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Thought I'd drop in here and give you guys some fresh meat to chew on! From Between Sand and Sky [1000 words]: ------------------- A wall of sand and dust blotted out the sun. It roared across the wasteland, consuming everything in its path. Kalis pulled his makeshift tent down over the windward side of an outcropping. He could scarcely hear his own thoughts amidst the scream of that mighty gale. As the leading edge began to lash at him with waves of sand, even through his thick clothes, he finally managed to anchor down the last corner of the tent. With haste, he crawled through the opening, pulling his pack in behind him. The wind hit with its full fury, raking long, sharp claws across the thin fabric. It sought a hold, an entry, to tear away the tent and expose the soft flesh hidden within. Fine sand hammered against the exterior in endless waves, finding thin cracks and holes despite his best efforts to seal the shelter. Kalis curled up into a ball, holding one of the packs over his face. He'd been careless, had taken too long to find a suitable spot to erect his shelter, and had underestimated the power of this particular storm. These were the mistakes that cost men their lives. Yet even as the storm raged just inches away, his mind soon slid under the fabric and out into the storm, where it was tossed and turned by the winds, before finally breaking free and sailing out across leagues and leagues of open desert, past long, thin lines of wagons and horses, past low walls bristling with spears and the buildings that crouched sullenly behind them. Then at last to the sea, where it continued over white-capped waves and tall ships filled with the addictive spice, bound for The Archipelago, with its countless islands and warring states. That azure gleam that he so longed to see again, more beautiful than any gem could hope to be. His mind finally settled over a large island covered in thick forests. Peeking above the tops of the mighty cedars, he saw the castle, its blue banners snapping proudly in the wind that blew in from the ocean to the east, that castle he knew so well. He saw himself, years younger, standing atop the battlements, staring out over the trees at a town along the coast, where the great sailing ships were bringing in their cargoes. His mind moved on, down the ill-used stairs, along dusty, narrow corridors choked with cobwebs inside the hollow walls, used rarely even by the palace guards and servants, but a young prince's best friend. Through a short, wooden door and into the throne room, lit by a great, roaring fire inside a fireplace along one wall. His father sat on the throne of Syral, golden crown resting slightly askew and yellowed scroll held lightly in wrinkled, trembling hands. His father looked up, seeming to see him, but Kalis knew that his father was looking through him, towards the door. Two men entered the throne room, wearing long coats with blue fringes, diamond rings that glistened in the flickering light, and cruel arrogance. Duke Hildebrandt and Lord Elsberry. Seeing their faces again, even within the confines of his own mind, his own memories, rousted him from his half-sleep. The storm had passed, the world was returned to its silence. Two hours he had been lost in those visions of yesterday. Such storms rarely lasted longer, raging and screaming one minute and then gone the next. Kalis dug up the metal spikes holding the fabric in place and then pushed the makeshift tent aside. The air was clean, refreshing, scoured of all things dirty and impure. Kalis breathed deeply, filling his lungs. The sky above his head was clear, as blue as the pool in the hidden grotto along the coast, where he used to while away spring days in his youth. Even now he could still so clearly see the rays of sunlight filtering down through layers of broad, flat leaves, down through the small hole in the cave's roof, to gently caress the still waters. That was another memory he'd not thought about in too many years. Since even before his exile. Kalis let the memory fade as he brushed the sand from his cloak. It had gotten everywhere, in every fold and every crevice, turned his dark hair almost white. A bath was in order, but there was little opportunity for such a thing, not until he could locate the next city, at least, and that was still many days away. Kalis carefully folded and then tied the sheet of fabric he used for a shelter. Once it had been reattached to his pack, he slung the pack over his shoulder and continued on his way. The storm had been but a momentary delay, nothing more, though he'd been incredibly lucky this time. Down from the outcropping, less than a league out, Kalis spotted a tiny settlement of ragged tents strewn about near a rather pitiful oasis. That shimmering droplet of spittle couldn't have been more than ten paces across, barely enough to support the two ragged palms with their tattered leaves, savaged by the storm. He wasn't likely to come across anything useful there; it was doubtful that the people had much contact with the rest of the world. Kalis checked his canteens and found them all empty, save one. Hopefully, they had enough water to share and a willingness to do so. Kalis shifted his pack, relieving one shoulder at the expense of the other, and then came down from the outcropping, moving slowly along the exposed rock. It was well into the afternoon when he reached the village. By then, the inhabits had come out of their shelters and were milling about, seeming uncertain as to what they ought to be doing. Many of them cast sidelong glances in his direction, others ignored him entirely. None spoke. The creak of a wooden sign, painted in garish colors that were rapidly fading, drew him towards what roughly approximated the center of that rude village. ------------------- That's the first four pages, approximately.
