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Rhino, you're a madman!
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# ¿ Mar 24, 2013 16:23 |
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# ¿ May 22, 2024 18:18 |
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No way! In two weeks Cancer Cakes shall get an avatar of his choice! Kaishai: Thanks for the crit! I think it'd be neat revisiting this and getting a working 300 word piece. quote:I was going to say I can still figure out what you're saying in each case, but I'm not so sure I can. What I think is happening: a worker ant hunts for food on behalf of the colony's dying queen, and she dares a different colony's territory when all else fails. She finds a berry or a grain of sugar or something, but it's too late. The queen has starved. The worker nevertheless descends with her prize into the tall grass, but members of the other colony come upon her and devour her. Is that right? See, I like it if so--the concept is delightful--but at the end, especially, it's murky. (Who lives in the tall grass?) This is really close! I was trying to write a story of pheromones and supercolonies. The Queen's command-pheromones dominate the ant's thoughts at first and drown out most other signals. Once the pheromones are washed off, the ant can pick up subtler signals from further away - like her colony's collapse. The two colonies of ants are supposed to be the same species, with the only difference being the Queen's pheromones. With the pheromones washed off her, the ant finds it hard to differentiate between the two. The intensity of the food signal helps mask her long enough to acquire the Other's scent and stop her from getting devoured. Fanky Malloons posted:since I am a total nerd and love insects, I called executive privilege and gave you the crown, you're welcome. As thanks, please accept this link to the best moth thread ever. autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 14:08 on Mar 25, 2013 |
# ¿ Mar 25, 2013 13:55 |
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WEEK 34: No dragonshirts at the club Alright you fuckers, I'm gonna let you have a head start and post the prompt today. Deadline's gonna be NOON on sunday because gently caress you. I'm at GMT -6 so adjust your watches or whatever (it won't matter, time won't save you). You're going to have to pick a song. Any song*. This song will influence your piece of writing in some way. The better the match between the song and your work, the better your likelihood of winning. Your work will feature clothing. I mean prominently. If you explain what everyone is wearing in a hamfisted and obvious way, you lose. I want to see what people look like, day to day, in your lovely and poorly constructed pieces. The story must contain an actual narrative arc (I can't believe that needs to be said). I'm a big fan of Greek tragedies. Use that information however you want or ignore it entirely. Hard limit of 1200 words, submission must contain a link to the song. I guess I'll need two other judges? My first pick would be Jeza, but his connection's spotty. PM/email me if you want to be a judge (and don't suck), I guess. *Top 40's, viral/novelty songs and Fleetwood Mac are an automatic loss. Deal with it. Try-Hards: toanoradian Symptomless Coma - Retrograde Assisted sebmojo - Che Faro Senza Euridice? Che Faro Senza Rather Watch Them - Schala A Young Man in Control Fumblemouse - Rock around the Clock B-side Chairchucker - Up There Cazaly Clash Strip pug wearing a hat - Heaven & Hell Seeds systran - Total Eclipse of the Heart Divergence Nikaer Drekin - Take This Waltz Brandy and Death SpaceGodzilla - Underground Wild Haunt black.lion - Papa was a rolling stone Gathering No Moss Sitting Here - 4'33" 4'33" Jagermonster - Dayenu Untitled Work Kaishai - (don't fear)the reaper Reaper's Dance Cancercakes - Ballroom Blitz This is a warehouse war Chewie23 - Sukiyaki Just a House Steriletom disqualified for fanfic Khris Kruel - ARKONA - Goi, Rode, Goi! untitled work CantDecideOnAName - The House Wins A lesser breed Erik Shown-Boner Noah - Empty Vessels Make the Loudest Sound In the Night Black Griffon - Heat Safer Havens autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 18:38 on Mar 31, 2013 |
# ¿ Mar 26, 2013 04:40 |
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TOP 40 WITH RYAN SEACREST CANADA TOP 40 If the artist is on these lists, you are probably going to lose. The definition is kind of arbitrary. Use your best judgement. autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 14:07 on Mar 26, 2013 |
# ¿ Mar 26, 2013 14:02 |
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Jeza posted:
WELCOME, JUDGE! Still need one more, anyone up to the task? If I don't get another judge I'm assigning JUDGE NULL to take a third of the crits (he is a paper shredder and you will lose, automatically). Big thanks to Sitting Here for the crits and the lovely bit of theatre. Nikaer Drekin posted:*A newcomer rides up to THE THUNDERDOME. He rides a motorcycle, or some other comparably badass method of transport. He enters the Dome, steps off his hog or whatever and stands tall. This is NIKAER DREKIN.*
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# ¿ Mar 26, 2013 23:34 |
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Nyarai posted:I can judge if you need it. I won back in September 2012, and I was gonna get in this week, but I'd love to help out on the judge front. Step up to the Judging Platform! Don't mind the rusty nails. I really wish I could take credit for this prompt. Direct your thanks at Echo, Kai, Fanky and the fine people at Half Pints brewery. Also maybe nod at ESB in a knowing way.
