty much how fanfic is constructed - jam in as much detail as possible in the hope that one's improbable romance/sex story can be validated thereby. It's not a very good story. The idea is ok, just ok, but it's very, very game-y. It reads as if you're providing a synopsis for an in-game cutscene. The problem is that the cutscene would have the benefit of an ongoing narrative (ie. loving Lizardman fights his way up the ladder), and nobody would ever watch it otherwise. Here's what I see going on here: You establish an infernal setting. You introduce Kimaris. We learn about his function in Hell and you slip in some glibness (but whether it's attributable to Kimaris or the omniscient narrator, it's hard to tell sometimes, which confuses and diminishes both). Then a gladiatorial match happens and one of the contestants is super powerful and then months pass and he loses because we don't know but Kimaris seems to have made him lose for Sorry, profit. Kimaris is match-fixing, yes? And the proceeds are helping him pay Hell Tax. It's not by any means invalid to cast the supernatural world as just another version of our own - Tom Holt, Terry Pratchet, Neil Gaiman all set a successful precedent for this - the problem is that this has been a popular SF staple for something like 30 years now, and that it's nearly always done for laughs. In fact, it kind of has to be. And thus your Hell dimension loses all gravity; it's just a stand-in for the familiar. Because I know Kimaris is just another balding career-minded bureaucrat, I frankly don't give a poo poo anymore. The story would hit harder if you wrote about a legit fight-fixing. Plenty of concrete, familiar historical settings in which you could spare yourself the trouble of establishing exactly what specific kind of Hell dimension we're in, and instead plunge into characters we can care about. There's a lot in here which isn't really fleshed out enough. There's been a Harrowing in Hell. So what? A pig-faced bird delivers a note. What the gently caress does it say? We never learn - at best, we can guess the kind of message, but it's clear at all. If you want to foreshadow the twist in the tale, you need to either flag it hard and early, or quiet and consistently as the story builds - in this case, we have a happening and then another happening, and they're not necessarily related. You've given us the cutscene version. ALL of your dialogue is buried within thick steaming mounds of blow-by-blow object posing. He stands this way, and someone's so scared they turn chartreuse (NO!), and he puts his hand here and lowers his brow, and then he says, 'Something,' and then another guy reacts by squinting and he represses (NO!) a smirk. Economise. Don't smother your characters' speech. Their choice of words, coupled with what we know about their motivation, their relationship with others present, etc, should already tell us what their face is likely to be doing. Only include it if it's going to enhance the story, not if its another detail of the - cutscene. It's difficult because Kimaris is only really permitted to utter formal addresses. More characters, less setting, and you might not have this problem, 'cos you'd have more words at your disposal. Still, quote:Blah blah clauses clauses then eventually Kimaris raised his hands and began to speak, “To those of you who would curse me, hold your breath! Many of you, the damned among the damned, were born into a high caste, only to find yourself here on your knees before me.” The words have no impact. 'Began to speak' NO NEVER DO THIS. I hope you understand why, (one reason because you're wasting the reader's time, another is that dialogue is INFINITELY MORE IMPORTANT than how a character's neck is cocked or eyebrow arched and deserves its own distinct space.) I'm running out of  but I do want to address the way you're constructing descriptions of things. You do not need to catalogue every article of coolness that you thought up; and generally, if you've introduced a new concept once already in a sentence, we are unlikely to be able to process another without a small break of some kind. That is to say,quote:There were dinosaurs in the room, but unlike normal dinosaurs they had psionic lasers fitted to their platinum-sheathed fangs, which glinted in the chartreuse gloaming cast by eldritch mist-ghosts that had come into this part of the Hell dimension, the Arcane Arcanum, where people went to really get punished, from their homeworld, Ethgoross, the biggest planet in their system which itself was only visible once every Doomyear, which was a unit of time they had down there, because of dust from Mount Volcanos which had been temperamental, so to speak, ever since the Fall of Seraphs, although not quite so much as its master, the Countess Menopausa, etc
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Jan 29, 2013 11:03