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Feb 15, 2013 20:33
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| # ¿ May 14, 2024 04:41 |
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Thanks for the feedback!quote:The comma there breaks it up, makes the mind pause, slows down what should be a quick action. Simply changing it to "He hastily crawled through the opening..." would flow better. Adverbs aren't always the enemy. Or find a quicker word than "crawled." How about something like: "He scrambled through the opening, dragging the heavy pack in behind him." A bit of a contrast there. Kalis is moving very quickly, but the pack is large and heavy and just slides slowly across the ground. Better? quote:Sounds a bit run-on and disordered. As for that one, I'm actually thinking about something completely different there. See what this does for you: "Careless, careless. Too long to find a suitable shelter, too slow to erect the tent. The storm hadn't seemed quite so powerful from afar." quote:As well, his mind being described as breaking free of the storm made me think he was scrying at first That thought came to me when I was getting everything set up to post. It kind of seems like he has psychic powers of some kind at first. I'm sure I could do something there to make it more clear that he's just remembering things/dreaming. quote:I like the oasis being described as a shimmering droplet of spittle. That actually came to me as I was getting this post set up. Originally, I just had "it" there rather than the more descriptive "shimmering droplet of spittle." Works much better, doesn't it? Great Rumbler fucked around with this message at 01:00 on Feb 16, 2013 |
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Feb 16, 2013 00:57
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I Am Hydrogen posted:How does someone scramble slowly? I'm not sure what you mean. Wouldn't the wording and the context suggest that the pack is already on the ground? Kalis scrambles quickly into the tent, but can only slowly drag the pack in with him once he's inside. That's what I was going for there, but maybe it's not as obvious as the image I have in my head. Well anyway, I can rework that sentence.
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Feb 16, 2013 06:04
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Thanks, Echo Cian, you've really given me a lot to think about. I tend to retreat into my own little insular world sometimes, not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but bad habits do tend to creep back in when that happens. Alright, let me throw out the first two paragraphs again: ------------------------------ A wall of sand blotted out the sun. It roared across the wasteland, devouring all within its path. Kalis pulled his makeshift tent down over the windward side of a rocky outcropping. He could scarcely hear his own thoughts amidst the scream of that mighty gale. As the leading edge began to lash out at him, he finally managed to anchor down the last corner of the tent. Kalis scrambled through the opening and dragged the heavy pack in behind him. The wind hit with its full fury. Long, sharp claws raked across the thin fabric, seeking to tear through to the unprotected prey hidden within. It attacked with endless waves, invading through a hundred cracks and holes too small to even see. Nothing could be done about that. Kalis curled up into a ball, holding one of the packs over his face. Careless, careless! he berated himself. Too long to find a suitable haven, too slow to erect the tent. The storm hadn't appeared quite so powerful from afar. These were the mistakes that cost men their lives.
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Feb 16, 2013 15:42
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Echo Cian posted:Predator (1086 words) Most of my comments are just random, rambling thoughts, so don't think about them too hard.  Overall, it's a really good piece and I think it manages to say quite a lot without relying on lots of exposition, which is great. It's definitely something that I'd be interested in reading more of!
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Feb 18, 2013 23:35
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Echo Cian posted:Good points, especially that one. How about "Cold was seeping through my furs by the time..." or is that still off? Maybe you could say something like "My sweat had frozen by the time..." That kind of exertion and fear is bound to produce a lot of sweat, despite the cold. Afterwards, though, it's going to freeze right up.
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Feb 19, 2013 15:50
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Just a small thing, but I want to thank Echo Clan for getting me back on track with my writing. I'm working on the parent story for the excerpt I posted earlier in this thread and I've really been buckling down on sentence structure and length. I'd forgotten how much fun that sort of thing could be and now I'm actually getting some good work done on it. Sometimes, you really do need that kick in the backside.
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Feb 21, 2013 21:37
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| # ¿ May 14, 2024 04:41 |
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quote:“What are you?” he whispered. "I'm Gotham's reckoning." Sorry, I will never be able to read that line without thinking of TDKR.
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Feb 27, 2013 21:46
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