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# ¿ Mar 27, 2013 00:03 |
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Nikaer Drekin posted:Okay, CREEPER, I'm retracting my entry unless you tell me how you got that camera there Thunderdome knows all. No retractions. Signups end on friday, whenever I wake up and log on.
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# ¿ Mar 27, 2013 04:25 |
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SIGN UPS CLOSED autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 19:45 on Mar 29, 2013 |
# ¿ Mar 29, 2013 17:58 |
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by the way Rhino, I want you to have my word-babies
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# ¿ Mar 29, 2013 23:01 |
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Nikaer Drekin posted:Oh, just in case I want to look into publishing in the future, is it all right if I post my story somewhere else and link it here? I really wouldn't worry about this, bro.
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# ¿ Mar 30, 2013 03:30 |
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STERILETOM I will be kind to you. Prove to me that this work wasn't a fanfic of American McGee's Alice or its terrible sequel. You have until noon tomorrow. Get a legal affidavit saying you've never played these games, or explain to me why this work isn't derivative. Use proper MLA formatting, cite sources, 500 words. If you want to recant, you have until noon tomorrow to submit another work or modify this one. If you take no action, the piece will be dropped as it violates the no fanfiction rule.
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# ¿ Mar 31, 2013 03:59 |
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Steriletom posted:The last PC video game I played in full was Duke Nukem. The one where you poop into the monster's head on a football field after you beat the game. I'm not sure what the full name of that version was. I have no way of proving this but I'm willing to pay to notarize the above. You have until noon to provide an affidavit or the 500 words. You are waffling on your recantation, domer. You can't recant and not change the story. Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:And also, to repeat from last thread since apparently we have to now: any fanfic of any type is punishable by shunning. This rule goes on forever and ever. You post fanfic, you get ignored. Not even a whiff of fanfic. This isn't about making you loser, it's about whether you are to compete at all.
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# ¿ Mar 31, 2013 04:54 |
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DOMER, YOU ARE DISQUALIFIED Should have known what you were getting into before Easter Sunday. I'm calling bullshit on your story not containing any relation to Alice in Wonderland so hard. A character just so happens to return to a land in her mind ruled by a red Queen? somehow the whole thing reeks of childish fantasy writing? No loving way, man. No loving way. You'll still get a crit, though!
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# ¿ Mar 31, 2013 05:29 |
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Steriletom posted:What follows is a poorly narrated story with some bizarre, hard to follow actions sequences. If I wasn't painfully aware of what Alice in Wonderland was, this story wouldn't have a leg to stand on. Unclear narrative voice, incredibly poor characterization, an uninteresting take on an old schtick - all of this topped off with an ending by M. Night Shyamalan autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 06:31 on Mar 31, 2013 |
# ¿ Mar 31, 2013 06:27 |
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That video is blocked in my region. you guys have something like TWO AND A HALF HOURS LEFT autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 15:11 on Mar 31, 2013 |
# ¿ Mar 31, 2013 14:53 |
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It'd be magical if ESB and toanoradian joined us Anyway, I've got the short list handy and I'm going to start posting crits. I haven't heard back from the other judges, so some of you may be spared. One of you is going to lose. Symptomless Coma Rather Watch Them Pug Wearing a Hat Nikaer Draekin SpaceGodzilla Jagermonster Cancercakes Chewie23 Khris Kruel CantDecideOnAName Noah
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# ¿ Mar 31, 2013 18:41 |
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Khris Kruel posted:
Rather Watch Them posted:I really, really tried not to judge the pieces based on my opinion of the song. Honest. However, after immersing myself in your pile of turds, I came out having gained fifty pounds and sporting a neckbeard. Video game tunes and the prom? A SERIOUS piece about video games and the prom? You gotta be making GBS threads me. autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 04:21 on Apr 1, 2013 |