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theworstname posted:Opening scene from an untitled work (1027 words) You never got a crit for this and I doubt you'd like your piece to slip forgotten into forums history, so here goes. First up, we need to talk about our mutual friend, the humble  While we tend to think of commas as an 'anything goes' kind of luxury option, they are required and there are a few places you just aren't using them. This will always hurt your prose. For pacing: quote:She waved at a plump man in a sleeveless pink jumpsuit, who sat on a couch in front of a large display screen. And then there's this: quote:In it the titular character confronted Cedric, a powerful psionic and master criminal on a narrow walkway over a 'AN' FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE MAN automated waste reclamation and dispersal plant in full operation. In dialogue: quote:“Hello, my name is Carac,” said a voice from somewhere below Carac's chest. "Dialogue." he said because it reads like "Dialogue." He said. which, if you'll cast your mind back to kindergarten, is how the retarded kids used to read out loud. Don't encourage them. Just for completion's sake, this quote:She brushed aside some empty food packets, and sat next to Bryce. And just to spit on my own statements above, this quote:Izee gave the bulky mechanical mule a kick, it whirred quote:Izee gave the bulky mechanical mule a kick. It whirred Enough about commas; let's talk about style. The TV show works great. I was uncertain about the italics at first, but I think it was a good choice as it allows you to eliminate 'THEY LOOKED AT THE TV AND' when you so choose (and when you don't, you're quite gentle about it, which is ideal). One thing that's really noteworthy about this part of your story is that all of the action and dialogue is reported in summary, ie. 'told', and it works fantastically, because you're contrasting the TV show with the 'real life' of your story. Obviously, when it comes to the story proper, this is to be avoided. 'a' instead of 'the' and vice versa quote:Its curved surface reflected small luminescent tubes that dotted a low ceiling above. quote:stout woman wearing a orange quote:Carac turned to Izee, turned back to the screen, then strode over to the keypad by the door. It's a bit too early to tell for sure, but I think you might have a tendency to get excessively wordy in parts. Remember, just because you happen to be endowed with a compendious vocabulary, you are not obliged to deploy its entirety at any given moment. quote:Izee waved to Bryce and walked out of the chamber with Carac close behind into a ill-lit devastated subterranean promenade. Your sci-fi secrets are presented a little too opaquely for my comfort - I'm being alienated by references to dried waste and mouth-gels that I'm not familiar with and don't understand. This is fine as long as you don't keep us hanging too long. By dumping the names of these things, 'gel from his mouth', 'mule is picking up the dried waste', you're actually making it more difficult to prolong an explanation than if you'd tried to allude to the nature of the things via an on-sight description (hope that makes sense). I have no loving idea what's going on with the gel-smearing but I definitely want to find out. Finally, the POV is omniscient at this stage, and it doesn't really feel like we're getting any one character's perspective. Fine when we're looking at the TV show, not so great for holding a reader's attention. I suspect that Bryce is your man, now make me feel it. I've got to admit - I'm intrigued by your story so far. Definitely post more once it's written.
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Feb 15, 2013 13:20
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Blarggy posted:sort've what is this e: Martello posted:enter Thunderdome STONE OF MADNESS fucked around with this message at 18:53 on Feb 15, 2013 |
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Feb 15, 2013 18:48
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Don't worry about the box introduction thing. It's right there in black and white (and, now, italics)quote:Her heel tapped the cardboard box beneath the seat. No. Can't draw attention to the box, Nothing wrong with that, and having already established that she might be pulled by Customs, you're doing well. One of the major probs. with this piece is that you're introducing chars. at the same time as explaining their motivations for some pretty complex actions that they're already doing. Hard to keep it fresh and concise in these circumstances. As with the ending, this story could benefit from some extra information at the outset - or, ideally, from occurring after a couple of chapters that set up the novel from which this could be taken. Doesn't stand alone too well (nor could it be expected to) and does leave us wondering more about Mr. Whiskers etc.
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Feb 20, 2013 07:21
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