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Scouting for things to review, deleting the independent thread I had for this review and instead posting it here. Hopefully I can crank one out before I leave work and catch some sleep. I'm looking for feedback regarding my flow/composition. Last night I hopped on an advice post on tumblr and wrote up some examples on how to introduce character features without bogging the reader down in one giant 'this is what this character looks like' paragraph/segment. Reading it through today I feel like the narrative is solid but rough around the edges. I'm not sure if I'm looking to turn this into an actual story, but I think it's a solid example of my style/voice/flow/etc. The OP Can Be Found Here: HERE Sorry about the awful theme, for whatever reason I'm unable to change it by any means. I went into this unplanned and just sort of made it up as I went along. Any feedback is appreciated. _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Marlowe’s gaze was much harder than that of most twenty-somethings. His wide smile lit up a room and his laughter filled whatever space he occupied. To anyone paying attention, however, his mind almost never occupied the same space as his body. His gaze was much harder than that of most twenty-somethings. Always he was looking off into this distance. Always…he had that thousand-yard stare. A small arm wrapped itself around Marlowe’s throat, it’s owner unseen. The assailant was a featherweight, and from what he could tell petite. In spite of this he found himself unable to wrench himself free. Darkness closed in around his eyes a woman’s voice whispered in his ear. ‘My name is Ayla. Terribly sorry for this, but I have some questions that need answering.’ Marlowe felt the sharp pinch of a needle behind his ear. The world went black. A swift backhand greeted Marlowe’s return to conciousness. It came sharply, and was delivered with authority. He moved to rub the sting out of his cheek but met resistance. A hot trickle of blood began flow from the corner of his mouth and pool in the stubble on his face. The itch was driving him mad, the heat of a flood lamp shining down on him made it worse. ‘I’m going to be straight with you Mr. Marlowe, I have been paid to kill you.’ The voice was behind him, female, and young. ‘The pressing question here is why.’ Marlowe struggled against his restraints, to the apparent amusement of his captor. ‘What’s the matter? Are those python’s hanging off your shoulders all tuckered out?’ Ayla emerged from behind her prize. ‘It’s probably the heroin. I’m sorry about that, I figured those rippling muscles would have flushed it out of your system by now.’ Looking at her, Marlowe was shocked that this girl was able to bring him down. She couldn’t be more than 18. Everything from her posture to the controlled rise and fall of her breathing spoke of grace and discipline. There was something in the way she walked that hinted at the uncanny strength she possessed despite her slender frame. ‘Ayla…right?’ The words came out hard. The aching in his throat was only made worse by the all-too-familiar dry mouth that accompanied opiates. ‘You look more like a ballerina than a browbeater?’ The deafening crack of an open hand slap rang through the room and Marlowe's face felt as if it had been set ablaze. The reverberations did give Marlowe more about the room he was in than his eyes could at this point. Large, Empty, Damp. Some sort of warehouse, near water. Despite collecting dust for the past year, his training was still sharp. ‘Don’t patronize me.’ Ayla’s voice betrayed a real and earnest offense to Marlowe’s comment, ‘Besides,’ she crossed the warehouse floor on pointe, a contemptuous smirk cut its way across her face. Each step was poised, elegant, and effortless. ‘People are allowed to have multiple talents.’ The room brightened a bit. Light had begun to seep in despite the windows being boarded up. It wasn’t much of an improvement, but at least now he could see beyond what the interrogation lamp allowed. It did not bode well for his escape. Every window was boarded up, and both exits were clear across the room. Marlowe wasn’t a gambling man to begin with. He definitely wasn’t willing to stake his life on being faster than a girl whose stride leave most basketball players playing catch up. What he cared about most at this point was the stool sitting before him, and the two bottles of water perched on its seat. Closing his eyes, Marlowe listened for something…anything that would give him some clue as to where he was being held. ‘It’s an abandoned boathouse on the south bank of the Allegheny.’ Ayla was standing over him now. She was holding a knife. ‘Look up,’ Marlowe complied, noting a derelict yacht above him and a set of makeshift stairs leading up to it. He flinched at the sensation of cold steel against his wrist. He let out a noise that was meant to come out as ‘stop.’ Dehydration made sure it sounded pathetic as possible. ‘Relax, I’m not planning on ending your life, not if I can help it at least.’ Marlowe’s fist clenched tight as his restraint was cut. ‘And before you make another pathetic sound I didn’t say I intended to kill you…I said I was paid to.’ There was a satisfying click as the last restraint was cut. Ayla took a seat on the bench, tossing a bottle of water into Marlowe’s lap. Even perched on a bar-height stool her legs reached the ground. Marlowe was too tired and too confused to run. Now he wanted answers.What would make a baby-faced teenage girl want to kidnap an ex-con? ‘So…’ Ayla’s expression relaxed, ‘If you are willing to sit there and not try anything stupid I’ll clue you in as to what the gently caress is going on. I’m going to need some answers out of you…but if you don’t force me to do so I won’t hurt you.’ Marlowe gulped down the water he had been given, uncaring as to whether or not it had been drugged. He took a second to wipe the sweat from his brow, but stopped as he heard the distinct clack of a round being chambered. ‘Don’t delude yourself though.’ Ayla looked Marlowe dead in the eye. Her face telling the story of someone who had seen more trauma than anyone twice her age would have experienced. ‘I will kill you if you make me. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ EDIT: 944 Words.
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May 11, 2015 11:02
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Dr. Kloctopussy posted:did you do us the basic courtesy of reading it and revising it before you asked us to read it? Noted, Honestly thanks for the feedback you and everyone. I was worried about it being a little cliche and after the feedback I'm aware that it's worse than I had thought. I've never really found intetest in Detective novels and actually had to Google 'Chandler Fanfic' for context. Any suggestions on good ones? I feel legitimately bad/stupid for falling short of my intended goal and definitely plan on shaping this into something respectable. It's at a good length for a writing exercise, so I think I'm going to make weekly improvements. My ego has been deflated...thank you. Killer of Lawyers has given some good feedback in a Docs session. Between that and the feedback here I've got a nice chunk of input to consider in terms of editing. I realized the continuity issues just before leaving work and didn't have time to edit the post (I Day Job 3rd shift in a call center, probably not the best writing environment but I am sans-pc at the moment and my workload consisted mostly of sitting at a desk watching youtube until I opted to be more productive. Sorry about single quotes, I have a bad habit of using them by default when I'm not using a standalone text editor. I don't know why I do that I hate myself for it it as it adds a ton of needless revision down the line. I completely missed the hanging apostrophe. No clue how that happened, I definitely know better on that one. Honestly thanks for keeping it harsh too. I originally came to SA for the Creative Convention because I heard goons didn't mince words. So kudos for being constructive and honest. Too many people take negative feedback as an attack on their character. That's the thing that's been turning me off to tumblr even with as apathetic as I generally have been towards it. So many people just flip poo poo and go full on diva when they get any sort of negative criticism/review. All in all - no regrats...Came here to learn and improve so that is what I shall do. I did feel like I was making a mistake going with the badass stereotype but was hoping I could elevate it. Thanks again. SkaAndScreenplays fucked around with this message at 14:15 on May 11, 2015 |
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May 11, 2015 14:04
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