# ¿ Mar 31, 2013 19:26 |
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pug wearing a hat posted:Seeds - 693 words Nikaer Drekin posted:
SpaceGodzilla posted:
CantDecideOnAName posted:This, I don't even know what to do with. There's not a whole lot wrong. There's no story either. Nothing happens. It's impossible to care for the prot when there's no conflict, no story arc. There's an attempt at characterization, the whole focus on colors could add to a story, but it's not a story in itself. Spend some more time thinking about who you're writing about, what their problems are. Don't introduce characters like men on benches unless they play a role. Give us some sort of interaction between characters instead of telling us about an inert observer. CancerCakes posted:
Noah posted:
autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 02:36 on Apr 1, 2013 |
# ¿ Mar 31, 2013 19:59 |
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SpaceGodzilla - give it some time and go back to it. Let the ideas mature a bit and tighten everything up!Chewie23 posted:
Symptomless Coma posted:
Jagermonster posted:Dayenu systran posted:Was there a flash rule that I missed that said you must use the word "cacophony"? autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 03:11 on Apr 1, 2013 |
# ¿ Apr 1, 2013 02:48 |
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Jagermonster A hard limit means no leeway. Clean it up and take it to the farm! I was especially bitter because you had tons of places you could have cut it down. I want to introduce you guys to a literary innovation started in this very thread: screaming ellipses Khris Kruel posted:
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# ¿ Apr 1, 2013 04:40 |
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Symptomless Coma posted:dialogue-free uh oh! Are you sure? I read your story three times and it was only on the third pass did I realized he was sick. I never caught the fact he didn't die.
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# ¿ Apr 1, 2013 12:47 |
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pug wearing a hat posted:Thanks so much for the feedback, I always appreciate it when people take the time to do a line-by-line criticism. That's gotta take up a huge chunk of time. get drunk, read lines er'day. You're welcome pug wearing a hat posted:My only question -- was it clear enough that it was supposed to be a retelling of Persephone and Hades? Because rereading it, I don't think I was clear enough about that. No you're completely off your rocker. I would have had to have been tripping balls in the Parthenon to even begin to draw those things together. There's nothing to infer that anywhere. But I'm also denser than lead, so maybe you could point it out? Steriletom posted:
Join the upcoming TD. Work on mapping out a straightforward action sequence before you go balls out with fantasy. It would do a lot for you. Some things worked but they were crushed under the weight of the things that didn't. THIS WEEK'S LOSER In honor of the Greeks, the judges chose a loser through Democratic vote. This week the losertar goes to: Khris Kruel and his gripping fantasy piece Vambraces at Sea autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 23:25 on Apr 1, 2013 |
# ¿ Apr 1, 2013 23:15 |
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Nikaer Drekin posted:Thanks for the crits, Hillock. I actually intended the story to take place a little further in time than you thought- I'd just finished reading This Side of Paradise when I wrote it, so I was thinking maybe late 1910s-early 1920s. Still, the criticism's totally valid, since I obviously didn't make the time period explicit enough. The research is actually the reason I stopped doing period pieces. Look up any steampunk lit mag and you'll see exactly what not to do. If you're doing that time period you better mention the fancy electric lighting (maybe this place still has gaslamps?). The architecture would play a big part - the Belle Epoque ballroom would be a big step away from some of the other 1910 stuff, as you're practically verging on Art Deco at that poing. I'm sure the prot would have an opinion on encroaching modernity. Join the irc chan and we can totally geek out about retro stuff. I'd love to read the piece again when it's done. WE HAVE A WINNER systran YOU ARE THIS WEEK'S WINNER. Don't get too high on your horse now, though. Was it the best story? Yes. Was it the best piece of writing? No. You did phenomenal things with a song I absolutely wanted to hate. I played it as I read your piece and something wonderful happened. I don't know what kind of voodoo it was, but it worked. Congrats. You hit the prompt at all points - clothing, music, narrative arc and even touched on greek tragedy. There were some things I didn't like, and a crit is incoming. Various Awards I'm hanging onto power for as long as I can. My time is over, but my ego isn't nearly as inflated as it should be. Best in Class Sebmojo! (obviously) By far the best piece of writing submitted. Wonderful piece. You thoroughly dominated the prompt. I have some issues with the story and a certain ambiguity present. Expect a crit. If I didn't have a bone to pick with your superiority in Thunderdome, I would have been blown away by the writing and let everything slide. Most Enjoyable Kaishai! I really, really wanted to give you the win. The song and story together were the most enjoyable read this week. I'm a sucker for the underdog... and the story kind of left me wanting. It was a lovely vignette, but I've read this cliche over and over and over. It worked every time, though (and had me clapping my hands together like a toddler with downs). Expect a crit! Best Sports Dialogue I have no idea what's wrong with chairchucker, but I could read his stories of bros in locker rooms all day. After experiencing his entry I grew more chest hair and got the beer burps somethin' fierce. autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 00:08 on Apr 2, 2013 |
# ¿ Apr 1, 2013 23:44 |
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With sebmojo's benediction, I'm inflicting myself upon you fucks for another week. systran shall be the Goose to my Maverick.sebmojo posted:I spent 15 minutes picking through your work just now. A fourth read. I had notes and everything, but my dumb rear end lost them somehow. I'm taking it as a sign. It really reminded me of the scene from The Thomas Crown Affair, and that's a good thing. It was tight, it fit the music. All the issues I have with the piece are purely stylistic. It's not a story, it's an excerpt to some grander work, and you're an rear end in a top hat for withholding it. black.lion posted:Technically very good writing. I'm really at a lack. I'd love to tear it a new one but I don't know where to start. My biggest gripes: the lack of a narrative arc, the absence of characters. I don't really care when his daughter kills himself. I don't know the prot at all. He wears suits, he does something nebulously shady. End of story. A few more hints would send this story a lot further, and the death at the end seems like it's a grab for sympathy. It works, but it doesn't hold up to scrutiny. Fumblemouse posted:Prompt: Clothes, Song: Rock Around the Clock, with a side order of Greek Tragedy Kaishai posted:Reaper's Dance Black Griffon posted:
autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 03:00 on Apr 2, 2013 |
# ¿ Apr 2, 2013 02:18 |
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Fumblemouse posted:
You could have used this time to work on fixing your piece I swear to God if you fuckers don't post your REWORKED pieces in the flash farm I'm going to lobotomize each and every one of you with a pick axe. autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 03:45 on Apr 2, 2013 |
# ¿ Apr 2, 2013 03:40 |
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Khris Kruel posted:I'm actually writing a book and half of it is combat, and there's a problem if I can't write a gripping battle scene How far in are you? It may be time to reconsider. Perhaps ask the fine people in the Book Barn to suggest some reading?
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# ¿ Apr 2, 2013 05:21 |
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sebmojo posted:I want to judge again so I get to shout at posts like this. Noah posted:Really the process should go: read the prompt, ignore the prompt, write the story you felt like writing, then go back and try to shoe horn the prompt back in. Shrug your shoulders and post. This poo poo right here is why seb's so much better than you fuckers. EFFECTIVE USE OF WORDS
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# ¿ Apr 3, 2013 01:11 |
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ You're gonna get smeared like wing sauce on a fat man's shirt. sebmojo posted:I think it's me and Noah in the brawl. gently caress it, three way brawl! I'm in with autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 05:23 on Apr 3, 2013 |
# ¿ Apr 3, 2013 05:08 |
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Sitting Here posted:I'll brawl anything with letters, I just was taking in the sweet triple brawl action thanks Somewhere in Seattle a girl sits alone in her room, typing. The door is closed; febreeze only partially masking the stale, sweaty odours. Blue light from her monitor scatters off the thumbtacks pinning her anime posters to the wall. Satisfied, she wipes her hands on her jeans. The cheeto-dust stain will be the day’s only lasting accomplishment. After I'm done here I'm coming after you.
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# ¿ Apr 4, 2013 13:42 |
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(that man is Noah)
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# ¿ Apr 5, 2013 04:19 |
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Steriletom posted:I know the judgement comes later, but if you fuckers are submitting early then I'm doing an annotated read-through early. autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 03:53 on Apr 6, 2013 |
# ¿ Apr 6, 2013 03:49 |
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SpaceGodzilla posted:I really wanted to be mean, but gently caress this story was pretty good. Some of the writing I have issue with, but it's only because the narrator's voice is unconvincing at times. There's a clear narrative arc, it's clever and the plot takes unexpected turns. You're most likely not going to be in the bottom bracket this round! CantDecideOnAName posted:Christmas comes once a week in THUNDERDOME, and I always get the same thing: poorly written period pieces! You guys must love me because there's nothing I want to do more than read stale purple prose on a Saturday morning. I honestly tried to do a read-through first but I had to bust out my fat tipped sharpie right around the third paragraph. There's no narrative arc, no conflict. I guess it kind of relates to the picture? You introduce a ton of characters but this story would suffice with two. No one dies, David remains an International Man of Mystery(TM), and the story just ends. I didn't feel shocked, though the story hinges on the idea that I do. The tree doesn't make anyone confront anything within themselves, doesn't show them horrifying pictures or put crazy ideas into their heads. The implication here, I take it, is that the tree is magic and alive but really the story is more like an Arctic expedition full of autistic retards. This story should be titled "Brown Eye" because it is a turd. Martello posted:This I'll crit later, have to go over it with a finer toothed comb. One thing, though: V for Vegas posted:
autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 18:14 on Apr 6, 2013 |
# ¿ Apr 6, 2013 16:34 |
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Voliun posted:
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# ¿ Apr 7, 2013 01:57 |
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I guess I better put up or shut up. gently caress you guys, this is my brawl entry: Chickencheese for a Dream (985 words) Brett ripped the bandage off his arm, blood dripped onto a pile of syringes. Kayla picked strands of bloody t-shirt from her shredded shoulder; she didn’t even wince as she squeezed out buckshot like she was poppin’ zits. He poked the chunk of lead stuck in his bicep. More blood. If the poo poo hadn’t been top-notch this week, he’d be screaming for death. “You figure our last meal was worth it?” She spoke at the floor, staring at their squat’s tarp sheeting. Their run on a cornershop in the Core hadn’t panned out; cashier had a sawed-off under the counter. She’d put a blade in his throat after he missed, twice. He pushed the memory away with ease; sliding into the radio’s fuzzy beats. Her busted bike was still hanging on the wall; she’d been a courier. “You figure we could get some meds if you got another run?” he asked. “We got enough creds to get back on the net, get a run and fix my bike. We’d be right back at square one. Real good plan last night, fucker,” she said. “Maybe we can go on a bender? One last run?” He wrapped a new rag around his arm. “I got a better idea: we get a put-put,” she said. “The gently caress would we do with a taxi?” he asked. “Dunno, but I’m sure it’ll be fun. What the gently caress we got left to eat?” He kicked over his bag and started pulling out cans. “Beans, tomatoes, more beans…” “What’s that one at the bottom?” She pulled out a big peel-top. “It’s loving chicken!” He tore it from her hands. “Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken. Says it’s fully cooked and just like homemade. Mother gently caress! There’s stuffing and everything!” His stomach growled. “Brett! Check this!” She tossed him a can of EasyCheese. She held their only plate under the can as he cracked the top. Blobs of grease slid out, followed by the plop of the moist, pale bird. “You sure it’s cooked?” she asked. “Said so on the can”. He tore off a drumstick, peeled off the skin and ate it; her eyes widened. It was soft and salty, the congealed fat warmed then dissolved as he chewed. Real meat. Kayla was catching on, delicately pulling the other leg free. He sprayed down his drumstick with cheese and bit in. The experience shot shivers up his spine. The cheese foam dissolved and coated tongue in thick slurry. The meat was cool and soft and broke apart into bitter sweetness. Some primal part of his brain roused; a part that just wanted to be fed. He slid the rest of the meat into his mouth. Hints, delicate traces – a sublime spectre of cheesiness – set the stage as chicken-muscle slipped apart into individual strands. Each one slick and greasy, resisting at first but then transforming seamlessly into a warm, salty paste. The bone was stripped, he threw it aside. He tore a hunk off the ribcage. Kayla wasn’t talking; he knew they were in the same headspace. Bite after bite, the chicken disappeared; Kayla huffed the aerosol when they were out of cheese. He tossed the can onto the pile of bones. Kayla opened her laptop and burped, the data creds were spread out in a fan on her lap. One hand punched in digits while the other slid used cards onto the floor. She was down to two when she slammed the computer shut. “He’ll be here in twenty.” She slid the bloody shotgun into her jeans and tossed him the pistol. “The gently caress am I supposed to do with a deuce-deuce?” he asked. “Iunno, scare someone? Let’s go.” They sat on the steps of the crumbling tenement and waited. The put-put, the bastard child of a pedicab and a forklift, turned a corner. Its single orange light barely lit the street. It pulled to a shaky stop and an old man got out of the fibreglass shell, gestured for them to get in. She reached for her wallet but grabbed the gun instead, spraying the cab with the driver’s spine. “What the gently caress!” Brett screamed. It didn’t matter; everyone heard the shot. “One last run, better than a bender! Get the gently caress in!” She yelled, already in the driver’s seat. He climbed in the back. She tossed a canvas bag at his chest; it fell to the floor and lodged itself under the propane tank. “Careful with those flares! We’ll need ‘em!” She gunned it. The little motor roared, squealing the tires and filling the cabin with smoke. They could already hear sirens. Kayla slammed the brakes and slid the cab around a corner onto a toll road. She lined up for a straight shot at the core and pulled the throttle back as far as it would go. “You’re gonna rip the fuckin’ motor off the mounts!” he screamed over the unsteady whine. The fibreglass shook as they smashed through the toll barrier. Cars shot past them on both sides, taking advantage of the free entry. The motor’s belts were starting to squeal, it rattled violently. Brett swore he could smell propane. A low-slung cruiser pulled up beside them, sirens blaring. A cop was speaking over the P.A. Kayla slammed the brakes and swerved, narrowly missing a roadster. The cop dropped it into reverse, trying to slam his cruiser into the cab. She gunned it, turning hard to dodge, but clipped a passing truck. Brett bit into his tongue as the cab rolled, her face slammed into the handlebars. The toppled cab slid to a stop. She coughed up blood. The cruiser’s door slammed. The cops were coming. “Give me a flare,” she said. He lit one and passed it to her. She crammed it under the propane tank and reached for the shotgun. She cocked both barrels. He heard a blast, and then nothing at all.
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# ¿ Apr 7, 2013 04:21 |
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crabrock posted:You ever go fishing? You know that moment after the fish bites, but before he's at the surface? When you're all excited and you can sort of see a flash of scales under water; and you've already started thinking about fry oil and batter and beer? But then the line breaks and the rod goes limp and you're out a lure and it's kind of dark out and you realize you're cold and wet and hungry and the whole effort was kind of dumb? This story is like that.
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# ¿ Apr 7, 2013 18:08 |
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crabrock posted:"Amber was an 11-year-old girl" https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=7WahBH9sANg So this girl's banging her psych teacher so she can weasel out of writing an essay, and we're supposed to feel bad for her? She's cold and calculating and uses her body to achieve ends. I had her pegged as a psychopath (I mean, why else would the setting be psych class unless you're implying mental issues in your characters?)... But she's also madly in love with this prof or something? I, I don't know what you're going for. *Edit: I don't wanna sound like a pedo apologist. It's reprehensible. BUT It's not like the prof actually did anything. It's like if my SO wrote a self insert Star Trek fanfic where she was constantly shoving dicks into door jambs. Yeah, it'd be weird. Would I be worried that she'd slam my dong in a door? No. Would I tell her to get help? Probably. Recommend watching The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. edit* Nubile's SAFELIST: maretello Greatbacon SymptomlessComa NikaerDraekin autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 20:38 on Apr 7, 2013 |
# ¿ Apr 7, 2013 18:27 |
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magnificent7 posted:How will I know the prompt if I don't know what a prompt is? Is this one of those fight club rule things? Wait until we announce this week's winner. They will make up a prompt. You will write a "story" using that prompt. Nikaer Drekin posted:You're not a precog? You don't even know a precog?
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# ¿ Apr 8, 2013 04:50 |
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Jagermonster posted:
Fumblemouse posted:Word Count: 789 autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 01:31 on Apr 9, 2013 |
# ¿ Apr 9, 2013 01:29 |
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Martello – Technically good, but didn’t do anything for me. Some guy’s waiting for a boat, some geopolitical stuff I glossed over (IN THE NEAR CYBERFUTURE!?) and some girl that’s got a thing for Lady Snowblood or something. I like to think this is the chapter that leads into your story about that fish-cyborg tranny thing. Symptomless Coma – you crammed a lot of detail into your story and I’m not sure it worked in your favour. I’m the only one who thinks this, but your #’s made me irate. The story flashes from place to place. Reading it is like having a tiny, dreamlike seizure. I know the #’s are editing marks, but I have this nagging suspicion that your story would be almost illegible without a big hamfisted SCENE BREAK. Super cool ideas, really hope this turns into something sometime. I’d read the gently caress out of it. You clearly have some sort of larger world in mind but you don’t go out of your way to shove it down our throats. Some purple prose issues, some actions weren’t distinct. If you clean it up and take it to the farm (maybe make it longer?) I’d love to edit it. Nikaer – I’m really torn on this one. You’re improving and it shows. I wanted to do a line-by-line but said gently caress it. A lot of the stuff I found is more voice related and could be a choice of style. Some words and passages end up being way too descriptive to the point of detracting. “the rubbery scales” “showed through like raw layers of skin under a torn scab” “The chair flew up and down, knocking the end table over and tumbling the clay lamp on top of it to the floor.” These sentences really bothered me, and probably cost you my vote. The story, however, is very good. I should have seen the ending coming, but I didn’t. Unlike a vague hand-wavy implication of pedophilia, your character’s actions genuinely shocked me and were believable. Unlike Kaishai, I enjoyed the title of your book AND the sticker. It’s absurd, it’s funny, it makes the story all that much weirder. Greatbacon – I really liked this. Hit the prompt very well, it was an entertaining read. You are my pick for winner, though the other judges think your story is too bland. I’m always a fan of religious horror-conspiracies, and you did this well. I like how I learned about the character and his personality by reading a book over his shoulder. Atmospheric. Canadian Surf Club - It was like renting a Japanese smut tape and then finding the last half was missing. Sure, it was enjoyable but at the end I felt cheated. The character’s voices were good, maybe some of the prose was a little too purple. Sitting Here – Beautiful, atmospheric, sad. Not really sure if it goes anywhere, the last line is enigmatic. Why’s he trying to save ink when he’s drawing? Why wouldn’t one want to waste ink in the city? You’re teasing us with something bigger and I don’t like it. Cancercakes 1. I guess this is a novel way to write things. 2. My this is getting pretty hard to read, I hope the whole thing doesn’t go on like this. 3. This is really mechanical and there’s no feeling to your character. You’re explaining things instead of showing them. 4. I get there’s an old-timey voice, but no one writes so impersonally in their diary. 5. So he loses track of days and you lose the format but keep going with dashes. I didn’t care for that. A sense of place didn’t really jump out at me, a lot of the descriptions were really confusing. You go on about cupboards and curved walls and hallways and some library and I’m not really sure what’s going on. Noah – “was still a thorn in my [x]” is a sequence of words that should not have happened. Your fifth paragraph would do much better as your first. Small waves don’t lap the shore like small ripples. They lap the shore with small ripples or lapped the shore turning into small ripples if you absolutely have to use a poor simile for waves. Infinite horizon is another sequence of words I don’t care for. “Bernie! The cart’s ready!” Gary shouted. All at once he disengaged and looked back to the group. This part here breaks the scene. The word ‘disengaged’ has no place here. I couldn’t look him in the eyes. He just put his hand on my shoulder and walked away. The second to last thing I ever saw of Bernie and the gang was him walking away, with that book hanging by his side. Repetition in this part. The ending is a sham. Erogenous Beef – Ha! What an ending! Enjoyable characters, novel premise, even a plot twist right at the end! Well played. Bad Seafood – Fowl play. Some repetition of words, some of the sentences are clunky and could do with an edit. Pretty strong story, the weird deadguy could be described a little better, had to do a re-read on my first pass. Nothing is explained, it’s a neat vignette though. Who is everyone why should we care? We may never know. sebmojo – In all my days, I ain’t ever heard no willow clatter. Also gently caress you. This is really good. autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 01:37 on Apr 9, 2013 |
# ¿ Apr 9, 2013 01:35 |
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# ¿ May 22, 2024 18:18 |
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I wanted to give the win to go to Erogenous Beef, just to be clear. Picking a winner was really hard, and we doubled back on our pick a whole bunch of times. Before the mechanics of SH's story were explained to me, I didn't care for it that much. I kind of got something was going on with portals and magic but it was pretty vague. Once it was explained to me it was a very good story. I may be dumb. Definitely a story worth expanding. I think the beginning of seb's story didn't catch me as much as I wished it would. Congratulations Sittinghere!
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# ¿ Apr 9, 2013 03:14 |